Dh wants to take job abroad

[Alwaysknackered79]

Posting for support really. Dh and I have had a rocky marriage - been married for 5 years and we've had a lot of stress on us through jobs, children, family in that time. One of our children has a mild disability so I am often in and out of hospital with him. I'm not working currently as on maternity leave with our 3rd dc so money is tight. It's also very stressful when ds is in hospital as he still need to work and so I end up doing it all by myself and it's hard to manage looking after the two other dc. Dh and I have discussed splitting before but ultimately decided to stay and make it work.
Dh is now being offered a job in Amsterdam and he wants to take it, travelling there for 2/3 days a week. It will be a lot more money. I just can't see how this would work though - I can't manage disabled child and other children on my own as it is. We've no family around for if we went into hospital again - he says he could hire a nanny to sleep over on the days he's abroad. I also think it would stop me going back to work - I'd need to get a new job and couldn't find one if I was doing all the drop off/pick ups etc and don't really want to use a nanny,
Ultimately I guess this feels more about him wanting out and away from the rubbish that has been our life with young children over the past few years. He'd get a 2/3 day break whereas id get an even bigger share of the crap to deal with. I've told him if he goes he should consider moving out properly as I don't want this. I feel like he's going to try and force it through anyway or not take it and feel incredibly resentful towards me.

I totally understand your feelings of resentment and loss. It's totally normal and you're not on your own. However it could be the best thing to happen for your family. If money is tight and he's unhappy then it could lead to a breakdown where you'd be on your own every more. I'd suggest you take him up on the offer of a nanny, maybe have her more than 2-3 days and with the spare money he'd be making it'd maybe allow you to have a bit of respite doing something for you? It's so difficult when you give your entire life to your family yet feel.like DH has all this free time.

The job is only two to 3 nights away, so I'm not sure how practical moving is? Would it just reverse the problem so you were then in Amsterdam and him in the uk for the other 2 to 3 night and if you've built up a good health care team for your child that would be daunting to establish that again. It would be worth looking into if he was there permanently and you didn't mind leaving your job.

Have you had 3 children in 5 years?

I think if it's the case you need to just reflect on how exhausted you will be.

Don't make rush decisions as you are in the toughest phase. My stbxh has low emotional intelligence and sees working and earning as a way to solve problems.

I wanted emotional support and a sense of being a team.Like you I felt I had to sacrifice my career as he was away alot and when we had clashes where both had to be away in the US his suggestion was an au pair.I would not have felt happy leaving my dc with no parent or family close by in the event of an emergency.

I think you have to balance, how shattered are you vs your feelings that he is selfish.

How old are the children? When stress comes into the house, love often feels like it's gone so I would not yet write off the marriage.

Can you agree to nanny option for a defined period? Would he accept changing the job if it didn't work out after 12 months?

My stbxh refused to discuss and this felt like my needs were invalidated.I think compromise is needed during tough times and women do take the majority of the hit because we give birth and ourel lives are disrupted. Equally men do feel the need and pressure to provide.
He might feel you have options just as you feel he has options.

Don't move the whole family to the NL. You will be stuck with exactly same problems but on top of that you will have to work out the Dutch system for pretty much everything. It can make you or break you though.. but maybe it would be better than being stuck in the limbo?
Nanny + cleaner sounds ok though :-)

I don't know your full situation but I think from the males perspective, if he can get on with a better career so he is able to provide for his family then he'd be silly not to take it. And if he does stay home, then surely ita only going to be the same no matter what happens? I don't think it seems like he wants to ditch his responsibility; more that he feels the weight of the responsibility and wants to ensure he can provide as best he can. I think you're being hard on yourself and your DH.

He's never going to be the supportive H who wants to be involved and invested in family life. It's time to let go of who you want him to be.

This is going to sound mercenary but you need to start to focus on your MH and that means accessing support (cleaner, nanny) to help with the drudge, whilst giving you much needed space to support your children and for career return plan. This is who your H is, you're not a partnership, he's checked out of family life as you want it to be. Best take advantage of his current willingness to support you guilt at dropping you in it financially.

