Ex boyfriend now having a baby with new girlfriend

[Agatha44]

Hello, I am new here. I am just wondering if anybody has been through a similar thing to me.
I was with my boyfriend for nearly 15 years and lived together for 5 of those years. I thought we were in it for keeps. We had spoken about marriage and kids in the future. I maybe put too much pressure on him in the last couple of years to start a family when he wasn't ready. About 6 months ago he started getting more and more distant and went into himself. I had thought it was pressures of work so didn't think much of it. We have had times like that before in the past so thought it was just a patch we were going through. If I am honest I wasn't overly happy in those months myself.
Well long story short he asked me for a break to which I agreed. I thought some time apart would be good for us. In that 'break' I found that he had literally started seeing another woman and they had slept together. I was so shocked and my heart broke. He then split up with me, I would never have taken him back after what he did. Now I have just found out that the woman is now pregnant.
I was completely floored by that news. He didn't want to have children with me but he now has a baby on the way. I didn't think my heart could possibly break anymore than it already had been. I know I am better off without him and things will get better for me but I can't help but feel like this new woman has come in and stolen my dream from me, all I ever wanted was for him to be the father of my children. I should point out that as far as I am aware the baby wasn't planned and he was as shocked as anybody!
I have an amazing support system around me and everybody has said this is the start of something great for me and I will find somebody who values me and wants the same things as me. I feel like I am seriously lacking in self confidence. He has always been by my side and I am not sure who I am without him.
If anybody has any advice or has had a similar experience I would love to hear from you.

listen... your doing well.... you've seen them now... it's over...

I'm still convinced given a few months he'll be beating your door down to come back....

Stay Focused on YOU x

Fwiw, I don't think their relationship will last. A baby is bloody hard work. He will get no sleep, his finances will be stretched, and his OW won't look quite so good when she's covered in baby sick, stretch marks and hasn't had a good nights sleep for months on end. I predict he'll think back to his care free travelling days with you, quite a lot.

Op, I'm really sorry you're going through this but your focus is still on them, him, her , the baby, how they will cope, how he will cope, why did she get pregnant. Your posts focus on them.

You need to close this off now. Email him and tell him you're putting the house on the market. Start taking control of the situation.

Thank you all for your positive comments. I do feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to work on the worry and concern I have for them and their situation. They have so many things stacked against them, a lot of pressures from elsewhere. They have only being seeing one another for a matter of months and they will be bringing a baby into the world.
I know they didn't give me a second thought when they started what they started but I cannot help but feel sorry for them! They really have f*cked up what they probably thought would be a cosy little secret 'affair' between them! They will not be able to keep the baby secret for much longer. I also can't help but be concerned for the little baby who didn't ask for any of this. I am not a malicious person and up until now I really haven't done anything but defend them and their actions. I won't badmouth them because I don't want to lower myself to their, pretty frankly, low standards.
I just need people to remind me that they wronged me in so many ways and actually it is alright to feel angry and shout and swear!!
I am going to try that box thing though, sounds like a brilliant idea!!
Onwards and upwards for me!!!

I feel very sorry for you OP, but as many others have said, I don't believe your ex was shocked to hear about this baby. He is as responsible as her for the pregnancy, and I am willing to bet that it was not only planned, but they have also been an item for a while.

I hope you are still young enough to find love again and have that baby you desire. Have to admit, I would never ever not have a baby if I wanted one, just because my partner didn't want one. I have heard so many sad tales of women who remained childless coz their man didn't want a baby, then he buggared off and had a child with another woman, and then it was too late for her. Fuck that.

He's been a shit, but honestly, given time, I think you'll start to see that actually you'd outgrown him and the relationship.

It sounds like he was a great fun-for-travelling-with-in-your-20s boyfriend, but that he wasn't ready/willing to transition to slightly-more-grown-up-30-something-partner, wheras you were already there.

You're now free to find someone that actively wants to marry you and have a family, rather than someone who's still pissing you about after 15 years. And when you find that person you'll realise just how mediocre your ex was. Life is hard enough without having to drag an unwilling manchild every step of the way...

You sound like his mum, op. You're not his, or her, mum - right?

I hate to say this but I have been guilty, on a monumental scale, of feeling sorry for people who have hurt me terribly. Really deeply wounded me. People from whom I expected much more basic respect. It has been a way to focus on something other than, deflect from, my unbearable pain.

I know! He is a twat! Bottom line, they are both idiots who have royally screwed up. It is Not. My. Problem.
The fuckwit has made his bed...he can bloody well lie in it!

