Is there life after 55? - looking at being single.

[rosabug]

I'm looking at the end of my 20 year relationship, we have 1 grown up daughter now at University and I think we have done all the talking we can do. I could stay, he says he still loves me but there is no sexual relationship and hasn't been for about 6 years (his choice) and I know it will not return. However, I think it would end badly and at the moment I can barely look at him. But I am petrified of being alone. I do not have a wide circle of friends and don't make them easily. I like a man in my life and would like to think it's possible to find love again - but is it?

Leave! If your dd is an adult you can join everything that interests you, adn join a few things where you might meet a man, and do a bit of OLD on your own terms. (ie, message people YOU like the look of but steel yourself for the rejection). I am single and have been for a long time but it is better than being with a man who saps the life out of you

So true rosabug. The fear of 'it' is always worse than it.

You have done so well to get this far. Remember, you don't want to be like the parents of a friend of mine-hated each other but each was too pigheaded to move out. Continued to live with anger, bitterness and resentment until the wife died. Husband passed away a few days later. Evidently, hatred was what kept them together. But what a way to live the one life you have. I was in your position once. I left and went abroad. There, aged 50, I met the most wonderful man, my true soulmate, and we've been together 16 extraordinarily happy years. Believe me, sex is WAY better when you are older and with the right person. But the true joy is in the endless conversations, about absolutely everything, the laughter that comes from a shared sense of humour, the warm companionship, hand-holding and the happiness that comes from making each other happy. Stepping away from the known can be the start of a fabulous journey. Good luck!

Thankyou rosabug

Oh that's lovely Pollyglot! Love to hear happy endings.

rosabug I slightly younger than you at 48 but in the same boat - nearly two years out of a 20 year marriage, 3 nearly grown up children away from home, hes moved on. I had one date a few weeks ago with a man who was my ideal - unfortunately he didnt want more than one date with me and has now gone back to his ex. I have been gutted. Yes I have male attention but only from men who i am not attracted to - in fact my life now mirrors that of my early 20's when the men I was attracted to didn't want me - and those I wasn't attracted to adored me. I settled for a happy medium with my husband but suspect that may be why I failed as a wife with him.

I tried Match but couldn't get any likes back from the men I liked/contacted. Those I wasn't interested in were pretty persistent!

have spent much of the past week sobbing into my old teddy bear and realising that I am clearly unlovable and will be single for the rest of my life.

Blobby, you won't be alone forever if that's not what you want, but you sound a bit too vulnerable to be OLD at the moment ...

I won't date again until I feel really strong, and confident, and sure of my own worth ...

lily I honestly thought I was strong and sure of myself and ready for dating again . Obviously I give the impressions of going over the top in the early days - in my eyes nothing drastic but, for example, this chap had a stinking cold so I dropped off a bottle of cold stuff (left it in a bag on his doorstep), a female friend last year was feeling very low so I dropped off a chocolate cake for her, I just do it without thinking but clearly it comes across as too needy. Maybe if I stop that I wont invest so much in the early days and thus feel so devastated when the friendship (male, female, romantic or casual) doesn't go anywhere,

You sound really lovely blobby, but I think that sadly this makes you vulnerable. People don't know how to take kindness and nasty people will take advantage, normal people you don't know well maybe think you are a bit needy. Wishing you good luck, please don't cry about people who are not worth it.

lily thank you for your kind words xx I'm sure I'm low cos I'm feeling very rough with a bad cold this week- haven't felt this ill for years! And of course it's the first time I've been ill since separating so have no one to delegate dogs to x oh and have pmt too 😊X hoping to be more positive next week xx

My mum is 57 and met her DP two years ago on Tinder and they are super happy and planning on moving in together. My dad is also in his mid 50s and is now engaged. There is definitely hope!

If you're unhappy, definitely remove yourself from the situation and hit the reset button. It'll be hard and scary but everything will settle down as you get more comfortable.

There comes a time when you know it's not going to get any better andvlikelyhood it will get worse.If you are at that stage, what do you have to lose by separating?

If you are a capable women don't you really know, deep inside, you deserve more and you have the skills to rebuild your life?

Your life today won't reflect your life post separation because being unhappily married limits your life/friends as impacts all your interactions as well as confidence.

