help please

[LilQueenie]

long story dp just stormed out and told dd age 5 it was her fault because she wouldnt go to bed. hours tryng to get her to bed but something thats been an issue for a while . he ripped the phone out my hand when I tried to call the police and started getting really angry only because I attempted to call them. Do I call the police now or leave it. I dont need ss involved I dont trust them. I lost my temper and shoved a mini tree to him he wanted then he threw it at me in temper. Hes been emotionally abusive to me for months. total narcissist.

lilqueenie "He threw it at me in anger. I would say my anger was in fact because of him yes."

I am Not judging you, only commenting. You mentioned it. Your do may also mention it. If he were to mention it, I thikn all you need to do is explain, as you have, what led up to any temper on your part.

I am not judging you.

I dont want to take the chance.

Your not so dear partner may also mention it...

Italian I know. I was just explaining. I didn't feel judged.

He does gaslight me and sometimes I have to remember that because there may be things I am in the wrong for. Like yes I do have bad pmt but he doesn't pull his weight at all so he gets an earful. we can argue then a few mins or so later I can be calm and I talk or we get on and he says it not normal. Its not but I can't be trapped in this and live in pure anger so part of me tries to be nice and I can be without pretending with him as we do actually get along at times. Does that make sense? I dont want to be angry 24/7. It would kill me. I just want to be happy but Im not when is there and Im not now.

Good, glad you did not feel judged, sorry it is late my brain is a bit fried.

LilQueenie I hope you get him out. Have you got any kind of record of his abusive behavior, good to make one if you can.

Must go to bed, bless you.

Sorry i cross posted with you OP.

You are trying to do the right thing,your trying to protect your DD and yourself SS will not get involved and try and remove your DD because of that!

Your husband has been Gaslighting you by threatening you with that.
I've helped 2 women escape abusive marriages with the help of womens aid,one of those husbands had threatened his wife with the same line and she stayed for years because of it.

After she got away the courts stopped him from having any contact with his DC because of his behaviour!

With your DD behaviour alot if not all of her playing upto her Father will be because she can sense the tension bless her,it's sadly quite normal for very young children to do that,it's that way of trying to break the tension that's going on around them.

For your DD if your the one that gets left to cope with her not sleeping or her not doing as she's asked and she messes around more for you than your DH that could be because your the safe parent.It's actually a compliment to how good a Mum you must be and how patient you are with her,it shows that she feels safe with you.

That could be another reason why she's now struggling to sleep at night as well.

No but I have told the school many times snippets like using the word narcissist which I believe he is. The difference in how I treat DD and he does.

Thanks for taking the time to talk. Hope you get a good sleep.

I hate to say it but Im not good a parent. There are times I have left her with him and walked out in a temper because I need to get away from him and its so late I cant take DD with me. I go for a long walk and hate myself for it. Im not like that when hes not around.

lilQueenie.

I reckon the HV only got SS involved because of him.

This is your chance to make life much better for you and your DD, this might be the kick up the backside HE needs too.

Many of us have been in your position, it's scary and daunting, but we did it, we survived along with our kids. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured with you constantly trying to make things right for him ( cos you KNOW if he's happy then everything will fall into place ) when he's the cause of so many of your problems. You'll never 'fix' him and spending so many years trying to will result in damaging your DD.

I don't know what to do. I had social anxiety since a kid. Really bad. I was single till 27. He was a friend I knew for 6 years before that. He is the only person I have dated and now I'm back to being on my on and the loneliness that has hit me is scary. I dont know what to do with myself.

You're not alone love.

LilQueenie that is not you being a bad mum!

I worked with schools,surestart and SS before I got ill I promise you now that is not you being a bad Mum!

I felt like running away so many times when I was with my ex husband and I had two young DC,I loved them both dearly but he was such an awful person,he was really abusive,I became very depressed and I thought I had post natal depression,I even got treatment for PND but within a week of him being gone I felt so different.

I didn't have PND at all I had depression because of all the awful awful crap I was going through because of him!