Have some fun and also you need to get a bit angry at them, its kind of part of the process, have you a couple of good friends that can take you out on the town/round to theirs? Stay over with them?

Also rationally think about the financial situation, make sure that assets are divided up equally, don't walk away with anything less than your share. January is a busy time in the property market so fingers crossed that the house sells soon.

I am going out tonight to a friend's house, I am pretty sure he won't be there. He will be 'busy' as usual. I am looking forward to seeing everyone and having a catch up.

I have reached the anger stage, it is actually quite motivating! I am even more determined to get the house stuff sorted. We have some time off next week to work out what we want to keep in the house, who has what etc. I am not sure how much he will want to keep because from what I understand he will be getting a new place with the other woman. I can't see her wanting stuff that was ours in her new home!

Hopefully I will be able to keep a cool head next week and not get a) too emotional b) ask him any questions!

Wish me luck! I am going to need it!

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you have been so upset about this, and I completely understand why you feel the way you do but like other people have said, he probably isn't shocked by the pregnancy and maybe it was planned.

Many years ago I had a long term relationship with someone I loved very much. I didn't want children and neither did he as it happened. Anyway, after a few years we drifted apart emotionally, and separated. We were both sad about it and I think maybe we both thought after some time apart we'd get back together, although we didn't say so, this was a definite split rather than a temporary break. However, within a few weeks I met someone I fell absolutely head over heels in love with. It wasn't planned, and I hadn't wanted to meet anyone else, but meeting this man made me realise that I had been much more unhappy than I realised with my previous partner. After 4 months we became engaged, then we got married and had the children which I had been adamant I didn't want previously. We've now been together 24 years.

Maybe your ex partner was like me, and genuinely didn't want children until he met the person he knew he did want children with. I suspect from what you say that your ex had already met his new partner before you split up, but he may not have done. If you had told me two weeks before I split with my ex that within 6 months I would split up, then meet someone I wanted to marry and have children with I would have thought you were mad.

I think you should be kind to yourself and look ahead to whatever opportunities are ahead, because they will be there.

Ultimately you've done very well out of the imo.
You don't have to procreate with a cheat.
He will now learn his lesson.
You have freedom to find yourself (and look amazing with all the exercise you're doing).
You may find a nice person who doesn't cheat and thank your lucky stars your ex freed you to move on.

My ex did the same I guess. Had a baby with a girlfriend he'd been with for a month when she got pregnant... a 5 week overlap between us during which he was begging me to come back. I can't quite bring myself to hope they don't last though, the little one needs two parents. She's already pregnant with number 2 and you can't help but think what's he afraid of ... 2 kids in under 18 months. I can see who's the trapped one

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan - your story gives me a lot of hope and I am so pleased it worked out for you! Sounds like you have got a keeper now!

Thank you Agatha I have. My ex was a lovely man, but we had been together since we were in out teens, and by our mid 20s were very different people. I think both of us were unhappy in our relationship but didn't realise it until we had a major row and split up. No one else involved. We were both very sad bit it was (for me and I think also for him) liberating.

I know it's different for you because, unlike with my ex, you didn't want to split up. But I really hope that you can move forward and that there are exciting times ahead for you.

Haven't read whole thread but do bear this in mind: if you're in similar social circles then they'll get to hear about you moving on with your life, doing fabulous things and meeting new people, just as much as you get to find out about them. I know which one is find more interesting!

I'd rejoice in the fact that while they're being woken every hour by a newborn you'll be doing your own thing! Honestly a lot of having a baby is drudgery - mine is ten months and a good sleeper and it's still insanely hard work. You're young, you have time. Enjoy your life and don't waste another second on this loser

I can only echo what others have said. In time you'll be able to look back and remember what fun you had in your twenties but be very happy with your new man and family in your 30s and 40s.

I had a similar-ish thing. Living with exDP in my 20s. He always said that he loved and wanted me but wasn't interested in getting married. Couldn't see the point even though he knew it was important to me. We had a 'break' from living together at his request & I moved out. Long story short he cheated with another ex and was married to someone else within 6 months. Turns out he just didn't want to marry me!

My now DH understood when we got together that marriage and DC were part of the deal. If he wasn't interested in that possibility then he wasn't the man for me.

Things move much more quickly in your 30s and we were married and parents within 3 years!

I'd say that when you meet someone new that you like, have the conversation early so that you don't waste time.

