Sad about a friendship that seems to be slipping away

[Biscuitsneeded]

I feel very silly posting this but I have realised it is eating away at me. I'm nearly 45, for goodness' sake. I make friends easily, have loads of people who class me as a good friend and have a busy social life. I've lived in my current city for 12 years - I moved here when pregnant with DC1 and met a woman at a postnatal group who I really clicked with. She's bright, funny, shrewd, shares my values and world view, and is someone I have really treasured over the years. She and I, despite being very gregarious and sociable, are both the kind of people to whom others pour out their troubles but are actually quite reserved about telling our own - except to each other. She is the only person other than DP (and a nurse when I miscarried) who has ever seen me cry as an adult, and I also know when she is pretending all's well and have been able to worm things out of her in the past when other people wouldn't have noticed anything was wrong. I have loved my tactful, thoughtful,discreet and wise friend.
But for about 6 months now I have the distinct impression she doesn't want to spend time with me. If a mutual friend organises a large group thing, she comes. But if I suggest coffee, or a drink, or coming round to mine, she either isn't free or she cries off at the last minute with a rather lame excuse. She IS genuinely very busy. She has a very demanding job, busy kids, a lovely but slightly unwordly academic husband which means she is always plate-spinning (as am I), so it's possible she just genuinely doesn't have any time, but I feel like she's avoiding spending any time with me. I popped round unannounced just before Christmas and she seemed genuinely pleased to see me, but I only had half an hour to spare and otherwise I haven't seen her on her own (and only twice in group situations) since last summer. I feel like she's just not that interested any more. If that's the case it would hurt lots but I'd still rather know.
I feel like a 7 year old getting upset because their best friend has gone off with someone else. But this is the person I have held in the highest esteem other than my own family for nearly 12 years. I don't want for company. I have lots of lovely friends. But it's this one in particular I want to spend time with, and I'm so confused by her behaviour. I know the advice will be to just ask her if I have done something that means she doesn't consider me a good friend any more, but I know her and she would deny anything rather than rock the boat. I feel she's just hoping she can gradually shake me off.
We had a vague but not definite plan to meet for coffee today, but she texted this morning with reasons why she couldn't. Fair enough. I have responded by saying 'no problem, let me know some dates you could do coffee or an evening drink'. I don't want to be the boring needy friend. But I'm honestly a bit baffled and my feelings are hurt.

Biscuits, I meant to respond particularly to you. I am at the moment the friend who has been ducking my closest friend for several months. I am every bit as much her friend as ever, and her friendship is important to me, but I am both absolutely snowed under in my work and personal life, compounded with not enough childcare, a newly complex commute, and DH on the other side of the world for work for almost half of every month at the moment. I'm frustrated and not particularly happy, and considering whether I should be quitting my job in the almost certainty of not getting another, and DH and I are having to think seriously about our work futures and where we move next, as our reason for living here no longer pertains, but we don't want to disrupt our son unecessarily.

As we live quite far apart, our relationship is pretty much conducted on the phone after children's bedtimes, and at the moment, I am too tired to have an hour-long conversation between 9 and 10 when I am solo, trying to finish off work for the next day, do laundry, make lunch for my four year old etc etc, because I've only got in at 6 and need to spend some time with DS before bed, so I can't do these things earlier..

I also have things going on that I am not ready to talk about. She is giving me space, and I appreciate it. I think about her often, and I'm pretty sure the friendship can take temporary absences like this.

Which is a lengthy way of saying, don't assume this is the kiss of death.

CubanHeels, that sounds tough. . And thank you for giving me another perspective. You're right that a good friendship will weather and allow for periods where one person just can't be very present. Does your friend know the reason why she isn't seeing you/hearing from you much currently (just so that she's not worrying)?
I hope things improve for you. I know that feeling of there never being enough time for everyone who needs you. In some ways it's the curse of modern living. I will do as you suggest and bide my time without assuming my lovely friend is no longer interested.

Thanks, Biscuit, I'm actually fine. I just deal with things very internally up until a certain point,and don't generally find venting helpful. No, I haven't ever said so explicitly to her, but you're right, I probably should. (Unfortunately, that just feels like another task at the moment, which is unfair to my friend, I realise.)

I can't bear over-sharers

Then you can't bear the people who confide in you. This is the crux of why is avoid you like the plague.

I'm not suggesting you winkle peoples deepest to get kicks. But I am saying you have a part to play in the dynamic you seem to find baffling. Ie that people ' naturally ' gravitate to you to tell their deepest. You are playing a part in that on some level.

You are also contorted with embarrassment that you are suffering as a result of a seemingly lost friendship. This is basic emotional landscape, regardless of age. To think you should have gravitated beyond that bcs you are older is missing, not understanding, key emotional makeup.

You are however perceptive and therefore probably have deep insight. But you instinctively withhold yourself. This is essentially not safe within relating, not safe for the other person.

British - pah. Yes that holds considerable sway but it's not all of it. It could be at root you despise what you consider weakness.

