Sorry My Problems Again!!

[Twinkie]

Sorry to rant again and I know some of you are going to think me selfish but I don't want to have to be the grown up anymore!!

I have to tell my sister that I am pregnant soon - have avoided seeing her but she will know as soon as she sees me - thing is I know she will take it badly (she lost a baby at 24 weeks last year) but I just don't want to feel like I know she is going to try and make me feel - bad, guilty, spoilt!!

I know what she went though was awful - I held her hand though it (physically held her hand) and ended up in therapy what with the divorce and custody stuff that was going on - I just ploughed through and had to hold her up too and it was just too much - I had a mini breakdown and was on sleeping pills and having therapy and after a while it was easier but life isn't perfect still and I am sick of having to cope and think about her!!

All our life she has been treated better by our father - his excuse when it finally came to ahead - beacuae I am cleverer, prettier, more articulate, find it easier to make friends etc etc etc - in short he felt like she needed him more, I don't agree with this - lots of things that have happened to her are her own fault, drugs, drink, walking out on her child and reappearing 10 years later and then blaming everyone but herself as to why her daughter wants nothing to do with her the list goes on and on and I know life wasn't easy for either of us but I am pissed off with being the one that has to cope.

We told an uncle that I was pregnant at the weekend and his first response - rather than congraulations was 'Well, does your sister know?' - like I have commited the mortal sin that she will I now think I have, and I know she will have to punsih me for this - and I know that I am selfish in expecting not to have to deal with how she feels but I am well and truely pissed off with having to deal with how she feels, well how everyone feels ahead of how I feel - even when we were going to court I could never speak about the custody case as she would start on well you at least get to see your daughter (3 year old daughter) at weekends, I don't see mine and haven;t for x amount of time - the difference being that I was physically thrown out of our house and had to fight from the minute he threw me out to see and get custody of my daughter - she left without a by or leave when hers was not even a year and didn't try and get any contact until 10 years later - but she has rewritten history to make it seem as though she was the hard done by one - what she fails to remember is that we were all there supporting her x partner when he was going through the shock of suddenly haveing to look after a child and work to pay the mortgage and carry on with life when his whole world had just fallen apart!!

God am I being evil about all this?? Should I try and be more charitable - I just want to be able to feel what I actually do for once without having to cope!! DP is fuming he sees how she makes me feel as does one of my friends and both of them say that if she starts on about how cushy my life is they are going to tell her some home truths - god I don;t know I feel like half of me is being a complete bitch and half of me has a right to feel like this!!

When she lost the baby my cousin was also pregnant and everyone was worried how my sister would make her feel - ooohhh hope it doesn;t effect the baby etc.. with me its a different story - just have to get on with it and I don't want to but I don;t want to loose any more of my family over this and I know if I say how I feel or even dream of putting her right i will!!

soo sorry twinkie, i dont really no what to say but you have gone through a really tough time too, you shouldt have to worry about telling youre sister your pg but i undersatnd why she would be upset i.e she will be jelous and angry but dont worry its not your fault stay stong hugs nikii xxxxxxxxxx

and no way are you selfish xxxxxxxxxxx

I don't think you are being selfish. And I do think that you are being very grownup too. You have recognised that your feelings and emotions and opinions matter. Yes of course they do! It's terribly difficult to accept that, if all your life you have been treated as if they don't matter.

It's YOUR life, YOUR pregnancy, YOUR hard work. It's none of her business, and if she has a problem with it then it's HER problem, not yours. It's easy to say, I know, and I don't mean to be trite. One of the hardest lessons I ever learned was to turn my back when someone tried to make their problem mine. I don't think I've really learned it (just that I've got to learn it) because I don't know what to suggest to you. Other than to remember that you are a wonderful woman, you have been very strong and can continue to be. Sometimes you have to decide that you are going to be selfish and everyone else can just go and take a jump. If they don't like they will have to deal with it themselves. It's not your problem.

Tell her on the phone. That way you don't have to see her face and she'll have time to come to terms with it without you physically being there looking pregnant.

