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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there something wrong with me

37 replies

Pollyanna9 · 16/01/2017 07:45

Went on a date Sat night.

Prior to this we’d been messaging and getting on REALLY well – kinda spookily well iykwim. Coming across as genuine, thoughtful, all good things really as well as a good sense of humour.

Come the night – all good, got on absolutely fine, had lots of fun.

He wants to see me again and I’m kinda up for it but we both were rat arsed on the night, me way so more than him, and we had quite a barmy evening however he still wants to keep on seeing me.

So this is my dilemma if you like.

I do like him – but then I like lots of people, I can get on with anyone, I can chat to anyone, dance with anyone – and then if I never saw them again it wouldn’t bother me one iota. It’s the level of ‘attachment’ at this stage from him which I guess I can’t fathom. Yes, we’d been getting on very well prior to date night, yes we largely had a very good night out on the weekend – but the level of angst when I’m expressing to him that I don’t know if we’ll see each other again seems disproportionate to how long we’ve known each other – we’ve only been texting for about a week/10 days and been out for one date. Neither of us can know if it has legs for the future anyway even if we’d had the best date ever, but it’s almost as though we’ve been together for six months and I’m now breaking it off.

And then that worries me because what if in six months, I DO want to break it off?! I’m almost worried that I’d feel trapped and unable to end it! What kind of reaction would we have then if he’s having such a strong reaction now?

Am I just not giving it a chance? Am I not giving it a chance because it was a good night out and a decent person and all that but I didn’t feel a massive spark? Have I just become frozen to the potential? Am I afraid of letting it develop? I honestly don’t know.

On the one hand I want a great big spark but at the same time am also terrified of it as I had this with my last partner and it was a terrible, terrible relationship. So I want it but I don’t want it if that makes any sense!

As I say, I got on with him great and on paper it could work well (eg in terms of distance, situation, he’s a good person etc) but I’m 90% walk away and I guess what bothers me is I feel so ambivalent.

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 16/01/2017 07:53

Is he declaring love or saying anything that makes younfeel your attached to soon?

If so run.

If you are just panicing ..tell him you need to take it slow. If he cant.. . Runnn....

What was the barny about... ya shouldnt be arfuing on your first date?

I have a feeling this is your gut screaming somethings wrong.

ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 07:55

What do you mean ' It’s the level of ‘attachment’ at this stage from him which I guess I can’t fathom.'

Can't really say without knowing this. What is he doing?

MichaelSheensNextDW · 16/01/2017 08:17

You sound very anxious and as if you're trying to look into a crystal ball and find out what happens.
What do you mean when you say "the level of angst when I’m expressing to him that I don’t know if we’ll see each other again"?

Original poster

Pollyanna9 · 16/01/2017 08:37

I mean him - he's like 'oh I cant understand why you don't want to see me again' blah blah blah.

I'm saying that no you can't look into a crystal ball - this could be a relationship that went further and it could be one that doesn't - I get that. He seems to think it was definitely going to be something that would work and why in the heckfire aren't I on board with that? So he's the one crystal ball gazing and seeing a definite guaranteed future whilst I'm a bit more meh about it (hope that makes sense).

I think I'm concerned that he's SO into it and confident this is it, we're sorted for life - how can you know that after one piggin' date?

OP posts:

toyd · 16/01/2017 08:56

So you must have told him you don't want to see him again.

CanarySong · 16/01/2017 08:59

Well you've obviously told him you don't want to see him again?

MichaelSheensNextDW · 16/01/2017 09:03

Hmm, he's coming across as either an anxious, immature, clingy, needy person who is already suffocating you OR a demanding, controlling, domineering twat who is basically trying to force you to accept a relationship with him.
He doesn't make sense, as you rightly point out. He doesn't yet 'know' you, so how can his strong feelings mean much.
If you're uncomfortable and finding him strange and hard work bin him off.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 16/01/2017 09:05

Either way, he's displaying a blatant lack of respect and concern for your feelings. Suggest he gets a blow up doll?

QuodPeriitPeriit · 16/01/2017 09:10

Seems like you're way over-analysing and making this harder than it needs to be - if things went well and you like him, why not just see him again and see how it goes? Why does there need to be these angsty, dramatic conversations about this very brief relationship?

Unless there was more to his reaction than you said it doesn't seem particularly out of the ordinary to me.

loobyloo1234 · 16/01/2017 09:12

I think you need to stop overthinking this OP. If you don't want to see him again, don't see him?

