Why some people cant walk away from unhealthy Relationships?

[Takealeafoutofyourownbook]

Ok, so including myself, I want to know why some people CAN'T FIND THE STRENGTH to walk away from an unhealthy relationship?

Stay and it's torture, the thought of leaving the person is torture. Can't win!

Why can some people just leave and others not?

Mine has MH issues he walks in and out of mine and our children lives but no matter what he does and how many nasty aggressive outbursts he has I can't seem to bring myself to cut him off!!
I think I am scared that he will meet someone else and that they will be worth getting better for and that he'll be happy and healthy with someone else and that I was never enough!!

Pudding21, I so understand how you feel. I too am intelligent, not unconfident and yet somehow keep putting up with stuff that if it was anyone else I would have been telling them to LTB. I am a people pleaser married to someone who seems to use verbal crap when life isn't going smoothly or his way. I too sometimes think I should tape him. He has many good qualities too and you then get cycles where things seem OK and you think 'I haven't really got a reason to leave' , especially as in my case it would mean effectively losing my job. I once said to myself I was waiting for our son to be 18 and leave home, he has and I'm still here, still feeling very unsure . 21 years is a lot of history

Because it's never all bad

THIS. A million times this.

I think this is SO important to understand. It's why you see so many posts here that start 'he's a nice guy really but...' or hear women saying 'he's not really an abuser because he also does such-and-such for me'.

When you're in the middle of it you hear all these tales of horrible abusive partners and it all sounds familiar but you think it can't apply to yours because he isn't like that all the time. What you don't realise is that most of those men you're hearing about aren't like that all the time either. Because if they were, there would be no dilemma. Most women would be out of there like a shot.

But in reality, most abusers will have some supposedly 'redeeming' qualities that make their victim feel they should stay with them. That's what makes it so hard. You see these glimpses of the 'good' guy and you think maybe he'll change, maybe if you just try harder you can keep him this way all the time, maybe it's your fault he gets like that because look! He can be nice! Maybe you're the horrible selfish one for wanting to leave him when he's just tired/stressed/whatever.

That's how it was for me, for years. He would be just nice enough to me to make me feel like it would all be ok this time, and then as soon as I got too comfortable the attacks would start all over again.

He made me doubt myself so much that even after we (finally) broke up I was going around telling people that he was such a lovely guy really and that I didn't want people thinking badly of him. But he isn't a lovely guy at all. It's taken me a long time to see that, though.

To those thinking of taping him, I tried that once and it spectacularly backfired. I thought that if I could just make him realise how he treated me then he'd stop once and for all. He didn't. Instead he flew into a huge rage calling me a manipulative bitch and saying things like 'I thought I knew who you were but I never thought you would stoop this low' and accused me of deliberately twisting the situation and playing up the 'victim' role in the tape to make him look bad. He sulked and raged for ages and I had to apologise over and over, agree that it had been an evil thing to do and beg for his forgiveness.

Just a word of warning that it may not go the way you imagine it going.

You all make so much sense!

I'm literally sat here pondering on my self worth, on my personality wondering why I have little to shallow boundaries. I have Google's people pleaser and I fit it to a T! Made me sit here and think about my history, "oh I'm a kind person, I do anything for anyone" I used to say... truth is I've been a mug. Roll on counciling!

Hermonie2016 "helped him build up the victim role" I've seen glimpsed of this already... SHIT!!!!!

Mentality*

Takealeaf I think that's exactly how it started for me too. I prided myself on being a helpful, generous girlfriend and I was always doing little favours or running errands to help him out. He'd be so grateful and tell me what a fantastic girlfriend I was and I'd feel so happy because that was what I wanted. But as time went on those things became expected of me.

For example, it started out with him asking me to pack his bag for work a few times in the mornings when he was running late. Fast forward a few years and I was being kicked out of bed early every morning to get all his things ready for him so that he could have a bit more of a lie-in. If I was ever ill, or really exhausted, I basically had to beg to be 'allowed' not to do it just this once. He'd still tell me it was just a 'favour' and that he was always really grateful to me for helping him out, but if I ever didn't want to do it then he'd sulk and tell me how disappointed he was because 'I thought you liked helping me'.

