Sad about a friendship that seems to be slipping away

[Biscuitsneeded]

I feel very silly posting this but I have realised it is eating away at me. I'm nearly 45, for goodness' sake. I make friends easily, have loads of people who class me as a good friend and have a busy social life. I've lived in my current city for 12 years - I moved here when pregnant with DC1 and met a woman at a postnatal group who I really clicked with. She's bright, funny, shrewd, shares my values and world view, and is someone I have really treasured over the years. She and I, despite being very gregarious and sociable, are both the kind of people to whom others pour out their troubles but are actually quite reserved about telling our own - except to each other. She is the only person other than DP (and a nurse when I miscarried) who has ever seen me cry as an adult, and I also know when she is pretending all's well and have been able to worm things out of her in the past when other people wouldn't have noticed anything was wrong. I have loved my tactful, thoughtful,discreet and wise friend.
But for about 6 months now I have the distinct impression she doesn't want to spend time with me. If a mutual friend organises a large group thing, she comes. But if I suggest coffee, or a drink, or coming round to mine, she either isn't free or she cries off at the last minute with a rather lame excuse. She IS genuinely very busy. She has a very demanding job, busy kids, a lovely but slightly unwordly academic husband which means she is always plate-spinning (as am I), so it's possible she just genuinely doesn't have any time, but I feel like she's avoiding spending any time with me. I popped round unannounced just before Christmas and she seemed genuinely pleased to see me, but I only had half an hour to spare and otherwise I haven't seen her on her own (and only twice in group situations) since last summer. I feel like she's just not that interested any more. If that's the case it would hurt lots but I'd still rather know.
I feel like a 7 year old getting upset because their best friend has gone off with someone else. But this is the person I have held in the highest esteem other than my own family for nearly 12 years. I don't want for company. I have lots of lovely friends. But it's this one in particular I want to spend time with, and I'm so confused by her behaviour. I know the advice will be to just ask her if I have done something that means she doesn't consider me a good friend any more, but I know her and she would deny anything rather than rock the boat. I feel she's just hoping she can gradually shake me off.
We had a vague but not definite plan to meet for coffee today, but she texted this morning with reasons why she couldn't. Fair enough. I have responded by saying 'no problem, let me know some dates you could do coffee or an evening drink'. I don't want to be the boring needy friend. But I'm honestly a bit baffled and my feelings are hurt.

The heart is a lovely hunter by Carson McCullers (sp?) is an interesting novel to read on this.

Bleak read, mind.

I think the key is "... I popped round unannounced just before Christmas and she seemed genuinely pleased to see me..." and "...I asked her if there was anything going on and she said there wasn't ..." and finally "...She's actually texted this morning, saying she's got loads on ..."

People are so busy, stressed out.

Just be there, find a way to keep in touch that works for you both, and that doesn't eat a lot of time. I don't know what that could be, go for a walk maybe, have tea at her house, etc.

Someone wrote "I've sent texts, WhatsApp messages, emails, FB messages and an actual letter with her birthday card. Nothing back for months and months." - I feel this could be written by someone I know, because I'm really bad att messaging and prefer voice to text these days.

You make some interesting points on a subject close to your heart springydaffs but I do get the impression you're projecting, a lot. It's making you a little bit unkind to the OP.

Agree that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter is a brilliant book

Hi OP, I really relate to your post at the moment, I'm a little down the line from you as in that I'm now No contact with my best friend of 17years AND also another very close friend of 8years.... I guess I was kind of "wendied" as never got told the actual reason for the change towards me. I asked but they both swore blind there wasn't a problem .....but acted Very differently!
I knew for months there was a problem and honestly IME ,trust your gut!

I don't regret going NC with my 2 friends but only because I felt I had no option (I can't apologise for something I never knew I did but if I had known I would have gone out of my way to put things right) but it certainly is like a grief! Its only been since august and it's actually painful.
I hope you don't get to the stage I'm at but you have tried several times & she knows you're there but maybe the next stage is to take a step back, see if she contacts you first? And well if she doesn't then that's shit but you can't run after her forever and IF there was a problem she clearly doesn't want to resolve it.

Springydaffs, I have read The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, albeit more than 20 years ago. I will re-visit.

I'm going to leave it there because I'm sure your intentions are good and you have actually accurately highlighted one or two things to me, but I also feel you're projecting and imagining me as similar to people you may have encountered. I never mentioned bereavement and how I do/would deal with anybody else's grief, but you have made a leap and started tarring me with the same brush as those who (I infer) gave you trite platitudes and tried the make the 'unseemly thing' go away when you were grieving. You do me a disservice there.

