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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just not that into me?

57 replies

Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 13:43

Please dating gurus clear something up for me?
I met a guy through mutual friends on New Year's Eve. He was surgically attached to me all night, asking tons of questions, obviously interested (confirmed to me by our mutual friend.) We then messaged and arranged to meet up in a couple of days. Clicked really well again, spent a few hours talking and having a coffee. He texted that night to say he'd had a lovely time and to set up the next date- we confirmed a time and plan that evening. Texted every day/every other day just casually the rest of that week, met as planned at the weekend and had lunch, went for a walk, film, then just spent hours longer talking and I ended up staying over. No regrets about that- the connection was great and we had sex, slept together etc. Work the next day but texted and he arranged the next date- dinner and cinema- for a few days later as I was going away this weekend and he wanted to see me. I thought that went well too, and he texted when he got home to say he had a lovely time, hoped I had a good weekend trip, and "let's do something next weekend" (so not setting an exact plan or day but showing he wanted to see me again.) I agreed, we texted good night. And since then- nothing. That was Thursday. Now it's Sunday. I'm away but have been on whatsapp and Facebook and I can see he has too. I'm pretty sure he knows I like him too and wouldn't be averse to hearing from him. He liked something I put on fb yesterday but it's been about 3 days no contact otherwise. Longer than previously. And I can't help thinking the "let's do something next weekend" may have been a bit noncommittal from him given he previously set up a proper date and day?
I know I only met him just over 2 weeks ago and trying very much to stay grounded about this. We really click, he said so too-- we've had sex, he's been interested and so have I.
But does this seem like a brush off now? I've been out of the dating game a good while. My ex was EA and awful and my self esteem isn't great but working on it. I don't know what is normal in terms of contact between (good) dates after 2 weeks and 3/4 dates (and sex). Any help or insight much appreciated to stop me worrying!

OP posts:

laurenmarie88 · 15/01/2017 20:00

Text him ? See how he's doing..... to me the first thing I thought reading this is he's just giving you space while your away probably waiting to hear from you? Liking your post on fb indicates he's not ghosting you in my opinion xx

TENSHI · 15/01/2017 20:10

All the men Ive ever met have been considerate, caring and great.company as part of the chase.

As long as they are in chase mode they are fantastic. Men and women aren't the same in this respect.

Basically, women who are had easily get talked about as though they are pieces of meat. Obviously there are women who treat/describe men like that too.

I think women analyse and think more about their catch and want to keep it whereas men are simply more simplistic about their catch and once caught, they like to move on.

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 20:14

Tenshi if every man just moved on after their "catch" then no one would have a relationship surely..... not convinced by this. He's a very gentlemanly guy and set up our next completely non sexual date the day after we slept together. And on that date he was nothing but lovely.

Anyway.. have been thinking about whether if he had gone away I would be stressing about not wanting to intrude/be annoying by contacting him and so it does make sense that he might be thinking that while I'm away.

OP posts:

knorrig · 15/01/2017 20:26

Good luck

laurenmarie88 · 15/01/2017 20:28

Well I bet he texts you, if he seems a genuine lad then he's most defo giving you space while away. Which that in itself is very gentlemanly! Bet he wants to text you :)

PinkFluff2 · 15/01/2017 20:30

I was seeing a guy once and one day he just disappeared. Months later we ended up speaking about it and he said it was because I never initiated contact, it was all left to him and he felt like I wasn't interested. I felt like I had made it clear I was.

After a few dates and you've slept together I think you should send a friendly text.

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 20:39

Well I don't want to show disinterest. But I'm back late tomorrow and tbh if he is giving me the space to enjoy my trip then I do appreciate that and I feel a bit silly for being insecure. So maybe I will just text him on Tuesday when I'm back. But then that's like 5 days since our last contact (if he doesn't contact me before that) which does seem a long time. Argh don't know!!

OP posts:

laurenmarie88 · 15/01/2017 20:55

I think you should text him huni there's no harm in it ..... who was the last to reply ?

Minivaperviper · 15/01/2017 21:00

It might be if you are away he is giving you space to enjoy it. I have done that with previous dps and they with me and we pick up where we left off when they come back.
If it's a week or longer then we might have sporadic contact but I never sit by the phone waiting.

laurenmarie88 · 15/01/2017 21:02

Don't worry if your a little insecure I am very haha

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 15/01/2017 21:04

it's normal to expect the person who is away to initiate contact as they ae presumed to be more busy than usual and possibly with bad signal etc. I bet he'd be chuffed to get a friendly 'hi' from you (but don;t ask him about the next date).
Also nothing wrong with his vague plans for next w/end, he doesn't have to come with exact details a whole week before. Maybe the firtst time he was still panicking you may not be interested but now he knows you can chill a bit - but liking your FB hting means he wants to stay in gthe picture/on your mind when you're away.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 15/01/2017 21:05

*you can both chill a bit

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/01/2017 21:12

Just enjoy your weekend!!! He'll text you on Tuesday.

All this advice about "let him know you're interested" seems slightly moot seeing as you've already seen him/shagged him/slept over and agreed to further dates.