Tough, yes. It may be causing problems for your friend, who may be more integrated.

Springy have you ever tried cutting someone off who clearly desperately wants to unload? 'Don't tell me about how your Holocaust survivor mother made your childhood a misery'? 'Don't tell me about your eating disorder'? 'Don't tell me that your parents keeping banging on about arranging your marriage'?

Springydaffs, you have me wrong. I avoid over-sharers, I can see them coming, am embarrassed for them and I don't want to know. But the people who confide in me are my good friends. Of course I feel very differently about them! And I'm not baffled by that dynamic; I know it's because I'm gregarious without needing to be the centre of attention, and I don't repeat things, which makes me someone people feel safe opening up to. I'm only baffled by why my closest friend has become so evasive, but lots of kind people on this thread have given me food for thought about that. Are you suggesting that on some level I need to feel needed by other people for my own self-worth? There may be an element of truth in that, but surely most people want to feel that they have touched other lives in a positive way, otherwise what's it all for?

Gosh I've just read the second part of your post, SpringyDaffs. I'm not sure I understand.

But whatever I feel, I'm not 'contorted with embarrassment'.

Biscuits, my best friend is going through an awful time. At the moment she can't see the way forward; I only know part of the shit she's having to deal with and try as I might , I can't take the hurt away for her.

I know that at some point, maybe years from now, she'll be able to say 'out loud' what's been going but for the moment, she's got me at arms length. Every now and then I send her text just saying "Thinking of you today" and a smiley face, (I hope the face implies I don't want anything from her, but just that I am thinking of her); and occasionally I see a slogan or a photo or just something that I know we used to laugh about together and I'll message or email it to her. She knows (I hope) that I'm here for her, that I have no agenda and that the timing is hers.

Maybe you could send your friend a message to let her know you're thinking of her, but that's all - make no 'demands' of her time. Wait and see what happens in a month or so. Sometimes, we just need some space and maybe that's where she is in her life.

I'm slowly trying to extract myself from a friendship with what sounds like a very similar dynamic. It's really not healthy.

Your talk of worming information out of her and if only you could get her on her own, reminds me so much of my friend, very uncomfortable.

I started to feel like I'm some kind of psychology/counselling experiment for her.

I've met up in the past, just the two of us, when there's been absolutely nothing really wrong with me, but god forbid I'm slightly distracted, or even have something on my mind that I clearly don't want to talk about. By the time she's done with her routine of "you're not your usual self, is everything ok" and then quizzing me about every issue I've ever confided about in the past (her way of "worming" my problems out of me) I'm exhausted and start to feel like there is something wrong with me.

I've tried telling her straight (though I admit I'm not very assertive) that I don't want to talk about something but she's like a dog with a bone and does the whole "you know you can confide in me, we've always been able to tell each other everything".

Now I only see her when there are going to be other people around. She's too much. I think her side of the story might be similar to yours.

OK CanarySong, I see your point. That does sound very uncomfortable. I really don't think I'm like that but I get the message loud and clear to back off. I will leave the ball in her court.

The 'worming it out of her' was an unfortunate expression. All I mean is that on one or two occasions I was able to tell that all was not well, and the full story came out later, after a bit of ground-laying in case she actually did need a friend. Empathy, relating etc. Not the Spanish Inquisition. I would never do that.
This thread has been very helpful for the most part and also a bit upsetting. A few people diagnosing me from a distance which I think is unfair.

Some friendships are worth fighting for and this sounds like one of them.
Try texting her 'I'm missing our coffee and chats, are you OK? '

If you haven't done anything that may have offended her, don't take her behaviour personally but she could have so much on her plate, and bear in mind that the easiest one to neglect is the most understanding one.

Meanwhile, concentrate on others who contribute to your happiness and be there for her if she needs you x

OP, you sound lovely.

Just let your friend know you are always there for her.

Good friendships do wax and wane, the thing is you have to know that if she doesn't come back, and I think she will btw, it isn't because you've closed the door. Focus on other friendships for now, let her gently know you're there for her, and don't overthink this. Just accept that what will be will be.

People don't routinely offload to me.

What I'm saying is you're both, Cuban and Biscuit, calling that in on some level. It's not bcs you're seen as wise and dependable. It's more a kind of mirror of your own stuff, which you are not expressing or sharing.

Ime of people who are like this (largely unwittingly it has to be said) I feel extremely unsafe around them. In a strange twist they despise the very vulnerability in me they refuse to see in themselves. It's a kind of denial.

I keep well away from friends like this when I'm really going through something. I can't afford to be vulnerable around them when I am feeling so wobbly - bcs they can be breathtakingly cavalier and tactless under the guiseof 'helping me' - almost trying to put the unseemly thing out of sight. I suppose the bottom line is that it's patronising - patching simeone up bcs they can't bear, despise, what they see as weakness. When what they can't abide is their own weakness which they've put behind a wall that even they can't see.

