DH attitude to sex getting me down

[sexelephantintheroom]

Hi all - I'm a regular member but have NC due to the nature of my question.

Since the birth of our 2nd DC sex in our marriage has taken a turn for the worst but was slipping before then.

Shortly before I got pregnant with my 2nd DC my DH had been looking at porn and being dishonest. Although we quickly sorted it out it left a lasting horrible feeling towards sex with him.

Then since 2nd DC was born I've suffered from PND and my sex drive has all but vanished. However, my DH's behaviour to sex is really getting me down.

I feel I'm constantly being pestered for sex. I'm woken up 2/3 sometimes more times a night being groped, him trying to pull my trousers down and pushing himself against me. It's got to the point where I make sure I face in to the bed to stop him from doing this. I have very young DC and a tiring job and am exhausted by there constant waking. When I approach him about this he is very huffy, says he won't do it again but always does.

He complains that I'm not intimate with him (kissing and cuddling etc) and it's true - I'm not because if it doesn't lead to sex he's moody and makes me feel guilty.

This morning this all came to ahead after a particularly bad night of being woken three times by him coupled with not feeling very well and I told him how annoyed I was. The upshot of the discussion was him telling me not to be surprised if he cheats because I'm not giving him any. Obviously was really upset by this and he later apologised but I feel so hurt.

We don't have sex that often (few times a month) and I feel his pressurising behaviour towards sex just turns me off even more.

Really don't know where to go from here. Would welcome any advice.

Sounds familiar. He did cheat on me and we split. She's welcome to him. I don't miss hugs turning into shoving his hands down my pants, commentary on my tooth brushing looking like a blow job, wearing nice clothes being sign of my infidelity. It was relentless and totally put me off sex. I tried explaining that subtle things like letting me have a lie in or taking the baby out for the afternoon, or just having an adult conversation would make me more likely to want sex but that fell on deaf ears.

I cannot begin to describe how fast I would be out of a relationship with someone who was waking me up to pester for sex three times in a night when I was feeling ill.

If he were continually waking you up to pester you to make him a cup of tea (thanks, Thames Valley Police), you would think that was ridiculously selfish, sex isn't any different - well, it is FAR worse.

I got to this point with my exH after 16 years marriage. Sex became a chore for me, and when I did it the greatest gratification was that I'd earned a couple of nights off. The more I retreated the harder he tried. He constantly sought his own relief with no thought to whether I was happy or tired or interested. The truth was, I just wasn't interested in him any longer. I love having the bed to myself these days, the pressure has gone in that way. And with another man, being woken in the night is welcomed. I don't think this is assault at all - just a symptom of everything else not being right. I truly hope you sort this out, one way or another.

Yes curtain I remember thinking the same re earning nights off. Shit way to live. I had ten years of it.

Yes definitely agree with the 'earning' a few nights off. It's so sad to think about. I think I've only just woken up to what is actually going on.

Of course, I'm still the one in the wrong. He has no remorse whatsoever.

I was hoping we could haul our relationship back on track but I think I need to love and respect myself enough to decide I'm not going to be treated like this anymore.

Good luck op.

I'd retract the 'day'. Anyone who would have sex with someone who doesn't want it isn't worth being with. He sounds tedious and childish - his 'quickies' are 30+ minutes? I'd be bored. What do you do, lie back and think of England?

Your post really hits home with me. My DH wants sex every single day and if we go more than 3 days without he gets grumpy and sometimes verbally abusive.

He also gropes me at night and I hate it. He often says he doesn't know he is doing it but I'm not sure that makes any difference to me. The other morning he woke me up because 'he felt like it'.

When our youngest was 3 days old my friends took the other children out for lunch, the baby was sleeping and I said to my dh I was going to put my feet up. He went mad saying I should use the time as an opportunity to have sex and that if he didn't get it enough he'd go elsewhere. 3 years on I don't think I have forgiven him.

When I pull him up on this he improves for a few days but it always goes back to the status quo.

I don't move in bed for fear of arousing him and cuddles etc are a no no. He always says it's just a cuddle but it very rarely ends up without sex.

The thing I resent the most though is him having taken away my enjoyment of sex. If he had just been patient and thoughtful and helped me regain my libido after birth I'm sure sex wouldn't be the chore it is now.

I'm sorry you and others are going through this. I'm sorry I don't have any wise words to help, but I wAnted you to know you are not alone and his behaviour is not acceptable.

God, Mabel that's awful. You need to get away from that turd of a man, asap. Did he force you into sex when your baby was 3 days old?

Mabel, your husband is a rapist.

That is absolutely horrible Mabel.

God this is awful, so many women suffering. I agree it's abuse. Don't put up with it for a minute longer, you truly deserve to be free and happy.

OP, this is sexual assault, you do know that, don't you? He is unlikely to change because he does not give a fuck about how you feel. Waking you up 3 times a night? Tell him to fuck right off, he's a twat.