I realise that I used to feel way more anxious and laughed less when H was here. Today I had a lightbulb moment as something happened and rather than get anxious I dealt with it fine.I used to be more carefree, but slowly I felt on edge and started to over react to situations.I now see it was his impact on me.Even if it was not deliberate on his part (more a function of his austere background) it still impacted me.

What you should consider is your life is smaller and you feel like you will be alone BECAUSE you are unhappily married.Take away the marriage and you will feel different.As your behaviour changes more people will come into your life.

What a lovely it's Hermione. Thanks for that. I realised for me that things were not great when I found myself feeling jealous of a single parent friend of mine who knows a lot if people and has a way better social,life than I do, less money yes but in all honesty I think more fun and variety

I'm now 55, divorced at 48 and been on my own ever since with a now 12 yr old.
I am definitely ready to date again so I've dipped my toes into OLD.

The depressing thing is that it really is a numbers game; you need to have shed loads of perseverance and the hide of a rhino.

Men do not want women my age; they are looking for women 20 yrs younger and guess what? Despite my upper age limit request being 58, I'm getting emails from over 75yr olds! It is truly depressing.

So my advice would be to join groups/activities/group meetups....I'm going to join a choir for starters and possibly a running group. Meeting people face to face is the way to go - though I do understand (and am very jealous of) those who get lucky OLD.

thankyou hermione - your words ring so true. My life has become smaller in many ways in the last 6-8 years, mainly I think because my love and perhaps obsession with him and 'us' has superseded everything else.

Sex between us has always been sporadic, but that was okay with me as long as we connected from time to time (which was incredibly important to me), then it stopped altogether about 6 years ago and I could tell it was not going to come back.

We had rows and moments of what seemed like communication, but no change. I became quietly resentful - a bit donkey like, while he put a lot of energy into keeping 'us' going, but couldn't/didn't want to solve the core issue. Eventually exasperated and feeling like I would never have sex again he agreed to let me seek some casual lovers, which I did. It was initially hard for my partner as he said he feared I would fall in love with someone and leave him, he was not really bothered about the sex aspect. I enjoyed my adventures to an extent, but realised eventually that the hole in me was his shape, not sex shaped. He describes his sexuality as been quite split from his 'love' and I can see this about him, knowing his rather undemonstrative family. After this we kind of went back to normal - which I have to say at times was good, he can be a very joyful person to be around, so funny, we have always laughed a lot, tells me he loves me a lot. But a week before xmas I found out he had been having an affair for over a year, which had started about the time I ceased my wanderings.

I do think the affair was on the wain when I discovered it and I know he has never been unfaithful before, in fact counting this woman and me I believe he has only had 2 -3 other sexual relationships in his life. This knowledge completely devastated me, even though to some extent I understand why it happened and even, believe it or not, a deep reasonable part of me is glad that he has had another sexual experience other than me - for him, as my dear friend.

Since then we have been in hell. I fluctuate between intense anger, coldness, need and then moments of deep and honest communication. He finally admitted what I had always feared that his attraction to me has waned over the years and my weight increase and general fitness bother him (he's super fit). I said I would go on a fitness drive and he seemed positively excited about this. But the next morning I just felt down again, and certain we had nowhere else to go.

I have asked him if he feels that he loves me a lot but is perhaps not 'in love' with me (I know I am still in love with him) and he said he felt he was still in love with me, but pondered if that can still be the correct definition without a desire for sex with that person.

He wants to stay and continue, and of course a part of me wants this to, but in the cold light of day I'm not sure I can grow as an individual when I just simply love this person so much, but who doesn't desire me and keeps me at a certain distance. Lost lost lost.

My mum met her DP at 55 after being suddenly dumped by her previous DP of 10 years. They met online. And TBH she's a needy, neurotic PITA with few friends. (Yes I have issues with her).

There are single people of every age.

Hermonie, you post was so good at hitting the nail on the head regarding your world becoming smaller and how you feel it won't get better because of feeling worthless in a trapped unhappy marriage. It echos exactly where I was.

I didn't want my marriage to end, not because I was happy, but because I felt I owed it to the kids to keep trying, and I simply couldn't envisage a future being single. I was so used to being married and settled, that I clung on much too long.

