Help me please i'm at a loss.

[Saffron2020]

I will try to explain the best I can.

Me and my DH have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We get on well love each other very much, I just have one problem.

My DH is incredibly opinionated he researches many things to a massive degree so its not just he decided something for no reason. However once that decision is made its kinda the be all and end all of it. He says he doesn't mean to but a lot of the stuff he says comes across as if you don't agree with his point your an idiot.

This is always been the case so i really don't get into conversation with him about politics or anything like that as its just not worth it.

My problem is he is talking a lot about the environment at the moment and global warming. I don't disagree with his opinion on it at all and I think they are very serious issues. But what he is saying is that he is scared for the future of our children and the world they are going to grow up in. So much so he can't justify going on a plane to our holiday next year.

Now this is a massive family holiday my mum and dad are paying the majority of it, there is all our family, sisters family and brothers family going so its cost them an absolute fortune - my DH happily accepted when first discussed last year.

Now he is saying he won't go when i have talked to him about this and that two flights won't make that much difference compared to the enjoyment the whole family would have. His response to that is if every person did this there would never be a change which is true i suppose. I have not mentioned it in a few weeks because last time I did he said i was forcing him to do something he found morally wrong.

I wouldn't change my morals so why should I expect him to?

The problem i'm facing is telling my parents they have saved so long for this and are really excited. They haven't actually paid yet so there will be no monetary loss on this, but they wanted everyone there they won't understand this reason and I know it will cause conflict. In the recent Brexit vote my DH and mum voted different ways and that caused some issues as my mum got offended by some of his comments but they agreed to just never discuss again. This however can't just be brushed under the carpet as such.

Also how am i meant to explain to the kids that Daddy in not going?

I have a very strong relationship with my mum and i'm scared about whats going to happen when he tells her he is not going and the reason why. I suffer from anxiety depression and panic attacks and I just can't stop thinking about this its overwhelming me.

Please help what should I do?

Going against the grain here.

Your DH is right that air travel is terrible for the environment. He's got the right to stand up for his principles even if his small stand isn't going to make a difference. If we all did the same then it would make a difference.

You wouldn't ask a vegetarian to eat meat would you? This is a similar thing, surely.

Why are you scared of your parents' reaction? Are they controlling and difficult as well? Or are you worried because they don't know your husband is like this and you might have to reveal it?

Amber have you read the full thread?

Sorry he's coming up with even more excuses to you.

Personally I can understand as wouldn't want to go on a vacation like this but then I'd have said it since day one second one (nicely and politely of course, and getting excited about everyone else's plans!)

Given his general personality I don't think the vacation is your biggest issue. Have you ever had counselling Saffron?

OK I hadn't read the OP's post at 10.37 when I posted. Hmm it does sound like he's making excuses now!

"There is zero chance he will be discussing it with my parents - trust me this will make things 100 times worse. "

Why will it make it worse? Do you parents suspect what he's like and you don't want him to prove them right?

I don't understand why you are making yourself the buffer and are scared by your parents' reaction. Sounds like your parents and your husband have similar personalities and you've never stood up to any of them.

Also, have you always suffered from anxiety depression and panic attacks, or have those things started since you were married? Your husband doesn't sound like someone who is easy to live with.

In the end with my mil we agreed that family and fish are good for three days (a saying suggested by my mum). We don't do more than that any more. Better to have a conversation with your mum where you say 'look, DH is fine for a few days, but let's all be honest you won't get on for longer than that. He's not prepared to commit right now which I think means he's reluctant to come for so long and that's no good to you if you want to book. I'd rather come on my own with the kid as I don't think he'll enjoy it and I'll enjoy it more not having to be piggy in the middle'. As a compromise could he come for A week of it. Any good?

And on the subject of diet, has he really researched Quorn ? If so , why would he put that in his mouth ?

klassy - I have has some (limited) counselling but I am having a really hard time with being made redundant and financial issues which is more important than this issue so not really talked about it.

LostSight - The depression and panic attacks started around 3 years or so ago but i've had anxiety most of my life. He is not easy to live with for this reason only but it is a small part of our relationship other than this he pretty much is the perfect husband.

trollspoopglitter - Mum is a really hard one to explain to be honest. She is the best mum ever and i love her to absolute bits she has supported me emotionally and financially my entire life. However she can take some things to heart and become a little overally sensitive. She can feel hurt or betrayed very quickly and I know this will most defiantly up set her. I would do just about anything to avoid upsetting my mum.

The reason i wouldn't let my DH do the telling is my DH would matter of fact tell her he is not going and list every reason above without care or consideration to how it might make her feel. My mum would see this as he hates her or disrespectful that shes offering to take him on holiday and he has declined without care or consideration on the reasons why.

Your right I am placing myself as a buffer no I dont stand up to either of them and I am scared of the fall out that will happen. For example my mum fell out with a family member before who now is no longer allowed to visit my mums house at all. I can just imagine this whole thing escalating quickly and my mum banning my DH from our sunday dinners for example.

Basically to round it off i'm a chicken i want to keep the peace with everyone and there be no issues between my mum and my DH but im living in la la land i think

"Something to do with America (this is where were going) are looking to ask you to provide all networking details and will view your posts and history. Again he didn't go into a lot of detail said something about it being optional but that could change and if it was enforced he wouldn't go. Not because he has anything to hide (he doesn't, rarely uses anything like fb twittter etc) but the principle of it".