You say op only two people have seen you cry as an adult. Yet countless people are confiding in you. Something's knocking at your door there girl.

Anyway, I think I've made my point. Your friend may not be like you op, that what I'm trying to say.

I'm sorry that it's not the point of the thread but joyless anti-dementor really made me laugh. Hope you're okay op.

I've let a close friendship go in the past couple of years. I had come to realise that actually we don't have all that much in common and there are other people I'd prefer to spend time with. These things happen but of course yanbu to feel sad about it.

But, seriously, do try and stop agonising and over-analysing it. It isn't good for you! These things happen - look at all the examples on this thread. Go out for a lovely lunch with one of your other friends and remind yourself what it is like to have a proper laugh about something!

When I feel crap (mental health issues though nothing public if you know what I mean) I hermit a bit, and that means I void meeting up with people who want a proper conversation (sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing it). So I might be fine to have a coffee with a group of people, but meeting a friend whom I love, whom I might have to have an honest conversation with? Can't do it.

It's very counter-productive, but that's how it is. Maybe it's like that for her too. I have a very close friend with whom I've argued on this very point, and now I send her a message saying 'I'm feeling crap can't talk but I love you' and she says 'thanks for letting me know' and leaves me to it.

A few people diagnosing me from a distance which I think is unfair.

Happens a lot on forums.

Pick the good stuff out of the thread, the stuff that seems accurate or sensible or resonates (even if it resonates in an uncomfortable way, sometimes that's because it's hitting a raw spot). Ignore the rest.

OK Springydaffs, I'm going to take what you say on the chin and assume that your intention is to offer insight and illumination, and not simply to kick me when I'm down. I still don't see myself as patronising, or cavalier. I can assure you that the nature of the confidences I have received over time was not such that I could pat shaking hands and offer cups of tea. I'm not going to cite examples, because they were confidences and I respect that, but suffice to say they were of a gravity which meant there was nothing practical or helpful I could possibly have done besides listen. Where you are very possibly right is where you say there may be something I need to confront about the fact that nobody ever sees me cry. I was brought up to hide/negate/deny anything bad and although I am aware of that trait I find it difficult to move beyond that. However, that's what I so value in my friend - she is the same because of similar childhood experiences; we have talked about it and yet have been brave enough to show each other our vulnerabilities. So I miss the one person who understands. But I promise you I am not going around trying to soak up other people's misery for kicks. Thank you for your input though - I mean that genuinely.
And thanks to all other posters. I will take SeaEagle's advice and pick the good stuff out of the thread.

I definitely withdraw from closer friends at certain times but can handle lesser friends. Also I chat and meet up less in winter. I still love my close friends just as much though. Do you send each other pics ever, jokes, rl pics, products etc? Very light hearted way to start a chat with no 'needs' of meeting or in depth convoy needed.

Well my ex friend did similar and I tortured myself wondering what I'd said/done for years.

Turned out she was having an affair then going through a divorce. I think she would have felt uncomfortable discussing her affair with me, as I knew her dh fairly well.

Sometimes it's actually nothing to do with you or what you've said or done is my point so try not to torture yourself wondering. I would just leave it now and see if she contacts you to meet up.

No of course I'm not kicking you when you're down. Absolutely not my intention at all in any way.

However, from your last post you have crucially misinterpreted what I'm saying. I think I've covered all bases in my pp's but the 'tactless, cavalier' comments /approach can be likened to eg some of the things ppl say to the bereaved. It is a good example of the off-beam approach from those who haven't experienced the same (and probably why ppl instinctively recoil from eg the bereaved if they have not been bereaved themselves). However, in general ppl mean well imo but get it wrong.

Listen to Cuban. She explains very well how this may not be (and probably isn't) about you. Your friend is probably horrifically busy - it's hard to understand how people can have no time at all unless you've been there yourself. And/or she may have something going on which is too complex/difficult/time consuming to go into right now but she fully intends to share with you in future. Really, only time will tell. If 3 years go by and she's still avoiding meeting up then you may be being ditched but
6 months could easily be a patch where she genuinely can't find the time.

If she seemed genuinely pleased to see you when you popped by then that says a lot. Relax.

The very fact you don't understand what I am saying points to a misunderstanding of basic, therefore complex, emotional landscapes. Probably bcs you haven't, or refuse to, visit them. Thats all well and good of itself but not when ppl routinely offload their deepest to you. You are not safe ground for them - not bcs you are consciously or purposefully unsafe but bcs you refuse, by your own admission, to visit beyond the main highway. It follows that ' tactless /cavalier ' comments /approach happen by default not design.

Anyway, horse truly flogged here. I am not saying you are bad, useless etc. It is VERY painful to lose a friend and you have my full support and commiseration... if that was the sum total of your op - but your distaste for the premise of your distress (which you seem to consider childish) and your assertion that you rarely confide in others - despite others routinely confiding in you; except your especial friend whom you consider of the same standing as you - was too much of a red rag for me.