Husband hiding debt?

[coffeecuppa]

I don't open my husband's post, and he doesn't open mine. The past few months he has been opening his bank statements, saying something like, "I keep telling them I don't need paper statements as I get it all emailed to me," then he rips it up and chucks it in the bin (sometimes straight into the main bin outside).

It happened again today. He was in a lot of debt when we met so I am always wary of him hiding money problems from me. Anyway he's gone out to the pub so I got the statement back out of the bin - it seems he's regularly £200+ into his overdraft (never told me this), is paying £100 for a credit card and £25 a month to Lowell Portfolio (a debt recovery agency I believe?).

My question is: Is £100 a month on a CC and £25 to a debt recovery agency anything to worry about? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt that he's handling things ok, even though he's not being honest?

I have posted about him in the past - we're having problems in general, so not sure if I'm looking for problems where there are none...? Though it seems a bit ridiculous that he's off out to the pub when he has no money, and he was trying to arrange a date night for us yesterday - I told him to cancel because we're saving our money for a family event later this month. Actually, come to think of it, he asked if I had any cash on me that he could take to the pub as he got his PIN wrong today and blocked his card...

Sorry you went through this too, Ride. Those are some very scary stats. I will admit I didn't really realise that. I have already screwed things up financially as I put in every penny of the mortgage deposit; I cashed in a trust fund/early inheritance. My Dad also put a portion towards it but we all signed a contract which states he owns X%, so his money is safe. Husband would be entitled to a large percentage if we split. What a lucky fucker, he's had everything handed to him by a stupid, desperate cow.

Sorrel, I'm 28, he's 30. Married 2.5 years, together 4.5. DS is 15 months. He never was a student, he ran up the original debts on a CC when he was 19-21 while he was working FT.

If I'm brutally honest, I regret marrying him. I regret the whole bloody thing, except DS. I should never have given him the money in the first place because that got me so 'invested' in the relationship, if that makes sense?

He makes me laugh, he's not a horrible man (doesn't abuse me, tells me he loves me), he adores DS. I don't respect him, I don't fancy him, we've not had sex since before DS was born.

I feel like kicking myself :(

Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing.

But here on MN you have the benefit of advice from other women who have been there and who will be honest with you in a way that others will not.

Please listen to them.

£5,000, MiniCooper?! Fuck! He told me he had about £1,000 on there in January 2016 after 'making Christmas magical' But he said he was paying it off.

Yes Kr1stina, you're right. I do appreciate all the honesty on here. It's hard enough talking about relationship problems in real life, but where money is concerned it's even more difficult.

I am listening, and taking it all on board.

Regarding the inheritance and the deposit - I assume you have paperwork that proves that you paid it all. If you don't, your lawyer will and your bank will have records going back 7 years, so you can ask for copies.

And of course you need legal advice right now. You don't have to act on it until you are ready , but at least you will know where you stand.

I'm so sorry, I know this is shit. I can see that you loved and trusted him and thought he has changed. He's really let you down.

Omg don't be so harsh on yourself! It's easy to look back now with the benefit of hindsight! It could've gone the other way too! He could've really stepped up! He has chosen not to; you couldn't have known that.

I'd say at 28 you're still really young and will have a great life ahead of you. Hopefully you can turn to your family? Your dad? You're too young to put up with this for the rest of your life.

My dh was a spender and had cc debt when we met. He'd been living the life of Riley in his 20s. He paid it back himself and is now financially a different person. Everything is shared and transparent and on a spreadsheet. He doesn't really spend anything on himself now. We're living quite frugally as I'm a sahm; but we're in it together. It's not always a red flag. People are responsible for themselves and make their own choices.

So he didn't pay a penny towards the deposit but made you sign a contract entitling him to a large percentage if you split?

Do not pay off another penny of his debts; please get some professional legal advice from a solicitor to see exactly where you stand - show them this contract you signed and find out exactly where you stand.

I'm not sure how you can spend £1000 making Christmas magical for a 3 month old baby.

£100 a month repayment to a CC is I think about a £5000 or so debt (or it was when I owed that much).

Not necessarily true.

It depends on the interest rate on the card.

It could be just over £2,000

Yes Kr1stina, the solicitor we used will have all the information of the inheritance etc. And my Dad will have kept everything too, since the inheritance never touched my bank account, it went through him to the solicitor. When H and I spoke in November about me being unhappy he was saying that he would 'only' want £40k if we split.

Ride, no, I meant that we signed a contract saying that my Dad owns X% of the house, so neither I nor H can touch that percentage, my Dad's money is protected.

Sorrel, it's nice to hear that your DH was able to change his ways. I honestly thought my H had too, he often says that he is so much better with money these days, all thanks to me.

Piglet, last year he said it was 0% for 12 months. So now the 12 months is up. I don't know what that would make the debt though...?

