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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH kissed someone else...

72 replies

Lolly86 · 06/01/2017 18:19

Just found out my DH has kissed someone else at work. He only told me as they've been threatening to tell me. Feel.completley blindside. We've had a lot.of problems with his depression causing major issues in our relationship but I've stuck by him. Now feel a complete mug. Don't know what to do. We've been together 8 years married for 4 and have a 3 year old DD....
So number right now

OP posts:

CannotEvenDeal · 07/01/2017 11:53

For me there'd be nothing to work out. Not because of the sex itself but because of the lying.

And the fact that he'd likely not have said anything minus the threats

Take care of yourself

Original poster

Lolly86 · 07/01/2017 18:30

I've said I'll think things through no promises. I hate the thought of our family splitting over it but I can't believe he did it. So it's tough

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2017 18:36

Ok you may as well rip the plaster off fast. So here goes. Are you sure it was just once? I'm not trying to Make it worse, simply one night stands don't tend to want to tell the wife, especially ones who work together.

Does he want you to stay together? He's told you because this woman was going to and clearly he believed she would do just that. I'm sorry but I think you need to take tonight out, think this through and then talk to him and then try to get to the bottom of this. Why was she going to tell you? What did she want? What are her expectations? Is she married? How closely do they work together? What does he want in terms if your relationship? How does he see moving forward if that's what you want?

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 18:52

When you talk things through, get a complete timeline from him. If you are going to forgive, you need to know what you're forgiving.

The duration of the affair
How it started
Any promises he made to leave you
Any previous affairs or cheating

And this is a good strategy

"You have this one chance to tell me everything (truth to my questions), because if I find out anymore, then we're definetly done."

Trickle truth (TT), can be a killer, even more so than the affair itself.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 18:56

OH and demand to know her name and contact info. I'd say she's likely to tell you a lot more considering she was threatening to tell you. There's a reason for the threats ... he may have future faked her and she's fed up.

OWs often give a deadline for him to choose between wife and the OW. Hers was likely the end of last year. .. and he's not come good, so she's mad at him.

Rory786 · 07/01/2017 22:38

Hope you are ok, OP. Hugs to you.

Original poster

Lolly86 · 07/01/2017 22:56

He says once it happened a kiss and then sex on another occasion and that is it. He started it not her but he regrets it massively .
He has said everything you would expect how sorry he is, he didn't realise what he'd got with us until he lost it, it's all his fault not mine at all, he wants us to be together, he will do anything i ask etc.
I may sound like an idiot (and perhaps I am) but I believe he is sorry and I do believe it was the once. I'm sure I'll get flamed for being so naive but I do believe this.
I'm not sure if we can get past this as the trust is gone right now. He's not shying away from blame or fault and knows the magnitude of what he's done.
It's all so confusing and I feel hurt, sad, angry disappointed and betrayed.
Going to take some time to think about what I want and if we can mend things and if it's worth it and what I can do if we don't. Thanks for all the support and advice I am listening to it.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 07/01/2017 23:11

It wasn't the once though. He has already admitted he instigated the kiss, then on a seperate occasion that he instigated sex.

He had time to feel guilty and step back after the kiss. He had time to admit and apologize after the sex. He chose not to.

It took for the OW to force his hand. He'd have given you none of this.

Original poster

Lolly86 · 07/01/2017 23:28

I mean the once as in the kiss and the sex once.
I've said this to him that he wouldn't have told me of she hadn't pushed him, and that he made that conscious choice to have sex with her it wasn't a spur of the moment thing.

OP posts:

Monkeyface26 · 07/01/2017 23:37

Just take your time. Your feelings will be all over the place. Don't rush into any decisions. The very least that he owes you is as much time as you need to decide how you feel.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2017 23:38

Why did she threaten to tell you?
Didn't she know he was married?

If you want to really know Iif it was once, tell him to do a polygraph. His reaction will be telling.

If he agrees. .. tell him you'll book it. Even if you have no intention of it. Tell him he has every chance to tell you if there's more before the test ... but if he fails it you're done.

His whole reaction and demeanour will worth noting.

Some keep the lie up until they're in the car park of the polygraph examiner. Known as 'the parking lot confession'.

Or even cheaper ... tell him you want to speak to the OW to hear her side.

Rarely do you get the truth first thing. Remember it was just a kiss. .. he confessed to.

herwegoagain123 · 08/01/2017 00:07

Honestly the minimising these men do. I really thinks its more than once. She messaged you because he's been treating her badly in some way. She is probably fully fledged OW affair or why would she bother contacting you?
Its awful.

