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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional Affair? WWYD?

76 replies

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 10:17

NC for this, but I am a long time lurker and recent poster, I promise.
I've been with DH for 8 years, we got married last June. We have a DS who is 3 and are ttc DC2. (This is mutual btw, he is just as eager to conceive as me, or so he says).

A bit of background, DH has always been flirty, but so am I so I just see it as harmless fun really. He's also a bit of a liar. Only small white lies really, I think that he likes to be liked and often lies to people so as not to upset them/let them down IYSWIM. Anyway, he started a new job a few months ago, and he's working at the same company as my DM. There's a young, pretty, blonde girl there (lets call her Amy) and as soon as I met her I had that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, but DH assured me that of course he wasn't interested, I'm the only one for him etc. DM told me about an incident a few months ago where her and Amy were invited out after an event, and they ended up in this bar with a few others, one of whom was an older married guy with kids. However, him and Amy were all over each other and disappeared for half an hour. DM said that it was the first time she'd seen Amy in this light, and basically warned me to keep my wits about me regarding her and DH.

Long story short, he has messaged her on Whatsapp a bit, and deleted the conversations straight away. I lost it on xmas eve and told DH to ask Amy to download their whole convo history and send it me. She did, and tbh it was all quite harmless really. But I asked him to never contact her again on his personal phone, that’s what he has a work phone for.
Last night, he left his FitBit on the side, and I saw it flash up with her name (it’s one of those that links to your phone and shows any text messages that you receive). It looks like he initiated a convo with her yesterday, and it looks like he’s offered to take her out (he’s leaving the company, so it’s probably just a goodbye drink). But I checked his phone and he’s deleted the messages now. I’m 99% sure that nothing has happened (naive I know), and tbh she seems quite immature and doesn’t even realise when he’s been a bit flirty. But it’s the fact that I told him to NEVER contact her again, and he’s gone and betrayed me.

So here’s where my dilemma is. DH inherited our current house from his Aunt, but it’s currently in his DF’s name (it’s getting signed over to DH next month). So do I keep my mouth shut, pretend everything is ok, wait until the house gets signed over, and then tell him I’m leaving? Or shall I cut my loses and leave him now, even though we have no assets in our name at the moment, so I will be left with nothing? (I work PT so there’s no way I can afford my own place for me and DS). Or do I tell him that I know about the messages and try and work it out? WWYD?

OP posts:

faffalotty · 16/01/2017 12:26

Just trying to look for another explanation - could her reply to him have been in response to an invite that he made to all colleagues to meet him for leaving drinks?

I'm not saying that there isn't anything going on, but it seems that you're jumping the gun a bit.

Adora10 · 16/01/2017 12:40

A liar and a cheat, grounds enough to leave I'd say.

Original poster

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 13:21

faffalotty Maybe it was an open invitation to everyone, but there's no other messages on his phone to anyone else. So unless he's deleted them all then I don't know.

We have an outdoor postbox and only I have the key for it. His phone bill will be getting delivered this week, so I'm going to have a look through it before he has chance to so I can see just how many texts/phonecalls he's been making. He won't be able to play that down then.

OP posts:

faffalotty · 16/01/2017 13:30

Do you mean there are literally no messages on his phone or just none regarding a leaving do?

The problem is if he's been using messaging apps then they won't show up on his phone. But yes, if texts then you'll be able to see.

Original poster

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 13:33

fattylotty There's loads text messages and whatsapp conversations on his phone to other people, just nothing to this girl and nothing to anybody else from his work. He has a work phone though, so tbh he should be using that to message anybody from his work. But there's nothing relating to any leaving drinks on there either, it's literally just business stuff.

OP posts:

faffalotty · 16/01/2017 13:38

what was the message she sent last night?

PollytheDolly · 16/01/2017 13:38

He's buggered the trust, innocent or not. What a fool!!!!

I couldn't carry on with that either OP. Horrible doubting situation will do your nut in (if it hasn't already).

Sorry and yes bide your time and prepare your future

AnotherUsedName13 · 16/01/2017 13:39

So you are going to leave, but intend to lie to him and maintain a fake relationship in order to establish a claim on a family inheritance of his? Is that right?