Get off the sodding internet and have a lovely weekend so you a) stop worrying about some bloke; b) don't look like a saddo who is all over FB when they're meant to be having fun; c) gave stuff to talk about when you next see him.

I hate casual sex for this reason! People reckon they're strong enough to handle having sex with people they don't know, and then promptly fall apart afterwards at the first day without a text. Sex will DRAMATICALLY increase your feelings for a bloke so, if you'd rather not have to stress about how he feels, then don't shag until you know how he feels.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/01/2017 21:14

Well I don't want to show disinterest.

No worries there. :)

Seriously, when did we start treating men like delicate little snowflakes who fall to pieces if they don't hear from us on the hour??

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 15/01/2017 22:03

Ok. So it seems like it's unlikely I should worry and that his actions in not reaching out are normal as I'm away. I don't know what has caused me to get so worried. I guess I have a very chequered relationship history and he seems in a lot of ways so much nicer than other guys I have been with. I think he does know for sure I like him because when we were texting on Thursday I made a little comment about him being cute and looking forward to seeing him again. I guess the sex didn't help in making me feel secure, but in fairness it really really wasn't planned. I don't think either of us thought it would go that way on date 2 but we just talked from about 3pm-11pm and I didn't fancy getting a long taxi home (we live about 45 min apart though both in London.) so we kind of mutually agreed I would stay and the kissing turned into more but we also talked and cuddled loads etc and he was all about setting up the next date. So I am really hoping that that hasn't caused any issues because I didn't think it had.
Dating is tricky....

OP posts:

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 15/01/2017 22:18

I think you are massively over thinking this and just need to text him before you drive yourself mad! Haute say hi, how is your weekend going? Mine has been blah blah blah.... If he was ghosting you he'd surely have deleted you on FB etc, not liking posts.

Stop playing games and just contact him!

Bant · 15/01/2017 22:36

One of the things that amazes me on posts like this is that there's some assumption that the man knows what he wants.

Sometimes, the woman is clear what she wants, usually she's unsure.

We're all just feeling our way blindly through life. Men can fancy someone and then go off them because they come across as desperate - sometimes they do it in a cowardly way, sometimes upfront.

Maybe he's just getting on with life and hoping to god you like him, but not wanting to come across too strong, in case he scares you off. Maybe he's just seeing you as a potential fuckbuddy.

I'd say, drop him a line and ask if he wanted to do something at the weekend. It would be great to see him again. Because that's true.

Then see how much he'll do to make the weekend interesting for you. Give him an opener, let him close.

InfoFreako · 15/01/2017 23:09

It sounds like as he's got his leg over, he's lost interest - happens all the time with some people!

I wish you good luck.

Cheers.

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 16/01/2017 07:59

oh dear, wasn't really regretting the sex before but feeling a bit nervous now...
I think I may just leave it til Tuesday anyway.

OP posts:

Sunloving01 · 16/01/2017 08:20

OP I would leave it until tomorrow and then if you haven't heard from him, drop him a text asking how he is and whether he still fancies meeting up at the weekend. Simple.

If he texts back and wants to meet, hopefully that means he's still interested. If he makes excuses or seems non-commital/ doesn't text back then maybe he was never after anything serious and is backing away.

I'd give it it til tomorrow, he knows you're back then so if he's just giving you space to enjoy your weekend away then he will probably text tomorrow. But like I say, if not just drop him a text.

DowhatIwanttodo · 16/01/2017 08:23

So so many threads on here re men who back off after sex.

JennyHolzersGhost · 16/01/2017 08:32

"Let him chase" isn't the same as "never text him" OP.
Sometimes you need to show a bit of interest to keep him on the boil.
Since he knows you're away I'd leave it til you're heading home and then send him a casual "hey how was your weekend?" type of text.
There's no evidence to suggest he isn't interested. He's probably hanging back a little to test your interest levels.

Belleblush · 16/01/2017 09:13

Text him. You'll know then. I think it was a bit early to sleep with him (but I'm not judging) xxxx

Ladylouanne · 16/01/2017 09:33

In the early days of my relationship, there were a couple of weekends in the first 6 weeks or so where one of us was away. In each case, there was no contact during the weekends, but the person who had been away messaged on the evening they returned. That was nice in a way, because it sort of conveyed the message that getting in touch was the first thing we wanted to do when we got home.

It was slightly different in that we hadn't slept together by then (we're a bit of a distance apart so a lot of our early getting to know each other was done via messaging or on the phone). That said OP, I don't think that's an issue here, I think it's far more likely that he doesn't want to bother you when you are away but his reference to next weekend is a way of creating a fixed point when he'll see you.

TENSHI · 16/01/2017 09:36

So it seems women need to have in the back of their minds that what happens after Doing The Deed, no matter how good, will likely indicate a man's true intentions/feelings for you. A barometer if you like.

So some might say Do The Deed early so if you get dropped like a stone at least you didn't waste time before finding out.

Or if you want the chivalry, flowers, meals out, flattery and great company no matter what his true intentions/feelings are then don't Do The Deed for months!

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