Afraid of feeling bitter about non marriage

[Canneverthinkofafunkyusername]

Ok long time lurker and first time poster and please bear with me because this might be a long one.
I've been with my partner for 15 years. For the first 7 or 8 years finances were very good and we had plenty of money, economy collapsed 😟 (Ireland) just after we had taken out a mortgage and since then we are just keeping our heads above water. We have 4 children 4 and under. My partner has moved into a new career and things are slightly improving for us, due to the cost of childcare and minimal family help I am a Sahm
We have been talking about just going to the registry office and getting married, I always wanted a wedding but this would just literally be the two of us and two witnesses, no proposal or engagement ring or party.just home again to,the 4 kids and not tell anyone for a while. Anytime in the last few years we have discussed marriage I've gotten veer upset but am fed up putting it off.
truth be told this is me pushing it because at this stage I don't think we will ever afford to go the more traditional route, I have 4 children with this man and want some fucking legal rights and I'm worried I will be forever bitter about my non wedding with nobody there and no celebration afterward. Don't know what a to do, also my twins are only 10 weeks old so worried I am being a hormonal fool.

I agree with one of 2 options - get it done quietly and have a big bash one year on or do it small.

We did it with our 2 children and 2 couples to witness, had a photographer, rings and afternoon tea for us all for about 2K at a pretty but local venue. Lovely memories and none of the stress or hassle that comes with extended family politics, seating plans, wedding cars/favours etc

Sound like you need to get married ASAP for emotional, legal and financial reasons and you'd like to do it in as romantic way as possible. This is entirely possible!

(1) I'd start by picking a date.

You want enough time to plan and enough time to be more settled hormonally. I'd make it well into summer so as to try and help ensure the sun will shine on you on the day (well, as much as we can guarantee sun in the UK).

(2) Next - your budget! Work out what you can possibly afford without putting yourselves in difficulties. Find out how much (if anything) a parent might contribute. If your parent(s) have always expected to help out with something towards your wedding - tell them the time has come

(3) When you know your budget, work out what parts of your wedding you want to spend the most on - the dress? the party? the venue? and allocate money accordingly.

(4) Start looking around for stuff that fits the budget you worked out. For instance, if you put £100 for your dress, you start looking for dresses £100 and under. Do the same with it all - rings, venue, etc. Try not to let the spending spiral out of control which can be a temptation. You can get frugal websites for ideas on where to find dresses. You will be surprised at what can turn up when you are tuned into it.

I had an easy, cheap, quickly-arranged wedding. I come from a small scattered family and my husband and I are both shy and didn't want much of a fuss. I arranged it in 12 weeks and we spend under £1000 on the day. We could have spent less on our rings, but my dress was only £100 off Ebay!

Good luck - you can totally do this. It can even be fun. As a pp said, it can be better to have this type of wedding - think of the politics and years of stressful planning you won't have to go through. You are basically arranging a smallish fun party for people you love and you'll be getting married at it.

Good luck

I can understand why you'd feel sad, but as you say you're currently without protection. You're already well established in the relationship, but in a potentially vulnerable situation.

As everyone else has said, the legal/marriage bit and the wedding/party bit don't need to go hand in hand. As others on here have done, I got married recently because I was committed to the relationship but in a potentially vulnerable position legally as a co-habitee. I was honestly content to just go to the Registry Office, pay the £150 and sign my name on a bit of paper, but DH wanted the kids and parents there so we had a little mini-wedding at very short-notice and lunch at a really nice restaurant afterwards. We only told close family so we wouldn't be put under pressure by anyone else, so it felt a bit like an elopement. It was very home-made but lovely and the whole thing came to just under £1500. It was a gorgeous ceremony (really wasn't expecting it to be), the kids found it all very meaningful and the marriage certificate we have is identical to the one we'd have had if we'd spent £15000 and invited 100s of people. I feel much more secure for having done it and I have great memories. It's just as much my day and my story as any huge wedding would have been.

Maybe you'll do a big reception in the future, or a vow renewal etc. Either way, if it's a big party you're offering people will come and celebrate with you, whether that's because you've exchanged vows or whether it's because you're celebrating your relationship.

Good luck :)

Do you have friends or family that would be willing to help out? I don't mean spending mega bucks, I mean instead of wedding presents, clubbing together. Someone pay for a function room, in a pub or something, someone make the food/cake and, someone paying for a dj? I think that would be really special, all the people you love coming together to make a special day for you two. You can buy cheap second hand dress and suits for charity shops, may be someone you know could even alter them? Or just a nice dress from the high street, It really doesn't have to break the bank.

I personally think spending money and getting yourself into financial trouble for some 'perfect day' Is ridiculous.

I'm not saying you were wanting to get into financial trouble OP. I mean anyone who did that would be foolish.

Who do you really want to be there - a number of family & friends I presume?

Why don't you speak them and ask that instead of gifts would they provide buffet catering or something like that?

You could just provide the alcohol/drinks or similar, dress up and enjoy celebrating with the people who love you.

I know it isn't the wedding you want but celebrating your marriage with people who care is something special!