When someone is deceitful and lies about the little things it should always make you wonder about the bigger stuff; suddenly trust becomes an issue and quite rightly so.

He's not lying about little stuff. What other debt is he hiding/lying about?

Don't be hard on yourself coffee, its a lesson learned and you will get your life back on track. Better to call it a day now than waste any more time with a DH spends money irresponsibly then lies about it. It would be a different matter altogether if he was being sincere, genuine and honest about finances.

Ride, no, I meant that we signed a contract saying that my Dad owns X% of the house, so neither I nor H can touch that percentage, my Dad's money is protected

What a fecking relief coffee.

Does this mean you could still have a roof over your head?

Apparently both husband and wife are responsible for half the debt within the marriage even when only person is responsible.

This ^^ is not true (thankfully). I am an ex Bank Manager and I worked in debt recovery for 20 years. You can only pursue the Debtor or his/her guarantor (if the debt has been guaranteed by someone).

However, yes, a wife could lose the roof over her head, if the mortgage is in the husbands name and he is missing payments. Because the house will be security against the mortgage and the Bank can evict you and force a house sale, to repay the mortgage. So in that way, the wife can, through no fault of her own, become homeless. However, this is quite rare. People who are not paying their mortgage are given several chances to rectify this, before the eviction route is taken. They would be given the chance to restructure the mortgage over a longer term, thus reducing the monthly payments to a more manageable amount. You may also be granted a moratorium (time where you don't have to pay at all), in order to get back on your feet.

There is no way of knowing how much his Credit Card bill is, even though you know he is paying £100pm to it. It could be £5000, or £15,000.

Be aware, that he is most likely a candidate for an IVA (England) or a Trust Deed (Scotland). What happens here, is that all of the debts are calculated, so you know the total owed to all and sundry. You do an income and expenditure, to show how much spare cash you have at the end of each month. The Company handling the IVA/Trust Deed write to all the Creditors and suggest that they are paid this amount of "spare" cash per month, between them, for 3 years. After that, any monies still owed are written off and you have no debt. After 6 years the whole episode is wiped from your records. Usually, the Creditors are happy if they get 10p for every £1 owed. Sometimes, they settle for far less.

But you need to think of a way to bring this up with him!

Husky, interesting info. Luckily the mortgage is definitely being paid, it's in both our names and the money comes from our joint account so I know it's being paid.

Sorrel, I don't know how I would pay him £40k to buy him out of the house but yes I guess the house is theoretically safe I suppose. I guess downsizing is an option for me and DS but I wouldn't get a mortgage without having a FT job would I? Maybe I'd have to go crawling back to the bank of Dad and offer him a higher % of the house.

Thanks for clarifying Husky that is good to know. I'm sure I was told otherwise by my solicitor!

Here is a link by Baines & Ernst re marital debt:

www.bainesandernst.co.uk/help-and-advice/personal-finance/responsible-marriage-debts/

Knowledge is power.

However I have read threads here where the DW has been forced to pay off marital debts or been left homeless, so these must have been debts in joint names; joint mortgage or a joint bank account.

MN usually berates women for being unmarried with DC, but in situations like this, OP would be better single & with separate finances.

OP, I'd be doing whatever I could to disentangle any joint finances.

Coffee you are being very responsible, your dc is very small, you know what a lying feckless devious man you have married and thank god you know now and not 10 years hence.

Your dc needs responsible, honest role models in their life, something your dad and you provide.

You have been a gullible fool but that was then. This is now. Tell your dad everything, get legal advice together and go from there.

Do NOT confront him but try and do more digging. Good luck!

We will all support you

I'd LTB for this. But I made a similar thread a few years ago and things went from bad to worse..

I was left penniless, resentful and felt I'd wasted years of my life.

They don't change.

I've got £4,400 on my credit card and my minimum payment was £129 this month if that helps at all. Sorry you're having a crap time at the moment and you're getting loads of great advice.

ridelike That link is correct. Any debt amassed in a sole name, the spouse cannot be held accountable in any way. Debts in joint names, then both parties are equally liable. Bank won't care who spent the most. Both parties are joint and severally liable to repay. Furthermore, the Bank don't care who pays the money back. If the debt is passed to Debt Collection department, they will pursue both parties and accept money from either. If one party is destitute and one is not, they will target the party who has the money to pay, and this person might end up paying the whole lot. Any Guarantors will also be vigorously pursued. An old saying at our Bank....What's another name for a Guarantor? An Idiot with a pen in his hand.

gin You poor thing, that sounds terrible.

Fidelia, is that correct about only getting out what you put in? I thought being married made it all joint? If it was the other way around, i.e. the husband put all the money in, wouldn't the wife still be entitled to half?

And yes, it's not just the money, it's the lying and also the fact that he's not doing anything to try to solve it (spending as little as possible, etc).