I can see now that being helpful and generous is a wonderful thing, but that I need to recognise when people are taking advantage of that!

Takealeaf, most counselling is about helping someone express and validate their feelings.What you feel is 'right'.It works for people who behaviours are not hurting others.
If he's abusive to you because he feels you ignore, disrespect or whatever then that view is not challenged in typical counselling.
If you read the Lundy book you see the approach counselling needs to take which is challenging the thoughts he has.Partners are abusive because of a skewed sense of entitlement.She should do xyz, I am entitled to get angry when she doesn't do xyz.

He is also likely to play down your fears or how he over reacts.That's a natural instinct.Stbxh went for a year, everything got much much worse as the counsellor was taking money each week to hear him validate his feelings.I don't think he increased his personal insight or gained any emotional intelligence at all in that time.

If anything it reinforces his belief that he was a victim because he didn't get his needs met..those needs were to be angry with me over anything he viewed as an issue.
I now feel it was completely naive of me to assume counselling would have worked.

If he knows he abusive why is he going for counselling? To manage his anger? To gain empathy? I doubt counselling is the right place to gain those skills as you need specific programs.

With me it was looking at all I would have to do that made me hesitate to leave.He eroded my confidence and isolated me.I suppose I waited until fear of leaving was Les than the misery of staying.I regret not leaving sooner as I could have saved my daughter years of unhappiness too,but we are out and recovering just the financial stuff to sort.Funny that his controlling behaviour intensified when we were leaving and his anger that I was stronger than he thought.

I think those that are trying to summon up the energy to leave should carry on this thread for support. I was laid awake form 6am this morning, typing a letter in my head to try and explain to him why I want to leave.

Thing is a few weeks ago i told him I thought he was abusive, most men would be devastated with that right? And ask questions, and wonder what they had done. He hasn't mentioned it again. He doesn't think his actions are wrong. And thats the mind f**k because you question yourself.

Last night he cooked dinner (he is a SAHD, i work full time) and my 5 year old was being a bit slow because he has been poorly. He told him he was using the wrong hand for his knife and fork. My five year old wasn't, he was right, OH was wrong. So I kind of jokingly laughed a little. No intention in at all just trying to lighten the mood.

He said "you should leave it you know, I haven't stopped all bloody day blah blah blah" for no reason. i wasn't questioning him. Then I took a mouthful of my dinner and he said "good god, do you need a shovel?".

He is so f**king cruel to me. This morning my nearly 9 year old for the first time said to him "stop being mean to mummy".

My heart is breaking, and I guess because of my low self worth I am finding it hard to be proactive about getting myself out this hell hole.

I read something once that said that you naturally look to the person who hurts you to stop the pain. That really resonated with me. If you leave you have to deal with everything they have done to you and the impact of that. If you stay you think to yourself theres always a chance theyll change, apologise, start loving you and it will make up for everything theyve done and take away your pain easily. Sometimes its much harder to accept that they will never do that and you have to face the fallout alone.
Also its that you try and have some control over the situation and make it about you... maybe if you just try harder they will change? maybe they are reacting to something that you are doing and if you change that they will change? When in actual fact they are just horrendous people and its not about you and you can do nothing.... thats hard to accept sometimes because its frightening.

I had a huge meltdown last night with my mum. But of a fucked up situation but she is also trying to find the strength to leave my dad, who I adore but he is controlling and can be verbally abusive when drunk. They are still living together but she has told him its over. Anyway, I was feeling really fragile, they arrived to the country I live in (they have a place here, they come every month more or less) and my mum said to me " It would be nice once in a while if you cooked us a chilli or something for when we arrive".

I work full time, 3 days a week I have to pick the kids up form school at 5:30, get their tea and sort the house out, the other two days my day doesn't finish until 8:30. I literally have hardly anytime to cook for us as a family (OH does actually do a lot of the cooking), so it really upset me.

