DH Meeting Work Colleague for Lunch on Day Off - and not mentioning to me..

[Blueflowers2011]

So DH is quite an outgoing man, personable, talks to anyone and everyone and enjoys socialising etc.

I saw a message coming in on his phone from an ex work colleague of his to meet up. He suggested when the kids are both at school/nursery and on his next day off next week. (he gets days off in the week as works wkds).

Her last sentence was to say could they go somewhere with some really nice food.

So... what do i do here...

1. Confront him before next week and admit I snooped on his phone (which could in turn make him very over protective of it in the future)

1. See if he says anything by next week - if he still doesn't either a) wait and see if my husband is really a liar in life and hides things from me or b) follow him like a mad woman to where they will be meeting (to be arranged) and see what this is all about.

As far as I know about this woman, he always talked about her but just as a work colleague.

I would NOT mind if he told me about it beforehand. It's the fact that he is hiding it that is bothering me so much.

What should I do? Looking for your help as usual ladies please.

It all sounds odd, including his days off being all about him spending time on his own. What about all the shit that needs doing like cleaning the house, sorting the laundry, shopping, posting parcels etc etc etc which I do on my day off - who gets the joys of doing that? The whole thing would piss me off if he wasn't doing his share of the donkey work. The meeting ex female colleague would not necessarily worry me unless he was lying about what he was doing that day when you knew he was meeting her.

Something has tripped your spidey senses. I suggest keeping quiet for the foreseeable future and continuing to monitor events.
Consider how many times you have given him the benefit of the doubt. Consider how many times you have told yourself you are overthinking things.
If you play your full hand of knowledge too soon you become vulnerable to dismissive accusations of paranoid jealousy, whether with good reason or not. That would be a very stressful place to be, wondering. And if DH does have something to hide he will know to cover his tracks better.
XP told me he went to concerts "alone". I subsequently had reason to doubt it very much.

I think FT100 raises a really valid questions. I had a batshit ex, who in the end didn't communicate with as I couldn't be arsed.

Not saying you are OP, could be a perception thing on his part

I agree that his attitude of " my time off is all mine " is weird. Most parents spend their days off work with the kids or doing housework or chores. Occasionally they get to do something alone, but not 2-3 days a week.

So you spend your days off ( presumably Saturday and Sunday ) watching the kids. And he spends his days off doing his own thing, which he makes a big deal about.

That would make me very suspicious, as well as angry at his selfishness.

Also if he's on a day off and you are working from home, most couples would take the time to enjoy the occasoinal nice child free lunch /afternoon nap together and then catch on on work in the evening , while the other deals with the kids. Unless the nature of your work doesn't allow that.

I agree he does sound selfish with his time. If you were both off on weekends together, would he still feel the need to do stuff on his own, away from you and his children?

It would make me wonder what exactly he was doing on his days off, does he meet her frequently, or meet other women? He is compartmentalising his life,which isn't a good thing for a partnership/relationship.

I found out my husband has been having an affair for 2 fucking Years last night, with a work partner. And I found out by accident. Do a bit of digging first. Hope he's not a lying cheating scumbag like mine!

I wouldn't reveal your hand. And I would snoop all devices.

What screams out at me, is that he won't spend time with you, but he can make time for this woman. Why?

I suspect that his cinema trips "alone" are anything but.

Why does she even have his mobile number? WHY?

You really need to get a good look at his texts/e-mails etc, WITHOUT tipping him off and giving him the chance to delete stuff.

Hopefully I am wrong, and it's all innocent. But I'd certainly be snooping.

I used to meet a male ex-work colleague for lunch every month or so when we worked in the same city. We're both happily married and used to compare notes on our kids , swap book recommendations etc. There was absolutely nothing romantic/sexual in it at all. Sometimes I told DH we'd met up, others I didn't think to mention it. No biggie.

Ugh see in the past it wouldn't have bothered me my STBXH going and meeting colleagues for lunch, BUT it's because he'd openly tell me. E.g. 'oh im meeting so and so for lunch today' etc. Never hid anything from me.

However in the last stage of our relationship I started getting the strange feeling and went through his phone (never done that in 10 years of being together) only to find he'd met a colleague for lunch one weekend, and as he hadn't mentioned it to me at all, alarm bells started ringing. I brought it up, and he brushed it off, just meeting a friend for lunch, didn't think there was a need to tell me etc. I still thought it was strange though.

