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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what to do

46 replies

iloveludo · 08/01/2017 21:24

I feel silly posting on this but sadly for me I have no one I feel I can confide in about this as I have no friends. I have been with dh for just over 7 years married for 2 with 2 dc. Ds 5yrs and dd almost 3yrs.. he changed jobs switching to full time and I went part time this was just over a year ago and since then he's changed so much I often find myself wondering if I would be better off as a single parent. I do love him but he works long hours and whenever he's home and actually sees the kids he is constantly moody and shouts/flys off the handle at the slightest thing and I hate it as I am around the kids the majority of the time and never find myself reacting like that towards them. He would much rather play on his ps4 with his friends than actually spend time with his children.
Also today was awful I recently passed my driving test and was out today in a new car with dh and the kids so obviously a bit nervous basically we ended up bickering due to me stalling the car and being worried and he screamed at me and swore threatening to punch me and telling me to pull over at the side of the road. At that moment all I could think of was how could he treat me like that in front of the kids

I really feel quite lost and isolated I don't know what to do, I do love my hubby but honestly my children are my world and I worry this may be a damaging environment if he continues to behave like this.

After we got home he later apologised but I still feel upset about it all.

Am I over reacting?
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

AragornsManlyStubble · 08/01/2017 21:27

LTB. It will only continue and get worse.

CatBallou2 · 08/01/2017 21:43

Aah, how awful. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think that anyone in a relationship should be treated this way. Being screamed at is soul destroying.

Will you speak to him about what's going on in his life? It sounds like he's not coping and maybe there's things he's not telling you.

EweAreHere · 08/01/2017 21:45

Marriage counseling?

Jayfee · 08/01/2017 21:54

Definitely contact Relate. TBH he sounds quite unhappy too.

Ditsyprint40 · 08/01/2017 21:55

Ditto relate

Chillyegg · 08/01/2017 21:58

He sounds like a prize prick. You domt need to be worried about him screaming at you. Id try relate but bloody nora you dont need that crap. Him threatening to punch you becausr uou stalled is absolutely horrendous

Original poster

iloveludo · 08/01/2017 22:04

Thank you for the response,

I honestly wouldn't know how to leave or what to do I sometimes wonder if that's best as I have wondered whether he would graduate to actually hitting me during an argument.

In the past there has been 2 incidents but I'm not sure if I'm maybe being daft about them as he didn't actually hit me.
Although his job is hard it's actually one he enjoys and actively pursued hence my drop in hours to fit around childcare so that he could do the job.
Since starting the job he comments on how much money he makes and will often joke and remark about how hard he works and he makes the money that buys what we want etc . I do work 20 hours but when I'm not working I have the children.
He seems to think that as he's full time and earns more he's entitled to do what he wants ie play computer / indulge in his hobbies and whilst I don't grudge him leisure time I'm frustrated as I do pretty much everything else. Hes not the same person I met and fell in love with ,he was so wonderful and involved with the kids before whereas now he screams and shouts and swears at them for the most minor things like my dd spilling a cup of water or having an accident (potty training) I feel awful like I'm bad mouthing him.

I would possibly consider counselling but I doubt he would.

I feel conflicted and to be honest trapped.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 08/01/2017 22:09

He threatened to punch you?

Ditsyprint40 · 08/01/2017 22:10

Do you think you could have a proper conversation with him - ask if he's happy? Tell him you're feeling unhappy? I'd try to do it without placing blame (even if that's what you're thinking!) and see if you can have an open conversation. Just a suggestion, as may not be possible...

CockacidalManiac · 08/01/2017 22:13

He sounds pretty unpleasant really. You deserve better than this self-obsessed bully.

tipsytrifle · 08/01/2017 22:13

What were the other two incidents?

Original poster

iloveludo · 08/01/2017 22:23

I want to have an honest conversation with him about it all but I'm worried as to what he would think and say , I hate the thought of upsetting people.
Haven't told anyone this before
Well the first one was when my son was around 10 months old and we were getting ready to go out I popped him on the sofa and stood directly with him blocking him to keep him there so I could zip my jacket he leapt forward almost falling off the couch I caught him and no harm done. Dh was standing near me chatting and as this happened with ds almost falling I stood up with him in my arms and he slapped me and berated me for being so stupid as ds almost fell.
The 2nd incident was almost a year or so ago dd was having a rough night I had been up and down most of the night and was exhausted said to dh that it was his turn this resulted in an argument with him calling me a bitch but leaving to see to dd and I went to toilet on his return to the room he took offence to me having slammed a door and grabbed me an threw me on the bed but he let me go after I shouted at him as I was scared.

I know in my heart this will only get worse over time but what do I do ? What if I'm just being silly and overreacting I don't want to potentially split my family unit and uproot and upset my dc .

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2017 22:25

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why is it you have no friends?. Is this his doing in that he has managed to isolate you socially?

My guess too is that he has ramped up all this behaviour over a long period of time and it is only now that you are noticing this from him for what it is. The boiled frog analogy springs to mind here.

