My partner is Indian and I am White British

[brightonrockk]

I have met someone at University, we're both 19 and have been together for a year. I met him in halls so for the first 9 months we were living together. I am deeply in love with him, and I know he loves me too.

He comes from South India, where he lived for the first 8 years of his life before his family moved to the UK for work and education reasons. They have since moved back due to the ill health of my partner's Grandmother, but his parents were always planning to move back as they really belong in India. That's where they're currently living although they come back and forth at present to sort out the move.

They are very conservative, the mother especially. His father is less so. I am very in the dark about how they really feel about me - it's not something my partner really discusses with them for avoidance of confrontation (which has become especially important to him since his Grandmother's illness) - so I apologise for lack of real detail.

His mother hates him being in a relationship full stop. My partner has a twin, and he also has a girlfriend, but she is Indian. His mother doesn't want to know about her either. His Mum has told him something along the lines of if he doesn't marry an Indian she wants nothing to do with him (I think this is when he first told her he has a girlfriend though so may have been very heated once she found out that on top of that I'm white). His Dad has said that "it must be a good thing if [I] make [my partner] happy". His Dad once said something about having me over for dinner, his Mum doesn't even want to set eyes on me.

My partner recently went back to India to see his family. When he went he refused to skype me apart from on Christmas day where he said he had to go after 15 minutes. He wouldn't skype me in fear of upsetting his Mum.

I don't know what to do, I feel very in the dark about this and completely out of my comfort zone. We make each other so, so happy. I would like to move in with him next year, but being at University means his parents will be paying part of the rent and so the decision is really up to them. I know when my partner asks the answer will be no.

Sometimes I get very worried about what our future holds. I love him, really love him, and I can see a future with him, but I'm unsure as to if and how a relationship can flourish if his parents are going to do everything in their power to stop that.

He is a very loyal son. His parents sacrificed a lot for him to have a good life, and he knows that. The last thing he wants to do is upset them. They are ultimately his priority. I've asked him "if they told you right now to dump me, would you?" and his answer was "Right now? No". But what if when we finish university they tell him, what if they force him into it? I feel scared. I know nothing about how Indian parents see relationships - it's an alien way of thinking to someone who's grown up in a very western world.

His parents were an arranged marriage, my Dad was divorced when he met my Mum and they married after 4 years of courting. His Mum won't look at me, my parents let him sleep in my bed when we visit them. His Mum wants him to marry an Indian girl, my parents would be happy if I married an Indian girl, black man, or non-binary albino as long as there's love. We're from different worlds.

All I know is this:
We love each other.

I guess I'm posting because I don't know if anyone has any experience with this. I want his Mum to meet me, talk to me about my plans in life and maybe try and see me as being good for him. Both myself and my partner have equally high career ambitions and put our studies first, I want him to succeed more equally as much as I want myself to and support him all the time in doing that. I get him food and cook him healthy meals when he's snowed under with work. I clean his flat and get him medicine when he's ill. I hold him when he cries. I don't want some cultural barriers (that, may I add, my partner does not agree with.. it's only his mother) to tarnish a beautiful relationship. How much do I push this? It's stressful for him to be torn, do I cave to his mother's wishes to help him or do I stand up for us? Will this get better? How long? I would LOVE to meet his parents and talk to his Mum about spices, his Dad about recent technology developments. I'd love to help his Mum in the kitchen and play cards with his father. How do I show them as being worthy for their son? Will that ever happen?

I feel so helpless. Am I being silly?

My DH has quite a few Indian friends due to the industry he works in.
The majority of them have had European girlfriends but they married women from their own ethnic background.
I'm not saying it can never work but more often than not it doesn't and even when it does it's hard

The advice here is mostly practical, as it needs to be

I completely agree, but it's still hard not to think of what would have happened on here, had the objection to the match come from the white poster's family, rather than her Indian BF's

It is racism, of course it is. My son is kind, educated, good prospects. We are a respectable, wealthy family. If he were Sikh, rather than white, they would probably think he was an ideal match.

The girl herself was lovely, kind, gentle, funny, very much like one of my own daughters. I imagine she was brought up by people with very similar values to our own. Except we are not racist.

And I don't even think religion is a valid excuse. She told us her parents never even go to temple. We are practising, church going Christian, but I would always prioritise my children's happiness.

It strikes me that we all accept this cultural racism, or at least don't condemn it

I does sound all wrong, I grant you. But the problem with intercultural marriages is when you don't know the unwritten rules of the culture you have married into. For example, reading LuchiMangsho's post, that is serious stuff having the inlaws descend on you for months on a time. Or as someone else mentioned, always obeying your MIL.