Cricrichan · 08/01/2017 00:09

If it's someone from work it's unlikely she didn't know he's married. So to threaten to tell you if it was a one off is highly improbable. It does sound like he's been having an affair and misleading the OW.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2017 00:15

Infidelity is pretty traumatising and the desire not to split the family makes some people believe or want to believe everything the WS says.

His confession doesn't add up. Speak to her and you'll get the full story ... or threaten to and you'll get the full or fuller story.

Don't be so quick to forgive when you don't have the facts. Dollars to donuts there's more to it.

Original poster

Lolly86 · 08/01/2017 05:26

She hasn't contacted me at all. She was threatening to and that's why he told me. She did know he was married he says. But it was all.him not her doing the instigating

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 08/01/2017 05:54

Personally, it wouldn't matter if it was once or a hundred times, because that once for me is the only time that it would take to finish it. Once the trust has gone, there is nothing left. Just my opinion though. I have a friend who was sent a letter claiming her DH was having an affair with a co-worker. This happened over a year ago. She confronted him, all he would admit to was a snog at the works Christmas party. She believed him, forgave him and thought she could move on. A year later it's eating her up, because she knows it was more, but he's refusing to disclose, and she's scared to dig deeper. So her marriage is a sham.

You're in a better position than her because your DH has admitted to having sex. You now have to think carefully about whether you can forgive and move on. But he really does need to live up to his promise to do 'whatever it takes'. You need all the gaps filled, all your questions answered, total honesty. He did this, it's not your fault. The onus is on him to regain your trust. Take your time.

Many marriages survive an affair, but it is a long difficult process. Counselling might help too.

My friend's marriage will probably fail, because she's too scared to push for the answers she doesn't want to face, and he thinks he got away with telling her the minimum. The cracks are appearing and it's sad to witness.

Totally honesty on your DH's part is the first step for you. Then refection and soul searching on your part to decide if you can rebuild the trust. If you decide to walk, that's your right, and the price he pays for cheating, regardless of how many times.

Good luck.

pinkieandperkie · 08/01/2017 05:55

So sorry that you are going through this and I hope that you manage to work things out. It's a lot for you to take in and has come out of the blue so it's such a shock for you.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2017 09:02

She was threatening to and that's why he told me. She did know he was married he says. But it was all.him not her doing the instigating.

But why was she threatening? There must be a reason. She knew he was married and was willing, so why the threat? You're not getting the truth and he thinks by saying he instigated it, you'll not seek further information.

She's threatening for a reason?
Like he promised her more. A ONS doesn't expect more, especially when you know they're married.

Sorry to keep saying it. ..... but he's minimising. The good thing is he's accepting it's not fault.

I'm not saying not to reconcile, but knowledge is key.

HappyJanuary · 08/01/2017 09:18

I believed my ex when he said it was 'just once' too, but later found out it was years.

Ow don't threaten to tell their mm's wife after a one-off or quick fling. She's looking for revenge. She knew he was married, so she's not angry about that or thinking that you 'deserve the truth'.

My guess is it was a proper affair, with feelings, and she feels misled about his intentions.

To be fair, he has proven himself already to be a convincing liar already op so why on earth do you suddenly think you can tell whether he's lying or telling the truth?

She must have proof, otherwise he'd let her tell you and say she's an unhinged stalker.

Ask for her contact details, he did say he'd do whatever you want.

SVJAA · 08/01/2017 09:23

I'm so sorry OP, a kiss would be hurtful enough but sex is even worse, and so hurtful to you.
What comes next is about what you need, whatever that may be. Only you know what you are prepared to forgive (fwiw I would have left over a kiss, because betrayal is not just sex, but everyone has different ideas about what is forgivable) or if you can't forgive and want to walk away. What you need to remember is that none of this is your fault, none. I'm so sorry that he did this to you .

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2017 09:29

I'm sorry but it's a very strange story, they had one kiss, then they had sex once, then she threatened to tell you, they work together, and he believed she would tell you, so he told you, first it was just a kiss, then it was just sex once.

Obviously he had sex with someone with major issues, most people wouldn't threaten the wife after one time sex. Normally that would be a serious affair type behaviour.

Sorry op. I think he doesn't want to tell you , which I guess is understandable.

SandyY2K · 08/01/2017 09:31

*Ask for her contact details, he did say he'd do whatever you want.(

^^^^^^ This

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