Dh wants to take job abroad

[Alwaysknackered79]

Posting for support really. Dh and I have had a rocky marriage - been married for 5 years and we've had a lot of stress on us through jobs, children, family in that time. One of our children has a mild disability so I am often in and out of hospital with him. I'm not working currently as on maternity leave with our 3rd dc so money is tight. It's also very stressful when ds is in hospital as he still need to work and so I end up doing it all by myself and it's hard to manage looking after the two other dc. Dh and I have discussed splitting before but ultimately decided to stay and make it work.
Dh is now being offered a job in Amsterdam and he wants to take it, travelling there for 2/3 days a week. It will be a lot more money. I just can't see how this would work though - I can't manage disabled child and other children on my own as it is. We've no family around for if we went into hospital again - he says he could hire a nanny to sleep over on the days he's abroad. I also think it would stop me going back to work - I'd need to get a new job and couldn't find one if I was doing all the drop off/pick ups etc and don't really want to use a nanny,
Ultimately I guess this feels more about him wanting out and away from the rubbish that has been our life with young children over the past few years. He'd get a 2/3 day break whereas id get an even bigger share of the crap to deal with. I've told him if he goes he should consider moving out properly as I don't want this. I feel like he's going to try and force it through anyway or not take it and feel incredibly resentful towards me.

And yes 3 kids in just over 5 years - we're exhausted and tbh I wished we'd spaced things out a bit!!
Full time help a bit beyond our means but we can afford help part time.

And no moving abroad not an option - I need the support of my family here and we do need to stay close to healthcare which we know for dc2

I think he has checked out of family life - this does feel like his escape route so maybe you guys are right I need to plan mine!

You have two issue there

• one is about the fact he wouldn't here be present and so it could be harder for you to deal all on your own. And yes a nanny, an aupair, a cleaner all will help towards that
• the second is the fact he isn't involved in family life. I agree that he is running away from it (DH did the same thing when the dcs were young btw)

It's hard because yu can't make him want to be there for his dcs and you. But at the same time, he has a responsibility towards his own dcs that he isn't filling. Esp as you are working too so he isn't the only wage earner, the only one that the entre family has to rely on.

What I did is to 'force' DH to be involved (by leaving him with the dcs) and by reminding him that

• if we were divorced he would have to be even more involved
• that he is a father, it's up to him to chose to be a dad too. But really would he think that someone who is refusing to engage with his children health and wellbeing is a'good man'.

I think it's a bit of a make or break situation. DH did rise to the challenges because he has a strong sense of duty. I can see easily that others would just jump ship.

I think this is a combination of relationship issues, communication, exhaustion and lack of support. The job is a red herring, as I know tons of families where the husband or wife works away two, three or even four nights a week in London. My own husband has a job where this is a requirement but luckily so far it's been less frequent.

I think you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and why.

Iseta I can see why you would want help with housework etc.. rather than a ressentful DH.
But in the case of the OP, she would also be very respectful of his life wo a worry and his disengagement about family life and the wellbeing of this child.
Having a child with some SN or disability is crap and creates a lot of strain on relationship. It's even worse when one is refusing to take on part of the burden and is deciding to dump it all on his partner.

OP what is your plan work wise if you are currently on maternity leave? What childcare have you used in the past?

Could you get a full-time nanny and go back to work part-time which would cover the additional costs?

Currently when you have to go into hospital with DC who looks after your other DC if your DH is at work?

It might be that your DH is trying to escape the stress of family life for a few days a week, which isn't fair, but if it means that you could pay someone to reduce some of your workload it might help you. Also DH would have to step up more when he is around.

I plan to go back when youngest 12-18 months though it'll have to be part time to accommodate dc2's appointments etc. I used to be able to earn as much as him before kids tho obs my earning potential much reduced now.
Someone made the point that we'd better off in a year if I had returned to work part time and he take a less well paid job in London - I think I might put this to him as then it solely becomes about him opting out the drudge! We use nurseries and school ATM and when I worked last.

ATM when we are in hospital my parents look after them whilst my dh at work and him outside of work which leaves me on my own at the hospital - very stressful all round!

living in Holland a gazillion times easier than here - happiest children in the world apparently too! I had 4 of 7 children born there as well and no family help at all. Hospitals are ace and most speak English in the 4 cities (Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Hague, Utrecht) would depend on his company giving him a reasonable package for an accompanying spouse tho..

I think he's being really selfish, and exploiting the fact that you have been doing the "wife work" and parenting. Many of us decide not to do things for our careers when we want a relationship and Dc.

I wouldn't agree to it and it'd be a deal breaker if he went.

You say you're on mat leave - if that's the case rather than being a SAHM and you have a job to go back to after 12 months off I would do that, and ask him to make adjustments with his work to share the parenting. He has DC too.

Get him to cost up the childcare and domestic help: that and travel are probably way more than is affordable.

Don't rule out repatriation. It may be better elsewhere and you can get an aupair to help.

The issue is that you don't like him very much, so if you don't want to be isolated with him abroad, absolutely get an aupair to help you, they can share some of the care your parents help out with.

I think that actually you'll find life easier witthout him around.

5, 2 and 6 months with one with additional needs

Ok. I have to say the more I think about this the more I think other posters are right - you could potentially all move if he had a full time job there or you both work pt, with the proviso that he takes on researching healthcare options for your disabled dc, or he stays in the UK. Right now is not the time to be away half the week. Though I can see why he wants to take the European opportunity pre Brexot.

I can't get past the bit where a parent thinks it's acceptable to take a job abroad when he has 3 small DC and 1 with an ongoing medical problem, to advance his career . Hospitals are stressful enough as an adult let alone with a LO, it's also not just the child that's ill but the impact on the others. I think it's time to work out what you want OP and then discuss it with your H, ultimately it may lead to a breakdown in your marriage, but it sounds like you're prepared for this.

He would be escaping but you would then have a break from him to organise home matters exactly as you need. Get a nanny and a cleaner for as many hours as will take the pressure off you, even if it mops up most of his larger salary. Employing "staff" is not like having a tired, uncooperative other half - staff have duties which go with the job. Earning more money is not everything, though of course. What will he be prepared to do to help you when he is home - give you a break for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday? Take DC to weekend activities/the park/soft play? He cannot expect to make no contribution other than a salary. However, splitting up with him will remove every source of support, all the time. How would you cope then?

Just to clarify I'm on Mat but my job got made redundant (totally expected - the whole office has shut) so id need to get a new one when I go back, but I do intend to go back.
I can't see us living abroad because of dc2 and we just couldn't cope without my parents no matter how much paid help we had!
I think I'm more where you are phoebe and others - the more I think about it the crosser I get!!