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Original poster

DH attitude to sex getting me down

63 replies

sexelephantintheroom · 30/12/2016 14:59

Hi all - I'm a regular member but have NC due to the nature of my question.

Since the birth of our 2nd DC sex in our marriage has taken a turn for the worst but was slipping before then.

Shortly before I got pregnant with my 2nd DC my DH had been looking at porn and being dishonest. Although we quickly sorted it out it left a lasting horrible feeling towards sex with him.

Then since 2nd DC was born I've suffered from PND and my sex drive has all but vanished. However, my DH's behaviour to sex is really getting me down.

I feel I'm constantly being pestered for sex. I'm woken up 2/3 sometimes more times a night being groped, him trying to pull my trousers down and pushing himself against me. It's got to the point where I make sure I face in to the bed to stop him from doing this. I have very young DC and a tiring job and am exhausted by there constant waking. When I approach him about this he is very huffy, says he won't do it again but always does.

He complains that I'm not intimate with him (kissing and cuddling etc) and it's true - I'm not because if it doesn't lead to sex he's moody and makes me feel guilty.

This morning this all came to ahead after a particularly bad night of being woken three times by him coupled with not feeling very well and I told him how annoyed I was. The upshot of the discussion was him telling me not to be surprised if he cheats because I'm not giving him any. Obviously was really upset by this and he later apologised but I feel so hurt.

We don't have sex that often (few times a month) and I feel his pressurising behaviour towards sex just turns me off even more.

Really don't know where to go from here. Would welcome any advice.

OP posts:
galaxygirl45 · 30/12/2016 16:00

I think you need to sit him down when you have a little time to do so, and explain clearly that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and if it happens again, you will have no choice other than to put a lock on the door and he won't be allowed into your bedroom. He does not have the right to pull your trousers down, or wake you up because he can't control his urges, and sex would be the last thing on my mind after that behaviour.

TheSparrowhawk · 30/12/2016 16:01

You don't have to agree to have sex with someone who assaults you. It is sad, but staying and wasting more of your life with this loser would be worse.

gillybeanz · 30/12/2016 16:01

Sit him down and talk to him, let him know that it's the constant pestering that is putting you off.
I can understand that he feels sexually frustrated as I usually have a high sex drive, but he needs to learn how to handle his frustration.
I tend to use porn if dh is away or has spells of being very busy.
It's not only men who do this, I know women who pester as well.
You both need to make compromises and get your sex life back on track, I agree with the pp who said this is what can break many relationships if not sorted.

celeste84 · 30/12/2016 16:02

It doesn't sound like he's going to accept the word 'no' in which case you may have a problem to face up to.

Mix56 · 30/12/2016 16:04

Well of course you are exhausted if woken repeatedly at night, the guy is a total Dick.
You need to tell him he is repeatedly interrupting your sleep, You cannot consider sex with someone who is so Selfish & self serving that on top of having had PND, a job & young Dcs, He is groping & sexually agressing you. then threatens finding sex outside the home... Wow a great recipe for love, respect, If the most important thing i his life, is getting his rocks off, & he cannot control himself, then he has to sleep elsewhere. ( or preferably leave )

CavershamTights · 30/12/2016 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sexelephantintheroom · 30/12/2016 16:11

We do cuddle whilst watching tv, in the kitchen etc and it's fine because he knows sex is out of the question. In the bedroom however I think he'd see it as an intro to sex and then be annoyed if it didn't progress to that.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 30/12/2016 16:11

Really bad idea to send him the link and stupid advice to have suggested it.

He knows he's a dick. He's less likely to listen to you now.

RiceCrispieTreats · 30/12/2016 16:13

You do not need to put up with this.

God I hate men who think that women are there to provide sex. You're a person, OP. He doesn't appear to have quite grasped that. That means he is not an adequate partner to you.

RichardBucket · 30/12/2016 16:15

We'd agreed to designate a day for sex.

So he's happy to have sex with you knowing you don't want it, but are doing it because it's "the day."

OP, could you imagine pressuring someone into sex and then having an orgasm knowing they weren't enjoying it? I can't, and I don't think any reasonable person could. His behaviour is not okay.

pictish · 30/12/2016 16:16

Sounds like he's confusing porn actresses perpetually gagging for cock, with actual women who are humans with opinions about what goes on with their own bodies and stuff. It's a simple mistake to make if you're a complete fuckwit.

Pollyanna9 · 30/12/2016 16:16

When I was in Relate counselling with my now dear XH, one of the manifestations of the issues in the rest of our relationship was that I just went off sex.

Counsellor said to him "No woman is frigid, use your hand"!!!!

Anyway - not entirely related but she really had little sympathy (which was quite reassuring).

How anyone can think that thrusting their cock against someone whilst they sleep is going to lead to a loving and mutually fulfilling sexual encounter is an idiot. Charming, the added threat of infidelity.

