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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sedentary husband started going out for walks?

63 replies

Ramonaramona73 · 30/12/2016 18:28

Just this... things are not great between us, he's off work. He NEVER goes anywhere ever but is off for a walk and when pressed, probably stopping at a pub. He's gone for walks in last couple of days after arguments. It couldn't be another woman as he has no free time but it feels wrong though somehow, also unfair as I don't get to do this with our small dd to look after. Am I paranoid?

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/12/2016 19:36

What are you both doing to make your relationship better? It sounds like he's avoiding spending time with you.

Watching tv together isn't a great way to reconnect (if that's what you want to do).

Can you go out on your own during the day for some "me time" if you feel you need it?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 30/12/2016 19:38

Why is it hard to ask for 'you' time?

Having a young baby is exhausting and I sympathise, but I don't really see what your DP is doing wrong here if things are fraught at home.

Do you have any family nearby?

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 30/12/2016 19:38

I have no real problem with him going to the pub occasionally or spending time alone- it's give and take and I need s bit of time to myself. He can be v difficult when u ask for time to sleep- go to a exercise class ( given up on that one), I have to choose my Words, time and he tends to give the minimum time I need.

OP posts:
mishmash1979 · 30/12/2016 19:41

My friends OW was the barmaid at the local pub.........

QuandryQueen · 30/12/2016 19:43

Maybe you need to walk out the door for a walk in an evening before he gets the opportunity.

Iac113 · 30/12/2016 19:46

Christ is like put 2 and 2 together and get 22 on here! he might just be going for a walk because he is sick of the OP and sick of the arguments. Not everyone is shagging someone else but the MN Miss Marples know best !

Livelovebehappy · 30/12/2016 19:58

Surprised that people are suggesting OW. Think it's more likely that he is finding life a struggle at home at the moment, and just finds it helps to go out for a walk to clear his head. I'm guessing from your post he doesn't 'ask' if it's okay to go out for a walk, which is fair enough, but in that case you shouldn't need to ask for 'you' time. When he's home at any time, I would just pop your coat on, say breezily that you are just going out for an hour or two and go for a walk yourself, or visit a friend for a coffee/catch up.

Scrubbles · 30/12/2016 20:01

It's sort of blackly hilarious how quick the LTB brigade are to jump in and project.

DH ordered a takeaway they other day? Must be an OW!

Got a new job? A likely story. He's probably won the lottery and is shagging some hussy 9-5 instead.

Told you he loves you? VERY SUSPICIOUS.

Wink
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 30/12/2016 20:01

Are the arguments arising from you asking for personal time?

mypropertea · 30/12/2016 20:06

Are you from last of the summer wine Grin?

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 30/12/2016 20:18

I don't think it's an ow. Live love I think you're right, I will
Just tell him I'm off out. I think I do feel overly critical of him because he is very hard to ask things of- I am accused of ordering him to do things but with a lively infant Sonerimes I do need him to help me with something immediately. It's v hard. He can also be verbally abusive so that makes me feel less kind towards him. It's complicated but your responses have helped me feel less worried/ cross about it.

OP posts:
ThirdThoughts · 30/12/2016 20:36

If you aren't happy with your relationship, he doesn't need to be having an affair or caught having one for you to address the relationship's problems or to end it. Its worth remembering that before getting caught up in trying to catch him out.

Going out for walks wouldn't make me suspicious of my DH, especially as we are both trying to improve our health. Presumably there is more to this in terms of his behaviour and attitude that has made you lose trust, that your intuition is to look for evidence of an affair. But you could also just be feeling insecure because of the general state of the relationship too.

Don't feel you can't act to improve your relationship or end it without evidence of an affair.

GunnyHighway · 30/12/2016 21:01

Well there you have it, bloke goes out for a walk therefore he must have another woman on the go.

Well done mumsnet.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 21:10

Well done what ?

Is op now convinced her verbally abusive husband has ow ?

Or has she considered it a possibility and then discarded it ?

If op's relationship breaks down it won't be because of anything that MN POSTERS said

Catch yourself fucking on with your "well done Mumsnet" bollocks

Scrubbles · 30/12/2016 21:18

Pipe down everyone, the boss is here.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 21:25

Nice

Pagwatch · 30/12/2016 21:33

If my DH suddenly changed his routine I would wonder why.
There doesn't seem to be anything close to communication going on here. It all sounds incredibly grim and solitary.

That's not very helpful but is he not interested, are you not interested, in trying to communicate and see if there is any mutual ground?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 30/12/2016 21:34

If he's verbally abusive OP you have a bigger problem than him going for a walk.

KnittedBlanketHoles · 30/12/2016 21:52

feel Like I should watch tv with him

You really don't have to. If this doesn't feel like quality time to you then it isn't, I'd there something you could do while he's watching TV? He would hear your daughter if she roused so maybe you could use his TV time to go for your own walks, or something else?

Would things feel better, more fair, if you had an hour or two to yourself too?

KnittedBlanketHoles · 30/12/2016 21:54

He can also be verbally abusive so that makes me feel less kind towards him.

He's not being kind when he's verbally abusive. Can you take yourself off out of the situation anytime he's less than kind and respectful to you?

PenguinsandPebbles · 30/12/2016 22:01

He's gone for walks in last couple of days after argument

Maybe he just needs some space

You say he has no free time, when I worked 60 hours a week if my week off involved arguing then I think I'd want time out after an argument too despite the other person being "argued out"

Not saying your in the wrong, just not going to jump on the LTB he must be shagging someone else.

Him being verbal abusive is not acceptable, of course and you shouldn't feel so trapped that your resentful of the fact you can't do the things you want and more than likely need.

Sounds like a lot of resentment has built up to me and a conversation and trying to communicate with each other is what you need.

Lessthanaballpark · 30/12/2016 22:10

People are missing the point here.

The real issue is that OP resents him going off for nice walks when she can't do the same. She obviously feels that she doesn't have the option of just carrying herself off to the pub and leaving him in charge of DD.

And is understandably resentful.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 30/12/2016 23:07

He has just laid into me v aggressively - verbally, mimicking my 'whining' voice and my gestures squaring up to me and his face was so hateful and contemptuous. It's all my fault and apparently j always say the wrong thing. I am so so sad but he is going to destroy me if I dont leave soon. Oh and this happened because I asked him to talk to me for 5 mins, the 5 after getting D.C. To bed and before going to bed myself, to just leave his computer chair for 5 mins to connect with me in some way. I'm in bed with D.C. Feeling internally flayed.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 30/12/2016 23:11

Op. You know yourself. The walks etc are a red herring -THIS is unacceptable.

Do you have family/friends nearby?

I NEVER use LTB. But I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship and think you'd be better elsewhere. LTB!!!

AnyFucker · 30/12/2016 23:25

Op, the Walking Man is a cunt

Take steps to get shut of him in the New Year

You deserve better than this

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