Not sure what to do

[iloveludo]

I feel silly posting on this but sadly for me I have no one I feel I can confide in about this as I have no friends. I have been with dh for just over 7 years married for 2 with 2 dc. Ds 5yrs and dd almost 3yrs.. he changed jobs switching to full time and I went part time this was just over a year ago and since then he's changed so much I often find myself wondering if I would be better off as a single parent. I do love him but he works long hours and whenever he's home and actually sees the kids he is constantly moody and shouts/flys off the handle at the slightest thing and I hate it as I am around the kids the majority of the time and never find myself reacting like that towards them. He would much rather play on his ps4 with his friends than actually spend time with his children.
Also today was awful I recently passed my driving test and was out today in a new car with dh and the kids so obviously a bit nervous basically we ended up bickering due to me stalling the car and being worried and he screamed at me and swore threatening to punch me and telling me to pull over at the side of the road. At that moment all I could think of was how could he treat me like that in front of the kids

I really feel quite lost and isolated I don't know what to do, I do love my hubby but honestly my children are my world and I worry this may be a damaging environment if he continues to behave like this.

After we got home he later apologised but I still feel upset about it all.

Am I over reacting?
Sorry for rambling.

None of what is happening is your fault. This man and his behaviour are not your responsibility.

You deserve better than a relationship where you are being slapped, or threatened with being punched. You can find better happiness than this. But, take it at your own pace. All courage to you! X

I have decided today I will speak with my dm and tell her everything , she lives close by and she can actually help with me access to legal advice through her work.
I didn't want to tell her what happened as she will most likely want to strangle dh but after a sleepless night I have realised I love my babies so much more and I want a safer happier environment for them even if it means telling dh how I really feel and I know it won't be easy.

Ludo,

I sincerely hope your mother will be of some help to you but equally she may well go onto disappoint you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

I would also suggest that you contact WA if you have not already done so and enrol too on their Freedom Programme as a matter of course. I mention that specifically in the context of a previous abusive relationship you had when you were only 17 years old. Your boundaries are still not quite right and this needs to be properly addressed. There's a lot of stuff here that needs to be unlearnt.

Do not try and talk to your DH about how you feel, he knows how you feel and he is not interested in your feelings. It is not your fault he is like this, you are not responsible for the actions of another person. Men like this hate women, all of them.

You are right; your babies and you do deserve a better environment and one also free from abuse.

Thank you for the advice attila,
Well my mum and dad have been together since they were teenagers very much a loving happy relationship with no domestic violence issues or anything. I'm very close to both my parents.

I do believe my first relationship experience set me up for not so much failure but it did very much permanently affect my confidence.

I have spoken to my mum and she is setting up a meeting for me with a solicitor she works with , she has told me to avoid speaking with dh until I seek legal advice she has also stated she will help me in any way possible to leave and do what's right for my dc.

Thank you everyone I genuinely believe posting here and having this advice has given me a much needed kick to realise the gravity of my situation.
I am leaving with my babies and will not put up with this anymore.

Please please please don't consider going to relate with this man. That's terrible advice. He's a violent abuser. You poor poor thing. You absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way. You need to start thinking about leaving. In your own time and in your own way. Do not share this with him at all. The most dangerous time for anyone suffering domestic violence is when they are trying to leave. Just quietly in the background start making a plan. You have to protect yourself and your children from this poor excuse for a man.

Just seen your update. Great news, well done your mum!

What an arsehole. He knows he can bully you so that's what he does. Sit him down tell him you won't put up with any abuse verbal or physical or otherwise tell him if he ever does it again you will call the police and get him removed from the house. But you would have to go through with exactly what you are saying otherwise he will think you are full of idol threats! Regardless if he paid the deposit or not he won't be able to remove you from the house he has a responsibility to put a roof over your childrens heads!!

Just a little update , I have a meeting booked with a solicitor on Friday and have been told not to let on to dh what's going on until I receive legal advice. It's been a strange and exhausting day as I flit between feeling I am doing the right thing and then feeling pangs of guilt because I'm having to lie to dh.
I will be telling him I cannot give him any more chances and forgive his behaviour. It's going to be awful and I imagine he won't take it well.

Good for you. I hope it all goes well it's hard but in the long run you will be so much better off

It sounds as if you have good support in your mum and the legal advice you have lined up. You are doing amazing by recognising this and acting so quickly. You are doing the right thing.

Well done, OP. Keep it together until you've had a sit down with the solicitor to see what your options are re proceeding.

You have the element of surprise on your side. Start getting copies of financial records, important documents, etc if you can safely. Give them to your mum for safekeeping.