Baylisiana · 30/12/2016 16:25

Are you still suffering badly with PND? If you are unwell his lack of understanding and support is even worse. How you are going to feel attracted to a man who threatens to leave in that context I don't know. Not sure I could.

I am not sure what the porn use and dishonesty you mention was all about, so can't put any backstory in place.

For the moment, is he dealing with any night wakings or feeds?

Original poster
sexelephantintheroom · 30/12/2016 16:29

Not still suffering with PND but am feeling depressed and anxious lately (which he knows about) and am going to be starting some private counselling in the new year which hopefully will help.

No, both of our DC's sleep through luckily. Though I commented this morning I feel more tired now than when they were newborns!

OP posts:
pictish · 30/12/2016 16:30

The cheating threat is outrageous, the manipulative, self important arsehole. I'd tell him to feel free and start divorce proceedings.
No more Mr Poke-Poke throughout the night, as if you were some sort of orifice facility. Urgh just fuck off.

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/12/2016 16:41

You feel anxious and depressed OP? I wonder why? He doesn't view you as a person. You are simply a poke hole to him.

I agree with others, he has repeatedly assaulted you. I don't think this is fixable. Why? Because he sees nothing wrong with his actions! What happens next OP? Rape?

There is no compromise to be had. You'll only be compromising your own self-worth, dignity, self-respect and self-esteem.

DameDeDoubtance · 30/12/2016 16:43

You shouldn't have sent the link, I very much doubt that he will respect women's opinions. He assaults you and threatens to cheat, horrible. I assume if he was ill and couldn't get it up he wouldn't mind being woken in the night again and again?

WeAllHaveWings · 30/12/2016 16:49

Mr Elephant , if you love your wife and want it to work out, the most likely way to more sex is to stop waking your wife in the middle of the night, start helping her more with the children and home (even if you do your share already it sounds as if she is genuinely struggling and needs more support), keep kissing and cuddling but don't pressure or guilt her into sex. If you love her you will not want that!

Spoil her with little things (offer to run her a bath while you watch the kids, take the kids out and let her chill reading a book, give her some downtime). It may take time, but, only when she starts feeling better will she come back to you.

Branleuse · 30/12/2016 17:20

youre still having sex ffs. whats his fucking problem.

NotYoda · 30/12/2016 17:45

Mr Elephant

You are not the first person to not be having as much sex as you would like. You will not get it from your wife if you continue to pester her in this way. You have no right to do that, and you will be killing any desire she has for you, because she no longer trusts you. Just one incident of the kind she has described can do terrible harm to how a woman feels about a man.
A good man does not do this. A good man does not threaten their spouse.

NotYoda · 30/12/2016 17:50

OP I hope he's shocked to see you could report this to the police as a sexual assault.

ThirdThoughts · 30/12/2016 18:39

I'm struggling to see the thought process that could be going on in mr. SexPestElephant 's head.

"Elephant really didn't seem to be in the mood for sex when I woke her up by groping her twice earlier. But I'm sure this third time, she'll be flattered and turned on by my insatiable lust. Third time's the charm right? Unlike on all the other nights I've tried this."

Unlikely, right? Which leads me to think that he doesn't much care if you are in the mood for sex or not. He just wants to use you as a wank sock and thinks he can over-ride your consent by you either not waking, or being too exhausted to resist. Terrifying.

This combined with the threat to get the sex he believes he is entitled to elsewhere would suggest that he doesn't respect your body or the relationship. I can't see a future in this - or rather I can - having read another thread about a woman who is regularly raped by her partner because he won't take no for an answer and her boundaries have been so destroyed, and her psychological survival mechanisms so strong that she only allows herself to feel annoyance rather than horror at being regularly raped. But I'd rather that you didn't get to that point.

If he is claiming that he is doing this unconsciously in his sleep (not sure if he is) then you still need to sleep separately for your own safety.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2016 20:13

Having been pestered mid sleep before I understand how you feel.

If there is still any love between you, I'd suggest relationship counselling.

As a woman, I could suggest a whole bunch of things, but I think you could both do with neutral ground, where you both feel safe and not judged to articulate how you both feel.

Emotionally focused therapy would benefit you both. If you're interested PM me for details and if money is difficult, it you can receive free counselling. I'm not the counsellor by the way.

If a marriage can be saved, then I believe it should be.

Branleuse · 30/12/2016 20:34

i think id go ballistic if my partner kept waking me up at night.
its pretty basic respect stuff isnt it, to let someone sleep, and to not try and rape them in the night

Minivaperviper · 30/12/2016 20:40

Op please don't stand for it, get angry of he ever says the cheat line just tell him to save his time and just leave.

My abusive exp tried to do this to me when we were split but still living together, he came in to my bed and groped me while I was sleeping when I woke I practically kicked him out of bed and he never tried it again.

In his case I think he thought if I slept with him we'd get back together Hmm

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