Afraid of feeling bitter about non marriage

[Canneverthinkofafunkyusername]

Ok long time lurker and first time poster and please bear with me because this might be a long one.
I've been with my partner for 15 years. For the first 7 or 8 years finances were very good and we had plenty of money, economy collapsed 😟 (Ireland) just after we had taken out a mortgage and since then we are just keeping our heads above water. We have 4 children 4 and under. My partner has moved into a new career and things are slightly improving for us, due to the cost of childcare and minimal family help I am a Sahm
We have been talking about just going to the registry office and getting married, I always wanted a wedding but this would just literally be the two of us and two witnesses, no proposal or engagement ring or party.just home again to,the 4 kids and not tell anyone for a while. Anytime in the last few years we have discussed marriage I've gotten veer upset but am fed up putting it off.
truth be told this is me pushing it because at this stage I don't think we will ever afford to go the more traditional route, I have 4 children with this man and want some fucking legal rights and I'm worried I will be forever bitter about my non wedding with nobody there and no celebration afterward. Don't know what a to do, also my twins are only 10 weeks old so worried I am being a hormonal fool.

Go on and get it done between the two of you and come back home to the most important people in the world (your DCs). Then once you have money, throw a pretend wedding just for the fun of it. i am giggling just at the thought of it

You might feel bitter about not having the big do. You might suffer if you wait, financially. Unfortunately it is one of those situations where you just can't have it both ways. I think I would prioritise the marriage and have a celebration at a future point, that's as close to the best of both worlds as possible here.

How come you will be so much better off if married ?

Friends of mine got married quietly at the registry office with their two next door neighbours as witnesses. The four of them went out for lunch afterwards, and then they told family and friends. They had been together for years, and had two children. They got married for financial reasons and security in case anything happened to either of them.

They had a big party a few months later, in the summer, at their own house for family and friends. It was a lovely day and a great celebration.

OP, I'm also in Ireland. I totally understand where you're coming from because weddings are, I think, part and parcel of our culture. We had the big white wedding and were a bit more traditional in that we had the wedding first, then the kids.

BUT, as someone whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly last year, I would urge you to
1/ Get married ASAP even if it's quiet and no-fuss
2/ Make a will.
I hope that this never becomes as horribly relevant for you as it did for me but the first has been a Godsend and not having done the latter has been a PITA as if you don't have a will, your children are entitled to 1/3 of your spouse's estate which in my situation means that my eldest two as young adults will receive a large sum of money each which I don't believe they're ready for and which dh would have preferred to go to me for safe-keeping.

Iminshock the tax system here favours married couples. My dsis and her dh got married in secret with only my niece and two friends present for that reason. I think it makes more difference if one partner is self-employed or a SAHP but I might be wrong about that.

There are no such things as "village halls" in Ireland!

If you want to do it small, it's basically going to a restaurant afterwards.

But OP a lot of my friends have done that. You can get private dining rooms for small numbers, 10 or so. That won't kill you. Then onto a reserved space in a nice pub. And Oxfam on Georges Street for a dress. Or Monsoon. Lovely.

What part of the country are you in?

OP - with 10 week old twins you must be exhausted. I completely get where you're coming from though.
I totally disagree that your wedding can't be romantic or meaningful because you're on a tight budget or been together 15 years. Your husband can go out any time now and choose you a ring and propose in a way that will make you feel special. Words and actions cost nothing. You deserve to feel special - you've given him 4 babies in 4 years!
Then let him take on booking the registry office because you have enough on. Maybe go for a date in the summer so you don't feel under to much pressure to find a dress now etc. You'll be in more of a routine with the babies and not so tired then as well.
Rather than a sit down meal which would not only be expensive, but also a nightmare with 4 young DC, could you not hire a room / pub and do a buffet for whoever you want to invite? If money is very tight, explain you'll be providing food and perhaps a glass of champagne for all and I'm sure people will be happy to get their own drinks after that. Often pubs offer a free venue room for groups.
With kids - casual is the way to go anyway!
Good luck x

How about about a bring your own wedding. Presumably everyone that loves you knows you're skint. Wait for a date when you are not breastfeeding or whatever so you can enjoy yourself.

