Laura Doyle -the surrendered wife

[personalisedmummy]

I'm just wondering if anyone has read any of her books or blogs? And if you have practiced any of the principles

If I started following that daft book I'm pretty sure DH would think I needed my meds changed or sectioned.

I had a friend who willingly went down the surrendered wife route, haven't seen her for years because ultimately he was a controlling twat, decided they were moving away and told her that she was going to cut all ties with her life here - including her own family. She went.
That's where it can lead.

Hm, that makes me wonder. Maybe anyone who finds it makes their lives easier should check if their DH is emotionally abusive, controlling type. I suppose if you are with one and have decided to try to make the best of it (and many women do stay with such men, for various reasons) then this sort of advice might make life more bearable ? But don't try to sell other women on it being an ideal.

'Practiced the not moaning and appreciation ' - good advice for every member of a family, not just The Wife.

There was an episode of wife swap years back with a surrendered wife.

Barely an existence let alone a fulfilling life.

I don't think any responsible adult really has the option to relinquish financial decisions. I'd love to never have to think about money or balance the budgets but it's a necessary part of being a grown up. I know two women who have been tragically and unexpectedly widowed - you need to have the basic skills to run a household and manage your life. I don't mean you should only have these skills in case of tragedy striking, I think it's important not to be infantilised in general. I don't understand the appeal of this way of living at all.

It's a pretty simple relationship concept (better communication and appreciation for your spouse) underneath a lot of 1950's clap trap about women keeping in their place.

You could read a thousand other relationship books or go to counseling and get the same advice without the misogyny.

Surrendering finances to someone because they are a man is ludicrous and, if they are a controlling man, it's downright dangerous.

I think I posted on another thread about this that if I had "surrendered" to DH we would now have a really horrible bathroom floor

I HATE it when people respond to this topic with the assertion that these 'principles' are just outlining how good partners treat each other. Erm, no. If they were outlining principles of mutual respect, the book wouldn't be called 'The Surrendered Fucking Wife' now, would it? These are clearly unilateral principles, outlining how a woman should behave in a marriage. As such, they are profoundly sexist.

Just popping back in to see if the OP has been back.

Quelle surprise, they have not.

The thing that really pees me off about people who hand over responsibility for their whole life is that they are very quick to cry for sympathy when it goes wrong. It's all "I didn't realise" etc
Well no, because you opted out of being an adult.

It's garbage and a really good way of putting yourself in the most vulnerable position possible when/if divorce comes around.

thanks for the link Offred, I see that was 2001 I wonder what has happened since.

Just googled this because I've never heard of her. Fucking hell 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bloody good thing I didn't surrender the household decisions to XH. He was an idiot. Probably still is, but at least he's not my idiot any more.

Friend's husband just dumped her after 50 years to go find himself and she has nothing. No home and £50 a week pension. Everything was in his name and he exported all of his cash abroad so she couldn't get it.

Spot on Mermaid.

Is that you Laura?

It's a bit of a con... b/c who would stay "surrendered" if they found out their husband was trying to piss away all the family savings on a gambling habit or a mistress, or had been kiddy fiddling?

Not being a bossy obnoxious control freak is a good idea, of course. I think the "surrendered" idea has mostly been promoted by people whose instincts otherwise are towards being the bossy control freak in their relationships, and they don't know how to let go, live and let live without an ideology to tell them how.

From wiki:

There is no such thing as an adult who can entirely subvert themselves to another person. That's called slavery and I think we abolished that several hundred years ago." She also claimed that "If a man wants that sort of relationship, he actually doesn't want a relationship, he wants a doll. He wants a puppet, he wants total control and that's not the definition of a relationship."[5]

Its a way of living out a fantasy that you are with a big strong, protector. It's easy. No matter what he does that is weak or stupid, or putting you and/or your children in jeopardy, you shut your mind to it and pretend he is your lord and master.

Yasmin A-B seems to have been a bit less positive about surrendered wives in recent years.

www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/yasmin-alibhai-brown/yasmin-alibhai-brown-if-girls-are-aping-kate-and-kim-were-in-trouble-7986009.html

I haven't read this book and don't really intend to, but the impression I get is that if people need to change themselves to "act" in a certain way, then the whole set-up will inevitably fail because it will always be a gimmick.

Having said that, I know many women with husbands who take care of all the finances. It often happens with very high earning husbands with SAH wives, where money is constantly being moved about between different companies, funds etc. I have been in this position for many years. I hold my hands up and admit that I have no idea of how our finances are run on a day to day basis. I can only live like this because DH is not weird or controlling about money at all and I do know that myself and our DC would not be left high and dry in the event of a split - so maybe that's the difference between being a "surrendered" wife or not! I can see why some people may be appalled at this though, but it's the way it panned out for us and it is what it is.

I think all couples naturally have areas where they tend to take or relinquish control, just because of their individual personalities and circumstances. I don't see why an "act of surrender" needs to be made out of anything.