Amsterdam will be a perfect escape for someone like him, of course it will be sold as his sacrifice for his family but in reality, it will be a perfect opportunity to advance his career whilst offering a multitude of extra curricular activities for the Monday to Friday single man. As a singleton in Amsterdam, I was aghast at the extra curricular activities of expat male colleagues.

You're a single parent, practically and financially it will a lot easier while he feels guilty, then when it becomes official and housing himself becomes his priority.

My Ex worked abroad 5 days a week and I can stil remember vividly the moment I realised that I was a single parent. He always flew out on a Monday afternoon but this particular Monday he was leaving early in the morning which meant that he wouldn't take DD to pre school. There was no discussion and when I question his early departure, he said he missed the city and changed his flights to be there earlier before he started work on a Tuesday. Of course missing the city was a pathetic and ridiculous lie but it didn't reall matter whatever the truth was (OW, checking out of family life completely etc), I had already subconsciously given up on my foolish partnership ideals. It was the fact that the this was one of those rare moments that DD got to be with her Dad (even if it was only a five minute drive to pre-school) and whatever it was that he was in a hurry to get back to, it was obviously more important than her. I had long accepted his rejection of me but his rejection of DD, hurt. The checking out had started much earlier, even before he started working abroad, it's just working abroad made the checking out more lucrative.

Get a good Nanny. And look at using them to get back to work.
If your relationship is rocky: don't move overseas and do take steps to enable you to be independent, a Nanny is part of this. And if he's paying so much the better.

Move to Holland when she's talking about repeated treatments and hospital stays for a young child

I would move to Amsterdam also. They do have hospitals you know. That way all together, only one household costs instead of 3 nights hotel plus house, plus he might be able to increase work to say 4 full days. You can still get some help at home over there

Look op presumably you chose to have 3 children so you just have to accept that life will be a bit tough for a few years, Yes it's unfortunate that one child is disabled, which will inevitably add to the workload, but many many others cope, and you will too.
Lots of women with small children have husbands who work away for much longer than 2 or 3 nights a week - those in the armed forces, oil rig workers, fishermen. Their wives just get on with it, because they have to.
I don't see what else your husband could do. He's offered to pay for a nanny while he is away. You say he will be earning a lot more money, so he is furthering his career, which you and the family will benefit from in the future.
Take him up on his offer for a nanny. You will manage just fine!

Susannah, why does OP have to make all those sacrifices you list? And not her husband!

OP isn't saying she doesn't want to look after her children and provide for them. She's saying she wants to do so as part of a team, with her husband who is also their parent!

And yes, in some marriages that teamwork results in a joint desicion that one will travel extensively and the other will remain home with the children. But that works for very few families with a child with additional needs, and anyway would need to be a joint choice - not something that one parent announces and the other sucks up.

Yes of course I accept that parenting is a joint undertaking, but it just seems to me that the op is making a big thing of him being away for only 2 or 3 days.

As I said it seems as though the husband is aware of the impact of his not being there, hence the offer of a nanny.

The op admits that the marriage is rocky, so I am sure there is a lot of resentment there, which would influence how she feels about this.

How would you cope if you were in hospital with one child and the other needed looking after at home?!
One parent being away for 2-3 days per week is a big deal for the other parent - and the children - under those circumstances.

Everyone saying to hire a nanny...
Children who are unsettled and upset at sibling being in hospital don't want their new nanny, they want a parent. So the nanny thing will need to start up well in advance of their father working away, so they've had plenty of time to bond. Also, for OP to check that the nanny is really reliable and knows all the family routines well. Oh, and her husband will need to make it clear to his employer that if his child is in hospital and their nanny goes off sick or is on annual leave or quits he will have to fly home immediately.

And all that is assuming that OP can come to terms with not being able to return to work, which sounds impossible while he's abroad. It might be much better for the children and their bank balance for her to return to work part time and him to take a less high pressured job, for example.

I can understand how you feel op, if it stays the same you are still going to feel this way but with potential change you can both make moves to improve your rl.
Can you give him the blessing on condition that you work on your marriage be it counselling or making a life plan for this job (will it be permanent or plan to get you into work if you wish etc)and future and you could take advantage of having a nanny to have a much needed break yourself.