Your children and you for that matter deserve far better and you are right to be worried that this type of environment will damage them. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, what are they learning from the two of you?.

This type of entitled individual you are with will not change; this is who he really is. I doubt very much he acts the same around the people he works with; he saves all this ill treatment for you instead. His actions are all about power and control; he wants absolute. His apology is anything but really, actions speak far louder than words and his actions are appalling both towards you and his children.

Joint counselling anyway would be a non starter here due to the abuse he metes out; not that he would want to attend any sessions in any event. Counselling for you would be beneficial as would having a chat with Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

CockacidalManiac · 08/01/2017 22:26

You're not overreacting. He's abusive; don't think of going for relationship counselling with an abusive man.
Women's Aid are on 0808 2000 247. It might well be useful to talk to them, and discuss your options.

EweAreHere · 08/01/2017 22:29

Your updates re the incidents indicate that he has actually been physically violent towards you: he's hit you and he's thrown you down, leaving you screaming.

Cancel the marriage counseling advice. You need to find a safe way to leave.

Ilovecaindingle · 08/01/2017 22:29

Do you realise if you had crashed the car today because of him your kids could have been killed?
You have a duty to protect them from harm - and if that means from their df then that's what you must do.

It is your responsibility. ..

Purplebluebird · 08/01/2017 22:30

Threatening physical violence is abuse, and you need to phone Women's Aid for some good advice. Please get out before it gets worse. Don't go to counselling, he won't be fixed.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2017 22:31

Ludo,

Both incidents you write of would be seen as domestic violence within the home with his actions being rooted in power and control.

If anyone leaves here it should be him. You need legal advice asap because knowledge after all is power. You are also not as powerless as you think you are.

You are not overreacting at all; I think if anything you have underreacted and wanted to please. I think you are beginning to find out exactly the type of person you are married to. I've already mentioned the boiled frog analogy and I think he has also upped the power and control antes against you over a period of time too.

Your children will become more aware of what their dad is like over time and already you state he rather be playing with his PS4 than interact with his children. What does that tell you about him not to mention the fact that he is shouty and moody with his children as well and berates them for the most minor accident. They are also going to grow up frightened of him, walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. Do not do that to them.

heyday · 08/01/2017 22:37

You have to keep a very close eye on the situation. Having children changes life in unimaginable ways and it really can be hard to cope with it all at times. However, when physical violence or real threats of it emerge then things become much more dramatic. You should write down these incidents so you have a record of them incase you need to refer back to them later on.
You could casually ask him if he is happy at the moment or if he is feeling stressed and see what the reply is. Do it casually so that he doesn't feel cornered or pressured for an answer.
It's sad that you say you have no friends. Is that no friends at all or none that you can confide in about your marriage?
It honestly sounds as if he is not coping with marriage and family life and is lashing out physically and verbally.
You need to make sure that you and dc are safe. Monitor the situation closely and if you are beginning to become more concerned about threatening behaviour then call a domestic violence charity for a chat and some support.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2017 22:43

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. He crossed that line with you the first time he laid his hands on you. There is no excuse or justification for what he has done here. It is not your fault he is like this towards you either.

I would be calling Womens Aid now for additional support ludo particularly as there have already been violence against you in your home.

Original poster

iloveludo · 08/01/2017 22:46

I have no friends as I'm quite introverted and struggle to form close friendships, he's had no input or influence over any friendships of mine.

I'm in my room crying at the realisation that it's not me overreacting or being stupid and that I may very well be facing a future separation for the sake of my children.

As a 17 year old my first ever relationship was emotionally/verbally and at times physically abusive I got out after 2 years and vowed to never have someone treat me that way again. How could I be fooled and be with someone and have children and not see this

I don't even know if he would willingly leave as the mortgage is in my name (he had bad credit) but his df gave us the deposit and therefore the means to buy a home. In past arguments he's stated the house to be his because of the money from his df .

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 08/01/2017 22:48

He can state what he wants about the house; it doesn't make it true.
Very few people seek out an abusive partner, it's the boiled frog theory as a PP said.

tipsytrifle · 08/01/2017 23:46

Thank you for sharing those two incidents. This man sounds obnoxious and abusive. I think you should speak with Women's Aid though it can be hard to get through to them .. others will know the number off by heart but a google will find it quickly enough. Your name is on the mortgage but of course this doesn't mean he will leave peacably. Perhaps you need some more time to come to terms with what sounds like a relationship you should be leaving as soon as you can get head and heart around it all. Try and get some legal advice to help in clearing your head around decisions you might choose to make.

You are NOT over-reacting at all; the tears will be both cleansing and truth-spilling. I'm sorry for your pain, I truly am. But this situation is shit isn't it? And your mind is already half way out the door ... you already know ...

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 09/01/2017 00:02

This is not acceptable. Please get out now.

CatBallou2 · 09/01/2017 00:02

He is abusive, isn't he. You're slowly revealing how nasty he is. Don't spend the rest of your precious life with him. You and your DC's deserve a good life, free from harm. One act of violence is one too many.

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