I have so many dead threads going on about myself so forgive me. tried to sleep last night but couldn't through sobbing, I was going to get out of bed at silly 'o'clock and come on here to write it down? I don't know how it could've helped?
neither side of the family have ever tried to get to know me, unloving mother, no contact with dad for 8yrs, got in contact to meet up but he died suddenly a month later. hurts so much that I left it too long, would it of helped with my loneliness? would he have enjoyed us?
having my own children has confirmed that I lack emotions, I cant do hugs, don't hug friends, hesitate hand shakes. I get angry if I feel smothered. there are days (weeks) when I don't want to see or talk to any one, kids included. other days im crying cos im all alone.
last(only started) relationship ruined because I couldn't face any one including bf, even over xmas. I didn't want hugs and kisses, what was the point of him coming over?
there were days we planned to meet, go to his but really I wanted to tuck up on the sofa and hide so was a false smile, hugs, kisses and couldn't wait to get home. 
how can I cry about something I cause myself! I cause my own heart ache, I don't know how to help.
I feel so damaged that theres no way of getting over it. my past trauma runs over and over. I cant let it go cos its me its moulded me into who I am. sorry if this doesn't make sense and im not expecting any thing from it really. I have no one else to talk to atm. and who actually needs to give a toss about self pitying self inflicting person.