just sex - how to set it up so it works

[user1483524971]

Ok, without wanting to put anything identifying in here I'm a single mum and it's difficult to get out much. Not sure I have time for a relationship or even want one, but haven't had sex in years so want to set something up.

All I remember from the limited one-time sex I had with guys years ago is how I didn't get anything out of it. The guy would, inevitably. And he wouldn't necessarily even notice that I didn't. So I don't want that.

The ideal situation would be a friend with benefits. But I don't want to mess up any current friendships/social life, or have anyone around my kids, at my house etc.

I work full time so there could be some opportunity to meet someone in the middle of the day but not much. Could have a babysitter at night but not often. So, probably at looking at going to someone else's house or a hotel.

How do I set this up without posting something in OLD that results in being inundated by replies from sleazy men? I'm quite picky which is why nothing has happened yet. I've said no to a number of male 'friends' who propositioned me repeatedly after becoming a LP - wasn't in the right frame of mind, didn't want to rock the boat, didn't want to perpetuate any stereotypes men have about single mothers, didn't want to have sex with them when I wasn't attracted to them.

This clearly isn't about conversation, but I need to be able to be interested in whoever it is first. And feel safe.

Advice - has anyone achieved this?

[Gwenhwyfar]

"male prostitutes serving women are far far less likely to have been trafficked, coerced, pimped, raped and abused etc. I rather suspect 99% do it because they want to, not because they have no other option"

What's that based on? It's possible that quite a few male prostitutes serving women are also serving gay men as that's a much bigger market.

[hoolabaybee]

Join Pof

[SleepFreeZone]

Your problem is finding a man who is actually good in bed and that you're not going to fall for and then fuck with your head. Good luck with that!😜

[Lonelyatxmas]

What's the difference between a fuck buddy and friends with benefits?

[RestlessTraveller]

For me, a fuck buddy is someone you keep around just for fucking. A FWB is someone who you are actual friends with but fuck as well.

[HeddaGarbled]

Get a vibrator?

I just can't see how going to a stranger's house or meeting a stranger in a hotel can be anything other than risky.

[Frankelly66]

I think go shopping Ann summers, much safer. Alternatively I agree with another post, I think if you show you are up for it straight away you will get in trouble, I think you need to come across as looking for more but if you feel a connection it will naturally lead into casual sex

[user1483524971]

careful marbles

Its an interesting question - but not sure that I'd be comfortable with finding a male prostitute in the yellow pages no..

Ann summers - is just not the same

How do you find a (decent) swinger's club? I hesitate to google that while at work ..picturing the Louis Theroux documentary with middle aged Californian swingers ..I'm 30s

[ladygrinnings0ul]

Have you found someone yet ?!?

[lottieandmia]

I used to be a member of killing kittens but in the end I never went to any parties because I talked to some other members who said the places weren't very clean. Ewwwwww

[IamMee]

Good question lonelyatchristmas... and answer restlesstraveller... but then what is the difference between friends with benifits and a relationship.... I struggle with where that line is drawn!!

[BreconCarreg]

I work on the assumption that relationships are what you have with everyone you know, so what kind of relationship you have is the interesting bit - sexual, romantic, friendly, professional, familial etc. Then when it comes to people I'm sleeping with that might be sexual and romantic or sexual and friendly but it's quite unlikely to be purely sexual. Respect and liking each other are pretty much essential for good relationships of all kinds.

[fulberoo]

Please don't go to Ann Summers, for the love of god. Their stuff is shit.

[Lonelystarbuckslover]

Join pof or tinder. Blokes will outright suggest hook ups or they'll bang you and not call in that time honoured tradition, so my friends tell me anyway

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Join pof or tinder. Blokes will outright suggest hook ups or they'll bang you and not call in that time honoured tradition, so my friends tell me anyway"

Exactly. I can't see how anyone can fail to find casual sex since so many women looking for a relationship are getting offered it.

[NotTheFordType]

Swingers clubs in my experience are fucking minging and the men usually outnumber the women by a factor of about 25 to 1. They all start slowly drifting towards you as you come in, like sharks scenting blood in the water. It's INSANELY threatening. Although if your idea of sexy bed linen is that it's wipe-clean and durable, you'll be in heaven

I couldn't put out of my mind the image of the cleaner coming along afterwards with a packet of Aldi lemon wipes...