Try not to worry too much. You can't control how she is going to behave so try not let it concern you too much, she'll get over it in time.

firstly congratulations twinkie. Your sister will probably take it hard but at the same time, you can't NOT tell her can you? What she went through must have been awful. I have lost 3 babies, but not at such a late stage as your sister. My sister got pregnant when I had just lost one, and dreaded telling me. Yes, it hurt, I can't say it didn't. And it did make me think of what I had lost. But I was still happy for her even though it hurt like mad and I did the 'why can't that be me??' thing. She will get there though and even if she does take it badly, she will probably come round to it. You never know...she might be fine with it. All I can say is that time does heal, and the love she has for you as a sister who helped her through her darkest days will hopefully mean she can be happy for you. Good luck twinkie x x

I agree with what other people have said. She can't expect you to never want any more children in case it upsets her. If you carry on treating her with sensitivity she ought to put her own pain on one side and congratulate you. Surely it's better that she has nieces and nephews than nothing at all. With any luck she will be fine about it. If she's upset, I know you will understand, but if she gets nasty that is different. If so I would remind her that it was you who held her hand and was there for her every minute so can she please try to be glad for you. I agree also that it would be good to phone her first and say, 'There's something you need to know now, since I don't want to upset you when we meet...'

If she can't handle it after you have treated her so sensitively then there is nothing more you can do.

You worry about alienating you family, but you haven't done anything wrong. If they turn from you you can't make them different. As prettycandles says - THEIR problem and their loss. You've done all you can, the ball is in their court. Don't beat yourself up about things you can't change.

Thanks all. I think I will phone her and tell her before I have to see her afterall. XXX

good luck...let us know how thing go x x

she most probably will be upset but you do have to tell her, what happened to your sister was awful and she is bound to still be cut up about it. Sorry it has affected you so much aswell.

On the drinks and drugs issue, I dont think your sister cose to mess up her own life. Alcoholism is an illness and I personally dont think you should blame her for this. This is just my opinion. But then again I am always hypersensitive where sisters are concerned because I miss mine terribly and wish she was still here.

I hope everything goes well for you and she doesnt try and manipulate the situation. As for your dads opinions I would take no notice of that either.

No Fio2 the alcoholism was just part of it - there was violence to me (which I tackled her on a short while ago to get the answer 'well you were a little bitch' (I was 13 and physically a lot smaller than her!!) and we are not talking about a smack or kick here we are talking about stuff I should have been hospitalised for - in fact it was worse than what x2b did to me!!), and stealing and lots of things that she has gladly written out of her life to make her this whiter than white person who we all have to curtail to and think of before we think of ourselves!!

God I sound awful but belive me most of what has happened to her in her life is down to choices she has made even though everyone has tried to help her!!

I sort of guessed there would be more to it when after I posted my reply. Please just ignore me. I am sorry. You really dont have to carry her problems aswell as your own. FWIW I think you are being sensitive to her and not a bitch at all

I used to be very jealous of my sister because she got away with things that I could not. I was good and quiet and willing to compromise, she was rebelious and very loud and insistent on her 'rights'. Now I'm not comparing my situation to yours, but it does seem to me that it's a little similar. Your sister makes the most noise, therefore she gets the most attention. You get on with life, therefore you don't need any attention. And eventually you learn to believe it. Nuts!

Thanks Nuts. XXX

It wasn't that I couldn't have got away with stuff I just had more respect for people than to do the things she did!! But I know what you are saying.

I think there are 2 separate issues here really.

First - telling her about the pregnancy. Of course she will be upset and of course it will be incredibly difficult for her- and she may not take it very well. Remember how awful you found her experience- and so how much worse it must have been for her. I think all her reactions will be pretty human though- although given her character she may make her reaction more noisily than most. Tha fact that she feels like that though- is a) completely human and b) doesn't mean that you have to feel guilty. I know that I still find it incredibly difficult to be around normal kids for any lenght of time- but it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I want people to feel guilty for having normal kids- just means that I haven't completed the grieving yet. And your sister's situation is far worse and more recent.

The other stuff goes much deeper. Clearly she isn't good at taking responsibility for herself. Has she ever been expected to? I think within family's its common to have someone perceievd as a coper and another whose always in crisis. Within my in-laws family we are always expected to get on with it whilst anything to do with SIL is a crisis. I try to ignore it- although I did lose the plot when told hysterically by MIL that SIL "doesn't have enough money to put food on the table" (although plenty for an extension, a new kitchen and a 30 grand BMW on the drive- it's laughable really).

So don't feel guilty about your pregnancy, but don't be too hard on her if she takes the news badly - I really think anyone but a Saint would- even if they managed to make the right noises to you and saved it until they got home to show their upset. Doesn't mean that she isn't in the wrong about all of that though.

whoops last sentence makes no sense- I deleted the one before. What I meant is doesn't mean that she isn't in the wrong about all the other stuff though.

Everyone has given you great advice - it's your sister's problem and you shouldn't take on the burden of HER issues.

To cope with the negativity, you may find it useful to try using a "belljar" technique. Imagine that you're inside a belljar (or non-burstable bubble). (The bloke who teaches this technique, which is a small part of his positive thinking course, says he imagines the Thunderbirds music as the "belljar comes over him" - but use wahtever music/trigger would work for you). This belljar can let positive thoughts out BUT DOES NOT ALLOW NEGATIVE ONES IN. I think of it a wee bit like Goretex - one way permeable!

