Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling sorry for my ex completely alone at New Years alone and worried about cancer.

41 replies

RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 17:11

I separated from him not even a month ago (because of his substance abuse and some abuse of me) and already all the adrenaline and anger I felt is evaporating. Although I'm confident I won't get back together with him unless he can change (and that will take months) I'm still so wrapped up in his feelings that I'm in tears thinking that he's going to be alone tonight. We are still in contact, more than I'd like tbh, because we have a dd. He's told me he's all alone and sober tonight and will be thinking of me. To make matters worse he has discovered a lump on one of his balls and is scared its cancer. I don't know what to do without either behaving like a cold bitch and ignoring all this or feeling like I'm taking massive backwards steps and meeting him for a New Year's Day walk with our dd which is what he wants. I've made it clear that I'm not getting back with him and don't want to get his hopes up but I just feel shit now Sad.

OP posts:
AhYerWill · 31/12/2016 17:24

You need to stand firm now, both for you and your dd's sake. My abusive ex would frequently phone in tears after I left. He was always suffering from some malaise, or feeling suicidal or going to leave the country. It was all 'woe is me' nonsense designed to guilt me into going back. Honestly all part of the abusers handbook, when abuse and threats stop working they roll out the pity party.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 17:28

Logically I know that because I'm doing the freedom programme and they mention it but it's hard to just dismiss something so serious as bullshit.

Also he could have made plans to see people tonight but he hasn't.

OP posts:
magoria · 31/12/2016 17:33

Are you sure about the lump? How do you know it is not just another form of reeling you back in. He wouldn't be the first to try this.

Even if it is a lump and the worst outcome, you are no longer with him. You can't fix it and cancer or not he is still an abusive man you need to have minimal contact with.

I would change your plans to meet him.

Easier said than done I know.

Shayelle · 31/12/2016 17:35

Its his choice to be alone then. Its not like he hasnt git friends/family he can see. Dont be guilt tripped into having to see him.

ChuckSnowballs · 31/12/2016 17:37

It was predictable giving you the pity poor me act. And the 'i will die soon' is like abuser bingo.

I am not being funny but you really need to stop engaging on this level. It is all to draw you back in. So what if he is alone, he isn't going to shrivel up and die of being on his own for one random night of the year.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 17:48

I'm not meeting up with him. That's why I'm feeling like a bitch. I'm struggling to go against what he wants. I can't believe I'm crying for him.

He said he's going to use tonight to reflect on his life etc... deep huh?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 31/12/2016 17:48

Then cut contact with him, arrange contact via a 3rd party

He's on his own tonight because of his choices, that's the way it goes, he could have made different choices and had a different nye - meh

Focus on you and your daughter

Costacoffeeplease · 31/12/2016 17:50

Good - he needs to reflect a bit on how he's got to where he is

ChuckSnowballs · 31/12/2016 17:52

You are crying for a man because he has to spend one evening alone? Come on. Dry your tears and wake up and smell the coffee. Whatever he has done is working on you for you to even get upset for him.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 17:53

True, and I guess a sober new year is scaring him out of going out and socialising TBH.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 31/12/2016 17:56

Red stand firm. Being ill does not stop him being an abusive arsehole.

I'd take anything he says with a pinch of salt.

SparklyMagpie · 31/12/2016 18:22

Do you really think he'll stay sober for the night? Not being funny but he could be out for all you know, but he wants you to sit there thinking of him and feeling sorry for him

I could be very VERY wrong but I hope I'm not, I think he's just trying to make you give in

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 31/12/2016 18:27

Oldest trick in the book. Even Eastenders have used it.

Den: I'm leaving you.
Angie: You can't! I've got cancer!

Mid 80s I think. Not much changes in the drunk handbook.

Stay firm. You are NOT responsible for his choices.

AnyFucker · 31/12/2016 18:31

A cancer scare seems to be rife among the recently dumped abuser

You would be a fool to fall for it

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 18:32

I'm pretty sure he's sober booze wise. From what I've heard he's managing it so far but He hasn't been managing to cut out cannabis completely. (Yes I know I'm over involved). I'm taking it with a pinch of salt and putting it through a bullshit filter but as you know unborn, you can read everything you can on abuse but it always feels different and not as obvious when it's you.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 18:33

I know and on the surface of it I feel like an idiot but it's that 'what if' thought that gets under my skin.

OP posts:
4bouncingofthewalls · 31/12/2016 18:36

For all you know he could be talking crap and making it up you wouldn't believe what desperate people do. Offer to go with him to the GP in the New Year and leave him to himself. Enjoy your night go without friends and enjoy the single life!

Giselaw · 31/12/2016 18:36

Encourage him with a "good for you for taking time to reflect on past mistakes and making positive plans to improve your relationship with your child in the new year. I'm sure she's looking forward to having her dad back in 2017."

Dick

AnyFucker · 31/12/2016 18:37

And that is what he is trying his best to exploit

I bet my house he does not have cancer

I also reckon his next trick will be to threaten to harm himself. Block his number for 24 hours or you will get suckered in later this evening. Mark my words.

ChuckSnowballs · 31/12/2016 18:37

True, and I guess a sober new year is scaring him out of going out and socialising TBH

Aw poor baby. Scared of socialising in case a J2O comes and attacks him with a flicknife.

UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 31/12/2016 18:44

Come on Red you've loads more sense then I had.

Look how far you have come. Your split up and he's still trying to upset you.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 18:51

chuck Grin. There's nothing wrong with a sober new year but I'm looking forward to a drink myself. All my resent ones have been sober due to looking after dd and man child
He's neglected his health so badly I really wouldn't be surprised if now he's sober he's worrying about his health.

On the outside I'm going to pretend it hasn't got to me but it has. I'm pretending to be stronger than I am. He's never threatened self harm which actually surprised me after talking to WA and doing the FP.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 18:54

bouncing that what he wants. For me to go to the gp with him. Which also makes me question if he's lying.

OP posts:
UnbornMortificadoAtChristmas · 31/12/2016 18:55

Can you not put a temporary block on so he can't fuck up your night?

You deserve a drink and nice night without worrying about that prick.

Original poster
RedStripeIassie · 31/12/2016 19:07

Yes, I can! I'll try not to let him spoil my evening. Especially as I can actually celebrate an exciting new year about to start Smile.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread