Sorry to rant again and I know some of you are going to think me selfish but I don't want to have to be the grown up anymore!!
I have to tell my sister that I am pregnant soon - have avoided seeing her but she will know as soon as she sees me - thing is I know she will take it badly (she lost a baby at 24 weeks last year) but I just don't want to feel like I know she is going to try and make me feel - bad, guilty, spoilt!!
I know what she went though was awful - I held her hand though it (physically held her hand) and ended up in therapy what with the divorce and custody stuff that was going on - I just ploughed through and had to hold her up too and it was just too much - I had a mini breakdown and was on sleeping pills and having therapy and after a while it was easier but life isn't perfect still and I am sick of having to cope and think about her!!
All our life she has been treated better by our father - his excuse when it finally came to ahead - beacuae I am cleverer, prettier, more articulate, find it easier to make friends etc etc etc - in short he felt like she needed him more, I don't agree with this - lots of things that have happened to her are her own fault, drugs, drink, walking out on her child and reappearing 10 years later and then blaming everyone but herself as to why her daughter wants nothing to do with her the list goes on and on and I know life wasn't easy for either of us but I am pissed off with being the one that has to cope.
We told an uncle that I was pregnant at the weekend and his first response - rather than congraulations was 'Well, does your sister know?' - like I have commited the mortal sin that she will I now think I have, and I know she will have to punsih me for this - and I know that I am selfish in expecting not to have to deal with how she feels but I am well and truely pissed off with having to deal with how she feels, well how everyone feels ahead of how I feel - even when we were going to court I could never speak about the custody case as she would start on well you at least get to see your daughter (3 year old daughter) at weekends, I don't see mine and haven;t for x amount of time - the difference being that I was physically thrown out of our house and had to fight from the minute he threw me out to see and get custody of my daughter - she left without a by or leave when hers was not even a year and didn't try and get any contact until 10 years later - but she has rewritten history to make it seem as though she was the hard done by one - what she fails to remember is that we were all there supporting her x partner when he was going through the shock of suddenly haveing to look after a child and work to pay the mortgage and carry on with life when his whole world had just fallen apart!!
God am I being evil about all this?? Should I try and be more charitable - I just want to be able to feel what I actually do for once without having to cope!! DP is fuming he sees how she makes me feel as does one of my friends and both of them say that if she starts on about how cushy my life is they are going to tell her some home truths - god I don;t know I feel like half of me is being a complete bitch and half of me has a right to feel like this!!
When she lost the baby my cousin was also pregnant and everyone was worried how my sister would make her feel - ooohhh hope it doesn;t effect the baby etc.. with me its a different story - just have to get on with it and I don't want to but I don;t want to loose any more of my family over this and I know if I say how I feel or even dream of putting her right i will!!