Thank you for your responses!
If I am being completely honest with myself I know this is the right thing. Maybe we did just reach a natural end. We were just plodding along towards the end of last year. He did something about it but in the worst, most hurtful, cowardice way imaginable. That's what I am finding hard to deal with, his lies and betrayal (he didn't tell me about the other woman, I found out by looking at his phone - some might say that I betrayed him by doing that). But now it is out in the open I do feel liberated and it is quite an exciting feeling!
I mentioned to my friends last night that I am learning a foreign language and they were so proud that I am throwing myself into things like that. They know that I am a terribly shy person most of the time. So yes, from that point of view he will hear about the things I am doing and see that I am moving on and I don't need him as much as he and I thought!
I will be off doing all these things and he will be at home (they still don't know where they will be living when the baby arrives) with a woman he barely knows, trying to make their relationship work and dealing with all the things that come with having a newborn!
It is so fantastic hearing all your stories about a love gone bad but about where you are now and how much better and happier it gets!

I've been there. It's awful. In my case we have a ds together. About 10 years into the relationship when ds was 4 we had a break. A few months into that came the 'I'm going be a father again' phone call with a woman who was very similar in apparence to me but older. I went through all of the emotions you've expressed on here and probably some you're too ashamed to admit (I'm still too ashamed to admit myself). When he told me it was going to be twins I laughed and actually started to feel bad for the OW as I knew what type of df my ex was. Poor woman. Especially as my predictions turned out true and she is having to raise these dc with only the slightest of involvement from the ex.
As for me, I swore of men. He broke me. I refused every invitation and advance for 10 years. Then last year my car broke down and I fell in love with the mechanic who came to fix it. We are getting married next year. The old cliche of things happening for a reason and it wasn't nice and I wouldn't want to go through that again but it really worked out far better for me.

You will be fine. It may not happen tomorrow but it will happen for you to

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe I am sorry that you had a terrible time until you met your mechanic last year! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding also!
My ex and I have spent most of this week getting the house sorted and have had some valuations. We just need to decide who we want to sell our house with and when. He is obviously on a bit of a tight time scale and they apparently want to buy a new house before the baby arrives. It has been a terribly emotional week and have spent many hours crying when we have been going through our belongings.
I can see that the end of this is potentially not that far away now and it is freaking daunting but it is also the start of something new for me (and him!).
I just wanted to say thank you for all of the responses I have had so far! It is great getting an outsiders view!

So I don't know what the etiquette is for resurrecting old posts but I am doing it anyway! I just wanted to give an update of where I am because so many of you have given me great advice. I am still in the house, it will hopefully be put on the market within the next fortnight. I never thought I would say this but I really like living on my own! Will be a shock when I go back to my parent's house!

I am in a much better headspace than I was previously. I have been to see a Relate counsellor and found it to be the most eye opening 50 minutes of my life. The lady helped me to see that I have had an escape and that we wouldn't have probably lasted much longer. At least we didn't get to the stage where we were arguing all the time and basically hated one another. We parted on good (as good as it can be after what happened!) terms and i am grateful for that. She said from what I told her I am doing as well as can be expected and my positivity and strength is admirable. She couldn't say the same for him but that's another story.

He sent me a message on my birthday saying that he realised I was distancing myself from him. I am only talking to him about the house now. His friends all found out about the baby at the weekend so at least I don't have to keep that a secret for them anymore. They must be at least 20 weeks by now. I am just letting them get on with it and trying my hardest to keep them out my head.

I have realised that he has been a complete and utter prick (everybody has been telling me this) but I needed to realise it myself. Since I have I feel like a different person. I feel lighter and so much more positive about the future. The cloud above my head is lifting more and more each day. I know I will still have dark days but they seem to be getting fewer and fewer.

I really just wanted to update everyone and say I am doing ok! Plus to let people who have just recently split up from a partner know that there is light and it does get easier. It is so shit, all consuming and gutwrenching. I will admit back at the start of the year I didn't believe it would get better but I am there and I am experiencing it getting easier each day!

Thank you MNers!!

Hey just came across this post and was wondering how your doing now? Hope life's treating you well ✌

My ex cheated on me ( for the previous 2 1/2 years) when I found out , my kids were 4 and 7 at the time, long story short, got divorced, I have got a new partner, he married that girl, who is 15 years younger than me. My kids are now 11 and 14 and the new wife is now pregnant I found out today. I don't want to spoil the baby sibling for my kids, but I just feel so cross and conflicted with her!!! She will feel the same love for the dad and her child and she took all that away from me. It is not the babys fault but I just feel so angry

You learning a foreign language probably did it. He probably thought you were shagging your tutor - sorry joking.

Given the details I think you should be ok. He’s the one with the responsibilities after a relatively short relationship.

I realise why you might feel down but give it time. You’ll be grateful