Grown up Dd rude to me in my own home and unsupportive dh.

[whatisforteamum]

Dd moved out this yr and as it is four hr journey asked if she could stay over xmas.we have no spare rooms as dh has one so do I and D's.I started a new job on shift s so did D's so I pointed out it could be tricky and doing 15 hr days I would it see her.Dh arranged to go to hers over the hold with presents as he had two and a half weeks leave.
In the meantime my new job didn't work out (1st time in twenty hrs) and I found a new one.I then got stu k down by the flu and spent 8 days in PJs and lost half a stone.again 1 st to e in decades.
Dh brought CD back with him for a few days so she can visit my DM and df who is terminally I'll.
Now it transpires she is staying two weeks.even this would be OK if she wasn't so rude.critical and using dh against me.
I will admit I'm still struggling with exhaustion and all the upset of the last two weeks however I think d d should show some respect while she is staying and at least not be winding me up.
I feel so lonely as d d and dh side with each other.I am quite shocked how rude she is and he does nt step in.Iam trying to see it from her point of view but I'm struggling tbh.
I did point out d d would have to help out before she arrived.help.

I'm 37 and my mother sleeps on the sofa so I can stay at home when I visit (she insists she doesn't sleep well anyway). Poor kid must feel like shit tbh!

I remember your name whatsfortea, I think there is much more to it than you're saying. I think your DH doesn't treat you well does he? How come you are still there? Were you thinking of leaving?

Think you're struggling to find sympathy here OP. If there are ever any space issues in our family we share beds. I happily share a bed with my DD or my DH with my DS.

We're running a few years behind you on the space count - dh and I also don't sleep together due to his snoring. 3 bedrooms so each teen dd with her own room, I sleep in the bedroom and dh is on a mattress in the living room. It isn't ideal but we can't manage a bigger house, and it has no bad effect on our relationship. 18 yr old dd1 plans to go to uni later this year, and then dh or I will start sleeping in her room. But of course we'll still make space any time she comes home. I can't understand why you couldn't just go back to the way you slept before for the duration of her visit. Especially when you managed it for so many years before .

Can't you and your husband share a room for a few days/week while she visit? A little sacrifice to spend with family?
I think no matter what you daughter did or didnt do you would have found something to not like. Sad.

I think that's very sad you refused to accomdate your daughter for Christmas atleast your dh stuck up for her. Regardless of your strict up bringing that's disgraceful. Christmas is about family what message does it send to her?

Jaysus, you've got bigger problems than your dd being rude. DH " has a temper" ? Is he abusive to you op?

What kind of things does she say or do? What do you mean about siding against you?

How often does your husband get angry and why? (Have you thought about calling Women's Aid at all?)

Fwiw, it's hard for me not to project because my mum thinks I'm rude and that my dad and I always "side against her" - like when she calls me rude names or gets blindingly angry for no reason, and he says something vague like "that's not very kind".

I avoid them both as much as possible now and she makes me very unwelcome if I try. So maybe your daughter will stop trying one day too - would that be a good or bad thing for you?

Have you tried talking to them calmly and rationally about all this?

I'm sorry OP but I really feel for your DD

I live with my mum,but if I didn't I'd be so hurt and upset if I wanted to be at home with her over Christmas and there was too many excuses why I couldn't

Same if I wanted to go stay at my dad and stepmum's

Although it appears you have issues with you DH, I stand by him for sticking by your daughter.

I don't see why you simply just couldn't accommodate her.

Christmas time is time for us lucky to have family, to come together and you tried to push her away

More to this obviously, but I think you was very unreasonable, 2 weeks isn't a massive deal surely? Well...clearly for you

This just doesn't sound like a happy home and your dd is reflecting that. My own DC are young adults and they do regress a bit into teenagers when they come to stay until I remind them.

I'm sorry you feel unwell and sorry it's all so difficult but perhaps now when you aren't working and she's home you could try to reconnect a little and have some nice times together? Eat foods you both like, watch silly old to programmes you've previously enjoyed, get out for a walk?

It won't be easy and you might well have to bite your tongue but she sounds unhappy and you are still her mum. Depending on your own style how about a hug and a suggestion of hot chocolate and a film?

OP - it sounds like there are quite a few problems and some unhappiness at home

I'm not sure how your daughter is being 'rude' but if so, it may be that she feels hurt about not being welcomed at home and is expressing it

My own family are far from the Waltons, but I don't think I'd have much time for my parents if they ever gave me the impression I was not welcome in their home

One year it was suggested I stay at a hotel for Xmas (long story - argumentative family) - I left the family home that night and did not go back the next year: being welcomed at home is the bare minimum a child could expect from a parent

Just a thought OP

Do you think your DD is also struggling with your parents serious health issues? And maybe she's missed you and is hurt and upset and just wants her family round her

I think OP is getting a hard time. Sounds like DD is rude and sides with OP's DH to isolate and wind up OP.

OP, please do not think this is a normal way to live. I have seen grown children bully their parents, I hope this is not what is happening here. How old is DD?

