Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just not that into me?

57 replies

Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 13:43

Please dating gurus clear something up for me?
I met a guy through mutual friends on New Year's Eve. He was surgically attached to me all night, asking tons of questions, obviously interested (confirmed to me by our mutual friend.) We then messaged and arranged to meet up in a couple of days. Clicked really well again, spent a few hours talking and having a coffee. He texted that night to say he'd had a lovely time and to set up the next date- we confirmed a time and plan that evening. Texted every day/every other day just casually the rest of that week, met as planned at the weekend and had lunch, went for a walk, film, then just spent hours longer talking and I ended up staying over. No regrets about that- the connection was great and we had sex, slept together etc. Work the next day but texted and he arranged the next date- dinner and cinema- for a few days later as I was going away this weekend and he wanted to see me. I thought that went well too, and he texted when he got home to say he had a lovely time, hoped I had a good weekend trip, and "let's do something next weekend" (so not setting an exact plan or day but showing he wanted to see me again.) I agreed, we texted good night. And since then- nothing. That was Thursday. Now it's Sunday. I'm away but have been on whatsapp and Facebook and I can see he has too. I'm pretty sure he knows I like him too and wouldn't be averse to hearing from him. He liked something I put on fb yesterday but it's been about 3 days no contact otherwise. Longer than previously. And I can't help thinking the "let's do something next weekend" may have been a bit noncommittal from him given he previously set up a proper date and day?
I know I only met him just over 2 weeks ago and trying very much to stay grounded about this. We really click, he said so too-- we've had sex, he's been interested and so have I.
But does this seem like a brush off now? I've been out of the dating game a good while. My ex was EA and awful and my self esteem isn't great but working on it. I don't know what is normal in terms of contact between (good) dates after 2 weeks and 3/4 dates (and sex). Any help or insight much appreciated to stop me worrying!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/01/2017 13:50

He could just be busy, he could be ghosting, only thing for sure is to let him come to you. He will if he is interested.

ImperialBlether · 15/01/2017 13:52

I know I can't talk as I slept with my (ex) husband on the first night, but I tend to wince when I read threads here when the OP has done that because I know it's going to end with complete lack of interest on the boyfriend's part. I know you're not talking about the first night here, but still very early on in the relationship.

There's another thread at the moment about having sex on the first or second date and there's a lot of shouting going on that women should do what they want, and of course they should, but although some relationships do come from sleeping together immediately, in the vast majority of cases it leads to people not seeing each other again.

loveyoutothemoon · 15/01/2017 13:54

Have you text him? It works both ways!

TheNaze73 · 15/01/2017 13:56

Why should he have to do all the chasing?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 13:59

Loveyoutothemoon- no Blush all the advice I've had from friends is to not initiate ever at the start. Also with the non committal "next weekend" I almost would feel a bit silly asking about it. I don't know if it's a)obvious (to anyone but me!) he has lost interest or b)unlikely that he has lost interest because of about 3 days with no texting after a date

Re the no sex thing.. I slept with my ex on date 2, friends have done so as early, I didn't think it was such a big deal these days. If it is i guess it's for the best that he is put off as he's clearly not the guy I thought (he def enjoyed it too)

OP posts:
Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 14:00

Naze- the advice I get is contradictory. Either don't initiate or chase ever, or do so-- but I have no idea what's best to do

OP posts:
dudsville · 15/01/2017 14:03

If he was only after sex then you might as well know that from the start, really if he's into you and it's mutual it should be easier. I think you might as wait it out. You've been in touch but the arrangement isn't exclusive so you could continue dating in the meantime.

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 14:04

Dudsville when you say "it should be easier" what do you mean? He should have contacted me by now?

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 15/01/2017 14:06

Maybe he thinks you've lost interest because you haven't contacted him since Thursday. (But you are clearly online, posting on FB etc)

OneWithTheForce · 15/01/2017 14:09

My first thought was that you're away for the weekend so he is just giving you space to enjoy your weekend! isnt it just as simple as that?

