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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help please

47 replies

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 01:47

long story dp just stormed out and told dd age 5 it was her fault because she wouldnt go to bed. hours tryng to get her to bed but something thats been an issue for a while . he ripped the phone out my hand when I tried to call the police and started getting really angry only because I attempted to call them. Do I call the police now or leave it. I dont need ss involved I dont trust them. I lost my temper and shoved a mini tree to him he wanted then he threw it at me in temper. Hes been emotionally abusive to me for months. total narcissist.

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Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 01:53

after all that DD has finally stopped trying every trick in the book to go to bed and is playing along but Im scared this has traumatised her and she is doing as she feels she is to blame. she kept saying she didnt want him to leave and he loves him. He kept telling her it was because of her and calling me names.

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Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:03

anyone please?

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LockedOutOfMN · 02/01/2017 02:05

Sorry, I don't know what to advise you. If he has gone and you can lock him out tonight I suggest a night looking after your daughter. Then look at things with fresh eyes in the morning.

Has he said abusive things or been violent before? Does he have mental health issues?

Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:13

thank you replying. I dont know where to start. He refuses wash - because its two cold. Between early nov and now hes taken 2 showers. Ive told him how much it upsets me but he doesnt care. He always blames DD says she gets him into trouble with me when he just wont admit to anything. He thinks everyone is evil purely because he doesnt like people. he wont go out when its light only when dark to 'avoid' people. He looks down on them. His family are not much better. I regularly get laughed at, ignored or belittled or namecalled. he gaslights all the time. turns everything into being my fault or DDs. He does have a temper but he rarely leaves the house and hates doctors. He says they no nothing because he still has symptoms of an illness. Told DD he was dying before he even got his blood results which came back clear. He didnt even bother to go get the results for weeks on end as he was so lazy. I could go on but I think Im bewteen venting and not wanting this to stay behind closed doors. I feel guilty because Im just not the person he is but I feel so bad for DD. He has his own house but refused to leave mine even though I could have lost it because of him.

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tinglyfing · 02/01/2017 02:15

Sorry I've not understood why you have called the police?

Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:19

I didnt call I tried to. He was getting aggressive and Ive been asking to leave for months. There is nothing between us but he still stayed and refused to leave. I thought finally calling they would help me get him removed.

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Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:24

I feel so bad he ripped up the pjs he got for christmas. The ones DD helped pick for him.

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LockedOutOfMN · 02/01/2017 02:26

Does he have family he can go to live with? Maybe you need to get their help.

Or make a call to Women's aid and see if they can offer advice.

hesterton · 02/01/2017 02:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:34

he does but he doesnt visit. Thats a whole other story though he will probably go back and bad mouth me now I wont cook, clean and give him access to 24 hour internet. He just has no respect for me or dd unless he feels like it. He has his own house. No heating since he bought because he is such a cheapskate. I tried to help him. I really did.

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Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:35

He has left now only becuase I tried to call the police. He is angry over that not because I stuck up for myself or DD.

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RebelRogue · 02/01/2017 02:38

Whose name is the house in? How are the finances?

He's either a complete cuntpuddle or has serious MH issues. But those are not your issues,and most importantly they are not your daughter's issues. He's not only abusing you.he's abusing her as well. Ring women's aid and take steps to get him out of your lives. Enough is enough.

Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:42

house in council in my name his is a bought house. He wasnt supposed to be living with me. I told him to leave or at the very least only stay a couple nights but he refused. He wanted to 'beat the system' to get one over on them. Whoever they are. I've been terrified I was going to lose everything. I was mulling over the idea of going to the council to tell them but was so scared they would say it was my fault for letting him be there.

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CakesRUs · 02/01/2017 02:44

A 5 year old doesn't need this abuse and neither do you. It's so sad that he's blaming her, it's so wrong and telling her he's dying. You need him out of your house for good. She will end up with all sorts of her own problems if he continues. Good luck. X

keepingonrunning · 02/01/2017 02:45

Report this to the police, dial 101 unless you are in immediate danger. I would expect them to confirm domestic abuse. Afterwards you should be able to phone the National Domestic Violence Helpline who will help you to get an emergency non molestation order to keep him away for a year. You have two weeks to apply.
He is abusing your DD and you. You know you need to protect her. Tell the police how afraid you are he will take revenge for you calling them.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 02:46

LilQueenie this all sounds awful. It is clear you are not happy with him and are now just very troubled with his strange behavior.

