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Original poster

just sex - how to set it up so it works

48 replies

user1483524971 · 04/01/2017 15:19

Ok, without wanting to put anything identifying in here I'm a single mum and it's difficult to get out much. Not sure I have time for a relationship or even want one, but haven't had sex in years so want to set something up.

All I remember from the limited one-time sex I had with guys years ago is how I didn't get anything out of it. The guy would, inevitably. And he wouldn't necessarily even notice that I didn't. So I don't want that.

The ideal situation would be a friend with benefits. But I don't want to mess up any current friendships/social life, or have anyone around my kids, at my house etc.

I work full time so there could be some opportunity to meet someone in the middle of the day but not much. Could have a babysitter at night but not often. So, probably at looking at going to someone else's house or a hotel.

How do I set this up without posting something in OLD that results in being inundated by replies from sleazy men? I'm quite picky which is why nothing has happened yet. I've said no to a number of male 'friends' who propositioned me repeatedly after becoming a LP - wasn't in the right frame of mind, didn't want to rock the boat, didn't want to perpetuate any stereotypes men have about single mothers, didn't want to have sex with them when I wasn't attracted to them.

This clearly isn't about conversation, but I need to be able to be interested in whoever it is first. And feel safe.

Advice - has anyone achieved this?

OP posts:
bowchikkawowwow · 04/01/2017 15:24

I think the only way to achieve this would be to do it with a friend who you feel comfortable with but don't mind losing their friendship if it ended badly.

TheNaze73 · 04/01/2017 15:25

Nothing to really add, other than to be upfront & honest in what you are looking for.

You actually sound like most guys dream, in just wanting a fulfilling sexual relationship without none of the dross, so I personally think you'll be inundated with potential suitors. Maybe try Tinder? I've never used it personally however, lots of my friends have with a lot of success.

Good luck

Original poster
user1483524971 · 04/01/2017 15:33

Another criteria is that they have to be single - no married men pretending to be single.

Which is easier to figure out if you know them.

Trouble is, my social circle is almost entirely married couples, or guys I don't find attractive in that way.

OP posts:
Tenshidarkangel · 04/01/2017 15:47

FWB generally doesn't work. Someone always gets attached.

I'd go for Tinder/POF. Make your profile look like your date hunting (Nothing obvious to draw the pervy weirdos) then when you hit it off with someone, meet them, then discuss your needs. Just be prepared to lose them if they are seriously looking for the one.

PassTheSatsumas · 06/01/2017 16:30

I think you could easily find this kind of relationship by posting a 'normal' online dating ad, but saying you want a 'let's see what happens' relationship

A lot of men will take sex if offered to them/are hoping for easy sex when online dating ... you will be able to tell what is on their mind by flirty emails

You might even meet someone you want to date properly !

wherearemymarbles · 06/01/2017 16:45

This mAy sound hideous to you, but would you consider paying for it. Good looking guy, will know that he is doing and no emotional complications?

fulberoo · 06/01/2017 16:54

Wow, marbles, can you imagine if it was a bloke on here and someone advised him to hire a prostitute? They'd be flamed so hard the Mumsnet servers would be reduced to a pile of cinders.

fulberoo · 06/01/2017 16:55

But yeah, there are hookup sites but I would imagine they're pretty hideous. Aren't most people on Tinder just looking for something casual unless they clearly say otherwise?

Milklollies · 06/01/2017 16:57

Marbles has a point though. Prostitution has been going on for thousands of years. If it meets the ops needs and it makes her happy then I say go for it. Millions of men pay for it for the same reasons as OP stated.

fulberoo · 06/01/2017 16:59

Speaking as a bloke, if one of my friends used a prostitute I'm afraid I'd have to seriously consider never speaking to him again. It's just one of my red lines: an unspeakably seedy and exploitative thing to do.

wherearemymarbles · 06/01/2017 17:03

Oh i agree, probably silly suggestion. Maybe hq shouls delete it but male prostitutes serving women are far far less likely to have been trafficked, coerced, pimped, raped and abused etc. I rather suspect 99% do it because they want to, not because they have no other option.

