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Original poster

Can he refuse to buy me out of the mortgage?

56 replies

Whathappensnowthen · 08/01/2017 14:22

We are separating. It's going to be a long process as there's lots to untangle, almost everything is in joint names, including the mortgage. I understand that neither one of us can force the other to leave the property, fair enough. I am more than happy to buy him out (finances permitting - I have an appointment coming up with a mortgage advisor to check this).

However, yesterday my husband told me that, as I was the one insisting on a separation it should be me that leaves. I don't feel any particular ties to the house, so in that sense I'm not fussed, but he doesn't want to buy me out. He just wants me to go. We have no savings, so there's no way I can go anywhere else without some kind of deposit. We have 4 young children and as a result no family or friends have room to put us up, even for a short while. Can he refuse to buy me out?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whathappensnowthen · 08/01/2017 17:35

Lorelei, he is insisting that I will have to pay for the childcare that enables me to work, currently about £1,300 per month. Currently I simply don't have any spare income to afford a solicitor after paying that plus a share of the mortgage/bills.

If we separate I will qualify for child and working tax credits, which will top up my income to enable me to afford rent/mortgage but currently our joint income means we get no benefits.

OP posts:

jules179 · 08/01/2017 17:40

Have you made things as separate as you can inside the house? eg no feeding him, no sleeping in the same bed, no washing his clothes?

I have heard that there are some circumstances where you can be assessed for benefits as a separated person even if you are still technically under the same roof.

Lorelei76 · 08/01/2017 17:40

But that's why you need a solicitor
Again I don't see how you could pay the extra mortgage if he was trying to lumber you with all bills - which he can't anyway

A solicitor will often take payment after final settlement I think?

Joysmum · 08/01/2017 17:55

Lorelei, he is insisting that I will have to pay for the childcare that enables me to work, currently about £1,300 per month

Childcare also enables HIM to go to work.

NettleTea · 08/01/2017 18:04

If you are main carer then it may not be a 50 50 split at all. You may find that you get a much bigger proportion of the house and any equity in it.
He will need to pay child maintanance
Childcare - you can get child tax credits to pay a big chunk, if you say you will be eligible for them once he goes.
You cannot afford NOT to see a solicitor

Oomph · 08/01/2017 18:13

This sounds like financial abuse. He is not sharing in the childcare cost so that you have no spare income and the freedom that it would afford. Is this not illegal?

NotDavidTennant · 08/01/2017 18:22

No, you can't legally force him to buy you out. He either has to agree to do it voluntarily or you have to divorce him and agree a financial settlement.

Original poster

Whathappensnowthen · 08/01/2017 18:27

That's a big part of our problems Oomph. I am very qualified in my field (and gained all my qualifications before having children so that it would stand me in good stead for returning to work after having them) but my husband is of the belief that, once a woman is a mother, she must stay at home. After nearly 5 years at home with the children I think he also resents the fact that I can return to work and earn almost the same as him.

Anyway, it does sound a little more complex than I thought, so I'll see if I can set up a short meeting with a solicitor somehow.

OP posts:

namechangedtoday15 · 08/01/2017 18:36

I think you need to understand the financials OP. If you are skint with only just covering the mortgage / bills etc / childcare, then what you're proposing doesn't stack up.

If you have a low mortgage (because you don't owe very much), it will increase significantly if you take the equity out. That means the mortgage payments will be higher, and if you then use that equity as the deposit on another house to buy rent, as a family, you'll then have another mortgage / rent to pay, and 2 lots of bills (council tax, utilities etc). I doubt childcare tax credits will be enough extra income to fund all those extras.

So however you think you're going to manage 2 households, you need to consider the financials before you take the next step.

You absolutely need to see a solicitor. If you can't get to see one who offers a free 30 minutes, they may do a Skype / tel con if that's easier for you.

TheNaze73 · 08/01/2017 18:40

Don't try & second guess. Take independent legal advice. Can see both sides here

Boolovessulley · 08/01/2017 18:55

I think divorce is the way forward and then the solicitor will work out a financial settlement.
It might work out better to sell the house asap, split the equity and then both of you can buy/ rent separately.

He sounds very stubborn and I'm afraid divorce can make people aggressive and bitter.

What exactly is your h proposing you do?

Original poster

Whathappensnowthen · 08/01/2017 19:11

He says I need to find somewhere to live and that if I can't afford a big enough place for me and the children then he will keep them with him.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 08/01/2017 19:22

Legally you both own the house if you are married or it is in joint names, the 'who wants to end the marriage' issue does not come into it at all. As nearly all pp have said do not leave (unless staying is placing you at risk) as it may mean you relinquish the 'main carer' status. Some solicitors will let you pay on an account basis- try phoning round tomorrow, (you are unlikely to be the only couple ever to be in this position re. finances) but you do urgently need some proper advice. So difficult OP, but hold onto the fact that (a) one day it will be worth the hassle you are going through and (b) if you have the means to earn a good income that will be worth its weight in gold

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 08/01/2017 19:24

I would be suspicious that he will get you to leave, keep the children and bin his job and make you pay maintenance whilst having restricted access to the children. So please get some proper advice

Streuth · 08/01/2017 19:31

^What SlightlyPerturbed said. Which is actually quite a disturbing scenario.

