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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is going to leave us

42 replies

what2do · 26/06/2004 13:32

We have been married nearly 9 years and have a dd aged 20 months. I'm also 12 weeks pg with an unplanned baby(and pretty unwell at the moment). About 4 weeks ago, DH announced that he couldn't carry on as we were and would have to leave. He's still here at the moment - has agreed to stay and help until I am feeling physically able to cope better - but he has letting agents scouting for a place for him and has taken some legal advice. I feel numb - I can't believe he is doing this to us, epecially now I am pg again. Just want some advice/sympathy.

OP posts:

Original poster

what2do · 27/06/2004 19:52

Hi people,
To answer one or two points raised...
He says there is no one else involved and I do believe him; he's not the unfaithful type.
Maybe the new baby is a threat, but I don't think its just this - talking to him it runs much deeper than that. I do think he should have stuck it out, at least until baby is 4 months old though.
As for Relate etc, i don't think its an option now. I would have gladly tried it at an earlier stage, (in fact I suggested it when we had all this last time), but its gone too far now. I said to him a few weeks ago that he mentally packed his bags two years ago, and he agreed. I actually feel OK about it at the moment. There isn't a lot I can do as far as he is concerned, so I am determined to stay strong for my DD myself and the newbie.POsts like curlysues help and I was talking to my Dad the other day and he said "You WILL be fine after all this". I know he's right - the next year or two will be very tough, but I will be happy again, and my kids will be happy too!
Thanks for all support offered here.x

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Lisa78 · 27/06/2004 23:06

what2do, I wish I could offer more than virtual hugs; it sort of sounds like you have reconciled yourself to him leaving, its just the practicality of him actually doing so.
Would like to give him a good kicking though
Stay strong and keep posting, we're all here for you
Lisa
xx

sanssouci · 28/06/2004 01:00

Hello what2do,

Dh just walked in & I told him about your situation. He says your dh is going to need lots of dosh & an extraordinarily good solicitor. I'm shocked & hurt for you, just like all the other posters but seriously, a man who can walk out on his baby & pregnant wife must be a sh*t.

Men are definitely weird about pregnancy, though. When I told dh I was pregnant with dd, he asked me to have a termination! I threw a clock at him (the dent is still in the cupboard door) & my wedding ring... told him to get out! Here we are almost 5 years later with a dd and a ds so who knows?

Thinking of you, here for you.
xxx

tigermoth · 28/06/2004 02:27

what2do, What a rotten thing to be going through. Your dad sounds a gem - a wise, loving father with a lot of legal knowledge to boot.

You seem to be getting more reconciled to your dh going. Only you know how things have been since your daughter was born. Did your dh get more used to being a father over the last 20 months - even if he won't admit it? If so, do you think there could be hope for you two? Have his feelings been up and down - is he going through a 'down' now? It's one thing talking to letting agents, but quite another actually leaving home. Do you think if you wait it out, he will backtrack?

If you know he has felt the same way for a long time, then I guess the outlook is bleaker. You say he agreed he'd mentally packed his bag two years ago. If that is the case, I guess you do need to look to life beyond him. I am so sorry it's happening right now.

I think it's very low of your dh to give you no explanation. After 9 years and two pregnancies - unbelievable. If he won't even do that, won't talk it through, won't fully commit himself, then I guess you'll never feel secure as long as he stays. I am glad you are finding the strength to see you will be happy again after all this has subsided.

curlysue · 28/06/2004 19:32

Glad I helped!! Check out my thread on the benefits of being a lone parent and you'll be looking forward to almost!!

I know it's horrible and I can joke now because it was so long ago but it's really fine and I am very happy. You'll be chuffed with yourself for coping and it makes you feel good I promise!

rainbowface · 30/06/2004 01:11

W2do Im really sorry this is happeneing. Dont know if this is relevant but are you close to his parents, have you spoken to them about it? They must be concerned about you and their grandchildren surely?

Original poster

what2do · 30/06/2004 12:30

Rainbowface - I am quite close to his mum and I'm sure they are very concerned about this situation. They are on holiday at the moment (they know, he spoke to them before they went) and I will talk to his mum when they return. Not sure what good it will do though.

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Samcj · 30/06/2004 14:58

So sorry this is happening to you W2D. Men can be so awful. Thought I would tell you my story I hope it might help, I think I've told it before!
I had an unplanned pregnancy, we are both quite young (23 and 24) and it can as quite a shock to both of us, although DP took it alot worse than me. His initial reaction? 'we're f**ked'(!) The long and short of it was that we couldn't talk it through, we just kept coming up against a brick wall. He wanted me to abort the baby, I couldn't bear the idea although I understood his reasons for wanting too. He kept threatening me that unless I aborted the baby he would leave me.
This went on for about a month, and was a very stressful time. In the end, I went away for a while, and then came back and managed to sort out a place for me to live. I came back to tell DP I was leaving, which was when he realised that he didn't want to loose me. Since then he has been so great (most of the time!).
Basically he has since admitted he threatened to leave as he felt it was the only form of any power over me. I do think men feel powerless and it is a very strange time for them. I would advise you if at all possible to go and stay with friends for a while, take yourself out of the situation and give him some time to see what life is like without you.
If he still feels the same way about the situation then, then perhaps it is time to push him out of your life, basically take control, don't leave it all to him to do all the 'doing'. He is being an awful, wimp of a man who is shirking his responsibilties. But if you still want to make things work then I wish you the best of luck. Thinking of you.

