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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

35 weeks and partner bringing friends round to drink.

40 replies

user1484383294 · 14/01/2017 09:00

Hi,

So I literally only just joined mumsnet to rant about this because I don't want to tell my family because they'll hold it against my partner.
Basically it was my partner's birthday yesterday and he went out drinking at 5.30pm and to see a local band with friends. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and struggling but I made an effort and met him in the town at 8pm. It was already obvious that he was drinking a lot more and a lot faster than all of his friends. I left at 10 and he said 'I presume you don't want anybody coming back to ours?' and I said obviously not.
He'd already invited one of his friends to stay the night at ours which I wasn't happy about but seeing as it was his birthday, I didn't want to be the pregnant hormonal bitch.
I got home and made sure everywhere was tidy and did the washing up and then got into bed at 12. At 1 I got woken up by the door going and people coming in. My partner came in and said that 2 of the guys he was out with have struggled to get a taxi so he said they could come back here whilst they tried to get hold of one.
I managed to get back to sleep but can't have been asleep for more than 20 minutes when he came back in and asked if they could stay the night. He ended up coming back in to ask more things at least another 2 times before I told him that if he opened the door again I was going to cry.
I couldn't get back to sleep after this as they was playing music and I had heartburn that was radiating through me so I got up and went to sit in the living room with them. It was 2am at this point.
I have no problem with his friends but my partner was so drunk that he was struggling to keep his eyes open and his friends said to me 'Thanks for letting us come back, we're going to call a cab soon' so they hadn't even tried to call a cab and that was just bullshit. Already so angry but not saying anything infront of his friends. The two that came back left around 3.30am and then I stayed up until around 4.
I've just been woken up again at 8.30 and my partner is still drinking, still not in bed, still playing music. Today he's taking my uncle out to the football and he's meant to be meeting him at 12 and he's a complete wreck. I had to have an argument with him to get him to get into bed whilst his other friend just laughed.
I don't know if I'm over reacting but being this far gone and having him act like a child has pissed me off. I don't know if I'm expecting too much but I really tried to keep my cool throughout the whole of last night and now I'm exhausted. What would you guys do? Do I have the right to be angry?

OP posts:

Sassypants82 · 14/01/2017 09:21

I would not be happy about that either. I wouldn't mind the drinking but wouldn't be happy with people coming back & especially continuing to drink when he made plans with your uncle. I'm 29wka pregnant too, so sympathise.

wannabestressfree · 14/01/2017 09:23

I would be angry too that he obviously isn't going to meet your uncle for football. He needs to cancel.

Lessthanaballpark · 14/01/2017 09:26

Of course YANBU. He has a heavily pregnant wife and he's acting like a teenager.

Actually not even teenagers act like that.

category12 · 14/01/2017 09:31

If it's a one-off and not the norm, then I would just let it go. I would try and make him go to the football thing tho and not let him sleep. If he often does this sort of thing, it would be different.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2017 09:33

I think you have every right to be angry. You've been put upon by your partner and his friends. These people are not friends of yours.

This is what life is like with a manchild. Is this man really going to step up when you become a mother?. Probably not. His actions show an uncaring and disrespectful attitude towards you.

ChuckSnowballs · 14/01/2017 09:34

What I would have done at 1am, is call a cab for them all.

jojo2916 · 14/01/2017 09:39

I don't really see the problem if it's occasional ie birthdays etc you can't just expect him to get his pipe and slippers out . If it happens all the time then yanbu at all however I assume he liked to party when you met him , getting woken up a couple of times is annoying but if it's occasional just on birthdays etc I wouldn't worry. It's his house too so should be able to have friends over sometimes

BlueberryGateaux · 14/01/2017 09:39

Still drinking at 8.30 is this a one off or does he have issues with alcohol? BTW yanbu.

GreenGoblin0 · 14/01/2017 09:40

going to go against the grain... think you're over reacting a bit. if you had a newborn yes fair enough but this might be his last night out for a while and it was his birthday. dont get why them coming back is really an issue it's not like he was having a big party. would make him get up and take uncle out though.

GreenGoblin0 · 14/01/2017 09:40

sorry missed the bit about still drinking as 830!!! yanbu!!

operaha · 14/01/2017 09:44

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks to still be drinking at 8.30am is a huge issue? That makes me bet my arse this isn't a one off. Who does that?!! Me and my other half love a drink, have mates over occasionally if the kids aren't here, might stay up past midnight. But together. I'm not pregnant. And never ever ever carrying on the next day, that is completely fucked up.

How old is he???

Graphista · 14/01/2017 09:47

Yanbu I'd be furious! I around 35 weeks at Christmas when pregnancy with my dd and for all my ex's faults he had a sober Christmas that year in case there was any emergencies with the pregnancy.

Agree you need to consider if this is a regular thing, does he have a problem with alcohol, is he reliable, will he step up when baby born?

Frankly it sounds like yes yes no and no! Which doesn't bode well. He better not be driving today!

