I think I am not a nice person?

[AllOfTheCoffee]

IDk what I have done to upset them but literally every friend I have ever had is gone.

I lonely, depressed and just so damn sick of it. I try to be nice and helpful to everyone I meet and I still end up alone.

I am the only common factor in this equation. Wish I know what I did to piss people off

Yesterday you said she'd been with the boyfriend a month; six months does put a different spin on it.

That said, being lonely can be horrible and make it very hard to think positively. Can't believe I'm going to trot out the "hobby" line. But is there an activity you would enjoy?

I actually don't know how long she had been with him. They were a FB couple for a month, but she said when she announced it they'd been seeing each other a while but she didn't want to jinx it by going public too early.

It may have been less than 6 months, it might have been longer. Even if it had been years it still felt like a kick in the teeth. Especially when everyone else cancelled just because she couldn't make it.

I do have things I enjoy but they tend to be solitary (swimming, walking etc) and I would have no idea even how to go about finding a sociable hobby. There's not much in the way of groups or classes etc around here.

There's a job I'm applying to as soon as my hangover abates enough for my grammar to start working again that I'd enjoy but I can't see me even getting an interview tbh.

I've found a group to join. Some kind of weightloss thing at the local leisure center.

I'm going to go to that.

Now, how does one make friends at something like that? Do you just rock up and say hello or will people think I've lost my marbles if I just start chatting to them?

It's been about fifteen years since I did social things.

I think the problem is that when you are caring you kinda expect other people to be the same and remember your generosity - they rarely do.
I now do good turns because I want to with no expectation of anything in return.
I remember lending a lot of money to a principled socialist ,for 3 years interest free - never received a penny in payment.It still hurts that he respected me so little

I think the problem is that when you are caring you kinda expect other people to be the same and remember your generosity - they rarely do.

All I expect in return is to meet for coffee and cake once in a blue moon. I'll even buy my own cake.

That is all I have ever expected of my friends.

This was three years ago?? Come on OP

Right, the weightloss club is a great idea. It's also just the start. I think you need to try a different group each month in addition to that. So what else could you try in January?

Secondly, you need to pitch your expectations accurately. I wouldn't go expecting to meet a new group of friends. I would go expecting to find a group of people to spend the early evening with (or whatever). An opportunity to practice making an effort for, practice social skills and small talk and practice being confident in a room of people with.

I'm not sure there is anything else. Everything in our town seems to be aimed at the over fifties.

I'll have a look at the local college and see if there are any night classes or anything on.

You say you like walking? How about a rambling club?

Book club, walking group, dancing, cycling club, Meet Up, am dram, political groups, charity stuff, associate membership of student union, local heritage etc etc.

And the trick is to do something before you really fancy it. Just once.

The weight loss group is a great idea because you all have something in common to chat about. Actual friendship takes a. Long time to develop so take it slowly and build aquaintances gradually. Show an interest and most people will respond.

The group outing three years ago does sound a shame but three years is harbouring a grudge. Move on. If you want to see all or any or them give them a call or a text but they may have moved on by now.

You've made a good start. Agree with the rambling, walking and chatting is much less intense than sitting talking to people you don't know very well. Great exercise and endorphin stimulator, too.

Good luck.

I live in the arse end of nowhere. We don't have clubs and things or if we do I'm looking in the wrong place.

The college is all serious qualifications. I thought they might have hobby type courses on but they don't seem to.

good to keep changing friends really life changes friends change....this is life!

www.redcar-cleveland.gov.uk/rcbcweb.nsf/search?ReadForm=&query=group&s=1&e=50

Not sure how local this is but may help?

Op you sound very negative and full of excuses for why you can't make friends - 'they have loads of dogs' 'I live in the arse end of nowhere' 'all the clubs are for over fifties' 'I don't have enough time as I work two jobs' etc. You make it sound terribly depressing and I can feel my energy being sapped just by reading your posts.

If you're like this in real life I can understand people not being very forthcoming with you as it would be very hard work for them. My mum used to be just like this. Always complained about being lonely but had all the excuses why she couldn't make friends.

No one is going to come and save you from your loneliness. If you want a life you have to go out and get it and work hard for it. That doesn't just apply to you but to anyone who feels alone. And that means volunteering to help people, or looking at the local clubs on meetup.com or travelling a bit to make friends in the next town, city or find a team sport you can join. If there really aren't any clubs or social groups near you then why not start one? What do you have to lose?

Perhaps you should think bigger, the arse end of nowhere is not sounding like somewhere to spend the rest of your life. Where would you like to live ?
If you have no ties, move, house, town , country, when else will it be so easy?

When I've moved area I made lots of friends going to fitness classes. The gym not do much as people are doing their own thing. But Zumba, LBT, Boxfit, all that kind of stuff is sociable. Pilates, Yoga, walking groups, photography etc. There is also a Meet Up group with s wide range of opportunities.
Good luck OP, sounds like your confidence is at rock bottom, but New Year, new you!

also sometimes all these negative thoughts get you down....if you change the way you think like be positive and happier.....that can make a difference.

maybe you are looking at others and think they/he/she has lots of friends.....trust me its not true everyone has their own problems.

the way i made friends is to listen to others and compliment them and sometimes some people just don't want to be your friend then there is no point to waste your time with them.....

I'm feeling a bit more positive now. My family hadn't realised how down I'd been feeling. They started all this by spending the entire christmas week telling me I need to get my confidence and start going out more (with who?)

Now they know how I feel they've rallied round and we've come up with a plan.

I am going to join the weightloss group. I'm being pushed into joining slimming world too, apparently slimming world groups are all ultra friendly and arrange nights out together. I can't quite afford that but in a few weeks, when I've paid dd's school trip off I can look at joining.

I've planned a trip to where my sis lives. It's planned to go to comicom (oh the joy!) but it's something to look forward to. And a trip to my aunts for a night out with my sisters.

My sister who lives close by is going to meet up once a week either when the kids are in school or with the kids and we'll go to the trampoline place or swimming with kids.

My aunt is determined to take me to the cinema next time she is home, or to a restaraunt of my choosing.

So my plan is all the above but also keep applying to new jobs and start treating my work at home job as actual work as opposed to spending most of my working time pissing about on MN, in an effort to make it more profitable today doesn't count

I think saving to move would be a plan. I'd def live where my sister does. Or one of the cities close by here (Newcastle or Durham would be somewhere to consider)

glad you are feeling positive and have a plan!

Great to read your update OP

Op that is a really positive update, good for you. Keep on getting out and about and you will feel so much better very soon. You are very lucky to have such a caring family who clearly love you. You can't put a price on that.

oh and if you need help with job and interviews plenty of people on here to ask....open up a thread
it seems scary at first but then you get used to getting interviews...