I had to walk away as I was crying so much, I don't blame my mum. She only said it as my Dad had mentioned something. Why is everything so goddamn conditional? I had a good chat with my mum, its not her fault, its like we mirror each other.

I feel like honestly I cannot do anything right in any walk of my life.......I am so low.

Funny think is, when I arrived home it was obvious I had been crying (I always wear eyeliner and mascara and I had a totally bare face). OH said nothing, didn't notice, or did and chose not to say anything. I have tears streaming down my face now, just feel so hopeless :(

pudding21 first in the hope they make you feel a little better. The row sounds awful, you and your mum are both in a really bad place. It sounds like everyone expects you to do everything for them because you're so capable and it can be really hard to push back those expectations. But men like these don't care, my H is exactly the same. So we need to care about ourselves and realise that there is only so much you can do for another person. Your and my H's are responsible for their own behaviour, it comes from some toxic place inside them, we are not causing it, we are just the people they've chosen as their targets because they think we'll keep taking it. I've just downloaded Lundy Bancroft's Daily Wisdom book and I recommend it. It's short snippets about dealing with abusive men and is really helping me.

And second, I vote for keeping this thread going to support people trying to get out of relationships like these. I've been with H for 15 years, we have one DS (13), and I've reached breaking point with the relationship. Much of the time H is hypercritical, overwhelmingly negative about everyone and everything, manipulative, uses cold intense anger to control me, and increasingly DS, and I've been far too much of a people pleaser for years now. I've started counselling and my therapist asked me when I think things started to go wrong, and I reckon it was six years ago or longer, and it's like I've just woken up from a dream and am wondering how we got here. To be fair he always showed indications of this behaviour but he's got dramatically worse in the past few years, in part because I think he's disappointed with his life and is looking for someone to blame (and everything is ALWAYS someone else's fault, never his). I've seen a solicitor and am just getting up the courage to tell H I want a divorce. He knows I'm unhappy and we've had conversations about it over the past couple of months but he just pretends nothing is wrong, and now, after a couple of years of virtually ignoring DS, he's gone all Disney Dad. I know all hell is going to break loose when I tell H I want to split and I know, from his descriptions of his first divorce, that he is likely to become massively vindictive, but I don't have a choice. I can't have DS, who is level-headed and kind and I think knows that his dad's behaviour is wrong, spending the rest of his childhood observing a relationship this toxic and thinking that it's how relationships should be. Oh and to cap it all, I work from home and H has been off work for two years with various health issues which, to be honest, aren't as serious as he makes out and which he has manipulated to his advantage, so I rarely get any time away from him. Which is probably what has brought everything to the point I'm at now. More to finish on, I think we all deserve fields full of them

Loftella: thanks for your message of support, means a lot. You also sound capable and caring and pushed to the point of no return.

You describe your H just like my OH, negative, hypercritical, controlling, hitler like. i think he has always also been like this for a long time, but we had seperate lives for most of our relationship in a way so I had room to breathe. We have been together for 21 years ( I was 17, second boyfriend), and have 2 DS's 9 and 5. I have always worked and so did he. 5 years ago we moved overseas and built our own house. I ended up being the bread winner, it changed the dynamics. He is a stay at home dad, and to be fair, does a good job looking after the house but he struggles with this role change, but also showed no desire to try and find work here. I have a good job now, I work from home, so he is always here.

A lot of my male friends tell me hie is a lucky bastard and should be enjoying his life as I put no pressure on him to do anything. So long as the kids are picked up form school, and there is food in the house, the rest of the time he can do what he likes. He doesnt. He hasn't made any friends outside friends i have made (like couples), he has a shit relationship with his family. I could go on and on.

In August I was ready to leave, didn't. This was after a rare drunken night out (the kids weren't here,)he put his hands around my throat as we were arguing (and because I had a drink I was arguing back). I should have slammed the door shut and not looked back. But I felt that I should give him one last chance. I told him them we should have a trial separation but after a few weeks it was easier and less painful to slip back into life again. I know, stupid hey?