If your life improves practically and financially there is room to save th rl but with work.

Au pair?

Somerville do you have a live in nanny? If I was the OP I would be doing a bit of a tap dance over this offer. I've had one for 7 years and it's the best thing I could have done for my dd, my career, the state of my house, my well being and the opportunity to have a life and also get out the house and socialise.

It might help the marriage too when he's home and they get a little time to have a few date nights!

But yes OP I think you should tell him that he needs to make sure he works hard with you on your relationship and with the kids when he isn't in NL.

For those saying you would have to do more as a single parent are not necessarily correct. You might have shared custody and shared parental responsibility! He would have to step up on the days he looked after the children, wouldn't he.

I would not agree to this, especially in the current economic climate - Brexit and all that.

He needs to spend more time with the children, not less, if you want him to appreciate what you do more fully, OP. Although my DH and I have what I would describe as a good marriage we did get much closer as a family during a period where he was made redundant. He really began to really fully engage with what was going on in our DC's life, I felt.

Maybe if you would like to go back to work he could maybe take on more childcare and be out at work less. That might be fairer.

I felt hugely resentful of my husband when we had small children. He could choose to read a newspaper /have a coffee /go where he pleased. That pissed me off no end.

Didn't help that he was a bat out of hell every morning, very happy to leave the drudge to wifey. My resentment wasn't skin deep. I felt entirely unsupported - and taken for granted.

Jeaux No I don't have a live in nanny. I'm a widowed lone parent.

Actually I very recently remarried but the children are still ultimately my sole responsibility 24/7 and i know the strain that this puts on one. Which is why I suggested to OP that at the very least she would need to negotiate some weekends 'off'.

I was lucky to be able to switch to working from home when my (first) husband became ill, so I know about the emotional and health ramifications of being a full time carer and I don't think it is very often as easy as hiring a nanny.

Anyway, given that OP has described a prolonged period of financial stress I suspect her husband may not have the kind of income one needs for a full-time nanny. And also that they may not have a spare bedroom for live-in.

We did have a nanny many, many moons ago and it wasn't seemless. It took a few attempts to find someone great and then covering when she was off sick was tricky. And recruiting and training and running payroll and all that took up time and energy. I certainly didnt have the capacity to do all that when DH was ill and I could have done with a nanny again. But the main reason I couldn't have used one is that my children were unsettled and became very clingy to me and I could imagine this being the case for OP's children if their father is gone half the week whilst their sibling is in and out of hospital...

Oh and Jeaux the suggestion from OP's husband is not a full time live in nanny. It's 'a nanny to sleep over the night he isn't there'. Very different kettle of fish.

The OP can't make her H be a more active parent if he doesn't want to be and it doesn't sound like he wants to be. I think the OP's assumption that he would be resentful if she put her foot sounds about right. I'd have practical help with the children and support for returning to work, over a sulking, resentful, disengaged H any day.

Isetan really? Personally, I think fathers shouldn't get opportunity to 'disengage'. At least wives should not merely let them without pointing out this is wrong. These are his children too! Maybe the OP would like her children to have a father rather than just a financier. She also has just as much right to pursue her own career. They are both parents with equal responsibility for organising and carrying out childcare.

How old are your children op?

If they are very small, life may get easier as they get older and a bit more independent, you'll get free nursery hours and then they'll be at school.

But ultimately you sound very resentful of your DH whether he goes to Amsterdam or not. Why don't you work out what it is YOU want from your relationship?

5,2 and 6 months so yes young still.

And yes it's the disruption of being in and out of hospital that is really hard. I am one of those people that think a marriage shoukd be equal - I used to earn as much as him - I didn't sign up to be a sahm with him abroad. Unfortunately I do also think a nanny is a thing easily said but really hard to find a good one in practice - I can't be asking a nanny to come and deliver a change of clothes to us at the hospital for example. Ultimately why shouldn't he share in the stressful bits too rather than just be a money machine I guess. I'm also not sure I want a stranger staying in my house 2/3 nights a week - we only have 4 bedrooms so it would be cramped...