2017, have a read, comments, advice, views

[lurkercomingout]

Big time lurker, and love of Mumsnet. I am a man, but feel I am OK to post. Why the lurker? I had very few reference points during my separation and sought feelings even if they were in the majority re OW. Mine, a case of OM and the end of a long relationship that I held dearly. So that was a few years ago and today I find myself good with all that happened post closure (which happened to be the best course of action and all that I wanted) in as much as I can parent my children, continue with my work (ultra understanding firm on these modern day matters) and come through what a lot have managed, albeit fortunate and truth be told not as vile as some have suffered. So my question and point, I am of old school as such, OLD, what is meant by dating, how to determine anything that has a future I find it all very daunting. I believe I understand and read personality well enough, but modern society and what I feel are broken people confuses the hell out of me. Currently dating (and I don't quite get what that means) someone that tells me I mustn't express my feelings as that makes them run, but we continue to connect, have tons in common, but under lying current of arms length. I'm cool with that in a way, but another side of me yearns a relationship, but wonder how that is possible with my setup, and late 40's, what this isn't is when you set out in life in your twenties, early thirties and make a life for your self and your team, so precious is that position. So what is best hoped for this second time around ?

I think I understand some of what you are trying to say.

When we first start out in relationships it is much clearer what the ' end result' is and what we are looking for. Most people are ultimately looking for the right person to enter a permanent relationship with and start a family.

Later in life when you have possibly had a family it is not so clear what you ( or other people) might be looking for ' second time around '. There are more variables in play than simply two single people looking for the person they want to build a life with.

It is also more likely that people in this dating pool have been hurt/ shaped by their past experience and may be more cautious etc.

If somebody finds themselves unexpectedly looking for a new relationship this landscape can be a little baffling.

I'm not dating again yet but I am trying to focus on the positive aspect- I've already had my family so I'm not looking for somebody to build a life with just someone who is compatible with the life I have already built for myself.

The issues around communication of feelings could be just down to the individual.

It may seem like dating is more of a ' business transaction ' because people are being more upfront about what they are looking for in a relationship.

The advice on the dating thread ( I lurk) tends to be along the lines of being open minded but clear about what you want, knowing what you are prepared to compromise on and not investing too much emotionally until you feel the other person is on the same page as you.

Sorry for waffling....

Thank you skyblue not waffle, and has articulated my post.

All responses have been very helpful some more than others. All valid.

It is appreciated.

Singular communication style guilty as charged, txt, forums, social media can lend itself to that style where listening, hand jestures, IRL are lost in this 2 dimensional communication style. Probably an art to master both and adapt between virtual and real World.

Think we have done this thread and I sincerely appreciate all responses, some funnier than others.

Decides to not throw himself into the World of MN actively.

Aw op. You lovely thing you

I always see it is easier to feel the emotion, rather than talk about it. If you find yourself in need to hear from the person how they feel and you aren't able to see it, there is a big problem in one of you.

If someone me told me that I wasn't allowed to talk about feelings or they would run I would consider the following:

• am I trying to talk about feelings on date 2 and she's a perfectly normally emotionally healthy woman who is worried that I'm not?

• does she has some issues but she's genuinely working on them (therapy?) and asking me to bear with her, and otherwise all is fab? I'd give it some - but not indefinite - time

• does she have issues and think she can just carry on dating without addressing them and take everyone else's feelings down as collateral damage? If so, I'd tell her to sort her shit out before dating, and leave it

Why do we have to analyse and intellectualise this stuff.

Go out there, be yourself. Be open, honest, expressive, flirty, sexy, funny, whatever.
If they express concern that you're to open or honest or offer an opinion on your personality then to me that is a red flag, It means a forthcoming manipulative relationship and so they can F**k Off. Being me is the most important thing in life. If they like it then great if they don't then they don't. Move on and "Next please"

Like ^^