Does the guilt ever go?

[WynterBlossom]

Hey, so you all probably know me by now & probably hugely bored of me and my story! I don't blame you....however I come on here for the upfront and honest answers.

Anyways now I've established I am probably a nause to most on here, here's my issue!

Every time I do anything for my unborn baby, either buy things, go to appointments or anything solely to do with him. I leave crying because I feel nothing but guilt that his father isn't there to share it & wont be there when he's born & will miss all his "firsts" & milestones.

Will this feeling ease over time??

His father left 8 weeks ago Thursday, haven't heard from him since, he put all the apps and times in his phone so is fully aware but just never turned up, yet I'm the one left feeling guilty to my baby that his dad is a wanker!

Please please tell me il stop feeling like this, I can't cope with it

What makes you think that he'll stick around with his next gf? He's likely to do the same to her.

I wish my ex did die, it sounds so bad but at least I can tell my son that his dad didn't leave us....he was taken.

I feel so fucking guilty because my ex has made me hate this pregnancy, I'm not looking forward to my baby coming and for that I HATE MYSELF

Please be more gentle with yourself, OP. You've been through so much, of course your feelings are churned up. Give yourself time and patience. You'll soon feel stronger and, as you do, you'll find yourself beginning to look forward rather than stuck mourning the past. Trust that your heart will heal and your baby will bring all the love it needs when it comes.

I am trying to very hard to move forward however I had a horrendous dream about my baby & it has set me back....I am now absolutely petrified...the dream seemed so detailed & now I am honestly so so scared.

It's all so much to deal with, I feel like I make progress & then I wake up & back to square one.

I don't want to go to sleep in case I have another horrendous dream!

Someone hypnotise me!

You will come through this, Wynter. It will take time, but you will. Just hang on in there.

Aw op I feel for you..

I think first milestones are important too. But they don't have to be with the father and some fathers are there but not particulary enchanted about it anyway. You say you have great support so why not choose a special guy, cousin, friend, uncle (for me it would be my brother) etc, not someone you'll ever be romantically attached to but one who you know will always be there, and ask him to be a kind of godfather figure. A kind man who will be there at important moments, that you can tell about first steps and that your baby can see from time to time. It could be an amazing gift to your DC and great for you too. Believe me, from the sounds of it, you're better off by miles without your ex and free to meet a much better father and partner than he'd ever have been.

Thank you for all your kind supporting words.

I keep telling myself to just relax & give myself time however the irrational side of me jumps in & starts telling me Il be like this forever, that I won't ever find anyone else.

I'm absolutely petrified of the labour, the birth & everything after that.....I'm scared il get PND....that I won't cope, as you can all tell I'm a very anxious person about the future!

I guess I relied on my ex for support far too much, something I now regret!

Mysinkingheart is right, OP. Count yourself lucky you found out now rather than later. It's even worse when you're 50+ and struggling with loneliness and what feels like the waste of over 20 years. You're still very young, with plenty of time to meet someone who deserves you.

I agree with you completely, I am so very glad it was after 8 months and not 8 years...I know 8 months isn't long enough to get "upset" over however it's simply because I am pregnant with his child, the child we were absolutely over the moon about when we found out, the same baby he cried over when I told him maybe we weren't working at the time as he felt we should try simply because our baby should have his mother and father together.
So silly me! I decided oh he's right, what sort of person would I be if I split our baby's family up before he had even arrived.

Then a couple of months later, he ups and leaves without a second word. No contact, not even for updates.

I am so trying to stay positive and think "fuck Him", I get to witness my baby's first smile, first laugh, first steps....he will miss all of it...yes he can have more kids and be there for that however he won't ever get it back with his first baby.

I only hope this guy wasn't my last chance at love! I do hope there is another man out there for me! Someone who will treat me how I should be treated, who would love me as much as I would them & love my son eventually like their own.

Of course there is! So think of this time as getting ready for that future you want. Be the woman and mother that will attract that kind of guy.
It's completely understandable that you feel this upset but try to take it one day at a time, find a way to relax, your baby will feel it and you'll both benefit. Think of small things you could do for yourself, buy a little present for yourself that can be a reminder of what you want for you and the baby, à bracelet maybe? You will be ok I promise and when you meet that guy you will be soooo glad you didn't miss out...

WB,

You can't see it now, but he's done you a favour by showing who he is now.
It allows you to find a decent father for your baby, instead of him bonding with the little one and then abandoning you.

There's more to being a dad than shooting sperm.

Focus on your baby, who is wanted and was planned. Treasure that little life who will depend on you for survival. Being a mum is a great reward. If you don't have the right man by your side, it's best to haveno man.

You'll be okay. ... and you have great family support.

Shame on your Ex. He's not worthy of your love anyway.

Thank you for all of your advice and support, this forum is what keeps me going.

I am trying to keep myself busy until he arrives as I can't bear to be alone, so I'm going to work until 36 weeks.