muttley · 30/06/2004 22:17

I don't have any advice to give, but just wanted to add my voice to all the others offering you support. What a really crummy ( I typed worse but don't want to be banned for bad language on my first entry) thing to be happening. Keep strong, and keep focussed on what is right for you and your children.

Original poster

what2do · 15/07/2004 11:40

Thought I'd update you..
He has now found a place to live and I think he is planning to move out on 2nd Aug. I veer between being absolutely FURIOUS with him, feeling devestated and feeling that the sooner he goes the better. I've now spoken to his parents; they are also devestated and making all the right noises about supporting me and dd (and db), and wanting to stay in contact with me (don't know how realistic this is though). He is doing his best to be reasonable about finance etc, but I can't help feeling he's living in cloud cuckoo land cos he really believes we are going to be financially ok, and the kids will be fine "it's up to us to minimise the hurt to them" - true, but even the minimal hurt for them will be massive!
I feel remarkably ok considering. I'm physically much better now the early pg sickness is improving, and emotionally I feel numb, most of the time. Guess when it actually happens I might not be so calm.
Thanks for all messages of support.x

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mummytosteven · 15/07/2004 12:31

so sorry to feel that things haven't improved what2do. I am so cross that he has emotionally abandoned you, and whilst withdrawing his emotional support is leaving at his own convenience. I wouldn't make it too comfortable for him at home - let him do his own cooking/washing etc if you are not already doing so. I'm glad that the m/s has improved. I know that it is difficult taking legal steps, and feeling like you're putting a final seal on things, but I think you ought to at least have a look at the sort of financial and other information that you would have to provide for a divorce, and get the information/paperwork in order now, so that you don't end up having to do this whilst heavily pregnant/with a tiny new baby. He has to accept that he is the one leaving his children - it's all very well to say that you both have to minimise the hurt - the lions share of the blame does rest with him. If you have not already done so, I would start thinking as far ahead as possible about practical aspects to do with the birth - who will look after dd, who will be your birth partner, what sort of domestic assistance will you have after the birth and looking after dd. have you told any of your RL friends about this yet? You need as much emotional and practical support as possible atm.
Best of luck

mummytosteven · 15/07/2004 17:16

bump

Caribbeanqueen · 15/07/2004 17:46

So sorry to hear about this What2do. I fhe has found somewhere to live already, why is he waiting nearly another month to move? Would it not make it easier for you, and get the pain over with more quickly, if he went sooner? The anticipation of something like this can be very stressful and almost as bad as the actual event in my experience.

Keep strong and keep posting. Hugs xxx

Original poster

what2do · 16/07/2004 11:10

He has been hanging on mostly cos I wasn't well enough to manage dd on my own (I've had hyperemesis and spent 4 days in hospital on a drip). Part of me can't wait for him to leave - he has emotionally abandoned us in many ways mummyto steven- but his practical help is still very important. Don't worry, he is fending for himself domestically; we hardly see each other as once dd is in bed, I tend to go upstairs cos I feel so tired, so things aren't too bad that way.
Have told one or two RL friends, am talking to my sisters today, so do have some support. Waiting until it actually happens to broadcast it though.

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mummytosteven · 16/07/2004 11:59

oh dear you have had an amazingly rough time of it recently just with the physical aspects of the pg. With my m/s it didn't magically end at the end of the first trimester, but tailed off at around 18 weeks. Hopefully yours will end very soon.

I am glad that you have RL support - I can understand you not wanting to "broadcast" what is happening - though I think you will feel better when you don't have to put a good "face" on. Hopefully once people know the situation they will volunteer practical support, so you are less reliant on your husband for that. Do your sisters live nearby? There are a quite a few people on here who split with their partners during pg - there is a thread about that on lone parents - tho I guess you may not want to/feel ready to look at that yet.

take care

canihelp · 16/07/2004 12:34

Hi what2do
I'm not sure how to say this without sounding slightly sinister - but i think i know who you are and i'd like to help. i'm the person who 1st recommended mumsnet to you and i saw you on friday. I'm so dreadfully sorry that this has happened and i just want you to know that i'm here if you'd like some support. If you don't contact me i won't mention it again and of course i won't tell anyone. i totally understand if you're not ready to talk.
i'm around most of today if you want to ring. Thinking of you and dd XXXXXXXXXXX

Original poster

what2do · 16/07/2004 20:58

Yes canihelp, you probably do know me. Thanks for your kind thoughts - and I'll be in touch by phone soon.x

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