It is hard when kids are naughty or difficult but it may well be that her behaviour is a direct result of his diffiuclt behaviour.

Are you and your dp married? Is he your dd's father?

Please speak to Women's Aid

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

If he is being aggressive then you need to get help to get him out.

"I dont need ss involved I dont trust them." why don't you trust them?

"I lost my temper and shoved a mini tree to him he wanted then he threw it at me in temper." It sounds like some of the issues are aggression but you do also mention your temper too, maybe totally understandable in light of what is happening.

The way he is talking to dd is totally unacceptable.

I am afraid I am not sure what would be best, please do speak to Women's Aid. This cannot go on. You need help.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 02:47

Don't forget to cover your tracks online...

www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

RebelRogue · 02/01/2017 02:49

If the house is in your name change the locks tomorrow. Text him it's over. If he comes over,do not open the door and call the police .

keepingonrunning · 02/01/2017 02:50

you do also mention your temper
Anyone would be seriously challenged not to react, in the face of this man's level of provocation.
Remember Helen in The Archer's?

Millionsmom · 02/01/2017 02:52

Has he gone now?
Well done if he has! If not, then call the police. It's your house - your name on the rent book - he's abusive and you don't want or need him there. The police won't tell the council he's been living with you, it's not a police matter who you let stay with you as long as you're not allowing them to carry out illegal activities.
Is your DD his child? She's 5, blaming a 5 year old child for his bad temper shows you how much you DONT need this man in your life.

Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 02:59

DD is calm with me but as soon as he is around she plays up jumping around all over him and sometimes he responds. Usually its 'in a minute' or go away or such like. It hurts so much. Its like she is totally hyper. She wont listen to me all she wants is him. Im the one who takes her places he never does unless its for a quick walk. He is very passive aggressive but emotionally abusive.

I dont trust ss as they have been before after a disagreement with the hv. They kept making excuses to come back despite saying all was fine and then attempted to talk to DD about upcoming events we were still unsure off. DD was also at the age where they are not allowed to do that.

My temper is fine when he is gone its only apparant when he is around or with a certain lack of sleep as it does a lot of people. He had been at me all day then he left. I told him to take his bank book he refused. I was going to lock him out but tried to calm for DD. Got her bathed and into bed. She does not like being on her own for a couple weeks now. not sure why but Im trying to get her back to sleeping in her own bed. All was going well. He walks in and she is up like lightning all happy which is cuttin like a knife right now. I feel so bad for her. I reached a point where I passed him this mini christmas light up tree after 4 hours of DD not staying in her room ignoring me and all for him and I kind of shoved it at him. He threw it at me in anger. I would say my anger was in fact because of him yes.

I was thinking womans aid but after checking their website they can also call child protection a risk Im not willing to take. He has used that threat against me for so long.

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Original poster

LilQueenie · 02/01/2017 03:00

sorry yes he is DD's dad and not married.

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ohtheholidays · 02/01/2017 03:04

Shut and lock all the doors and make sure all the windows are locked so he can't get back in.

If your worried for yours or your DD's safety tonight because of him then ring 999 and tell the Police!

If you think he'll stay away for tonight and you feel your both safe then once you've made sure everything is locked I'd try and get some sleep.

If he stays away now first thing in the morning speak to your family,close friends anyone that you have that you can confide in and will help you also give womens aid a ring
They have a 24 hour freephone number
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
They can give you really good advice,they're very experienced and will be able to help you get things sorted out.

The house is in your name so you don't have to or need to let him back in the house,I wouldn't because his behavior towards yourself and your DD has already been unstable so do not let him back in!

Get some support and get family/friends to come round and help you pack up any of his stuff,you can ask a friend/family member if he can pick up his stuff from they're house/garage and if your scared of having any communication with him ask someone else to message /ring him for you to let him know where he can pick his stuff up from.

If you have a joint bank account or he has access to any of yours or your DD's money/savings then I'd withdraw or move(to a different bank/building society) any money that is yours as soon as you can.

I know it's a lot to take in but for now all you need to do is make sure he can't come in the house/make sure you and your DD are both safe and try and get some sleep if you can.

There's a lot of us on here who have been where you are right now,you can get through this I promise and you can be happy again and feel safe again

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2017 03:04

Running, that full sentence was..

"...you do also mention your temper too, maybe totally understandable in light of what is happening...."

Millionsmom · 02/01/2017 03:06

Surely, if he's not there, then child protection wouldn't be an issue?

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