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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not get why people cheat

43 replies

wonderingsoul · 07/01/2017 14:33

I just dont get it.

I know things are not black and white and can actually understand some reasons for wanting to.
That there are fuck up and making mistakes once in your life but to contine and not to learn from it

Why would you want to hurt some one.. even if you dont love them no more.. why disrespect some one who you like at least a little bit.

Its not the sex that troubles me.. i get why people would want to wnjoy that with more then one person.. its the lies and distespect ... i just dont get it all. It really bothers me.
Theres a few situatutions in real life happening around me at the moment. Wirst being a friends best friend has been sleeping with her husband for the past 11 months... its common knowlage we have tried to tell said friend but she doesnt belive it . To the point where the friends husband has kicked her out and she is now living with friend and her husband

Its horrendouse to watch and my heart breaks for he.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 07/01/2017 15:19

Because most humans aren't cut out for monogamy, and if they think they can get away with not being caught, they'll do it.

TheNaze73 · 07/01/2017 15:19

I agree with you, it's bloody awful. I understand the temptation, if a relationship is dull & the sex is boring but, to actually do it is callous.
If people can't resolve their differences, they should split. Banging other people is the easy option

Ilovecaindingle · 07/01/2017 15:22

I cheated.
I didn't respect him, I didn't love him - or even like him a little bit either.

I didn't get caught - I confessed so he would actually accept our marriage was over. I moved out and we got divorced. I finished my lover the day I left and begun my new life alone.

It is never black and white.

Don't judge unless you have walked a mile in my shoes either. .

LackingAGrip · 07/01/2017 15:29

I can see why people do it. Right now i feel totally disrespected by my husband. Nothing physical, just lack of care and attention. Someone has shown me kindness and made me feel again. I hadn't realised how bad I felt.
So by having an affair I don't feel I'm disrespecting H because he doesn't care. I'm trapped as I can't move out and he won't accept there is a huge problem with our marriage.
I wish I was in a position to not understand affairs. I really really do. But until you've been where I am you really can't pass judgement.

Original poster
wonderingsoul · 07/01/2017 15:52

ilove nothing stopped you actually going for divorce papers though.

I get there are reasons. And i get some may bot actually like their partner when they cheat.. but they once did.

Why not just end it. Or if they wont accept it over. Just tell them your going to be sleeping with some one else .

I also kind of belive as humans were not meant just for one person... and ita bot actually natural to be mongarmouse.

Its the lying and hiding it that baffles me.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 07/01/2017 15:57

Ilovecaindingle but if you wanted a divorce why didn't you just say instead of getting him to ask after confessing? Were you trying to deliberately cause more hurt?

mrsnoon · 07/01/2017 15:57

After years of physical and emotional abuse from my XH I just wanted someone to want me, to love me, to make me feel special. Lying and hiding it was the only way to actually get that instead of another smack. He had worn me down so much I was so so frightened of being alone, I didn't dare leave him.
What's the view like up there on the moral high ground?

anxiousnow · 07/01/2017 15:58

I do understand how cheating happens but your example Ilovecaindingle just sounds like spite

anxiousnow · 07/01/2017 16:00

MrsNoon your situation is different. No moral high ground to be taken.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/01/2017 16:00

I didn't respect him, I didn't love him - or even like him a little bit either

Add to that the fact that he felt the same way about me, knocked me down so far that I couldn't see a way out, made me believe that it's as good as it gets and contempt was all I deserved.

And then I met someone who offered me kindness, compassion and friendship. Something that I hadn't had for many years. He taught me that I could get out, because I didn't know that before.

Ilovecaindingle · 07/01/2017 16:01

I told him our marriage was over and it took me 2 years to accept that when I left I would have to go to court and fight over the kids - controlling bully who raped me with a 2 week old dd - I did tell him if he wouldn't be a husband to me I would find someone else. He wouldn't so I did.

Now married to a fab man.

There is life after a nightmare. .

ListenIda · 07/01/2017 16:04

Gosh, I totally get it, and I'm happily married. I've been faithful to my now-husband since we met, over 20 years ago, but I've certainly met people with whom there's been a mutual strong attraction we chose not to act on. I assume other people in my position might have chosen to act on it, but not wanted to end their marriage. It's not my thing, but I understand the excitement, and the sheer addictiveness/adrenalin/endorphins of having someone fall in love with you, and revisiting that phase of your life where you hardly ate or slept!.

Original poster
wonderingsoul · 07/01/2017 16:05

Im not taking any high ground at all mrsnoon and i am truly sorry you have been through dv.
I said i know things are not black and white.. there is obviousely going to be exceptions where there is 0 judgment at all. You did what you did to survive to keep your head above water as much as possible.

