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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I am not a nice person?

47 replies

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 05:18

IDk what I have done to upset them but literally every friend I have ever had is gone.

I lonely, depressed and just so damn sick of it. I try to be nice and helpful to everyone I meet and I still end up alone.

I am the only common factor in this equation. Wish I know what I did to piss people off

OP posts:

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 05:29

I have posted on FB. I will regret when sober. BUt I am so utterly sick of being there for others and they aren't there for me.

And yes, I do mean you, yes, you, you who's rent I paid for a fucking year. I mean you.

OP posts:

Batsh1tcrazy · 01/01/2017 05:33

Why did you pay someone's rent for years? Are these "friends" disappearing after they have drained u? X

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 05:38

One year and because I thought she was a friend and was earning enough to support both of us at the time.

One friend is the friend I refer to above.

The next I genuinely thought cared for me but met me via friend above.

The others I have known since school but cannot meet up, even when I PM on FB that I am depressed and lonely (my dad had just died) because friend one doesn't feel up to it, owing to splitting from her BF of one month.

I am making it sound like I am the victim but surely I must not be. There are four other people here who all vanished with friend one.

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Batsh1tcrazy · 01/01/2017 05:44

Perhaps friend 1 is actually not nice? Try opening your social circle. Do u have a hobby where you could meet new people?

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 05:49

Online; yes. I have met awesome people, whom I love dearly.

In RL, sadly I work two full time jobs.

Friend one is friends with 2 devout christians who who are/were supposed to be my friends since primary school. I reached out to all via FB messenger after my grandad died.

They all sympthaised with friend one.

OP posts:

Batsh1tcrazy · 01/01/2017 05:54

Why did they sympathies with friend 1? Why not with your online friends organise a meet up?

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 05:59

| would genuinely love to meet with online friends but they all live in Wales or some posh place with shit loads of dogs and cottages.

IDK why RL friends all sided with F1. We were in a group chat which all ended when F1 said she couldn't make it.

As I said I am the only common factor. I just don't know what I do to push people away.

I would honestly kill for my friends if they needed me to.

OP posts:

Batsh1tcrazy · 01/01/2017 06:02

I genuinely don't think its you. It sounds like they weren't being true. Where do u stay? What age are your kids...could u join a parent n toddler group?

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 06:06

My kids are teens now.

I am NE/Redcar area.

Online/MN buddies (outing myself here) are South Wales and Cotswolds maybe?

I wish I had time for clubs/hobbies. I work spilt shifts. 11 while 3 on a week day and 11 while 2 plus 6 while 12 on a weekend.

OP posts:

DaemonPantalaemon · 01/01/2017 06:27

I would honestly kill for my friends if they needed me to

Perhaps this is the problem? That you do not have good boundaries, and go overboard, thus coming across as intense or clingy? It is not at all normal to say you would "kill" for your friends if they needed you to.

Unless of course, you are all part of the Mafia or some other gang where killing is required?

ScarletForYa · 01/01/2017 06:35

You paid someone's rent for a year, you'd kill for your friends, you're posting on FB that you're lonely and then something that you'll regret when you're sober.

I think you're probably coming across as very intense and people are backing away because of that. Also you sound generous but that can be a problem when you're lonely as it attracts users. You'll be desperate for company and 'friendship', they'll think you're a soft touch.

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 06:35

I leave it upto them if they want to meet ot not. When friend one cut contact, I left it at that.

To kill for is perhaps a slight exagertion but I have known these people almost my entire adult life.

I wouldn't literally kill but, welll, if they have bodies and a shovel....

(lighthearted)

OP posts:

DaemonPantalaemon · 01/01/2017 06:42

I wouldn't literally kill but, welll, if they have bodies and a shovel....

:) :)

You come across as very nice, and self-deprecating OP.

But listen to ScarletforYa. She is right.

Excessive generosity does tend to attract users, it is hard to sift the genuine from the real if you give too much of yourself. You sound like a people pleaser, try working on pleasing yourself in 2017. The good, genuine people will come, without you having to "buy" them.

Good luck!

DaemonPantalaemon · 01/01/2017 06:43

... to sift the genuine from the fake, even.

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 06:50

I am a people pleaser. V much so but only because I genuinely like to make people feel happy/better.