I reached out to his sister yesterday to arrange to meet before the baby comes, to discuss them seeing him, however his sister ignored me so rather than sit around hoping for a text or a call...I changed my number, I have reached out twice now & both times I've basically been ignored!
They should be contacting ME to see him, not the other way around.

I'm done with him & his family, I've tried & that's all I can do.

I still struggle a little each day, I'm just trying to be a bit more positive as the time gets closer.

He's an asshole, he didn't& doesn't deserve the perfect family life....he will probably make the relationship work with the new gf, simply because he's turned 30 & is desperate to settle down!

She sounds a real charmer...all it would take is a polite "sorry but I'd rather not get involved. Hope you and the baby are well." At best they're really immature and prefer to avoid issues than to communicate but even that sucks. Just more evidence that you are well rid of them all.

I'm glad to hear you sound angry with them. And well done for changing number. That's you being a great Mum right there, keeping yourself and baby safe from toxic bullshit.

It's all so confusing, I needed to end it all & finally walk away for my own sanity.

She messaged me before xmas to tell me her & her mother would like to be involved however due to his sisters "busy schedule", we couldn't meet to discuss anything until January when she could "fit me in" to her plans!

She then messaged to ask for all communication to go through her as my ex didn't want to talk to me, so when I did what she asked, she didn't like it & turned around & said "il have to speak with mum, I don't want to be the go between both you & him, this isn't fair on me".

I blocked her after that because I was so angry that she came out with it all & then changed her mind!

I decided as I had calmed down, to reach out again & this time I was met with ignorance.

I personally don't care for his family, I didn't know them that well, I was just trying to do right by my son, good for him, he won't ever know who they are! Something I'm glad about.

Like people have said, their loss, not mine.

I'm going to do the best I can, to ensure he is loved enough by me that he won't feel he NEEDS his dad.

He won't feel he needs someone he doesn't know, which is why it's a godsend that you've got away from such a toxic, selfish family. I feel truly relieved for you and your son.

You tried, more than once, and she behaved very badly to you, especially knowing you're pregnant. So no contact as of now, whatever silly games they might try in the future just because it suits them. Short of a major shift in awareness though, I doubt they'll be back with the required massive apology to get the right to see you both. Yes it's their loss, they should be ashamed.

Anyway, waste no more energy trying to understand or work things out. Sounds like your life will be a lot simpler with those losers out of it.

I agree, I now don't want contact with my ex or any of his family....it's far too much hassle & let's be fair, selfishly I don't want to share my son with my ex & his family.

The apology I expect won't come, I completely agree with you on that....I'm sure my ex (if he did decide he wanted contact) would simply turn up shouting the odds about how he has rights.
Or! He'll just get his new gf pregnant & ignore the fact he's got a son....won't be the first guy to do it & definitely won't be the last!

Over time I will fully appreciate the fact he fucked off now & not in 8 years! I will heal eventually, unfortunately it'll just take time.

Yes you will heal.
And you can be sure that even if he does have a child with someone else he'll still be the same person. He's not going to miraculously transform into super Dad/partner.
So don't torture yourself with that thought... you sound lovely and once the sadness passes you'll manage just fine. Best wishes op x

OP, it took me a while to get into the mindset I'm in now which is basically, if you'll excuse the language, fuck him and fuck his family, but seriously, once I did I felt so much better and I'm sure you'll get there too in time. Believe me when I say I'm not a mean person and it's very hard for me to ever think badly of people or to not try and see the good in people and forgive people for their mistakes but when children are involved, your perspective on so many things changes in an instant. Like you, I reached out during my pregnancy but got absolutely nothing but grief; they had no regard for the stress they and my ex were putting on me by the way they behaved and therefore had no regard for my baby, and as your ex's family are clearing displaying the same kind of behaviour I completely agree with mysinkingheart that it's a bloody good thing you got away from such shitty people.

You won't get an apology and anything he may have said in regards to the baby I suspect will all be unfounded, which is a blessing believe me. Many people will tell you that it isn't fair to 'punish' or 'tar' his family with the same brush as it's not their fault that he's an asshole etc, and I'm sure I'll probably get flamed for this but if there's anything I've learnt, it's that when they're all just as toxic, they've all gotta go. In some cases, when the people you're dealing with are decent and considerate, then yes it would be extremely unfair to do such a ting but this is not one of those times. You do not have to answer to them, or respond to anything, you owe them nothing. They'll probably all regret it at some point or expect you to do something about the consequences of his behaviour, I know my ex's sister did, but it's their loss and their problem, certainly not yours and not your baby's.

You can be the mum you want to be and look after your baby how you want to without some douchebag making it hard for you, and that's a great thing! You two will have an amazing bond and all of this will honestly fade into the background; you've got so much good times to come, so start looking forward to it!

I wish I had you all as RL friends!
I'd never have even got into a relationship with the wanker, saved myself the bloody heartache.

I guess because I'm feeling sorry for myself, I think that he'll have the most amazing life & treat her better than me & any of his other exes, even though! His ex had the same treatment I did.