So the matriarch may well realise the ongoing problems involved in intercultural marriages and want to save her son and the family from this heartache.

But see I don't see it as my in laws 'descending' on me. They are always welcome in my home as are my parents. Because at this moment I am hospitalised and might be for another 10 weeks. MIL has come despite suffering in the cold. She has cooked, cleaned, taken DS to school and visited me daily in hospital during the day with food. In return I have to ignore some of her mad superstitions etc.
It is costly to fly here and UK visas are expensive so when my parents come as well they stay for a while. We don't mind because this is the only way the kids get to know their grandparents. BUT life is run on our terms for the most part. DH and I are quite 'Western' for the lack of a better way of putting it. I don't do religion, I wear shorts around the house, we have a glass of wine with dinner occasionally (my in laws don't drink and keep their opinions to themselves) etc. I think if they turned up for long periods and were unhelpful and critical of our lifestyle I would indicate my unhappiness to DH and he would put a stop to it.

And I never obey my MIL! She is slightly scared of me I think! But again if she expected that DH would squash such nonsense. I think the key though is that DH and I are united in our expectations.

arlene you must be an incredible person. So sad you had to go through that.

You've had some excellent advice here. And I'm sorry to be blunt,because you sound very sincere and caring.

You say you are completely in the dark as to how they feel about you. That's not true, you know exactly how they feel about you.

His mother hates you . Not you as an individual but what you represent.

His father tolerates you as he knows that you are just a wild oats relationship. As he said, you are making his son happy ( by providing domestic and sexual services and emotional support ) while he studies . You clean his flat, cook his meals, look after him when he's ill.

And his parents know that when he graduates, he will marry a suitable girl of their choosing. So Assuming that you are now in second year, your relationship will end in 18 months time.

Yes he will be devastated, he will sob and weep and say he has no choice and you are forcing his to choose between him and his mother. And that she will kill herself if he doesn't go ahead. And his family will be shamed in their town and his fathers business will fail and he will kill himself too. And his sisters will be unable to make a good match and all this will be YOUR FAULT and how can you treat him like this ? Surely if you loved him you would understand ?

So off he will go and you will be broken heated. And you will have compromised your time at university for this relationship. Because you are already doing so much for him to prove to him and his family how great you are, to show you are worthy.

So if you decide to stay with him for the next 18 months , you need to accept that this is 99% certain how it will end.

And you also need to accept him as he is and stop trying to change him to fit your family's and cultural values. He has told you what he is -a good Indian son. Please listen to him.

And , whatever happens, read Arlenes terrible story and do not under any circumstances get pregnant in the hope that it will make him commmit to you. It won't.

I couldn't agree wth Luchi Mangsho more. My liberal middle class Indian parents who are professors in their respective fields batted not an eyelid as I married white DH from Britain - indeed booked us a wonderful hotel in my home town in India when I first took my white boyfriend home to meet them as their flats would be way too cramped. Bought us house warming gifts when we started living together before we got married.

Same social class here in the U.K. - polar opposites. Holding on to the idea of home creates a massive sense of 'tradition ' and right and wrong in the diasporic community. It's actually a well studied phenomena in sociology and anthropology

You are worth much more than being a domestic slave and providing sexual experience to this little boy in a man's body. His family are as educated and as sophisticated as a turd. Racism is racism. Dump his using arse.

It's a strange thing reflecting on my 1st love from the perspective of my 40s!

I don't regret it in many ways as he was a lovely guy and we had good times. The break up was hard and I felt used and abused because he didn't see me as his forever partner.

But I don't know if I can blame his family and culture entirely. There's a degree to which a first serious relationship often has a mismatch of expectations between the man and the woman. It's fairly common for the woman to want to settle down and the man not to be ready to commit and this is possibly just an extreme version of a common issue.

I think I pretty much always thought of any relationship beyond a ONS or brief fling as possibly leading to marriage and kids but I think many men don't. I personally can't be with someone for months or years without the possibility of a permanent future but if I had been able to accept that then in many ways it was an ideal first relationship.

I am glad I didn't make any sacrifices for the relationship but I actually don't think he would have let me. At the point where decisions needed to be made about applying for jobs in the same place, getting a house together that's when I gave him an ultimatum and he picked his mum. I don't think he had actually ever promised me otherwise we just had different assumptions. I know he was very conflicted about it and actually it was him who failed his finals over it and not me so I don't think he was coldly using me.

