Medium Chill

[ByronBaby]

My H, from whom I am separated, I am sure is doing the medium chill thing on me. I try to have conversations with him about trickier stuff and i get these bland responses, like 'oh that's a shame' and 'oh, that's too bad'. It is aggravating because we then don't get the chance to resolve stuff and I end up taking on a greater burden. For example, he has not ben at all forthcoming about chipping in for the kids' hobbies, such as paying for their music lessons or our daughter's gym. When I raise this, he just gives me a medium chill type answer and does nothing. Next week, the kids need transporting 60 kms every morning and then back again for their swimming lessons - again a medium chill answer and he does nothing, leaving it all to me, along with all the petrol costs of course. I want to split the responsibility. Occasionally the mask slips and he spits out some vitriol, so I know that this isn't his actual demeanour. So I guess, my question is, how can I counter this medium chill farce?

Call him straight up. e.g. DD2 has swimming lessons tomorrow, will you pay her teacher or shall I add it to next months maintenance?

Tell him to choose what days he's going to drive them to swimming. I'm not sure of the legalities of funding kids activities though so you could tell him straight that unless he contributes then the kids will have to drop their sports and he will have to explain to them why they can no longer do it.

Errm - well he pays no maintenance, so I don't have that over him. I just want to him to split the responsibility and the payments for the activities. I don't want the kids to give up their activities and he knows this is important to me and so I imagine this is why I end up with all the costs and the responsibility. I doubt he will care if the kids end up giving up their hobbies. The medium chill approach he takes to this is soo aggravating, especially as I am convinced it is all contrived and I don't think I am being especially unreasonable, just trying to ensure some equity.

If he doesn't pay any child support, you are obviously going to be shit out of luck about him helping practically and financially with this, cos he's one of those. If you are not getting child support because you're trying to do it privately, I would just stop that and go through the cms etc. It's no point trying to beat him psychologically, because you care and he doesn't give a fuck.

I don't live in the U.K.and things are a little different here.

OK, but I don't see why you're expecting to get him to help you with these things, if he's not paying towards the dc's upkeep willingly already? Any decent parent would support their dc. And if you're well enough off not to need financial help from him, then why put yourself in the position of asking him for anything?

Well I am expecting him to help because he is their father and I I have to go to work too and a week long commitment of a 120 km round trip every day is difficult for me. I am not well off but I know that the system here will not favour me and he will not be expected to pay me any maintenance. Chasing this is pissing in the wind. In any case, I was not asking for advice on getting money off him, but rather how to deal with the annoying medium chill thing he does, where he won't commit to stuff and makes it my problem.. really this is the relationships board, he only left a few months ago after a 25 year relationship and I am still really raw and trying my best to cope. I can do without the tone. This is supposed to be a place of support.

ByronBaby, I really feel for you. I've had absolute minimum maintenance off my ex for two DC. Both did a range of clubs growing up. Of course the ex was proud of their achievements. Did he effing pay? No. At one point I managed to get him to agree to pay for the second instrument for both - i was paying for the first. When the CSA tracked him down and got a measly sum off him he stopped paying for the music lessons, saying he was paying maintenance. Then he stopped the maintenance again. No logic or appealing to his sense of decency could get him to toe the line.

How old are your kids? Could you start getting them to ask him directly to pay for stuff? E.g. you say no I can't pay for another club if they want to start something else up and for them to ask their dad. He might well say no to them but at least you're paying for the clubs they already do and he's the one that's going to look the bad guy. I know it's so hard as you don't want to curb their enthusiasm for trying things out. What an utter knob-end of a man. Also, could they say to him mum has said she can't drive us, can you? It'll be harder for him to say no to them than you. This last tactic is hard but I've found the older the kids get it works. You can't take on everything even though I felt terrible guilt doing this to start with.

How old are the kids?

I don't think anyone is trying to be hostile with you, they're just asking for information and saying what, in their experience, is realistic

I think the issue is the money as he doesn't want to do any of these things. You have told him repeatedly about these things and he's patronising you with his responses hoping you will get bored and stop asking things of him.
He doesn't care that this is all causing you hassle with driving and the money and clearly telling him over and over doesn't make a difference. He might even enjoy watching you suffer with it all.

I do think you need to do one of 2 things, either is your choice

1. Cut him out of all these things. He's shown no interest and is fully aware of them. Accept he's not going to have a personality transplant and show him you don't fucking need him anyway

1. Serve him with an emailed or written list of his responsibility for his kids and a rota for his 'turns' and where to make payments for things. Stop trying to persuade him to listen to you and be very direct. Be ready for him to throw the list at you and do none of it

It's like asking a tree to become a car. If he's a crap dad and a crap partner he isn't going to suddenly change into a great one. He's a dick and you might have to face putting your energy into not needing the annoying bastard anyway

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you - I phrased it poorly. But you see, I think you might be better off accepting that although he OUGHT to help with the dc's hobbies and supporting them, he clearly isn't interested in doing so and you won't be able to make him, because he cares less than you do. You can't make him care or do the right thing.

It might be that you could in some way get him to do things if his ego were involved in the success of the children or if perhaps it made him look bad publicly not to, if his public image is important to him, without obviously being behind it. but you have little recourse with him blanking you, because you want something from him, and he doesn't give a stuff.

BumDNC's 2 options make sense to me.

I don't know what 'medium chill' means but from what you say, it sounds as though you are having trouble with the division of responsibilities now that you are separated.
Is your separation a staging post on the way to splitting permanently or is it a breather and you might get back together ?
If the former then I think you need to reach a formal financial and care agreement which sets out who does what on which days etc.
If the latter then it's more tricky and I guess the question is more about what you're looking for from him before you get back together. You say he left you; but in your part is lack of effort with the kids a factor ?