Is there life after 55? - looking at being single.

[rosabug]

I'm looking at the end of my 20 year relationship, we have 1 grown up daughter now at University and I think we have done all the talking we can do. I could stay, he says he still loves me but there is no sexual relationship and hasn't been for about 6 years (his choice) and I know it will not return. However, I think it would end badly and at the moment I can barely look at him. But I am petrified of being alone. I do not have a wide circle of friends and don't make them easily. I like a man in my life and would like to think it's possible to find love again - but is it?

Hermione I have thought exactly the same thing for many years - and intimacy gap is an interesting phrase - I had never thought of it as a gap that moves and flexes depending on where I am, but that is what happens - he's also a stoic, can bear pain silently and prefers to paper over things with humour. He does come from an odd family, he is the best of 3 brothers - the other 2 having very powerful intimacy problems (I mean glaring!). I wouldn't, however say he was being noble in letting me have affairs - misguided, cowardly maybe.

I have talked to him about the intimacy thing, but he doesn't understand it - I mean I don't think he can comprehend it intellectually. There has certainly been a pattern and I have often wondered about my own place in this pattern. I don't know where we are today - the weekend started with recriminations, dialogue then some very honest talk - probably more honest than he has ever been (he struggles with emotional honesty). But we have agreed he will move out in mid- feb to a friends empty house for a few months. thankyou for your insightful comments.

Really interesting post Hermione.

Sorry Rosa, the noble comment was an attempt at mocking him, as absolutely not 'noble'. It was a win/win for him. You backed off your requests for intimacy and no doubt felt guilty and responsible for damaging your marriage further. I think the gap is something that isn't fixed, which is why its so up & down and causes you to constantly analyse. What has changed and why?
I haven't read her books but a modern author on connection seems to be Dr Sue Johnson - she does refer to "sexual distress in a relationship to being the 'canary in the coalmine', it's not the true problem - it's because the couple do not feel emotional safe with each other"

He may not be able to understand since it's likely to be unconscious and he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to relate it to.

The good news is that over recent times we have learnt the brain can be rewired, new pathways can be created so potentially patterns of interacting can be changed if there is the desire to change.

"I guess I was hoping for a bit more than brusque platitudes." Wow. Just wow.

After my grandad passed away my grandmas life has greatly enhanced. She is 80, she has a boyfriend, she can't believe how little free time she has, she goes back packing, interrailing, art classes, bridge classes, gardening, walking clubs, she's having the time of her life. Life is what you make it :-) if you want an amazing life, you have got to go get it yourself. Good luck

Frankelly yes I think this is where the image of the "Merry Widow" comes from. Women who have become finally free to do what they want to do.

Meant Frankelly not to be confused with "frankly"!

I'm in my 50s, separated 4 years ago. I've just about got used to being single - it is hard not having someone to share things with after 18 years. But on the plus side I can put as much time as I want into my career which I couldn't do before (also have a house full of older kids so don't have space to feel really lonely). For what its worth, I know of a lot of people my age who are starting new relationships and remarrying so it's definitely an option if that's what you want to do. Personally, I'm starting to think I might prefer to stay single and so far I've completely avoided dating. but I'm sure if I decide I want to try it the option will be there.

I guess I was hoping for a bit more than brusque platitudes.

Well, y'know ... I endlessly, fruitlessly hope that people stop thinking about being single as some sort of terrible fate that one needs to be specially prepared for.

I've been single pretty much for most of my life - and I'm really not one of those "single-for-a-reason" sorts of people. I am attractive, kind, intelligent, have a high-powered interesting job. Heigh ho!

But apparently the way I live my life is something that people needs special guidance & support for. Because it's so difficult & terrible.

I'm here to tell you that being single in your 50s is fantastic! I'm at the top of my game professionally, earn a shedload (relative to my field, of course - it's slim pickings in relation to the City or medicos for example), and I've gone from someone who worried endlessly about what other people thought of me to someone who does.not.give.a.toss

It hits you in your late 50s - this is all we have. Life's REALLY too short.

So chin up OP and get on with it & stop whinging.

TO this yearwill be better - thanks for that! You are dead right. I worry because I don't have a big circle of friends and am somewhat reticent, but I am strong (I'm told) and I know I will find a way.....

Of course you will!!

Just enjoy yourself, do what you want to do, and you'll find life blossoms. I'm coming to see the truth in Bernard Shaw saying youth is wasted on the young. Oh to be 20 knowing what I know now.

Indeed!! - I would eat the world, instead of being the shakey daft girl I was!

Funnily enough, I was catching up with yesterday's papers just now and each week the Saturday Times features a wedding. Yesterday, the bride was aged 62 and met her groom on OLD. She was stunning, but having said that, several of my friends parents have met partners much later in life than we are. I guess it's luck and determination

Yep. when I'm ready I'll give my best shot. I'm not afraid of the dating game.

Just a re-cap for those who are following this thread. My partner is still in the house as he can't move out till mid-feb. I go through these awful cycles - classic 5 stages of grief, all in about 48 hours, then it starts again. At 5am this morning I had a massive massive anger swing and ended up throwing a couple of picture frames at the wall (not him) - glass everywhere.

Awful. We then went into reconciliation mode and now I think I may be in 'bargaining' mode. I have suggested we can try again (he has never wanted to split) but that I want to build our sex life again, very slowly. It's a bottom line for me. I would say apart from some other frustrations this was the only thing wrong with our relationship, but it was a biggy and he dealt with it very badly and my anger and fixation with it did not help - we got ourselves in a terrible mess. But as I said I may well be in 'bargaining' mode because it's been so awful the last 3 weeks - constant pain.

rosabug, don't compromise. You know that you are going through stages...can you detach, see them for what they are, and not cave?

Hope that makes sense