Why some people cant walk away from unhealthy Relationships?

[Takealeafoutofyourownbook]

Ok, so including myself, I want to know why some people CAN'T FIND THE STRENGTH to walk away from an unhealthy relationship?

Stay and it's torture, the thought of leaving the person is torture. Can't win!

Why can some people just leave and others not?

*best and hardest (sorry)

Many of these posts make for sad reading.

It sounds like the only commonality in the relationship is both you & your partner have no respect for you.

Look at ways to raise your self-respect.

You deserve so much better!

Cheers.

I can answer this as I am in a toxic unhealthy relationship. FEAR. Fear of failure. Fear of the future. Fear of hurting the other person even though he hurts me everyday by his actions. Fear of disrupting the kids lives. Fear of losing mutual friendships. Fear of being lonely.

Thats it, the fear is worse than the pain at the moment. Working on it!

Well said Walkingdowntheroad. Kids will pick up their parents behaviours and mimic them. This is more prevalent between the ages 0-6 and maybe longer. If they are exposed to their fathers angry outburst or see them objectify women this behaviour pattern could be the same. Its the same with parent who row in front of the children. Kids see it as normal to argue. They will even start to argue with their parents and then the parents wonder why?
As for fear Pudding. Fear is just a thought. It needs to be overcome and the right decision made for all concerned. The grass has to be greener on the other side in these situation. it is not tolerable to people or their children to live in a toxic environment and will effect their MH dramatically for the worse. Everyone's MH.

Noego: I tried a few months ago to leave, I had a house lined up, I felt ready. Then I woke up one morning and had my first ever panic attack, pure fear. I felt like I was going to die. I convinced myself it was telling me I shouldn't be leaving, when it was probably the opposite.

I'm working on trying to overcome the fear and the obligation and the guilt. I am getting their slowly. My mental health isn't good and I would be naiive to think the children are not affected.

Funny, I am educated to Masters level, i am a nurse, I studied psychology, I feel massive amounts of empathy for every person I meet. Just need to give myself the same amount of consideration I give to others. I want to slap myself round the face and tell me to sort it out.......

He has faced all his fears (his abusive childhood)

But no he has not, because he is still abusive.

Abuse runs deep - so deep that the roots of it are usually unconscious, and it is those roots that drive our behaviours.

That feeling you get of not being able to stop even if your mind is telling you it's ridiculous? That's those root behaviours and beliefs at play. They are much more powerful than our conscious minds, and unless and until we address those, then we don't change.

How you address them is up to you. Personally, I have found therapy best, but it is long-term, and not everyone's cup of tea. I'm dubious that any other approach holds much value though. I think changing is the hardest thing of all. Which is why I don't tend to hold out much hope for most abusers.

Better that you deal with your own wounding, because I think it's easier to heal as a victim of abuse.

The abuser could be/maybe the victim of abuse and thinks it is normal to behave that way.
Therapy is the only way forward, for both abused and abuser. I do not believe that they should be together whilst they go through this therapy. The abused has to leave the toxic environment to stand any chance.

Pudding. Your fearful thoughts are overwhelming the rationale and logical part of your mind. Fear is stopping you from thinking straight and using the part of the mind that you need to access to make the right decision. Seek help to overcome this fear. PLEASE.

Pudding, I hope you find the courage.I am 3 months on and your post reminds me of the physical sensations I had.However I think it's because you have been in an abusive relationships that the fear is higher because you are already on high alert.

You could try self soothing techniques now knowing that when you do leave you will have the skills to soothe yourself.

Haven't read full thread but in answer to the OP.. Because, you genuinely believe that you will not cope as a mother. That things will fall apart without the security of him being there. And that you feel literally suicidal at the very fear of coping alone.

I was in an unhealthy relationship a long time ago now and really struggled to get out of it. We both ended up treating each other badly in different ways and i did have some self esteem issues but one thing i realised much later is that my difficulty partly lay in sunk cost fallacy (but from an emotional sense as opposed to financial).

Basically the longer we stayed together the more it felt that for things not to work out would be a terrible waste of time of energy and our lives.

Am very happy nowadays with DH but I do remember the feeling of being able to see a way out and wondering who else would love me.

I think the worst combination is an abuser and a pleaser. I bet most people who stay are strying to keep everyone else happy. I did this for years. My STBEXDH has an undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and I am an insecure pleaser. It took me five years to go. It took another man being kind and showing an interest in me. It made me realise that there are nice people put there. Unfotumately DH things I had a full-blown affair (I didn't - but it was an emotional one, I suppose) and jhas tried to turn everyone against me. But I am free!