I just want to wake up & not even remember who he is.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today, I went back to slimming world & even though I've put on weight, I am confident I will lose the weight & be happy with how I look.

Thank you for your support xx

He has to live with the knowledge that he's not there for his child and everyone close to him knowing what he's done while you get to share your life with an amazing little person who will absolutely adore you. He won't have an amazing life, you will. It might not be how you pictured it and it will be hard but it'll be brilliant nonetheless.

The only thing I guess I can be smug about is the fact EVERYONE and I mean absolutely everyone he physically knows, knows I am expecting his child.

I don't have proof of the texts I sent his sister or to him, however he can't even come back and say "I don't see my son because wynter stopped me", quite the opposite actually.

His 2 best friends live for their kids, so I can't imagine anyone will simply sweep it under the carpet!

It's funny though, he used to go mad about his own dad not caring as he grew up &! His former best mate admitted he didn't have a relationship with his kids even though he saw them everyday.....my ex kicked up a MASSIVE stink about it!

Even more hilarious?? His former best mate was getting quite close to a girl they both worked with, so on a night out whilst drunk, my ex kicked off at his mate saying "wtf are you doing?? You've got a wife and kids at home & you are here trying to get lucky with her??! You are really willing to lose her and them over some girl?".

Looking back, I realise every last little thing even down to the "I love you" was all absolute bullshit, he was as fake as my hair piece!

Yes I am now left 26 weeks pregnant with a mans child who I actually didn't even know, who told me lie after lie, who hit me, who mentally abused me.....however, I won't regret my son because he's MINE....his father was simply a sperm donor!

Il be bloody glad to have got rid of my ex by the time my baby comes!

I will make sure I enjoy the rest of my pregnancy & actually start to properly bond with my baby rather than feel guilty every time he kicks....fuck his dad & fuck his dads family, we don't need them! I've got all the support I need on here and in RL.

Aw wynter I wish we could all meet up in RL too. One precious lesson I've learnt from MN is that the anger is healthy when you're dealing with abusive, toxic people because it gives you the drive to stay strong, not give in to any face charm offensive and especially to rise above it and be a good parent.

Being around people like that can be skew your mindset and in some of what you write I can hear comparison between you and some future lovely family he might création. He won't. If he was capable he'd be respectful of you and his son. So head high and graciously dump that mental picture in the dung heap beside him. You tried to do the right thing and he missed his chance many times.

I don't know who said this but it's my mantra if it helps, something like "the best revenge is a happy life". Focus on your happiness and baby will be fine and you'll forget about revenge because you'll be too in love with someone else

Thank you mysinkingheart.

Your words of advice truly are helpful.....who knew when I downloaded this app whilst with him (looking for pregnancy advice) would I need it for the end of my relationship!

Life really is crazy....sometimes it's hard to bloody keep up!

Ive only 14 weeks today until baby Wynter arrives....mixed emotions....absolutely scared but also excited for his arrival....I've always wondered if being a mother would be the making of me considering I've always struggled with jobs.

Who knows!

I've started CBT to help with past issues which have formed part of the reason I've dealt with the break up this way.

I'm waiting for counselling

I do meditation each night before bed without fail.

I also attend slimming world due to being 6 stone overweight! The group leader is amazing...I didn't think it would be possible to achieve my goal by the end of the year however he has told me that as long as I stick to the plan religiously....he can guarantee the weight loss.

I'm feeling quite positive about life right now! I hope I can be around a stone lighter by the time the baby arrives, which would mean I'd weigh less than I did when I actually fell pregnant!

I will continue to use Mumsnet until 1. Everyone gets sick of me and tells me to piss off!

1. I feel strong enough not to seek reassurance.

However, feel free to tell me to suck it up and get on with it at any time! Sometimes that's what I need.

Yes mumsnet is a godsend it truly is. I don't know how I'd have got away from my exh without it!

Counselling can really help too, to get away from unhelpful patterns and feel more centred in relationships in general. I used to be weighed down by guilt for no logical reason. It was due to a glaring lack of self esteem and behaviour learned from my Mum, who I love deeply but wasn't a great role model other than for putting up with bullies by trying to understand their behaviour instead of saying no to it! If that sounds familiar there's quite a lot of us in the same boat!

Anyway..great about the meditation too, you'll have a lovely zen baby !

You sound more upbeat today? That's the way! Don't worry about the weight too much, getting rid of your x will be the best diet ever. I found that as I got lighter of heart and focused on my values the excessed dropped off. When you detox mentally your body follows so all the more reason to flush him out of your system

When I'm not on here you'll be in my thoughts. You're bringing back memories of being pregnant and it is daunting but can be so wonderful too :)

I've been a single parent twice with dd 24 dad and then with ds9 dad being an absolute wanker my dd dad is great but my ds dad went nc after 7 yrs never had a penny off him and yes there are times I've cried for my son as I've seen the hurt and pain his been through but the good times outweigh the bad times xx stay strong it does get better