Ask for a maximum of contributions like tent tables chairs etc. Dont go for super high season when they might not be available. Everyone brings drinks and or food or whatever. Your part will be organizing and inviting.

Set up a web site or something where you can say what you need and people can pick off what they have or want to contribute.

I'd love to be part of a wedding like that.

I got married 3 weeks ago.

The restaurant cost us 2800€ for 75 including wine.
Rings were 500€ so surprisingly expensive but you could do second hand for v v v little.
Champagne was 288€. Those were are major costs.
I spent about 1000€ on our outfits and for our 4 kids. Maybe a touch less.
Flowers were 5 small bouquets for me and the 4 girls at 8€ each bouquet. But easily made by someone else for free.

I wasn't looking to save money, more wanting to save effort as it was all organized in 5 weeks start to finish and a week before Christmas.

If it's what you want I promise it's doable.

I'd go for a secret registry office wedding next week. You don't need a dress, it's just signing a legal document and you don't need to tell anyone so they can't sulk about not being there.

You and your children are very vulnerable, you must do this ASAP.

Then arrange a church blessing and small party afterwards , maybe for this summer. If you save that €150 a week you will have €4,000 by then.

That gives you some cash and time to plan what you would like. And the twins will be bigger and you will hopefully be getting some sleep.

My friend got married a couple of years ago. Her, fiancé and their two kids at the local registry office and for afternoon tea at a local posh hotel afterwards. Then a few months later they had a big outdoor picnic in the grounds of a local stately home - all invited, bring your own food etc. It was one of the lovelier weddings/ celebrations I've been to.

We did our wedding on the cheap and it was lovely.

We spent £5k but most of that was on the venue and food/booze, so if you hired somewhere cheap and self catered it would be much less.

My dress was from China (eBay), it was a risk but it was only £50 and the gamble paid off, it was lovely. Another £30 for alterations.

Bridesmaids dresses were from Next and in the sale. My adult BMs bought their own dresses to wear again.

We hired the suits, so that was only around £200.

A friend made the cake, the only flowers we had was my bouquet and buttonholes. Table decorations were £1 tea light holders from ikea.

Dh is in a band and is friends with a dj so between them they sorted the entertainment for free.

The actual ceremony was in the registry office with just close family and friends and then we did a reception for 100 people.

It was lovely, relaxed and didn't bankrupt us. In your situation I would definitely go for a small ceremony now and plan a big party for later.

Thanks guys for all your replys
Rb68 has it with the all or nothing attitude to weddings here. A lot of people i know borrow money, think in the region of 15000, with the plan that they will make it back in presents. I hate that, you don't invite people to a party and expect them to pay for it and with our finances over the years i have an attitude of if I don't have the cash I don't get it.
I suppose I thought if I had the secret registry office do we could have a good celebration down the line but deep down I know it wouldn't happen. I know I just have to bite the bullet and do it, for the legal aspect more so than the financial. I just feel quite sad about it and I started telling myself I shouldn't make any decisions when I am scarily sleep deprived and hormonal. Thanks everybody

Good grief, woman, in your situation (in any situation!) marriage is way, way more important than 'the wedding'!

And I speak as someone who is not vulnerable due to being in married, (because I earn, earn more than Dp, have my own asset, etc.).

Get married, make it special in some way that is not an apology for the bigger event, and get this whole matter out of your emotional Inbox, enjoy the extra money and the security.

In fairness OP you will make back SOME money whether you want to or not so don't feel guilty about it.

I didn't borrow a penny and did things very cheap (no photographer or cars or band - just a DJ etc etc) and so didn't spend a lot at all. But I had 70 guests and ended up with about 4k in money from them. Their choice! Nothing to do with me! It was amazing though.

You aren't being a hormonal fool. That said, most people are not on their best form at 10 weeks postpartum. Especially not with twins and two toddlers!