10 months later he left me for her.

I wouldn't necessarily tell my DH what I'm doing on a day off TBH. Although if I was meeting up with a man I probably would mention, just in case I was seen and someone gets the wrong idea.

If I was you I'd wait till the morning of the day and ask if he had any plans for the day. Just in a really casual way.

Why are you waiting for him to tell you? Feels like you're setting him up a bit.

Just ask him if he's got any plans. Job done.

And examine why you're feeling the way you are. Him telling you about lunch will only be part of a bigger picture (or not). If he doesn't tell you, you'd hardly divorce him over it so why torture yourself.

Spending your day off alone isn't selfish. I go to the gym, spas and may meet up with a friend or just go shopping on my own.

That doesn't equate to selfishness in my book. If your whole time off is spent cleaning and cooking it's hardly fun is it. You can't dictate how your partner spends their day off.

My DH goes to the cinema or plays golf on days off ..... there's nothing wrong with that at all.

It's nothing to do with how he spends his days off sandy.

It's the fact that HE gets to spend his days off doing what he wants.

And she has to spend her days off watching the kids and doing housework.

How is that fair ?

Kr1, I thought the kids were in daycare.

I find that if you don't set the pace for your relationship early on , you'll get lumbered with childcare all the time.

As you said, it's not really about him doing his own thing. If he was meeting up with a male colleague, the OP would not have started this thread. That's the real issue.

Are you sure he's on his own when he's going off on his days off?
As you wouldn't have known he was meeting someone this time until you checked his phone.

Just ask him what he's got planned and you will know. Don't drag it out he may just tell you and you've been worrying for nothing.

Also I wouldn't read much into the let's go somewhere with really nice food thing.

Ive met up with ex colleagues for lunch before and can imagine saying the same

Why were you snooping?

This would piss me right off, whether he's shagging her or not. He does what he wants on his days off, bet the OP can't, they are a family!

He likes to do his own thing - very nice for him, taking her out somewhere with very nice food, bet he hasn't done the same for the OP lately and is deliberately not telling her - sneaky git.

It annoys me a bit when people comment in a negative way about snooping. There are plenty of us who have found out stuff , "ONLY" by snooping even after "chats" , be it phones, in drawers etc. Otherwise a lot of us would be still in the dark, and being crapped on. I dont agree with snooping for the sake of it or for entertainment value ,but when you are getting some whopping red flags (this case is a little bit borderline, ) sometimes only snooping will actually get to the bottom of it.

That's why we asked user were there any red flags before she snooped, it's really not normal to go through your husbands phone/drawers pockets.

Although I'd do all three and more of I had reason to be suspicious. I never have, because I never have been.

I'm due to meet up with an ex male colleague (who's married with kids) soon. We were good friends at work, so we plan to catch up and chat about both becoming parents, life since we worked together, what we're doing now etc. Whether he's told his wife or not I don't know, I told OH who is fine about it as we're friends and he goes out with his colleagues.

I do see your concerns as it's someone of the opposite sex, but I would feel sick to think the wife of the friend I'm going to see thought it was going to be something more. I would also be mortified if his wife turned up while we were innocently catching up in a PUBLIC place.

Plus a lunch time catch up over food isn't like he's meeting her at a hotel late at night.

Instead of letting this go over in your head for days on end, and if you can't tell him you snooped, ask him if he's doing anything on his day off. If he asks why tell him you have a delivery (at lunch time) that you'd like him to be home for. If he still doesn't tell you then what are you going to do? Kick up a fuss on the day he goes?

You're both currently keeping things from each other though, not very good.

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Dodgy behaviour. Why wouldn't he mention it? Presumably he doesn't want you to know. I'd also outright ask him what he's doing on his day off.

He does what he wants on his days off, bet the OP can't, they are a family!

Being married doesn't mean your life ends and you can't go out on your own though. I get to do what I want on my day off too. It's not a problem or a big deal.

The issue is he's meeting a member of the opposite sex. It's not really about his day off. If he was meeting this former female colleague during his lunch break on a working day, it would still have led to this thread.

It's important to stick to the issue at hand. The problem or issue here is him meeting a woman without telling his wife.