QuodPeriitPeriit · 16/01/2017 09:12

MichaelSheens you seem to be reading an awful lot into "Why don't you want to see me again?"

Gallavich · 16/01/2017 09:15

Personally I'm a lot like you. I don't make attachments easily and I can break them easily with a little effort. I distrust strong initial attachments and I believe they stem from projection in order to meet an unmet need. So I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all! However, I'm perpetually single and often alone so not sure I'm necessarily right either

Twinkladdictmum · 16/01/2017 09:19

MichaelSheen what a silly projection.

OP this bloke is not your ex. He sounds nice and like he genuinely likes you. If that throws you off, that's YOUR problem, not his.

He probably IS mystified that you have said you dont want to see him again!

As for huge sparks straightaway, that way lies trickiness because it puts you on the back foot, keener than you need to be.

I mean this in the kindest way - work in yourself. If you are overthinking like this after one date, then maybe stop dating for a bit.

Twinkladdictmum · 16/01/2017 09:20

Gallavich However, I'm perpetually single and often alone so not sure I'm necessarily right either

^^ There is your problem. Right there.

Original poster

Pollyanna9 · 16/01/2017 09:21

I can't quite get why I'm the one over analysing!

He's the one who seems to expect a future was guaranteed from the first date, not me. His reaction has made me try and understand where that is coming from.

I'd probably be happy to see him again but the way he's been talking puts me off. I don't think for one second he's controlling etc - he saw it as a good night out (it largely was) but then I think that's where we differ because it's what he's reading into it/his expectation that seems disproportionate to how long we've been in touch!

He's not been unpleasant or bullying or whiny - he just apparently can't conceive that it might not go further than a first date - my view when I go out with someone is that a first date is just that and there's no guarantee of a second one and neither party should assume that - and if it goes great well then, all to the good, but if it's bleh or meh then it doesn't go further. Maybe he just genuinely felt a real connection with me and he feels he's really losing something? That's how it seems to be coming across.

Hence my questioning myself because I've been on first dates before and the last time again, great night out and when I didn't want to see him again he was all over the shop about it - and that just puts me right off!

OP posts:

toyd · 16/01/2017 09:21

I'm not surprised this guy's confused, so am I.

springydaffs · 16/01/2017 09:22

Doubt know if it's early morn but I'm not quite getting what you're saying. You seem to have left out a few facts. I assume bcs you're panicking?

Maybe his ardour has freaked you out. I can understand from his pov you got on SO well he can't understand why you wouldn't want to carry on. It must be quite confusing for him..

I wonder if your last relationship has made you very wary. On paper, you've had a good start, got on very well, and he's more keen than you - that's pretty ideal in my book.

Tell him to back off, tone down, you'll take it at your own pace.

Twinkladdictmum · 16/01/2017 09:22

You know, if i was this bloke's sister, i would tell him to walk away because he's heading for hurt.
Sorry.

LesisMiserable · 16/01/2017 09:22

You say you kind of want to see him again in one sentence ...then that you told him you didn't know if you'd see him again in another.

What you playing at OP?

Twinkladdictmum · 16/01/2017 09:24

You are messing with his head. That isnt fair.

Original poster

Pollyanna9 · 16/01/2017 09:25

I think it's pretty simple - he's the one that's introduced the 'angst' as it's being called.

Maybe I am shooting it in the foot - or maybe there just wasn't enough there for me to want to commit to taking it further...

I agree re the instant spark thing - I'm very wary of that, believe me.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 16/01/2017 09:28

So what actually happened op? Bcs you've left out his part in it - blinded by how you felt?

You're panicking. Bcs of the last relationship?

toyd · 16/01/2017 09:28

How much commitment does another date involve? not understanding that at all.

HerOtherHalf · 16/01/2017 09:29

Yes, there's something wrong with you - you're human. It's natural to worry about getting hurt, especially if you've been hurt before.

As you say, nobody has a crystal ball and I think all you can do is go with your gut instinct and at least ensure you go at the pace you are comfortable with. It may be that he's sincere and has very quickly developed genuine strong feelings for you. It could be that he is playing you and telling you what he thinks you want to hear. It could be that he enjoys the chase phase and will cool of noticeably afterwards.

I tend to find through observation that the faster people fall in love the faster they fall out of it but I've no science or statistics to support that, just anecdotal evidence.

Kazplus2 · 16/01/2017 09:32

Oh gosh, you sound hard work. You either like him or you don't. You either want to see him again or you don't. I don't think it's unreasonable to think a second date is on the cards if you both had a good night, but if it's not you tell him and that's it. Easy!

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