You walking away and going for a walk when it all gets to much because of him is nothing,that's self preservation!

LilQueenie sending you a big hug. XX

You won't be on your own,you have your DD with you.

Do you work at the moment?If not and your able to go back to work whilst your DD is at school you could meet people that way/make new friends.
If you already work or can't go to work then you could meet other people through your DD,arrange a playdate with one of her friends,arrange a few playdates over a few weeks with different friends you could get to know the childrens parents and forge new friendships that way.

Friends/family that you have now that you haven't see as much of as you'd like to reach out to them.

Take up a hobby/hobbies you could make new friends that way with people who have the same interests as you.

When I was married to my ex husband my life had to revolve around him once I'd made the break from him I got to see my family more,I got to re connect with old friends and I got to make new friends.

I could never have done that had I stayed with him.

He's not helping you, he's only ever helped himself.
I knew a lady who married a 'nice' man - she had epilepsy, she'd fallen in a fire as a child and had burns to her face and body - so he'd rescued her by marrying her. They had a little girl who the lady doted on, the husband wasn't quite as happy with her. Overtime, dad being 'dad' was just how it was. It was normal.
It wasn't til she met a man herself she saw how she didn't want her life to be so she married her bloke at 17. Her mum was left with her dad who just got worse, but as it was behind closed doors she didn't really see.
It only came to light when her mum died and she realised how awful her dad was! She wished she'd realised when she could've done something about it. And then family who she'd not seen for years told her some horror stories about her dad. Turned out, he'd only married her mum so he had someone to take care of HIM. He was furious when she came along as it took his wife away from doing what he'd married her for, to be his slave. He deliberately picked someone who'd be 'grateful' who he could be as obnoxious as he wanted to so she wouldn't leave. He died last year, he was 90. The saddest part, his daughter wished she had been a better daughter.
He'd brainwashed her to a large extent too. The talks at his funeral where about how wonderful she is, folk came to support her, not to say goodbye to him.

You have to ability and strength to be the fabulous mother you know you can be, don't let fear stop you.

I have a couple friends but still have lots of anxiety so its not easy. Even taking up a hobby is difficult for me. He was a better friend than a partner and now I've lost both in him. I see family but not often. One of my sisters Ive only started talking to again, Im nc with my mum. I see my dad when is around and my other sister I barely see because of her partner. Ex never really stopped me seeing family I wanted to see because I just did it and he knew he couldnt stop me. In fact the more I rebelled to be my own person the worse he has become. The main line he fed was I don't care what you do. That hurt because I wanted him to care. Why stay otherwise.

didnt sleep too well last night. Had wierd dreams. Then one that he had made a key out of papier mache, gotten in and was wearing a mickey mouse mask and he had hidden my stuff. I went and brought DD in with me last night.

Woke up today hoping everything had been a bad dream. We need to top up the gas for heating as none at the moment. Something he laughed at last night as I didnt realise shops closed at 6. He admitted he was in the wrong for that one.

I just called him. there has been a man found dead, one injured near to his house. I was worried. it happened in the early hours of the morning. He asked why I bothered. I told him I wasn't as bad as he thinks. He then went on to say he was booted out because i chucked a tree at him. I did actually throw it back when he did it to me. I said there was more to it than that then he decided he didnt want to talk anymore and put the phone down. Im the only one besides dd that actually cares enough to look out for him and that was what I got.

I feel bad eating dinner with Dd knowing he is in minus zero tempratures with no food.

This is your chance to make life much better for you and your DD, this might be the kick up the backside HE needs too.

do you think it would change him enough to try again?

No I don't, sorry.

Hes never going to change. Hes a grown adult. Youve said on a previous thread he lives around the corner from his parents he probably stays in that house knowing you'll feel bad and ask him back. Let him do as he pleases.

Do not go to his do not take him back enjoy time with your dd without him if he wants to see her he takes her to his parents, dont let him back in to your home.
I know its easy for me to say this then for you to do it but be strong and get this waste of space out.