So here is another one saying "proper legal advice" from a solicitor - even if you have to beg borrow or steal to pay for it. £200-£300 spent now on some essential preliminary legal advice could save you thousands and thousands and much heartache later. If it takes you a few weeks to get it so be it. Don't do anything hasty until you have this under your belt.

mirokarikovo · 08/01/2017 19:36

Don't leave the security of an owned home (even only owned with a mortgage) to go into rented with 4 children. Rented is way more insecure and could be an massive nightmare. You need the house. Can you rearrange the children so that you have your own room and separate your lives as much as possible? There's a useful article here about what you need to do to be considered separated.

Trifleorbust · 08/01/2017 19:53

Tell him he is wrong and you are not leaving, full stop.

Boolovessulley · 08/01/2017 22:09

Yes good idea, can you sleep on one of the children's rooms or put two of them on together!
Likewise take the advice up thread to separate your hs belonging from your own.
If you have two bathrooms put all of your things into just one and his into the other.
Stop cooking meals for him etc.
I too would be wary of him last king in his job.
My ex did this, the ow went from not working to working full time and voila! He pays zero maintenance,

It will all be worth it for you in the end, trust me.

I do know of a woman who claimed child tax credits whilst still on the same property as her now ex.
He was the same and refused to move.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2017 22:22

Do NOT leave. And seek legal advice even if you have to borrow or put it on a credit card.

The issues surrounding the disposition of the marital home are numerous in the 'best' of separations/divorces. In the cases (like yours) where there is NOT cooperation the problems are legion.

Absent a court order:

1-Neither can force the other to leave.
2-Neither can force the other to 'buy them out'.
3-Either can attempt to force the sale of the family home.
4-Either can attempt to claim 'primary care' of the children and request a Mesher order.

If your DH doesn't want to buy you out, you cannot make him. All you can do in that case is force the sale of the home via a court order. Conversely, he cannot make you leave and walk away with nothing. You are due a share of all marital assets, not just the house, even if you've been a SAHM, even if they are in his sole name.

Refinancing a mortgage can potentially double or treble your monthly mortgage payment, depending on the mortgage balance and the amount refinanced.

You cannot afford NOT to get legal advice AND financial advice. You would be foolish to attempt to do this on your own.

WhippinPiccadilly1 · 08/01/2017 23:10

Just some advice on the tax credits front - please claim these now. Yoy are separated. You are entitled to them.
Additionally, from April 2017, you can only claim for 2 children, regardless of the fact you already have 4 children. The new tax credit rules mean that for any new claims after this date (as well as any children born after this date) only 2 will be paid for. Trust me when I say, you need to claim them now. At the very least, before April.

IHaventStoppedCravingYet · 09/01/2017 07:38

I work in mortgages for a high street bank. The issue you are going to have with either buying the other out is demonstrating affordability for a bigger mortgage in a sole name. Since the changes to mortgage regulation a few years ago the way we assess affordability has changed. Without knowing your full situation, comments like no savings, overdrafts maxed out suggest that the change of borrowers with additional lending would not succeed. I think you need to make time to see a solicitor and find out your options legally. Even with court ordered maintainence factored in, I can't see this proceeding. With 4 DC I don't think this is a separation you will be able to handle informally. But I'm in awe of how you manage 4 school runs to different schools

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/01/2017 07:54

He says I need to find somewhere to live and that if I can't afford a big enough place for me and the children then he will keep them with him

My first question when I read this was how did he plan doing the school run if he was at work full time but then it was answered in the next few posts. He definitely sounds like he will bin his job.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/01/2017 08:26

Sorry, but you can't afford not to have legal advice.

For a start, the children aspect is hugely important, but you only just - almost parenthetically - mention them is your last paragraph. Wherever they are living is the priority. If, as seems likely, you're their primary carer, you live where they live and the courts will almost always agree with this.

Your DH is either a liar or a moron: it doesn't matter who is "breaking up the marriage" when it comes to practical considerations like this, or even when filing for divorce.

Stop listening to twunt. Start listening to somebody who is on your side and knows what they're talking about.

Freedom2017 · 09/01/2017 08:33

Be really careful. I left for two nights and when I returned, ex wouldn't let me back in the house and I had to take legal action. It also came back to bite me later re who was the main carer for the children.

Do not leave with the children and do not leave on your own even if you are at the end of your tether.

Isetan · 09/01/2017 08:36

He's angry and bitter and right now his sole aim is to maintain the status quo by being obstructive. Do not leave the property and get legal advice.

It isn't as simple as getting a bigger mortgage, you would both have to demonstrate to a bank that you could afford the increase in repayments whilst on a lower income and that's not factoring the inevitable interest rate rises in the near future.

You really do need to speak to professionals

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