He is wearing his tin foil hat here. Its being used as a further excuse and a poor one at that not to travel to the US.

I think Saffron that you subconsciously went on to marry a man just like your parents are, particularly your mother (who sounds very much like your H).

Your own policies of keeping quiet and appeasement of these people have just led you into becoming more unhappy. You have basically been taught by initially your mother and subsequently by your H that your own needs do not matter therefore you never express them. Its all about what either your parents or your H want i.e their own needs being met at the expense overall of yours.

He just doesn't want to go. That's completely reasonable, my DH wouldn't want to go on that holiday either, though we do holiday with my family to other destinations. His forceful, frankly arsey,
opinions are half the problem and your mum's over sensitivity is the other half. It's not actually a problem that he doesn't want to go.

He doesn't want to go OP.

And he is coming up with excuses Left right and centre. Not great behaviour, but tbh, with your anxiety and your mum sounding a tad unhinged (another member of a family not allowed to dawn her doorstep after a fall out?!), I can't say I blame him

Oh dear. Do you have the option of any more counselling? I appreciate it's not free of course.

If you had 100% free reign and absolutely no one else's feelings were involved - would you want to go on this trip? Do you really like spending lots of time with your mum? It just all sounds a bit eggshelley to me.

I have one like her and have only become a happier person by completely emotionally detaching.

I also agree that you might have unconsciously repeated a pattern - which happens to a huge number of people.

No wonder you're nervous and anxious and depressed with those two around. Bet your dad's a quiet, appeasing sort too?

Why are you actively being piggy in the middle?

They should speak to each other and resolve their own issues between each other, stop being the go-between. Let them both see how unreasonable the other is.

Your DH sounds like very hard work. Personally I couldn't be arsed with his lordship and new moral principle selected every month selected to be as awkward an arse as possible. If he was made to face the consequences of his decisions ie speaking with MIL himself he might be forced to realise how anti-social and hurtful he is being.

Right now you are a buffer and are protecting him from facing the consequences of his actions when he reads the hurt he causes others.

He wins either way- two weeks at home by himself without kids? Where do I sign up?

Honestly, none of them can be helping your anxiety and depression, they all sound awful.

I'm actually wondering if uour husband fully intends to go but he's just doing this to bully you and cause you further anxiety. He's certainly not supporting you or helping you.

You know what this could be a blessing in disguise. Imagine what a miserable holiday you would have had with DH moaning about not being able to eat Quorn ( yuk ) and Trump all the time!

Go and enjoy your holiday OP.

Bet your dad's a quiet, appeasing sort too? He absolutely is!!!

If you had 100% free reign and absolutely no one else's feelings were involved - would you want to go on this trip? - 100% yes I would this is not our first holiday like this (my mum is very generous) yes she can be a little emotional at times its a small fault but not one that would stop me going on holiday with her.

And he is coming up with excuses Left right and centre. Not great behaviour, but tbh, with your anxiety and your mum sounding a tad unhinged (another member of a family not allowed to dawn her doorstep after a fall out?!), I can't say I blame him - I get this but sorry to say this made me feel ten times worse at no point has my anxiety been mentioned as a reason he doesn't want to go holiday, I'm now worried it is and just not said anything

He wins either way- two weeks at home by himself without kids? Where do I sign up? - So true.

People make fantastical assumptions on these threads, sometimes based on them seeing themselves as Mystic Meg. You can ignore them. You can tell them it's not like that at all. You can mull it over and consider whether or not they have a point. If you prefer you can give them a biscuit. You DON'T have to assume they know the truth and you don't. Would you seek CBT for your anxiety? You seem tormented by self-doubt.

Tell him to save his 2 weeks holiday to spend with the DCs when you take your break.

Maybe he finds 2 weeks with your parents would be too much for him.... but used the carbon footprint as an excuse to avoid hurting your feelings.

All the excuses regarding Trump and other stuff are just excuses. The money isn't going to Trump and he knows it.

I would ask him to be truly honest about why he doesn't want to go. Then you can tell your mum whatever reason, to try and avoid the upset.

I take it he doesn't have or would never take a job involving air travel then? Or he wouldn't attend a wedding of someone if it required air travel?

If everything else in your relationship is fine, then I'd assume it's just not wanting 2 weeks with the inlaws and there's probably no nice way of saying that TBH.

I'm not sure how old your youngest is, but if they wouldn't really remember the holiday anyway, then leave that DC with him.
I'd do that if the child was 3 or under. It's less hassle for you.

Do you have siblings going as well?

Kittybiscuits - your post made me laugh out loud (something I need at moment) Thank you!

I have had CBT sessions and helped to a degree but the sessions I had were free and I simply can not afford to pay for more myself.

you should be able to access free NHS support locally. How many sessions did you have?

Thank you all for your posts.

Its clear to me now he just doesn't want to go - that's a little upsetting obviously for our children i'd like him to be apart of our family holiday but I need to respect his feelings.

So I am going to bite the bullet and just tell parents he doesn't want to go for various reasons but me and kids do and see what happens.

I can see why this site is so popular with you fantastic people being a part of it. Sincerely I thank you all for taking the time