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 14:12

Onewiththeforce- that's what I thought I guess. And we only met 2 weeks ago. But I don't feel like I know what's normal for contacting each other if you're both interested, at this stage. I can hear from him and still enjoy my weekend-- would he really think I wouldn't want to hear from him? (Genuine question!)

Justspeaksense- as I posted before I've been trying the "let him chase" thing. Didn't use to do that and have exclusively dated useless arse holes. Because of his initiative to set up dates before I thought it was ok to keep doing that a while.

OP posts:
delawar · 15/01/2017 14:14

I agree with onewiththeforce
Maybe he thinks yr away and as ur not together long he might just think I wait till she's home , can you not message him?
He could be sitting somewhere thinking the same about you .

loveyoutothemoon · 15/01/2017 14:14

Initiating should be a two way thing.

Why should you not initiate ever at the start? Game playing rarely works.

peoplepleaser70 · 15/01/2017 14:15

I though the same as above. He knows you are away so I leaving you to your weekend. ... it's exactly what I would do in his situation. I'd leave it too Tuesday too I started to worry and then I would send a text x

JustSpeakSense · 15/01/2017 14:16

You are away for the weekend, he's giving you space. If you want to speak to him then you should send him a message, he's probably disappointed that you haven't contacted him in 4 days.

notsurehowtodothis · 15/01/2017 14:16

I'd just text him, say hi, ask how his weekend has been. Nothing to lose :)

loobylou10 · 15/01/2017 14:17

You haven't contacted him either! Text him!

PugwallsSummer · 15/01/2017 14:18

I also think he's not contacting you because you're away. He liked something you put on FB - if he wanted to avoid you, I don't think he'd have done that.

I would send him a text, personally. I don't really like the whole "rules" thing - it creates too much angst. At least if you text him and he doesn't respond, you know he's not interested. You don't have to mention when you'll seeing each other next, just send a friendly message and see what happens...

Elland · 15/01/2017 14:21

I think you should message him and ask how his weekends been, you'll soon know if he's lost interest because he won't message back. He could be sitting there thinking she's been online but hasn't messaged me etc! Nothing to lose by sending a quick friendly message

OneWithTheForce · 15/01/2017 14:23

I think he's giving you space. I know when I've been away for a weekend it usually means, being out and about, visiting people, local attractions, seeing a show, having a nice dinner etc. It can be a bit annoying to have to keep updating/chatting with someone who isn't there. You just want to take in your break from normality especially as a weekend usually flies in. I would appreciate a guy, especially a new one, giving me that space TBH. I'd be quite relieved he didn't expect constant contact.

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/01/2017 15:11

I've read a number of threads like this. It seems once the man has had his shag is not interested. I'm so glad I'm not in the dating game in this generation. I hope for your sake op he is just busy, you sound like you got on great

Cooloraction · 15/01/2017 16:46

I am in a very similar situation atm op. It is a real headache! I think a friendly text is ok and see if that leads anywhere? It is difficult because lack of text seems too trivial to call someone up on but when the frequency changes it does make you doubt.
In my situation I left it and contact resumed again from him , lead to another (great) date but contact dropped again. So annoying!!!

Original poster
Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 19:34

It's quite reassuring to see a few people think this is normal because I went away for the weekend. Can't stop thinking about it though! But I guess I'll wait til Monday/Tuesday as he knows I'm back on Monday evening. rhe whole "let's do something next weekend" does seem a bit vague though. Keep thinking about it and stressing. I really really liked him and I thought we could actually be onto something.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 15/01/2017 19:39

Oh come on...just text him!

AhYerWill · 15/01/2017 19:47

I wouldn't think the worst - sounds like he's just being respectful of your time away. I'd also ignore all the bollocks advice about never initiating. It's fair enough to let him make some effort at the outset, but actually, playing hard to get is likely to be interpreted as uninterested by all but the worst players (and who wants one of them?). Most nice, respectful blokes won't keep pursuing you if they don't get some inklinking that actually you're interested too.