For anyone who's interested, thank you for your contributions. I texted my friend this morning because of a genuine childcare emergency. She couldn't help because she was at work but offered to come out of her meeting and talk my 11 year old DS through a route he needed to take in an unfamiliar part of the city by phone. (I couldn't as I teach and can't just walk out of lessons.) So I don't think I have done something to upset her. I think it's more likely she is horribly busy and possibly processing something she's not ready to share. This thread has helped me put that in perspective and I feel reassured I'm not losing her friendship.

It's very sad when this happens.

I would back off. Leave her be. Which means you might have to accept she may never want to see you again.

And if she does she may never want to talk about why she'd been so distant.

I wouldn't bother her anymore for now.

Sorry my previous post was way too late, I've just caught up, and I'm speechless at that email. I would have to accept that it's going to a long time for a friendship to recover from this, if at all, I'm sorry that you've lost a friendship that you have invested so much time in.

Your scars wouldn't put most people off anything, I think she's jealous of any attention she thinks you may be getting, when nobody was bothered apart from her?

Sorry wrong thread.

Maybe you'll read my comments at a later date and see what I HAVE said. Not what you think I've said.

Yes it hit a nerve - I think I made that clear throughout when I said I'd avoid someone like you like the plague. Apologies for being unkind - definitely not my intention, even though I've had something strong to say.

I agree her 'genuinely pleased to see you' is very heartening. As baffling and hurtful as the current situation is, I think you can gain comfort from that.

Bows out for good you'll be glad to hear xx

Getting one last blow in, springydaffs?

One main theme (simplified) of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter is that the central character, Singer, has others project onto him, and offload, and use him as a blank canvas, and never really know him. As a mute, he cannot communicate easily.

So it's about how people project. As you have projected your issues onto the OP.

Woh! Where did that come from??

springy you've been very harsh with the OP. I'm sure your assessment of the toxic non-friends you've suffered is spot on and you're right to remove them from your life. But saying things like 'I'd avoid someone like you like the plague' to the OP is highly critical and not helpful. You're projecting your experiences onto the OP here.

I wasn't going to come back to this thread, but really it's not worth people having disagreements over! Thank you Atrocious for your support. And thank you Springy for your various comments. I want to clarify.
You've misunderstood me; I do not consider myself and my friend of any 'special standing' and I certainly do not despise others who are able to convey and share their emotions more readily than I am. In fact I admire them. I don't despise anyone (except Farage, Trump etc). I don't think that feeling sad about the apparent loss of a close friendship is silly; what I thought might be silly was posting about it, since it is just one of those things that happen in life. And actually I've decided that wasn't silly, as I've had lots of helpful and kind responses that have allowed me to gain some perspective. It doesn't really matter if you misunderstand me, as you don't know me and I don't know you, and one of the things I am getting better at is not caring so much when people dislike me, but please don't make my thread the cause of any additional animosity!

Ha! You're right OP. Sorry if I was a bit heavy handed springydaffs. I felt like you'd given the OP a hard time for your own reasons, but you were trying to communicate an alternative viewpoint I guess, and that can be helpful.

Just for the record, I don't consider the people I have described as toxic - Or even non-friends. People mean well. What i am describing is not (usually) conscious.

The Singer character perfectly illustrates the point I am making in that the author rendered him dumb: unable to speak. Because he wouldn't /couldn't speak [out his pain] others spoke out his pain for him by speaking out their own pain. I don't think the end of his life was bcs others dumped their pain on him so much as he wouldn't /couldn't speak out his own pain.

NOT that I'm suggesting you would do likewise Biscuit!! (tries not to give away story's end). The Singer character was clearly a device the author used to make a point. Perhaps the jury's out, split down the middle, on what point she was making - probably depending on the perspective of the reader...

All friends then? I hope so

I hope things are resolved with your friend, Biscuit. As I've already said, friendship splits can be one of THE most painful things to face imo.

Definitely friends! Any fellow Carson McCullers fangirl is good with me

Biscuits I hope things are resolved with your friend too. Sometimes giving someone space is the kindest thing, and it means it'll be much easier for her to find her way back to you.

All friends, no worries.

There has definitely been no falling out with my friend. She is responding to text messages regarding practical matters in a perfectly normal and friendly way. It's just that she is avoiding me and I don't know why. I am giving her space and will leave it to her to suggest whether and when we might meet up. Thanks for the good wishes.