Not because I wish to buy people. I wish I could be nastier, really I do, but I just don't have it in me

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 01/01/2017 06:51

It's hard OP to make and retain friends. Especially as you work a lot at weekends but if your kids are grown up and you finish work at 3pm then maybe there's things to do in your area in the week. Have you looked on Meetup? I've made some lovely friends through that.

frumpet · 01/01/2017 06:52

The problem with relationships of any kind is that we rarely, if ever, sit down with people with a list of our expectations of what that relationship needs to deliver to make it work for us . So we all wander round with these expectations that haven't really been discussed with anyone else , hoping that through a process of osmosis they will be achieved .

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 07:00

The problem with relationships of any kind is that we rarely, if ever, sit down with people with a list of our expectations of what that relationship needs to deliver to make it work for us

Right now I would be happy to be friends with anyone who wanted nothing more than a coffee and a shoulder back

God I'm such a loser!

OP posts:

pklme · 01/01/2017 07:01

Friendships are incredibly fluid. I've given up trying to understand them. I just accept what I can get, and keep as wide a group as I can. That increases my chances of having a friend available when I need one.
None of my friends owe me time or have to respond, but usually someone will be available. I would like a smaller number of closer friends, but that isn't happening for whatever reason.

If you have known them for a long time, maybe your/their circumstances have changed and the friendships no longer fit? Partners, children, jobs all change friendships.

As you work two jobs, are there people there you can become friendly with?

frumpet · 01/01/2017 07:06

Allof , you sound lovely and are very probably a very nice person indeed . Someone very close to me said something that really struck a chord with me this year . Like you , I am very much a people pleaser , I will go above and beyond to help people out if I can , often to my own detriment . This person reminded me that although that is me and my personality , the mistake I often make is believing that the rest of the world thinks like me and will act in the same way , they don't and won't . That doesn't make them bad people though , just different to me .
Happy new year

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 07:07

One job I work from home. The other is mainly with men. Men do not wannt the same kind of frriendship that I do :'(

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Windthebloodybobbinup · 01/01/2017 08:02

Hi there- I've been in your shoes and I think there are lots of people out there who aren't happy in their friendships. The only conclusion I have come to is that you need to be able to confidently share of yourself in order ti make real friendships. Being a people pleaser actually has the opposite effect you intend. You want a friend/s who like you for who you are and don't use you. Unless you express your true feelings, are brave enough to say things that someone might not like, you won't be able to establish genuine friendships. You will have friendships which are based on need instead.

citybumpkin · 01/01/2017 09:03

I'm with you on this one OP. I've had a difficult few weeks with family illness and my beloved ddog passing. I've needed shoulder(s) to cry on but after a few conversations/texts with friends they've all disappeared. Not one "happy new year" message from any of them. Its hardly happy for me so perhaps thats why they're staying away?

I always seem to be the driving friendships/making the effort so from this point onwards I'm going to stop that. All I end up doing is mulling my lack of friends over and become increasingly depressed. I'm just going to have the face the fact that I'm alone.

RedMapleLeaf · 01/01/2017 09:03

Friendship isn't a choice between being a people pleaser or being nasty, but something inbetween.

Also, being a "people pleaser" isn't an altruistic or 100% positive thing.

Original poster

AllOfTheCoffee · 01/01/2017 15:54

I am so hungover right now. I think I have actually died.

Starting again from the begining...

I suffer depression. I don't take ADs because I don't think they'll help. I literally have nothing at all to look forward to. My job is shitty and I can't find another one despite applying to everything for years.

I spent over ten years trapped in an EA relationship. He slowly isolated me from all my friends (don't they all?) While I was trapped my friends were all moving on in their lives, which is great for them. I got out about 5 years ago and since then I've had no-one. I go to work, I come home and sit alone. There's no-one to chat to on the end of the phone, no one to meet for coffee. No nights out or in. It's just so fucking lonely. I hate it. I have no way of changing it.

When I did try to reach out to one of my old friendship groups (my oldest friends) they were all up for it until one of them revealed that after splitting with her BF she wasn't up for socialising. It was all put on hiatus until she felt better. My grandad who raised me and was pretty much a dad to me had just died at the time, so hearing that they couldn't meet up because of a 6 month long relationship ending hurt badly.

Three years later I am still waiting for it all to be rearranged, as they promised. I don't feel I can make the first move again because I don't want to pressure them into a friendship they don't want. I can't continue to be friendless, it's exhausting. I have no way of making new friends. I just don't know where to go from here other than spend another year at home, alone.

I've contacted other friends who never even bothered replying. I do wonder if maybe I am the problem and that's why I have no one. I can't think of anything I have done to upset these people, but clearly something has gone wrong somewhere.

OP posts:

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