OP posts:
Vagabond · 07/01/2017 16:08

I think people who aren't trapped in marriages find it hard to understand how hard it is to feel trapped, useless, helpless and without hope.

When someone gives you a glimmer of hope and love, then I suppose things can happen. Sometimes you need the strength of a new love, a new hope to realise the dream of leaving.

Everyone who says "just leave first' is an idealist.

Because everyone who "leaves first" either didn't have someone to go to, or is desperately looking at Tinder (wondering, WTF) and wishing they had stayed with their unhappy marriage in the first place.

It is in our nature to protect ourselves. I never would have left my unhappy marriage had I not met the OM I am now married to.

Had I left my unhappy marriage as a 40+ woman with a child, my chances of meeting a nice guy and getting married again were almost zero.

So,.....there you go. it's just the truth, us unpalatable as it is.

DameXanaduBramble · 07/01/2017 16:11

Excitement. Attention. Sex. Attraction. Distraction from normal life. Companionship. Friendship. Can't leave the marriage for so many, varied reasons. They are just a few reasons, it's not difficult to imagine why someone might cheat.

CatBallou2 · 07/01/2017 16:14

It's just so hurtful when you're on the receiving end of your partner having an affair, and you've been a good person throughout the relationship. In these circumstances, you just wish that your partner had been honest enough to end things before moving on.

There are many reasons why people feel the need for comfort from someone other than their DP, but it's not always justified.

LackingAGrip · 07/01/2017 16:16

I agree with a PP. I didn't realise how bad our relationship was until I met someone else. Now I'm trapped and feeling crap.
On one hand I love the feelings that have been awakened and had forgot exist. On the other I hate those feelings because I can't truly act on them.
I also know that the someone else isn't the right person either but that sheer thrill, those butterflies, that twinkle in the eyes is addictive. I've also lost half a stone in two weeks and a bit weeks due to everything going on. Arghhhhh

DameXanaduBramble · 07/01/2017 16:18

I guess many don't want to move on though. The status quo suits them very well, thank you very much, why would they rock the boat? They get their rocks off with the exciting new partner while going home to everything that is secure in their life. Win win. Until somebody finds out.

MsGameandWatch · 07/01/2017 16:21

Because they're a bit bored, a bit dissatisfied, a bit sick of the hum drum and the opportunity presents itself, but they don't want to lose their family life.

Or they are the type that had little intention of being faithful and only got married because it was part of the procession of how life is supposed to be, it was expected of them.

Or they travel a lot and do are able to have another kind of life at the same time without it impacting on their home life.

There are of course people who would never be unfaithful no matter what but I think they're in the minority.

Personally I think it's extremely unrealistic to expect a life time of fidelity and I don't believe that the majority remain faithful throughout,

Vagabond · 07/01/2017 16:31

Lackingagrip..... look up the term: "limerance". It's a state of being out of your mind with lust/love for someone else. It is quite a thing. It does pass, but it's very hard to resist and it can literally make you lose control of your emotions.

LackingAGrip · 07/01/2017 16:50

Thanks Vagabond, I've seen that mentioned on here before.
I think I was slightly over egging it as getting carried away. I'm having a bit of a down day and remembering that made me smile.

MaybeIdo · 07/01/2017 16:58

I understand and i was faithful to my husband for 20 years. Similar to Lacking situation. I do not feel particularly loved and appreciated by my husband. I respect him and he is a good father, I have tried to address the issues regarding the non existent sex life and it has not been taken seriously. I am just expected to live with a lack of sex. I got completely sick of getting knocked back so often. It really damages your self esteem. Now I have met someone who is in his twenties, keen and willing. He has made me feel alive again.

I do get fed up with the hum drum of life too. My life is more centred around the children unlike my husband who works longer hours but gets to travel a lot.

My husband wouldn't want me to leave him.

BartholinsSister · 07/01/2017 16:59

The cheating person doesn't necessarily think they are being hurtful, they think they are preventing hurt by keeping it secret.
For some people having an affair makes their unsatisfactory relationship more tolerable, which could perversely be beneficial to the unwitting person being cheated on.

LackingAGrip · 07/01/2017 17:05

Maybeldo, are we the same person?!
The extra you have added is the same for me also. Can I ask how old your children are?

MaybeIdo · 07/01/2017 17:30

My children are young - 7 and 9.

I don't actually want to leave my husband and disrupt my children's lives. This way seems to work. I no longer ask my husband for sex and I get what I need from someone else.

Surprising we have a lot in common lacking. It's nothing I could admit to anybody. Everybody thinks our marriage is great and people would be so disgusted if they knew what I was doing.