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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unable to be loved or love others?

28 replies

happyfrown · 04/01/2017 16:50

I have so many dead threads going on about myself so forgive me. tried to sleep last night but couldn't through sobbing, I was going to get out of bed at silly 'o'clock and come on here to write it down? I don't know how it could've helped?
neither side of the family have ever tried to get to know me, unloving mother, no contact with dad for 8yrs, got in contact to meet up but he died suddenly a month later. hurts so much that I left it too long, would it of helped with my loneliness? would he have enjoyed us?
having my own children has confirmed that I lack emotions, I cant do hugs, don't hug friends, hesitate hand shakes. I get angry if I feel smothered. there are days (weeks) when I don't want to see or talk to any one, kids included. other days im crying cos im all alone.
last(only started) relationship ruined because I couldn't face any one including bf, even over xmas. I didn't want hugs and kisses, what was the point of him coming over?
there were days we planned to meet, go to his but really I wanted to tuck up on the sofa and hide so was a false smile, hugs, kisses and couldn't wait to get home. Sad how can I cry about something I cause myself! I cause my own heart ache, I don't know how to help.
I feel so damaged that theres no way of getting over it. my past trauma runs over and over. I cant let it go cos its me its moulded me into who I am. sorry if this doesn't make sense and im not expecting any thing from it really. I have no one else to talk to atm. and who actually needs to give a toss about self pitying self inflicting person.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 04/01/2017 19:42

My eldest and my brother really enjoy their own company. If other people stress you out and you don't enjoy being with them it's ok to not .... Huge difference between being lonely and alone

CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 19:46

Have you ever had any therapy?

overthemoon1982 · 04/01/2017 19:52
Flowers Didn't want to read and run Sorry you are going through this

I'm no doctor or expert of any kind - but you sound like you need access to a talking therapy

The not wanting touch made me wonder whether you are on the autistic spectrum at all, but you have hinted a lot about your life story so I'm guessing that has more to do with it

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 19:59

newbrummie I don't enjoy being alone but Im so used to it and when im low I cant face the world, its a cycle. I know I need to change to change how it is but sometimes Im scared I wont like the change, its so frustrating. like I made a friend during the summer holidays over the park with the kids and I feel I avoid her a lot (as im not good 90% of the time) and just want to drop of kids at school and get home. my 2 best friends know that when im not well they wont see me for a week or few!

I guess my new relationship was doomed from the beginning.

cockacidalmaniac sorry should have said I have bpd /eupd, anxiety & depression and have had therapy, waiting for new therapist to get in touch. I don't take ad's, have in the past but they just mask the problems.

didn't think I was going to get any post back

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 04/01/2017 20:02

You need replies, if you want company reach out for it when it suits. People understand, I have friends I won't see for ages because they just aren't in the mood, it's not unusual ime

CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 20:07

I'm also BPD, albeit far improved from where I was. It certainly makes the interpersonal stuff harder; all the black and white thinking etc.
I also understand the desperate need to reach out for contact when things are bad.

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 20:07

overthemoon sorry cross post, someone mentioned that on another thread? I might ask the therapist when I do get to see them.
I do need talking therapy, I had cbt but completely wrong therapist. had counselling twice.
I really don't like contact, even intimacy. don't like being in rooms of people either, or having someone in my house too long.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 04/01/2017 20:09

Have you had DBT? I've not had any myself, but heard it can be helpful for BPD.

pklme · 04/01/2017 20:14

Has anyone talked to you about your attachment style? If you had a tricky upbringing it will have been affected. If you read up on it, you may understand how you work better. I'm sorry you are finding things so tough.

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 20:17

how is it possible to have a partner when you don't like being touched, I can give a hug. cant do it all day. Im not comfortable when friends sit next to me on the sofa or stand too close? don't know whats wrong with me.
I do, for a second hug dd when she reaches out. I do it so it doesn't damage her mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 20:21

no haven't had DBT, I think the health team said some thing beginning with EM? will help?
not hear of that either pklme I know childhood and lack of love may have something to do with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 20:23

I kept being told my past therapist, psychologist that im my own worse enemy. but I know that! I attack myself because how I am? I cant get out of my own routine.

OP posts:
pklme · 04/01/2017 20:30

If people who you loved were unreliable and scary, it becomes very uncomfortable to be in a loving relationship. It feels dangerous. If there was trauma in your childhood as well, then EMDR can be very successful. It's worth reading about. I'm not qualified to say much more, but had a lot of training on it as a foster carer.

You can retrain your brain and learn how to manage affection with your children. Ask about Theraplay, you could do those activities with your DCs and a therapist, to help you learn how.

pklme · 04/01/2017 20:31

I don't want to say anything that is diffent to therapists and psychologists who are trained and know you.