That way, you can talk to your sister, but are protected from her negative vibes - and may even be able to pass on some of your own positive ones.

It sounds silly but it does work!

Twinkie, you never know, she might even be happy for you. Upset and sad because of her own baby, but happy for you. I think you can hardly ever guess exactly how someone will react to news or what other people will say or do. How many times have we dreaded opening an email from a friend we think we've insulted/asking for a payrise/hand in our notice etc so have assumed it will be terrible, put it off, made ourselves sick about it, got into a panic, yet when we bite the bullet and do it, it's all been absolutely fine?
You are getting yourself really upset about something that is - so far - just in your imagination. I wouldn't take your uncle's comment to heart. I have a friend who was desperate for a baby - just desperate and had been trying for, I think, five years with no luck (though she's pg now, hooray!). Then another friend got pg, and we did all say (after congratulations, of course) 'How are you going to tell X?" - we knew X would be charming and lovely, but also thought it would be painful for her.
She may react badly, she may not. Whichever it is, remember, you don't have to feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong so you really can choose not to feel any guilt. She can't make you feel anything.

I lost a baby many years ago, and a few months later my sister discovered she was pg. My mum called to tell me, but they were both concerned about my reaction. I love my sister so was delighted for her, but saddened by the thoughts of my own loss. But at no time did I ever wish her anything but a lovely happy baby at the end of it all. I know your sister has been through a terrible time, but I am sure she wouldn't want you to be unhappy , and even if she struggles to accept that it is your turn, she will want you to enjoy your pregnancy free from guilt.

I think that's very true- both aloha's and lou's comments- being sad and unhappy for yourself- definitely does not prevent you being happy for someone else.

If she is unable to hide her sadness for herself a) don't feel guilty and b) don't be too hard on her (for that! the other stuff is a different matter!) - it may just be too soon- and definitely doesn't mean that she isn't happy for you iyswim.

I read something recently- but as usual can't remember where or when- magazine article anyway. A woman's sister had a baby- shortly after she lost a baby- and she said that she was simply unable to go and see her sister- because she wasn't ready basically. She knew that she was behaving badly (and she seemed genuine and caring) but she just didn't have the strength to do it- so she sent congratulations (and apologies) from afar.

Agree that phoning is a good idea- hopefully by the time your sister then sees you - she will be able to stay in control and be nice.

What JanZ and sobernow suggest is very good. I have a little mantra that I say to myself when someone says or does something hurtful to me:

'They are saying that because they have a problem. Their problem is nothing to do with me - so what they are saying is nothing to do with me.'

ie I try to let it wash over me, to absorb only the good stuff. Takes practice!

I also think it would be better for both of you if you told her this over the phone. When you do she may well say you should have told her to her face. But if you do that she would probably say you should have told her on the phone. What I'm trying to say is, that in all likelihood, whichever way you do this will be wrong.

So just do it, protect yourself in whatever way you need to (love the belljar idea) and get on with your life. If she can't be happy for you it is HER problem and NOT yours.

Cuddle XX

Twinkie - so sorry - missed this when you first posted it - and I had been thinking about it because I knew it was preying on your mind from before.

Firstly, I think it is big and brave and VERY grown up of you even to be worrying to this degree about someone else's feelings, but the truth is that there are only two people you have to be a grown-up for: your DD and your new baby.

It was a bit unthinking of your uncle to re-act like that immediately - but perhaps he was actually thinking of YOU when he said that, knowing how much it would be chewing you up. In any case - you are the past master at getting on with your own life and ignoring what others think - look at the way you handle that horrid woman who is DP's friend!

In an ideal world, you and your sister would be able to help and support each other to a mutual degree - your parents and step-monster sadly took that away from both of you. Perhaps you are actually hankering for the relationship that might have been in your worry for your sister's reaction, rather than the sad ongoing reality, which is that she might not be able to celebrate for you, and might indeed grab all the attention for herself. But you really don't have to be the grown up for her, it's not your job.

And, meant also to say, you WERE the grown up when she really needed you. You DID do your job as a sister, you were there, holding her hand. You have done your half of 'sistering'. You don't need to do more.

Twinkie, everyone here is right, and I would just be repeating whats already been posted.
God, Twinkie, what a nightmare you have been through!!!!
I am so glad that things are so much better for you now. Its obvious that you are the sort of person that will worry about others feelings, especially your sister in this situation, and that is to your credit. Hopefully she will be happy for you. You deserve to be happy, Twinkie.