So I guess I am waiting for the next blow up, where I can feel 100% justified I am right to leave. My eldest has said twice in the last couple of days "daddy, don't be mean to mummy". So I know I have to let them know it isn't a healthy relationship and you need to have self worth. I also don't want them to think women deserve to be treated like that.

Problem is, i have a huge amount of empathy and love for him, even though he is a selfish horrible bastard a lot of the time. I also still have sex with him (go figure). I wish I could find an english speaking counsellor where I live as I think it would help a lot. Good luck and I hope you find the strength to tell him real soon. Getting a solicitor must be a step forward.

"after a few weeks it was easier and less painful to slip back into life again. I know, stupid hey?"

Not stupid at all, it's how they keep us, by switching between cruelty and normality, pretending the cruelty, in whatever form it takes, never happened. From what you've written you're absolutely 100% justified to give him an ultimatum - behave like a decent human being or get lost! But it's very hard when they're behaving like decent people. H is doing it at the moment. Keeps offering me cups of tea and saying he'll make lunch, etc. etc. But then there'll be some nasty critical comment, or the cold shoulder, or the anger, so even when he's on his "best behaviour" now the mask slips regularly. Sorry, I'm rambling. I received the solicitor's terms of business today and it looks like it may cost a sickening amount of money but I don't think I have a choice. I can't live the rest of my life like this and I know in my heart that he's not going to change. It's gone on so long that I just done love him any more, but then when I think about how much I did love him and how happy we were at first I want to cry.

I hope today is a better day, and that you get RL support and get a break from him sometimes. Funny about the mum thing and history repeating itself. My dad is a controlling, angry narcissist and growing up in the same house as him was terrifying. My mum is still with him, despite the revelation ten years ago that he had a twenty-year affair with a woman who was only about eight years older than me, but my mum said to me the other day "it's too late for me, but it's not too late for you", which made me so sad for her. More needed and possibly too

Loftella: the similarities in our stories. Scary. My mum said the same to me last night, she said "don't wait 20 years like I have, I want to be free".

Now she is worried about the impact on the grandkids. I guess the key is, to put ourselves first for a change, right? That we have worth, that we deserve to be treated better.

So damn hard. Keep strong, you can do this and right back at ya ;)

Oh and mine barely has any friends and also has a pretty shit relationship with his family. Another strategy for convincing us we have to look after them perhaps?

Do you use Pinterest? As well as reading a lot and trying to write when I can, I've started saving quotes about narcissists and how they control people to one of my Pinterest boards and whenever I'm feeling weak or he makes me feel like I'm crazy I go to Pinterest to remind myself that it's not me it's him! In the absence of an English-speaking counsellor it might help to try this sort of stuff?

"put ourselves first for a change, right?"

YES to this!!! I said this to H about a week ago during one of our conversations, that the time had come to put myself first, and the look of shock and confusion on his face, as if this was a completely ridiculous thing for me to suggest, was a picture! That was one of the moments of realisation for me. He'll never change, he'll drain me dry and when I'm used up he'll just move on to someone else.

You and your mum can do it, your DCs will thank both of you in the end. Time for and , later

Loftella: I don't use pinterest but I use Instagram in the same way. Its been very helpful actually. Funny thing is I know I am right, but I still feel guilty. I feel guilty it will probably kill him. But he has been depleting me for years!

I feel sad too of what we had, how happy I was (even though he has always been difficult).

Many, many reasons why people feel they can't just walk away.

If kids are involved that's usually the main thing.

Money/financial security

Love

Fear

Not wanting to be alone

pudding21 oh yes, the guilt, I get that too. In the end, we can only be responsible for ourselves and the DCs. Grown men should be capable of looking after themselves, including their emotional wellbeing.

Also because when you envisage leaving you know you are exchanging one set of problems for another set of different problems.

And you can't know in advance which set is worse.