You mention getting upset whenever this is discussed- why? We haven't heard about DPs views I don't think. Is he against it and that's why you're upset? He wants to wait until you have more money, or never do it at all?

On purely practical grounds, it seems ludicrous not to marry when you'd be 150 euros a week better off! Even if you did have the massive wedding, you would actually make the 15k costs back in 2 years (and be honest, you will get a lot back in presents- not Irish but Irish descent and DH is so I know!).

I think from childhood as girls we are still conditioned (by the media , cartoon films, fairytales, romcoms, the church etc) to think we are "successful" as a female when we have the "hearts and flowers" romance and a wedding day. I think the validation it brings is hard to shake deep down. However, you are with your DP and he is with you out of mutual accord - you have 4 DC together and a life together. He is offering marriage (in a way he feels he can cope with) so take it if marriage is want you ultimately want.

From a pragmatic point of view - I would go quickly and get married in the registry office - your children will benefit from the legal protection and financial benefits it will bring. You can have a church wedding or a bigger wedding party at a later time. The best wedding I ever went to was a humanist one in the local community hall where everyone brought a dish and a bottle for the buffet. There was some music and the children ran riot. It was relaxed and fun unlike some incredibly stressful and expensive stately home £20,000 plus ones where the marriage then lasted only a couple of years)

You want and really need to be married and have a marriage.
So you don't have the big wedding.
You still have a marriage.
You know what to do.
I hope you enjoy the day.

Why do you need a wedding? Surely getting married is about spending your lives together and not about a big white wedding? Just go to a registry office and then celebrate with a meal or party at your with Friends and family.

Hey OP.

Like others have said, it's the getting married that's important here. But - you could do a compromise... Registry office with close fam and/or friends then lunch/few drinks?

We did this last Spring. Family only, ten of us. My dress was £50 from Lady Vintage (website) and we went to local Italian. Bill came to less than 250 for the meal.

You could still have a reg office wedding and fam celebration for under £1k.

With finances as tight as they are why do you think your DP would ever prioritise saving for a wedding now if he couldn't even propose during the first 7-8 financially good years of your relationship? Answer is he won't, so waiting will achieve nothing. You chose to move in with and have DC with a man who clearly didn't want to be married let alone have a big wedding so there is no point in being bitter about it. Time to prioritise the welfare of your DC and get yourself down that register office!

It sounds like getting on with the marriage would be a good idea, but there must be a way to compromise and make a bit of a celebration of it without it being a hugely expensive big 'do'.

The nicest wedding I've ever been to wasn't any of the mega fancy, £30k ones. Don't get me wrong, they are lovely too, but the best I went to was done on a shoestring.

Luckily the couple in question had a reasonable sized garden. They had a hog roast (about £300 I believe) and asked all their guests to bring gazebos, outdoor tables and chairs, picnic blankets etc, and we all brought with us a bottle or two of wine, and a salad / side dish or a pudding. Someone else brought some speakers and an iPod playlist was set up to provide some music for the afternoon.

It was absolutely fantastic, and everyone felt involved in really helping them celebrate their marriage. It was so romantic and so lovely to go one which was without all the pretence and the showiness of a typical wedding.

So go the cheap route. Tell your closest and dearest you are doing it on a show string budget and hire a village hall or use your lounge. Do a bring bring and share. Bring a dish and a bottle. No gifts.

Or registry office and drinks after in a pub after. Ask people not to bring gifts and instead to buy their own pub meal/alcohol as it's a shoe string wedding.

We did what you describe - 2 random witnesses at a registry office, along with our 3 month old baby. I wanted my (small) family there, he said no and that we would have a big celebration/Church blessing at a later date. We are now nearly 9 years down the line, several more children and on the verge of splitting. Would be easier if we weren't married tbh, but ironically I'm quite traditional and wanted to be married to the father of my children. We're in the UK, and no actual direct financial benefit from being married (obviously, down the line, pensions etc would have come into it).

So I do understand where you're coming from OP, as I felt the same. Trouble is, there's too much water under the bridge to be worrying about a big wedding now.

Oh and we never did have a big celebration or Church blessing 😓