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Original poster

2017, have a read, comments, advice, views

32 replies

lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 00:42

Big time lurker, and love of Mumsnet. I am a man, but feel I am OK to post. Why the lurker? I had very few reference points during my separation and sought feelings even if they were in the majority re OW. Mine, a case of OM and the end of a long relationship that I held dearly. So that was a few years ago and today I find myself good with all that happened post closure (which happened to be the best course of action and all that I wanted) in as much as I can parent my children, continue with my work (ultra understanding firm on these modern day matters) and come through what a lot have managed, albeit fortunate and truth be told not as vile as some have suffered. So my question and point, I am of old school as such, OLD, what is meant by dating, how to determine anything that has a future I find it all very daunting. I believe I understand and read personality well enough, but modern society and what I feel are broken people confuses the hell out of me. Currently dating (and I don't quite get what that means) someone that tells me I mustn't express my feelings as that makes them run, but we continue to connect, have tons in common, but under lying current of arms length. I'm cool with that in a way, but another side of me yearns a relationship, but wonder how that is possible with my setup, and late 40's, what this isn't is when you set out in life in your twenties, early thirties and make a life for your self and your team, so precious is that position. So what is best hoped for this second time around ?

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 16/01/2017 04:16

I think communication could be the problem.

languagelearner · 16/01/2017 04:39

I think the best is to bring it up with the person in question, the "them" who is supposed to run. Every relationship is so different. The previous entry from Daisy has a point.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/01/2017 05:08

It depends on the other person in the relationship. Women and/or online daters aren't a homogeneous group. It's probably not going to work if you label them all 'broken people'. It makes you seem patronising and supercilious.

Original poster
lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 05:14

Indeed potential new relationships are very different. I get the point on communication, and I'm beginning to see that, but if communication of feelings is so narrow its so bloody difficult to get any feedback where you really stand, or what the "thing" is. Still don't really get it all, but continue to read with interest and saw a cross over thread on FWB, which provided some insight into this new age of people engaging with each other. Far more important threads to comment on and I realise that now, but definitely take on that point of communication, not just outset of something new, but as foundation throughout to keep a relationship sound. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 05:23

and wrong for me to generalise on the term broken, certainly not a label. It is something that crosses my mind a lot, and something I take very seriously, but context of the post of what I was asking unnecessary to mention.

OP posts:
Notsleepingeveragain · 16/01/2017 05:31

Modern society isn't full of broken people. OLD is used when people don't necessarily have access to meeting people in their usual environment, like work or uni or bars, and this naturally falls to a slightly older generation of people who have failed relationships and are cautious about a) being used by people b) getting to know complete strangers c-z) other host of reasons. It's not about being broken.

How long have you been dating. It usually takes longer to form a relationship in your 40s and OLD because you are starting from a completely different point to relationships which spark from friendships at uni/work etc.

I agree communication might be an issue

Original poster
lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 05:38

Wanders back in time to courting, now there was a lovely term, modern times and all that has made it a lot harder and harsher in both its terms applied and how it has almost become a business or a transaction. I'm sure it'll make sense to me one day, getting with the program as such.

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 06:25

Honestly, I am late 40s, and find your use of language is, well, if you started talking to me on a date like that, I would have fallen asleep by the time you made your point.

Which is to say, what is your point?

AnyFucker · 16/01/2017 06:30

Having the conversational style of Yoda might make things a tad difficile.

ihatethecold · 16/01/2017 06:47

Ok. So in my opinion, if I was dating now after being in a relationship for a long time, This is what I would want to happen.

A bit of flirting/banter but absolutely no dick pics!
To go somewhere on a date that wasn't a big commitment, drink, coffee etc.

If I text you, have the manners to reply the same day and vice versa.

Be interesting but don't talk about politics, dangerous ground at the moment.
Have respect for me.
Like dogs 🐶

By the way. I'm early/mid 40's and haven't been on a date as a single for 18 years but if I was looking I wouldn't accept anything less.

Original poster
lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 06:51

Amused by Yoda, honestly not my style but chuckles. Point was on modern "dating" and various other terms we now apply. 2nd time around relationships as well, but see now communication key to that as it is a different dynamic, blended families, what we bring into the "relationship", how we express our feelings, slow burn I think best here. Will jump back to lurking. AF thank you for the Yoda comment I like it and can't think of any post of yours that I haven't respected

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 07:05

No, it is not your style. Yoda is inciteful.

Point was on modern "dating" and various other terms we now apply.

That is not a point. It is a ramble. What is your actual point?

Original poster
lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 07:30

Disagree on the ramble, it raises a lot of points in my opinion. So you are going on "dates" with someone, continued dates, if who you are dating finds it hard to express their feelings or their feelings are narrow, think happy, sad, excited, bored and no wider range than that, is it possible to get how they feel? And if communicating feelings back they find uncomfortable again how to gauge or know whether to continue investing (hate that term, but read and hear it a lot)

OP posts:
RaeofSun · 16/01/2017 07:43

I think if you're having stilted conversations and don't feel confident to be able to discuss emotions then you haven't met the right person for you.

Follow the dating thread. If it's not fun or easy or intuitive they're not the right person for you.

ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 07:46

Ramble ramble ramble.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 16/01/2017 08:26

Are you Jacob Rees-Mogg?

TheNaze73 · 16/01/2017 09:14

What actually are you asking? This is like a Ronnie Corbett monologue

Nellyphants · 16/01/2017 09:19

Ronnie Corbett was amusing & got to his point eventually.....

TimidLividyetagain · 16/01/2017 09:30

If she won't talk about deeper feelings and say they will make her run, she sounds like she's not the person for you

PhilODox · 16/01/2017 09:47

I think people that are in their 40s don't have time/opportunity to meet people, as they're so busy/senior in their careers. Hence online dating.

Is English your first language? I know the internet is casual usage of language, but the more explicit you are with your "speech", the more people will be able to help/advise, and the more successful you will be with dating, surely. (Hate the word dating, particularly when the UK form of dating is so different from US. There should be a different word to use in UK!)

FilledSoda · 16/01/2017 11:02

I was wondering if English was your first language too to be honest.
Is this how you talk IRL?

Original poster
lurkercomingout · 16/01/2017 11:36

Yes to English as first language. Responses have been very helpful, triggering perhaps that I'm socially awkward but that is positive for me to hear.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 16/01/2017 12:23

AF I was racking my brains trying to work out the rather singular communication style Grin

daisychain01 · 16/01/2017 12:33

So you are going on "dates" with someone, continued dates, if who you are dating finds it hard to express their feelings or their feelings are narrow, think happy, sad, excited, bored and no wider range than that, is it possible to get how they feel?

If you are having trouble 'connecting' with someone, maybe it's a sign they aren't right for you. Maybe instead of homing in on just one person, go out with a range of different people, platonically if that's your style, and then take things forward with someone you do connect with.

Sounds like you haven't found the right person yet?

springydaffs · 16/01/2017 12:42

I think if you're having stilted conversations and don't feel confident to be able to discuss emotions then you haven't met the right person for you.

This.

The right person for you will feel right, y'know? It'll just flow.

Ps use paras. Easier to read