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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is giving your husband space a good thing?

64 replies

user1483460452 · 03/01/2017 16:55

H wants some space to decide if he wants to end our 16 yr marriage. I have to just wait and see what he decides for my future. Should I wait? Is this delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1483460452 · 03/01/2017 18:17

Blimey! Hadn't thought of that. I'll give him his space and expect the worst and begin to move on

OP posts:
jules179 · 03/01/2017 18:24

You can't keep him by hanging on.

I agree with the comments about an OW, if you want him still then your best bet is to show him exactly what life would be like without you.

Original poster
user1483460452 · 03/01/2017 18:24

Thank you for your warning LouSaint :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
user1483460452 · 03/01/2017 18:26

Thanks Jules, you make perfect sense

OP posts:
CatBallou2 · 03/01/2017 18:27

You'll be fine without him, honestly. I was left after 30 years 1 year ago, no DC, and I'm ok. Everyone told me that I'd be ok, but I just couldn't see that would be possible. I went through hell for many months and even now I have sad times, but I know that I'll have a good life, either on my own or with a new partner.

Don't waste time waiting around for him to decide your future. Start living your life for you, regardless of what he says or does.

Original poster
user1483460452 · 03/01/2017 18:31

I am new to this arena and the abbreviations, what does DC mean, been muddling through

OP posts:
MistressMaisie · 03/01/2017 18:49

You can't have been on MN long.

This type of bollocks talk from your DH always means he has met someone else he is interested in (or could already be involved in).

Go and see a solicitor as a priority so that you know how things might pan out if you do separate. You are in a much better position if you know the facts than if you are panicking inside about how you will find the money to pay the mortgage or whatever. He could be moving in with a new partner so two incomes, you would be on your own.

This doesn't mean the end, just find out the facts so that you are in a better position to argue your case if you need to. And you can appear confident and feisty, not weak and clinging (which imo is less appealing).

Original poster
user1483460452 · 03/01/2017 18:54

Right. I am off to the gym :-) thank you for all of your support, I suspect I may be back for more...

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 03/01/2017 18:56

What are his plans for moving out? Where will he go?

I think you need to define the rules for space, do you have contact? Are you able to see other people? What is the process for reconnecting? You don't want an open ended deal as you will be left hanging.What about finances?

Nellyphants · 03/01/2017 18:56

Do you know the snog by the Beautiful South 'I need a little time'? Listen to the lyrics & you'll get your answer

Nellyphants · 03/01/2017 18:57

That should have been song!

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 03/01/2017 19:03

I suspect he actually needs time away from you to see if his bit on the side is worth throwing your marriage away for.....
Seriously, he's just decided he needs space?! It's the oldest line in the book. No doubt he'll screw her brains out and then come back to you once they're arguing about who's turn it is to put the bins out.....
I would also expect him to announce he's going away for a few days to 'clear his head' and/or refuse to tell you where he's staying.

RockyBird · 03/01/2017 19:07

nelly was just thinking the same thing.

Good luck OP. Give him all the space he needs, permanently.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 03/01/2017 19:15

Nelly I thought of that song to!
I'm sorry User you are clearly very upset and I really feel for you, but you need to prepare yourself for the worse. This is something that men say to try to give them an easy 'out'.
So give him his space, set a time limit, stay away from him and work on yourself, your own emotional and physical welfare and legal rights then you'll be in a much stronger position when he's finally made up his mind.
Another thing to bear on mind, this sounds cold but really it's true make sure you know how you stand financially and legally. So many women on here get left by thier husbands who promise not to be the bad guy and will be fair / take care of you. They don't....
Also an old friend once told me. She left me because the grass was greener and I found out that it is.

Original poster
user1483460452 · 04/01/2017 21:46

Thank you Nellyphants, I have just read the lyrics and listened to the song, absolutely hits the nail on the head, maybe I should recommend my H does the same...what do you think, rather than save it for when he has made his mind up.
BTW he is planning on moving out, probably to share with a mate and his flat mate, all blokes, been pushing for time frame, the best I can get is weeks, maybe 2....

OP posts:
Original poster
user1483460452 · 04/01/2017 21:47

Sorry that is 2 weeks to make up his bloody mind....

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 04/01/2017 22:04

2 weeks at a mate's flat?? Sounds even more weird.What age is your H?

Why would a man give up the comforts of a home to flatshare? I'm assuming he would still go through work each day.
It feels like he has plans for that time.

Original poster
user1483460452 · 04/01/2017 22:07

Believe it or not he is 44, maybe after 2 weeks, if he decides to leave me then he can get something permanent....

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2017 22:17

I'd let him have as much space as an astronaut and begin to detach myself from him emotionally. I've never had the desire to be with anyone who doesn't feel the same as I do.

Even if he had space and then came back, I just wouldn't feel the same and I'd be on edge and wondering when next he wanted space would be. It's like being on death row.

Original poster
user1483460452 · 04/01/2017 22:24

I agree that is what it feels like except with death row at least there is some certainty...

It's all weird and as far as I can see unnecessary, why can't we just talk about it now!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2017 22:28

This is a rare instance where an ultimatum is required. Either he agrees to couples counseling or it's over. Perhaps he does want it to end, and if so, counseling will help him to stop being so wishy washy.

ThePinkOcelot · 04/01/2017 22:31

Don't hang about waiting for him. When my H suggested a trial separation, I said no, no trial. If he was leaving, he was leaving. No way was I going to hang around on tenterhooks waiting for him to make up his mind. We were split for about 6 months when we eventually got back together. Good luck OP x

LesisMiserable · 04/01/2017 23:17

When I had decided I needed to leave my Exh (nobody else involved btw) I told him quite truthfully I needed space away to see how I felt. I moved out and took a 6 month rental house. When I moved into it I had no idea whether I would miss him, whether I had made a mistake. Within two weeks I knew I was never going back. Usually, when the talk comes up as it has done with you, the decision is made in the head and the heart follows…

If I was on the end of it instead of the one initiating as I was, I would tell him it was completely over as far as you are concerned. He's already decided. You can't lose anything now by being decisive yourself and taking some kind of control back.

And better things will be round the corner, I guarantee it.

SandyY2K · 05/01/2017 00:33

I agree that is what it feels like except with death row at least there is some certainty...

Some people get their sentence commuted to life.

It's all weird and as far as I can see unnecessary, why can't we just talk about it now!

Because he wants to say he gave it a chance and not look like the bad guy.

I wouldn't be the fall back girl. I think the love is gone for him.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2017 01:44

Above all, do NOT plead with him, bargain with him, beg him to reconsider, or do the 'pick me dance'. If you have been, stop NOW. Keep your dignity. You will be very glad you did in the end, no matter which way things turn out.