I'm in the middle of trying to leave a relationship I know isn't healthy and has no future. I'm ping ponging back and forth emotionally and it's so frustrating as I know this relationship is so bad for me and it's hurting me a lot. Yet part of me still wants to hide in it rather than face up to the reality of the situation. I'm quite a passive person which is partly why I've ended up in this I think. Taking control of my life feels impossible at times.

I think a lot of it is the fear of the unknown and fear of starting again. With my ex he also had these cycles in the way he would act so it would be great for a while to win me over then after a few months go back into being moody, unhelpful unsupportive messy etc. I would talk to him about it and say I deserved more and so the cycle would start over again until eventually I found the courage to get off the rollercoaster and take a leap of faith into the unknown!

My reason is because I'm scared he will take my daughter away from me, ie come for visit and then just snatch her and disappear with her. That's why I'm suffering a shit relationship. Losing my daughter just can't happen.
I guess I'm lucky, mine isn't physically violent and has never raised a hand to me. It's all emotional stuff with him and controlling. I've switched off really. I go through the motions of pretending nothing is wrong just so I don't rock the boat and get him riled. I get the silent treatment and I can't stand it.
I've tried and tried to leave, get him to leave but he refuses. He has it easy with me. I know I'm a mug. I just need my daughter to be able to say her name, address etc and that she lives with mummy. Too young at the moment.
I've even bought my own birthday card for tomorrow from my daughter.

Following....

not sure if it is unhealthy...I hear things and I think wtf....but there's always a reason and plausible rational. Not abusive but I do wonder sometimes if I'm out of my head or have had the wool pulled well over my eyes

I have never heard the term insecure pleasure but that name rings bells with myself, I think I am one.

We have no children THANK GOD

So sorry to hear all your dad stories :( sorry you are going through similar 💐

Nice to hear the success stories also 😊

To this day I still feel it is unhealthy, he is suffering deep depression at the moment and I'm trying to drag myself out of mine 😧 mayhem household believe me.

Because it's never all bad

I too am trying to leave an unhealthy relationship. I waver between yes I'm done I'll be ok to complete inertia. All if it is causing me anxiety depression and as you can tell insomnia. We have no kids but he would have to leave. His behaviour towards me at the minute is not good bearing in mind my fragile state yet he's still here. I have lost me over the last year due yo multiple indiscretions on his part and I think this fear is the issue but fear of being alone and being emotionally not brilliant is surely better than being the same in what should be a supportive marriage.

Joto369- i have periods where I am ok, then periods where I feel dread at every day. I know when it is bad as I wake up at 4:31 and cant get back to sleep. I also had a huge panic attack the last time I was on the brink of leaving. I stupidly convinced myself it was because I was meant NOT to leave.

I almost feel like I am waiting for him to end it, so i can not feel the guilt. But he won't . And so the cycle continues. This morning I tried to broach a subject, and he just shot me down in flames. So I stopped. I can't even be bothered to try and argue anymore.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

I think I stayed for a number of reasons

1.Hoping it was temporary and would change back.

1. Trying to change the dynamic and make it better.We are encouraged to work on communication.
2. Feeling responsible and boundaries blurred.Did I cause it, was it really like that?

I do think if I had a camera at home it would have been easier for me to walk away.Seeing the way he behaved through someone else's eyes would have helped.

Writing a journal really helps as seeing a pattern of incidents over many years made me realise I was not imaging it.

A word of caution, my H went to counselling but that made it worse.A generic counsellor does not understand abuse and helped him to build up a victim mentality.

Hermoine: I thought that this morning, i thought about filming him and his responses to me.

One so I could show him, and so i could show someone else and see if I am right, or i am part of the problem. I am a sensible girl, but for some reason am stuck on this. I guess its admitting I have allowed myself to be badly treated.

When he told me to drop dead of cancer in front of my kids a couple of years ago not long after my best friend died at the age of 34. I should have left then.

When he didn't ask what my results were 18 months ago after I had a mammogram, I should have left then. They were fine, but that isn't the point.

When he argued with me for days about joining a gym, should've ended it then.

When he gesticulated he was going to spit in my face, should've ended it then.

Its like I am waiting for something MORE serious to make the excuse to leave. Its so hard.

I was in an unhealthy relationship between 18-24. Had 2 kids with him. It's funny cos i didn't love him, but felt like I needed him. It took me a good 3 years to leave him. & im glad I did. It was the hardest thing ever to do. I hated myself for not leaving him for a long time whilst I was still with him, but I was so scared of change. I had no source of income, no savings, nothing. When I look back, I realise how hard it was and I don't hate myself for taking so long, I'm just glad I did, it's an incredibly brave thing to do, and noone should beat themselves up for it if they're not ready yet, the time will come, you WILL be strong enough.

Exactly! I know what you mean exactly. My friend said today as soon as he's gone your anxiety will ease. I know what I have to do but it's the doing