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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is going to leave us

42 replies

what2do · 26/06/2004 13:32

We have been married nearly 9 years and have a dd aged 20 months. I'm also 12 weeks pg with an unplanned baby(and pretty unwell at the moment). About 4 weeks ago, DH announced that he couldn't carry on as we were and would have to leave. He's still here at the moment - has agreed to stay and help until I am feeling physically able to cope better - but he has letting agents scouting for a place for him and has taken some legal advice. I feel numb - I can't believe he is doing this to us, epecially now I am pg again. Just want some advice/sympathy.

OP posts:

Twinkie · 26/06/2004 13:35

Honey - I am so sorry I don't know what to say - do you have family you can lean on who can help out and maybe give you a rest??

Has he said why he needs to leave - are you sure its not just shock at the prospect of him being a father again, have you actually talked it through as to what he is going to do once he leaves and him seeing the new baby and DD??

wobblyknicks · 26/06/2004 13:35

what2do - poor you - did he say why he's leaving?

Have you got good friends or family around you who could rally round and help you out a bit when he leaves?

Also, if he's taken legal advice, I'd say you should get to a solicitor asap. You need someone to back you up if he gets nasty about finances etc.

coppertop · 26/06/2004 13:41

Poor you. No advice to give but lots of sympathy. xxx

Soulfly · 26/06/2004 13:52

I am so sorry, what a horrible thing to have to deal with when your pg, and unwell. Did he say why he was leaving, have you been having problems??
I have not useful advice, i wish i had.

hugsxx

coppertop · 26/06/2004 13:52

bump!

Original poster

what2do · 26/06/2004 13:53

Thanks for responding so fast.
Twinkie - my Dad knows (I don't have a Mum) and he is being fantastic. Luckily he lives close by. Most of my friends are mutual friends with Dh so I don't know what will happen there, and don't want to put them in an awkward place.
I DO think the pregnancy is part of it- if not the reason, then the catalyst for it all - but he says not.
And on the legal advice front - my dad is a solicitor (though not family-based) so I'm just talking to him at the moment. Don't want to see anyone formally - feel like this would force me to accept something I don't want to accept.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 26/06/2004 14:09

Poor you. Well, I've certainly got plenty of sympathy but not sure about advice. Why is he leaving? Has he said? Is he just going to walk, no counselling, Relate, discussion, nothing? Do you want him to stay? Another selfish twat of a man strikes again, by the sound of it. Sorry if this is over the top, I don't know your circumstances but I am perturbed at how many men I know/know of who've done this recently. What do you want, do you want him to stay? I'm so sorry, you must be feeling awful but there's plenty of support here if you need it.

ggglimpopo · 26/06/2004 14:30

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 26/06/2004 17:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster

what2do · 26/06/2004 17:49

ggglimpopo - yes, he behaved quite oddly when I was pg with DD. She was a much wanted baby, but when I was about 5 months he said that he wasn't happy and didn't know what to do about it. This is what makes me think that the pregnancy is the catalyst for this. We have always had quite a stormy relationship, but since DD was about months old things have been calmer, I have tried to address some of the things he saw as problems, and I honestly thought we had a real chance to get sorted.
I don't think I'll ever trust him again, even if he decides he's made terrible mistake. Part of me just wants him to go, so I can get it all out in the open and get on with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

what2do · 26/06/2004 17:50

Should have said since dd was about 6 months old

OP posts:

papillon · 26/06/2004 18:19

Take care what2do. Just here to give my voice in sympathy and support.
I am glad to hear that you have great support from you dad.

Remember we are always here if you need to chat.

happymummy1 · 26/06/2004 19:07

It sounds if you are having a real rough time of
it.
Get all the support you can from friends and family,it's his loss.

bbensley · 26/06/2004 19:42

Oh what2do what an awful thing to have to deal with.

Haven't really got any advice just virtual hugs

(((((()))))))

eefs · 26/06/2004 19:50

how unfair of him to shirk his responsibilities when you a) don't have this choice and b) wouldn't be that spineless in any case. Good of him to stay for the extra time until your morning sickness is better

It makes me think though that he may be one of those men who has a problem with not being no.1 i.e. when your DD was tiny she was the main focus and maybe he was jealous. He can probably see this happening again. Do you think he genuinely wants to leave or is this perhaps a cry for help? It's not very admirable or mature but perhaps a little more understandable if this is the case.
It doesn't like it, but do you think there is anyone else involved?

Lots of sympathy and hugs to you (((what2do)))

Mangogirl · 26/06/2004 20:02

Hey what2do,

I am so sorry to hear about your dh's shocking behaviour. Maybe the others are right and he needs some more attention but I think you should be the one lavished with attention. Maybe ask him to outline to you whichever way he feels comfortable (letter, e-mail etc) how he feels or at least turn up to a Relate session with you. It seems bitterly unfair that you don't know his full reasoning and you do have a right to know.