It's incredibly hard to find male escorts for women because it's such a tiny market. You're much better putting up a dating profile. If you use a specific adult hookup site that's paid membership only, you'll get a much higher quality of respondent. Your problem will be sifting the wheat from the chaff.

When I put up a profile a few years ago, as a size 18 mid-thirties woman, I had over 700 email responses. Of those probably 600 went straight to delete. Of the remainder, about half went to trash after one email exchange. (A lot of these guys put a lot of effort into their first message, which I suspect is often a template or written by a friend. Once they're on their own, their lack of intelligence or wit is apparent, which is not what I'd call a panty dropper.)

So that left about 50 who I exchanged a few more emails with, eliminating as I went, until I had a small pool of possible candidates who I invited to demonstrate their skills I ended up with one regular FWB. We initially met in hotels until I felt comfortable inviting him to mine or me going to his (no kids at home.)

[noego]

You need a friend and lover that understands you and respects your individuality. I hate the phrase FWB. I much prefer friends and lovers. They are out there. Single and wanting the same as you.

[ShatnersWig]

Gwen said "Exactly. I can't see how anyone can fail to find casual sex since so many women looking for a relationship are getting offered it"

As a 42-year old man who has been single for six years and would be quite happy to break the drought, please explain how to find it (and no, this is not an advert). Maybe this is where I've been going wrong. All the time I was online dating or using Tinder, I was looking for dates and a relationship. I never once thought of messaging a woman and just saying "fancy a casual shag then?"

[BitchQueen90]

I have a FWB and it was actually someone I met online, not a dating site though. It was somebody I already knew by sight and knew a bit about him but hadn't spoke before.

We were both completely honest about what we wanted, neither of us have the inclination for a relationship (he doesn't want commitment and I just don't want a new person in my and DS's life). We meet up about once a fortnight when DS is with his dad. We are friends as well as lovers and we get along really well, we have a laugh together.

Neither of us is the type to get attached though, I can be quite cold when it comes to emotions and I don't know many other women who could have that sort of set-up (I often get lectured by friends on how I can "do better", they just don't understand that I don't want a proper boyfriend). You have to be really really sure that you can handle it without emotions getting in the way.

Swingers clubs sound like a good option as it's pretty anonymous but then you might end up with multiple partners. 😁

[noego]

There are times though when you just want to go out or dinner or the movies or stay at home, glass of wine and watch a video. It may get intimate and then it may not. With a friend and lover it is accepted that sometimes one of you may not be in the mood and that's ok to. There is intimacy, physical contact and then there is raw sex.
If you just want a shag without connection, then swinger clubs, tinder, OLD etc are where you can get just that. Just put it in your profile. If you want a little more, then put that in your profile. You will get inundated with the dross, but if you are patient you will find the right one. Infinite patience is required or may come across someone in RL. Be clear about what you require. There was a good thread on this recently, but I haven't got a clue how to link it.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Shatners, my comment was aimed at women, sorry.
You might not have been sending those kinds of messages, but my friends are receiving them.

[noego]

One other tip. Make sure he has his own place. There will be times when you want to make a booty call :o) Why should it always be at your place?
You can then leave whenever you want. Its a bit difficult sometimes when you have just shagged someone to tell them to leave and can be misconstrued by them as being used. There are little pitfalls like this that need to be discussed beforehand. Openness, honesty and truthfulness are key in these relationships. That why a good solid friendship is vital, without attachment of course.

[Summerisdone]

I'm similar situation to yourself, single mum who struggles to get out and meet people due to lack of childcare. In fact the only time I do have childcare are the odd occasion when I work nights at work (in a pub). This means I will often stay over and have a drink with other colleagues on that night. This is when I get laid, I sleep with a colleague on a semi regular basis. I know some people wouldn't go there with someone they work with, but for me it works as we were both upfront from the beginning about it being just a hook up and nothing more. We get on generally but I wouldn't say he's one of the people I'm closest to in work so no worries of ruining a good friendship, but he's still not a complete stranger so no initial awkwardness. Also had to make sure that the very first time it happened we refused to let it be awkward, and we're just normal with each other, because if you get over the first time awkwardness then it means it won't become so any other time.