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 20:42

that was it EMDR. I really hope I can because all I can think of is letting them go to someone else who can show love the cycle don't re-run next generation.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 20:52

unloved and put down, family members constantly telling me im weird, if I bought some clothes or shoes my sis and mum said I looked stupid. talk weird, act funny. I used to tell DM my head dont feel right she said go away stop being silly.
close family member asked me to remove my clothes. It makes my skin crawl that this person has/is near my dc. no one knows and I go on as normal.
when we were sent to foster care they made us eat 6 biscuits with tea for breakfast (I hated tea) and soup every night for dinner, we had to go out and play after school (no matter the weather) and not allowed in the house til dinner was ready at 6pm. we were not allowed in each others rooms. I was so close to my brother at home but I couldn't go in his room and sit with someone, you weren't allowed in the living room. we had to open xmas present in our room. stay in there after. is this normal foster caring?? I was so scared to go home, wish id just run away. Sad

OP posts:
pklme · 04/01/2017 21:01

You've had a rough time.
EMDR helps recover from the trauma.
Theraplay helps build a physical and emotional loving bond btn parent and child.

Fostering has rules like not going in each other's bedrooms to keep every child there safe. But the overall picture you describe is not right, not good care.

I'm worried about the person you said told you to take off your clothes. Do you still see them, do they see your child? If so, that isn't safe for her. Who can you talk to to get help keeping her safe?

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 21:11

I really want to try theraplay. my bond with ds2 is not there at all. he has asked to live with his dad.

it was a couples home with just me and my brother and sister. no other dc's. the fosters went out and left us with their son a lot, not that we were allowed in the living room. I didn't feel safe there. they were colder then my mother.

yes I see him. not often as I don't see any family much. before that day I used to leave the dcs if I went to the shop. not now.

OP posts:
Waitingfordolly · 04/01/2017 21:21

You are not your own worst enemy, that makes me cross if a therapist said that. You are acting in ways that are consistent with trauma / bpd that has affected the emotional bit of your brain, that cannot (easily) be altered just by thinking about it. You are probably coping the best you can with a situation out of your control and not of your making. As far as I understand, and I am not an expert either, CBT is not generally effective for BPD. Hopefully you will get some more specialist treatment soon, EMDR or DBT. Hang on in there Flowers

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 21:35

the cbt therapist told me on a weekly basis! as did the counsellor - who actually told me i was behaving like a spoiled brat in one session. and the last person who assessed me. so im guessing the next one has the same text book? i know my own actions don't help myself but if i could just change i would, i explained this.
the cbt lady didn't visit for 5wks, this was when my dad passed when i probably needed the support the most.
ive learned to to rely on no one, not to trust no one.
im grateful for your replies, it does help.

OP posts:
pklme · 04/01/2017 21:42

I think you had the wrong kind of therapy for your problems.

It's hard when you are so vulnerable. Are you due more assessments and appointments where you can raise how to get the right kind of treatment? You need a therapist who is well trained in attachment disorders. Do you see CAMHS about your children, because they can do Theraplay. Perhaps ask the GP or Health visitor about getting referred as you have struggled to bond.

Is DSs dad a good dad?

pklme · 04/01/2017 21:47

I'm off to sleep now, but can chat again tomorrow.

Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 22:01

Pklme i was discharged after a year of useless cbt, i kept telling them she aint helping they thought i was being ungrateful maybe. it took a year of pleading with my gp to be re-referred, im guessing it was psychologist? asked me questions how im feeling back story etc to be assessed for which therapy.
1st appointment was just that. me talking her writing.
2nd app after 30mins she said i need parenting classes! (which ive done 5 off) i came out devastated.
3rd appointment 30mins she said 'EMDR might help, im on maternity leave from this week' some one else will see you'. that was in oct last year. i called this week to ask wheres me therapy was told they are assessing and to wait for my letter.

ive asked for therapy for my ds2 as he is very withdrawn and angry, not that i can blame him. i was told he is fine at school and CAMHS wont need to see him. even though he was placed in a referral school at 2.5 for his spiteful, angry, hyper behaviour by health visitor. i was put in a 12wk parenting class called Webster stratton instead!

DSs dad is ok, wont win dad of the year but i know they would be looked after, homework will get done, hygiene and routine he is on top of.

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrown · 04/01/2017 22:04

even though people here are saying they aint professionals, you have given me more help, information than the professionals! its comforting.
thankyou x

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 04/01/2017 22:17

Big hugs happyfrown. I've no experience but I'm not surprised that you have all these self preservation mechanisms based on your past.

You're aware of it and you want to change and I'm sure that with the right therapy and the amazing strong and lovely person that you sound as if you are, that you will get there. Please confide in your friends and your bf. Tell them what you've been through and that's the reason why you have some issues but the them so that they don't take it personally and so they understand and can support you.

All the best op xx