BreconCarreg · 06/01/2017 17:47

I would second Tinder, or Ok Cupid. On OKC you can select an option to show that you're looking for casual sex or short-term dating. You'll get sleazy messages regardless of which you pick so be upfront and just ignore, delete or block the sleaze. Send messages to people you like the look of - often women don't initiate conversations on dating sites. Any bad vibes or communication styles that don't work for you, get rid. Anyone with anything remotely sexist on their profile is not a good bet for good casual sex. If you want satisfying sex with people you don't know well you'll need to be comfortable telling them exactly what works for you and what doesn't. And discuss sexual health status in advance. Often people who have casual sex fairly often are correspondingly good at having it - in terms of communication, ease with new people etc. Don't dismiss people in open relationships or people who are into kink - they're often very used to good communication too.

ladygrinnings0ul · 06/01/2017 18:12

I think it's all down to chance I'm having a sex only set up with a man who came to do some work at my flat ! He's 24 ( way to young for me to date ) super buff I have 0 in common with him outside of the bedroom but the sex is amazing . I never text him apart from when I fancy hooking up he never stays over we don't talk about feelings or anything deep it's perfect ! Good luck finding your FB ✌🏽️

rosabug · 06/01/2017 18:40

Try OKC, but maybe look for men in open relationships. They are generally looking for steady 'others'. Single guys on sites are often 'collecting' - 1 down - 100 to go (I think anyway). It's a minefield, but I had some nice experiences on there.....mmm.....and some not so nice.

RestlessTraveller · 06/01/2017 21:00

How many of you would enter into a relationship with a man who admitted he had used prostitutes before? Disclaimer, I don't think this is a bad idea as long as you do your research, but the double standards on MN amaze me at times.

lottieandmia · 06/01/2017 21:57

I would avoid it, really. I like sex a lot so when not in a relationship I would have fuck buddies. They often turned out to be abusive men who couldn't care less about my satisfaction and harrased me continually for nude photos. I've also lost a male friend through having sex with him - he flipped on me and blocked me because he couldn't handle it basically. If you do it with someone you don't know it will be hard to realise they are abusive until it's too late. If you do it with a friend you may lose the friend like I did.

I've now not had sex for nearly a year and I miss it badly but I've come to the conclusion I'm more harmed by casual sex than by not having it at all so I'm going to wait for someone decent and the right time.

RestlessTraveller · 06/01/2017 22:31

I've had fuck-buddies. One was a friend of
many years and the other was a guy I met on OKcupid. Both worked really well for me. Just make sure you are completely upfront about what you need from the outset and be prepared to dump if any feelings start to emerge.

RestlessTraveller · 06/01/2017 22:33

I would advice against looking for men in open relationships because they are already working around one relationship so it may be difficult finding the truth me when you are both free if you've got to work around kids and things. I think the whole point of a fuck buddy is being able to make that booty call in the middle of the night.

RestlessTraveller · 06/01/2017 22:34

*truth = time

BreconCarreg · 06/01/2017 22:40

The OP is a single parent, I don't think middle of the night booty calls are going to work for her.

80schild · 06/01/2017 22:42

The problem is that if you are upfront about what you want, you will attract the wrong sort of person.

When I was single there was only one situation that worked well and that was with someone I knew for years - it had started off as a relationship and contrary to what usually happens we ended up using each other for sex. I'm not sure it ever works out if you go at it with the intention to finding a 'duck buddy".

Maybe just try and make a couple of male friends and see what happens.

user1476869312 · 06/01/2017 22:55

Try swingers' clubs. You don't have to do it in the middle of the room; they all have 'private zones' - and you will be safe as the clubs always have stewards etc.

RestlessTraveller · 08/01/2017 20:42

If all she's after is sex then I don't understand how anyone would get the wrong impression. Isn't that the exact impression she intended?

RestlessTraveller · 08/01/2017 20:42

But yes to swingers clubs!

PassTheSatsumas · 08/01/2017 21:21

Wouldn't turning to Ann Summers be a lot less hassle?

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