This leads to your last post rosabug, which I totally identify with. A little bit of background: my ex had an OW for at least a year before we split, I knew this in my gut, but despite all my digging, questioning and giving him every opportunity to admit his affair, I could never prove it. He was cold, cruel, distant and indifferent. He made me feel that the reason we were unhappy was me. He called me paranoid, over sensitive, irrational...you name it, I was it! I jumped through so many hoops trying to fix us, lost weight to the point of being too thin, went on anti depressants so I could function, thought if I just do this or that, we'll be okay.

I honestly think, in retrospect, that if things hadn't come to ahead, I would have had a breakdown. I had a lightbulb moment when I realised that he was indeed having an affair and I didn't need proof to end our marriage. I still don't know to this day where I found the strength from, but he came back one night after a 'business trip' to find his bags packed and his compliant little wife telling him we were done. He was served divorce papers a week later.

Three weeks later he moved in with OW. Looking back, I should have saved myself years of stress by ending it earlier. But as Hermonie pointed out, I was so lost and ground down, that I couldn't even see how bad things were. No one should have endured the cruelty that he dished out for two years, that I just accepted it proves how lost I was.

Don't stay trying to fix something that is unfixable rosabug. The more you try, the more of your true self you lose in the process. You deserve someone who loves you for being you true authentic self, It's that simple. It's what I now realise. Once you try to change yourself for another person, you're on a slippery road of resentment and despair. Learn from my mistakes, and get out whilst you have the strength.

Thanks cary - 1 thought, you will have the last laugh because OW will inevitably get the same treatment and then she will think about you and feel like a mug.

rosabug, after he moved in with her he told me he wanted to come back to me, he stalled on the divorce, but I was adamant we were done. He's still with her, neither of them happy. She's now the one jumping through hoops, trying to fix things. I wouldn't be surprised if he is cheating on her. I actually feel sorry for her. The amazing thing is that it's no longer my problem. One of my DD's has witnessed him reducing her to tears, and she said her reaction was, 'at least it's not my mum having to put up with that anymore.'

They're welcome to each other. They both left kids behind in their need to be together, those kids are fine and both her ex and me have moved on.

cary - result!! I'm so glad you got out. There's always that type of parasitic guy about - moving from one woman to another.

Good for you cary.

Thank you both x

Reading this thread with great interest.

I am 57 and have pretty much come to the end of a long and not very happy marriage. I'm making plans to end it all now but finding it difficult to actually say the words and make the break... I think the thing that worries me most is the financial aspect, but I'm determined to (finally) stop being a coward.

Rosa, It feels like you have put enormous amounts of energy over many years into trying to make your relationship work, trying to build connection and intimacy. However I suspect your H has being working (covertly, perhaps completely unconsciously) in the opposite direction to you, so that he avoids real intimacy. Intimacy being connection through communication and sex.

The issues he raises sound like ways to avoid intimacy - even his agreement you have affairs (so noble of him) has benefitted him. You seem to feel YOU have failed whereas I think it's most likely him. He has done just enough to give you the illusion of a relationship/marriage but he always manages to create an intimacy gap.

It's why you can end up feeling so confused - outwardly you have a partner who says he loves you, who sometimes has sex with you, who laughs with you but the closeness you need and crave just isn't there on a reliable basis.
The more you need it, the more it gets withdrawn. It doesn't surprise me he puts energy into physical exploits - it's a very socially acceptable way to withdraw from a relationship and makes the complaining partner appear unreasonable.

I truly understand your heartbreak, you love this man - you feel he could make you happy but deep inside you know you are not getting what you need. I guess you feel if you could just change he might respond differently?

However what if it is him? What if he can't 'do' intimacy with anyone?

Should also say it's is still very early days for you, imagine you are in a whirlpool for now.

Head spinning, often irrational fear of the proposed change (I will be lonely forever), going backwards and forwards between bargaining and denial (was it really that bad, could I tolerate it, is it me?), replaying all the conversations looking for the magic wand to make it better.

I think this stage is just awful but your brain will eventually start to process all the anxieties and emotions and you will move into greater stability and confidence which hopefully leads to acceptance.
I'm at the pre acceptance stage but still flip into bargaining (oh it wasn't that bad, deep down he loves me, we had such a good life etc).

Knowing that's where I'm heading is at least a positive but I don't know when I will get there!