Try to think of other happy things you can do, people to be with etc and cultivate your own life rather than dwelling too much on a situation you can't do much about. I know it's a bit of a cliche but please remember you cannot control what he does next but you can control what you think about it ("Nothing is good or bad only thinking makes it so" or something like that) so please don't beat yourself up about it.
My thoughts are with you.

curlysue · 26/06/2004 20:19

I'm so sorry to read about your situation what2do. I found out my ex dp was having an affair when I was 6 months pg with my 2nd dd. He didn't want to go but didn't want to make any effort to sort things out either and went on seeing the woman and never showed any remorse or any of the things they say you need to do to get over infidelity.

Anyway I stuck it out for 6 more months to get my head round the idea only telling a few people. But in the end I told him to go and I have never regretted it.

I was then able to tell people and not cry as I was used to the idea. My parents were/are fantastic and we're doing OK (4 years later); in fact we're doing great!! It was a relief when he went and there was no more unhappiness and atmosphere at home.

I hope you can find a way to work things out and you can get him to talk to you. But if not I'm sure you'll be fine. It has a lot of plus points! You can watch soaps all you like, no mess and what you say about discipline etc. goes!!

Good luck. Thinking of you.

aloha · 26/06/2004 20:51

He sounds utterly spineless. I think he owes you a proper explanation and to go to counselling/Relate with you if you want. After all, there are two children involved. I can't believe some men.

ChicPea · 26/06/2004 22:09

What an awful situation What2do, I'm so sorry to read about it.

I think some men go into shock when wives become pregnant or when babies arrive as they start feeling trapped and/or they then see their wives growing up/changing and turning into somebody they didn't marry. I'm not saying this necessarily applies to you but just want to highlight some couple's situation and way of thinking. I have seen a couple of friends of my DH go through this and I hear the rundown on the situation from both the wife and the husband. She has grown up and gives all her attention to the child(ren) and is tired and he feels left out and resentful, maybe the wife hasn't lost her preg weight and mooches around in more comfy clothes. I know that's childish but that's the way some men are.

What can you do to revive things? Think back to when you were newly together and even one year after being together, how were things then? What did you enjoy doing as a couple? I'm not saying that any of this is your fault, only that you may be the only one to work out how to save the relationship/tow him back in. Would he benefit from a break? Would that make him miss you and then you could start afresh? This must be a terrible shock especially as you are pregnant and need caring for. It's important to keep your dignity, be strong for your dd and work out what you want and how to get it. I'm sure we can all offer help with strategy...one question, is there another person involved? Not that means it's over, just a factor to take into consideration when planning what to do.

ChicPea · 27/06/2004 01:24

bump

nightowl · 27/06/2004 06:25

what2do, its an awful situation no doubt about it. my situation wasnt the same as yours (wasnt married, hadnt been together as long etc) but i do know what its like to be walked out on whilst pregnant. when will these men realise that its not just the physical side of being pregnant that makes women vulnarable? it may well be that hes scared, leaves, comes back etc but that is just not on. that could actualy be more upsetting than a clean break. without knowing much about you/your situation i cant really advise but if he definatly does leave i would say the most important thing is to know where you stand and what the arrangments will be with your little ones. its hard being pg on your own but it does get easier, i promise. take care of yourself and do keep offloading on here, you'll get lots of support when you need it most xx

moominmama86 · 27/06/2004 09:58

What2do, I am so sorry you're going through this, especially with a pg to deal with too. Your dh sounds as if he is behaving appallingly and you have all my sympathy, although I'm not sure I have very much useful advice.

From what you have said it does sound a little as if he is running scared at the thought of another baby and of losing his 'place'. This is pathetic IMO but unfortunately it does happen. I do think you deserve an explanation if nothing else. Maybe it would be better to just let him go (as you say) and see what happens? Do you really need to be looking after THREE children? Sorry if that sounds flippant but I would find it very hard to trust a man capable of behaving like that. It sounds as if you have family support and of course you have tons of support here. Please try to stay as positive as you can - you will get through this and emerge happily on the other side, I promise. Thinking of you.

motherinferior · 27/06/2004 11:15

I've read this thread and don't have anything extra to add (except that I'm appalled by him).Hugs.

Blu · 27/06/2004 14:54

How are you What2Do?
Sorry, I have nothing helpful to add - wish I had a magic wand to wave over all those men who seem to enter into the mechanics of creating babies and children and then duck out of the responsibility.

mummytosteven · 27/06/2004 15:02

good afternoon what2do. Am staggered by your DH's behaviour. I know that you don't want to go to a family solicitors as you feel that is putting a bit of a seal on things, but I think you do need to start thinking of yourself and lo urgently, and your financial position. Given that you are 12 weeks pg, if things don't improve soon, you don't want to be in a position where you are heavily pregnant and having to worry about finances/seeing sols etc. Since your DH appears to have gone legal and is looking for somewhere else to live (which after all is going to cost money that could be far better spent supporting his family) I really think you should at least get advice about protecting yourself now, even if you don't feel like taking any formal action. I would also keep a very carefully eye on any joint accounts, and whether the mortgage is being paid. Sorry if I am sounding all doom and gloom. I agree with other posters that you should get him to come along to counselling with you, and at the very least explain what his problems are, and why he behaves like this.

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