I'm 34 and my Mum and Dad always makes it clear that I am welcome at home (including decorating and furnishing a bedroom for my DC). I could be wrong, but it seems you are bitter towards your daughter, like you don't want her around because she is close to her Dad.
Is this the case? Are you jealous of their relationship? Or does it make you angry that she speaks to him when he has been so abusive towards you?

If this is the case, why are you choosing to remain in this relationship? You could have left your husband fourteen years ago! Which might have improved the relationship with your daughter! Please remember that as she his daughter, your dh will likely be completely lovely towards her. She might not see the angry, threatening/ abusive man that you see. She might just see a Mum that doesn't want her at home......and a Dad who defends her and supports her

OP, I have been where your DD is now. I moved 350 miles away from the family home for work, then came back for a holiday with DH. We asked mum and dad if we could stay with them (no DC's at the time) to which mum told me that they had other people staying. The people staying was a bunch of crap as it transpired that mum just didn't want us to stay at the house. We got a call asking us to dinner, but we refused telling mum that we had already made plans.

There was a lot of angry words from mum claiming that we don't care about family to even attend dinner. I had had enough and told her in no uncertain terms that it was no wonder we didn't want to go to theirs for dinner if she didn't want us to stay at her house and lied about it instead of just being truthful, and that we would never be staying at her house again. Dad, on the other hand, wanted us to stay with them, but was far too ill to disagree with mum and have to deal with the fallout of that.

We went to our friend's house and they welcomed us with open arms, gave us the key to come and go when we needed, and when they heard about the fiasco, said "If your parents don't want you to stay at their house, our door is always open for you."

So you see OP, if you are not going to welcome your DD back home for a short stay, can you really blame her if she decides to not do anything with you during the time she's there? I know I refused to go to my parents house for the whole 2 weeks DH and I were on holiday, and just stayed with the people who actually wanted to be in our company. Now mum wonders why we have absolutely zero relationship.

My children will always be welcome home, no matter how many rooms I have.

I'm not surprised she is rude, it doesn't sound like a welcoming family environment.

Op I remember your previous threads about your DH very obviously playing favourites, making DD the golden child and your DS the scapegoat. It doesn't surprise me that she has moved out as soon as she could to escape the atmosphere.

Unfortunately you have chosen to stay in this dysfunctional marriage for reasons of your own and as a result I suspect neither of your children have good boundaries, respect for either of you, or a grasp of what healthy relationships look like.

Thanks for replying I will try harder to make her welcome before I alienate her
A.S for staying with dh another family member split from their partner and was sofa surfing before being made officially homeless and getting a small room with an electric oven the size of a microwave.
Not everyone can afford to live on their own.

I really know nothing about your situation, but many years ago I rented a house and then looked for people to share it with me, otherwise I would also have been stuck in a small room.

Good news dd and I have been getting on great.I must be felt quite unwell when she arrived.we had such a great time and she witnessed dh s outbursts first hand when we went shopping and even asked him why he was such an arsehole to her and myself.!!Also she commented how bad his hearing is as he won't wear his hearing aid.it was refreshing for some one else who doesn't live with him to realise how hard it is to repeat everything.

Why are you with him?

springy She's been listening to scare stories and thinks they won't be able to afford living separately

OP, there's 9 in our immediate family and then 10 dgc. So it's a pretty snug fit if we all stay in mums 4 bed house.
Just means some will sleep on blow up matteresses/sofa/share beds....

It's no wonder she was being so hostile towards you - her own mother was rejecting her! Telling her there's no more room in the inn!
Whatevers going on between you and your dh needs sorting. Otherwise things like this will chip away at your relationship.

Maybe, if you separated from dh and were able to spend time with dd without his presence looming over your shoulder - you might start resenting her less and liking her more.

I'm glad you both had a good time, what's!
If you dislike living with your husband, get advice on your situation from someone like CAB. You've a long time left together yet, and it sounds like you'd be better on your own.

I'm really glad you and your dd are getting along . How did your H respond to being called out on his behaviour by her ?

OP, I am glad the visit went well. It does sound as if you need to take stock of your own expectations of what parenthood and family relationships are like and should be like, because as the reactions of other posters will have told you, your ideas are very far from being the norm.

I also come from a large family, and my parents would absolutely pull out all stops to make me feel welcome however inconvenient it was for them, because I, their child, (along with all their other children) am the most important thing in the world to them. They wouldn't even notice the temporary inconvenience of having to share a room with the snorer (or even having to sleep on the floor) when balanced against the chance to welcome their own child for Christmas. They have been known to house 17 people at Christmas in a small house and still miss the ones who couldn't make it.

Yes, I am respectful and loving towards them, but all the respect and love I have for people comes from that place of having been made to feel loveable and welcome. It was their job to teach me that and they did. They still managed to be strict on behaviour and that was not a problem, but the main thing was that I always knew their expectations came from a place of love.

My dd will be moving out next September and no doubt I will sometimes use her room to sleep in or as a guest room. But it will still be her room and she will always know she is welcome.