Graphista · 14/01/2017 09:48

*i was around 35 weeks when pregnant with my dd

I've no idea how that all got corrected to nonsense

Original poster

user1484383294 · 14/01/2017 09:49

He was a drinker when I met him 5 years ago and now he doesn't go out as much but when he does go out, he doesn't know when to stop. Last time he went out was a month ago during the day and I got a phone call at 6pm from bar staff to say could I come and get him because he couldn't even walk. I had to get him in the house and into bed, whilst he puked over me, get him in the recovery position and set up the baby monitor on him before our son saw so I could make sure he didn't choke.
I try to understand that soon we're going to have a newborn and he's not going to be able to go out as much but I just don't know why men get to shroud all responsibility and give women more?
I don't think I'd be as angry if he wasn't meant to be going out with my family today. My uncle isn't welcomed by my family, despite being lovely, and I really wanted him to make an effort with him. Worried he's going to feel completely unwanted instead.

OP posts:

RubyGoat · 14/01/2017 09:54

Birthday drinks is one thing. But to still have been drinking at 8.30, waking you up several times, he'll not be fot to take your uncle out later... I'd be absolutely livid. When you're 35 weeks pregnant he needs to be available always. If not fully sober he needs at least to to have incapacitated himself for (very likely) the rest of the weekend - he'll likely continue drinking for some part of today, how long will it take for the hangover to wear off? Selfish arsehole. I'd go out & leave him to it. Come back when he's hungover, don't offer any sympathy or drinks, he clears up after himself if he's sick (& I'd bang a few doors & put some music on too, see how he likes it).

RubyGoat · 14/01/2017 09:58

Can you do something nice with your uncle & son instead? Leave your DH to cope on his own. I'm staggered that he'd behave like that not only with you heavily pg, but a child already in the house. Deeply unattractive, your son doesn't need to see his dad like that.

operaha · 14/01/2017 10:02

I just think it's ridiculous and now read about the month ago incident.

It is not normal to drink to those levels. Why isn't going for dinner and a few drinks enough for a birthday?! It's just a fucking birthday and you are pregnant!! Almost due pregnant!! I'm so mad on your behalf.

hippyhippyshake · 14/01/2017 10:05

If this was a one off I would have ignored last night, put headphones on and stayed under the covers and let them get on with it. He will obviously have to clear up after himself. It's unfortunate about your uncle but he needs to apologise and make amends not you. But as this is an ongoing thing there needs to be rules in place with a baby in the house! The main one being he is absolutely not allowed in the house drunk. Don't even think about going to get him and looking after him. Have rules that he can sleep in the car/shed/garage and clean up his own sick etc. Realistically as a parent, getting wasted isn't an option but he sounds like he won't be prepared for that any time soon. Good luck with this idiot

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2017 10:38

user

He still is a drinker and it will cause you (and in turn your child) a lot of problems going forward as well. If he does not know when to stop and his drinking is affecting you then you are in a relationship with an alcoholic.

BlueberryGateaux · 14/01/2017 10:44

Bloody hell, he's a serious binge drinker

GizmoFrisby · 14/01/2017 10:48

If he's still drinking at 8.30 and was already drunk at 8pm there will be drugs involved. Nobody can drink all night and not be in a sick state. I'd be questioning your dp if I was you.

Graphista · 14/01/2017 10:54

As I thought then. Not surprised your family don't like him (I'm assuming uncle not liked was a typo).

There was a heavily pregnant woman and a - I'm guessing - young child in the house and he brings a load of drunk mates back to drink all night and be lairy as if he's some bloody student with no responsibilities! Like fuck would I
Be accepting that

Original poster

user1484383294 · 14/01/2017 11:48

He's woken up and gone out. Called me names for being angry with him and saying I didn't want to talk to him and cancelled our plans for tonight as punishment to me for apparently being a dick.
I can't cope with this.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/01/2017 11:50

He has a serious problem with alcohol, doesn't he? That must cost you a fortune, never mind anything else.

Do you think it would be better to separate so that you have some control of a) who's in your house - last night would've driven me mad and b) your money. How can you ever know how much you have to spend if he's drinking like that?

LostSight · 14/01/2017 12:01

You shouldn't have to cope with this. He's putting his own life at risk and as your children grow, he will be teaching them that treating your wife and family that way is acceptable behaviour.

My husband was like this. After far too long, I insisted that if he went out drinking, he had to arrange alternative accommodation for the night. Far from ideal, because the risk of him killing himself was still there.

If he is unwilling to discuss it rationally and take steps to minimise the impact on you, I would consider whether it is bad enough to consider leaving. If I could go back and have my time again, I should have taken action much earlier, because for me, it was genuinely very distressing. I know other people who seem unbothered by this type of behaviour, and that's fine. But you sound very upset, therefore it isn't fine.

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy, and I hope you can stay strong when you discuss this with your husband. Put yourself first. He obviously isn't.

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