I'm not saying you shouldn't leave - he's clearly behaved badly - but you sound like a bit of a gold digger too, tbh.

Original poster

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 13:44

faffalotty So these were the 4 messages that I saw on his FitBit (so it was just her replies that I could see)

"haha unlucky! Ok yeah sounds good to me. And same here, just chilled and eaten lots x"

"haha oh wow I'm shocked! aw thank you, you really don't have to! I'll have a think where we could go x"

"haha if you say so. And yeah bet you're happy about that one x "

"haha sounds like a very exciting couple of days x"

So she doesn't sound to me like she's being flirty, but I bet that he was.

OP posts:

Chops2016 · 16/01/2017 13:44

Hardly a gold digger when she has his kid to look after.

AnotherUsedName13 · 16/01/2017 13:47

Which is why he should absolutely pay child maintenance. That is his job as a father.

Personally, I'd tell him now that I'm leaving and start negotiating from here. That seems to be the decent and honorable thing to do.

Original poster

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 13:48

AnotherUsedName13 Well all the money that we made from our first house was used to renovate this house. So technically some of that is mine. And I'm fully aware that I sound like a gold digger, and I know that's exactly what DH will say to me. I always said that if we broke up amicably then I would never expect half, just enough to sort me and DS out which he agreed to.

But as he's the one being a twat I don't see why I should settle for nothing. I contribute towards our living costs here, and I do everything around the house so that he has a clean house to come home to, cooked meal on the table and all his laundry done.

OP posts:

Original poster

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 13:50

Oh and I do 99% of the childcare. I put DS to bed every night, I bath him and I stay in looking after him whilst DH plays tennis on a Sunday and has a weekly night out. Don't get me wrong, I do also occasionally go out but nowhere near as much as DH.

OP posts:

RogueStar01 · 16/01/2017 14:01

you can't be a gold-digger if you're already married to the person, surely? this is about making sure what is morally right is done, and like Op has just said, there has been investment in a house that's not currently in their name.

Adora10 · 16/01/2017 14:10

And he's a shit dad to boot.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/01/2017 14:24

Her use of "hahas" are irritating

Original poster

mugmugmug · 16/01/2017 14:30

MiddleClassPoblem this is what makes me think she's really immature

OP posts:

RogueStar01 · 16/01/2017 14:35

immature and possibly humouring him. Either way, why does he want to engage in flirty banter with younger women?

MiddleClassProblem · 16/01/2017 14:37

For me I would want more info about what was actually going on before deciding to leave and I would also see if it was something to work through but you know more than we do about this situation and him. You can't possible wrote it all down or maybe even articulate some of what happens. Do what's best for you and DS, bide your time until June. Just use the extra time to figure out what went on or figure out your next move (where to live etc). Good luck x

user1479305498 · 16/01/2017 14:39

I dont think someone is a gold digger if they just want to make sure they will at least be able to sort somewhere for themselves initially , gold digging in my opinion is when the relationship is all about getting your hands on someone else assets , right from the off!

faffalotty · 16/01/2017 14:43

it's not particularly flirty but not appropriate for a conversation with a married colleague.

Could his fitbit go missing?

WannaBe · 16/01/2017 14:57

Well, it doesn't automatically follow that because you're married to him now you will get half of everything, not when the marriage is such a short one, and inheritances have some protection attached to them.

If you want to leave, then leave. These texts just sound like a bit of an excuse tbh, all this telling him it's over if he ever messages her again and all these immature messages with absolutely no inclination that he's actually cheating with her, and no, his talking about a night out doesn't imply cheating IMO.

As for the mother pointing out what kind of woman she is because of some perceived encounter on a night out, WTAF? You all sound about twelve. The whole thing reads like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show. The only good thing in all this is that hopefully this means there isn't going to be another innnocent child born into all this.

zippey · 16/01/2017 15:20

So you are kind of lying to him in a way to get this money?

I don't think either of you have the upper hands in terms of morality or decency here I'm afraid.

SherlockStones · 16/01/2017 15:43

Wannabe

I agree with everything you've written, it all sounds like an excuse for OP to leave and is overly dramatic.

zippey · 16/01/2017 17:28

His crime here is flirting and lying, which isn't nice, but not crime of the century and not punishable by losing half his inheritance surely?

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