You need to leave. You cannot let this man bully you!

Jesus, so glad you are doing something about this, the man is a time bomb and it's you in his firing line, he's vile, he's already making you and your kids nervous wrecks, he does it cos he can and he clearly enjoys domineering you and making you feel scared of him, what's normal about that?

I really hope you get away from him, do it for the children, he does not deserve them or you; I hate men like this, big cowards that need to bully women to make themselves feel important.

I am gathering documents and hiding them, have printed off statements and other financial evidence to give to the solicitor.
So far he doesn't seem to suspect anything is up or different. Given what happened on Sunday he's doing what he's always done after something like this and helping more/being nice I see through it now. Feel very fooled by what I have put up with over the years. I have forgiven him for so much believing there was a legitimate reason for the way he behaved. I often wonder if it's me and the way I am to have been in not one but 2 relationships like this.
Starting to feel quite ill as the week goes on and my mum believes it's the stress of the situation, she's been wonderful in giving me support and advice.
I'm nervous and quite scared about what will happen after my meeting on Friday. I only wish for things to go well/amicably for the sake of the kids.

Once you are through this and away from this abusive prick, as a PP has already suggested, contact Womens Aid and enroll to do their Freedom Programme.
It will really help you spot red flags and avoid abusive men in the future.
I'm so glad you have supportive parents and your mum is helping.
Everyone is right.
Don't let on to him until you have 'your ducks in a row'
I hope Fridays meeting goes well and you find a way to get this shitty arsehole out of YOUR house!
You are doing all the right things.
Keep going and well done!

You are being so brave and so strong. Stress can make the strongest of us feel sick as a dog- it will eventually lift when your situation is resolved, even if that is a whole away. Just remember that you are doing this not only for yourself, but for your kids and hold that head up high. I bet your parents are really proud of you.

Yes hells I will enroll as I do really need the help, I often wish I had sought out help the 1st time around but being so young at the time I guess it didn't cross my mind

finding today hard as he's being nice and we are getting along but I keep reminding myself of the times when he isn't like this. He hasn't even spoke about what happened on Sunday so I can only assume he isn't bothered and thinks his pathetic apology will be enough like previous times.

Thank you Betty, I hope they are

Please do speak to Womens Aid as soon as possible. The national supportline is 0800 2000 247 - but it's not easy to get through during the day (at night is better, but not easy if you're living with him). So try your local Womens Aid first.

The advice you've had is good so far - ie don't tell him what you're planning. But that needs to stand for a good while yet - in fact until you're safe. It is well-documented that leaving an abuser is an extremely dangerous time - I don't want to spell it out. He has already hit you. Don't tell him what you are planning. Keep absolutely quiet.

Womens Aid will help and support you to put together an exit plan that will keep you and the children safe.

Have a look for your local Freedom Programme . Do go along. YOu will meet others in the same, or similar, situation - and that in itself can be very empowering. You'll also learn about the MO of an abuser, how they do it. It is a life-changing course and you will receive high quality support and advice from the facilitators.

Please don't blame yourself that this has happened twice - it can take a long time for the effects of abuse to be adequately addressed (re your first relationship). Abuse leaves a trail - but the Freedom Programme and eg Womens Aid are marvellous for identifying how it happened, how to prevent it happening again. As a pp said, knowledge is power - you need to know more about how this happens, eg it's not enough to say you won't ever let this happen again, as you did with your first boyfriend. You need to know how to not let it happen again.

You're not alone with this - many of us are or have been in your position, sadly. Ordinary women who found themselves in frightening, confusing and soul-destroying relationships with someone they trusted but turned out to be an abuser

Thank you springy, I have found the information for the local freedom programme and will contact them when I'm able to do so as he's off work at the moment .
I have my meeting with the solicitor tomorrow so will hopefully know more about what I need to do then.he still knows nothing and that's how it will stay

I wish I had gotten help the 1st time around as my confidence and self esteem has never really recovered. My previous partner constantly called me fat/ugly/useless and lazy and when I met dh at first he was so sweet and caring and lovely and was fantastic during my 1st pregnancy and birth he didn't start to show his true self until ds was a few months old

It's so upsetting isn't it? I had nothing but awful relationships. I fell in love and married my husband bcs he was 'kind'. He started moving in with the control in a big way when I got pg...

Yes it is , I have been the same with relationships . My dh was the 1st one that treated me kindly and I very much fell for it.. a colleague at work has talked to me about how I may meet someone else as I'm still young. I just think I would rather avoid putting myself through that again and focus on my dc