We are distant friends now but when we first split and were both single he would tell me he still loved me and always would. I took that to be a failed attempt to get me to continue sleeping with him but now that I am over the idea of one soulmate for life I think it might have been true.

I don't regret our relationship and equally I don't regret not being married to him (even though he is very rich now!) It would have been very hard and marriage is hard enough without that extra pressure.

So OP maybe you don't need to run for the hills if you are capable of just enjoying it for what it is but if you want this relationship to have a long term future you are probably wasting your time.

This thread is making me really sad. Remember how it feels to be 19 and in love? The OP is not going to listen is she? She thinks it will be different for her.

Yes, Tinkly

It's making me think about things I haven't thought of in years!

Aged 19 I think I believed that if you were in love it was forever and it was the most important thing.

Now I can actually see the wisdom in an arranged marriage! Similar outlooks on life, attitudes and values are what makes a relationship work long term.

Absolutely superb post Kr1stina

Also agree that OP is unlikely to listen - come to that, where is she? - but all anyone can do is try to support her in avoiding even worse heartbreak

feel completely out of my comfort zone
This is your gut instinct issuing a warning.

I want him to succeed more equally as much as I want myself to and support him all the time in doing that.
I am not sure I understand this. Are you saying you are investing (time/resources) in his academic success as a priority over your own academic success? If so, this is a clear mistake on your part, huge mistake.

I get him food and cook him healthy meals when he's snowed under with work. I clean his flat and get him medicine when he's ill. I hold him when he cries. And also have sex with him, I presume. You are his mother personal assistant, sex partner, cook and house keeper, life coach and counsellor...and all for free.
No wonder then: "if they told you right now to dump me, would you?" and his answer was "Right now? No". Of course not right now, how sweet it is (a wee bit sarcastic, sorry).

But later? Your gut instinct is telling you that later will be quite the opposite. Listen to it. The stories on this thread serve to validate that truth.

I agree with previous posters who say you are the "good enough for now girl". Please do not think that all of your compassionate, academic, household, emotional support, etc., will create a contract that he will "owe" you. It simply doesn't work that way. You are being used.

You get him food, cook, clean, get him medicine...etc...
Why are you so eager to do all of this when you should be doing 110% on your own degree? That could be seen as a bit of self-sabotage. Do you have a need to people please? Or do you get some sort of satisfaction/validation of being a provider for him? Does it make you feel superior (you cater to him as though he were a wee puppy)? (I have very little sympathy for him as, imho, he is using you.)

I understand how much you love your partner and believe he loves you, but be very very careful to keep your own life intact - make sure you have a good job of your own and your own place to live and your own circle of friends with whom you keep up good contact.

Your partner may be brave enough to stand up to his mother, but he may not be. And it is certainly possible that his home culture might mean his family comes before any personal consideration of his own.

Well I agree with much of bandplayedon...not sure that the boy is consciously using you or is in love with you, the freedom, the sex...but I feel that he knows that he will not challenge his mother and her cultural beliefs. So, op, what say you to all of the responses??

Please listen to Jaagojaago.

I think the fact that your DP refused to Skype you when he was there tells you everything you need to know.

I think the OP isn't coming back and perhaps the unanimous 70 messages in response have given her the answer she needs

Thank you puzzled no one has ever called me superb before

challenge his mother and her cultural beliefs

If an Indian poster were here asking advice about her white boyfriend's mother who rejected her on the grounds of her skin colour/nationality/religion I think we'd all be using the word 'racist.'

And there'd be a great deal of frothing.

So let's not pussyfoot about. The mother is a bigot at best.

OP, you really don't want to start married life feeling prejudiced against because of the colour of your skin or your religion or your passport.

Your boyfriend shows precious little inclination to take your side.

Choose your own happiness, not his, and walk away.

brightonrocck
a suggestion. Take it easy. You are just 19. see how things are evolving.

Do not transform this beautiful love story into a power struggle between you and his mum. If you are still together in two years time then maybe you must start learning about their lifestyle and culture and religion. That might help you getting closer to him. Of course he would also have to make efforts to bridge the cultural differences, otherwise it will not be a very beautiful love story. Goo Luck

Another thing: turn to RL friends of your age -especially to the ones who know both of you- for advice.

Thanks jayfee. He may be an innocent, quite sheltered under mummy' s ample wing. Or, as evidence from the numerous stories of the yes-now/no-later dynamic, he may have been clued in to the possibility he now enjoys.

OP, please understand that declarations of "I love you". are can be just lip service to tell you what you want to hear to maintain this advantageous situation for himself. Actions speak louder than words. The skype insult is the truth here. Do not minimize it..." the loyal son" in action.