Help with keeping my temper

[Nettletheelf]

Please don't lay into me on this thread. It's taken quite a bit of courage to admit that I have a problem, and to seek help with it.

My problem is that when I get stressed, usually at work, I lose my temper easily. I don't punch people or shout, but I get irritated and it manifests itself like this:

I send pointed emails to people which, although they don't say "I think you're useless", convey that sentiment. This happens when somebody who doesn't report to me repeatedly messes up, refuses to do something that's their responsibility or is wilfully incompetent.

I get irritated on the phone when somebody won't answer a question, or wilfully misunderstands and answers a different question, or is a jobsworth, or doesn't know something that they should know. It shows in my voice, which becomes a bit sneering, and I know that in those circumstances I can be patronising (e.g. saying, "did you understand what I've just told you?" or "repeat back to me what I've just said").

I get so irritated and annoyed, and it's as if I can't control myself. I think, "why not just admit that you made a mistake, and stop bloody prevaricating?" and "why can't you just do your fecking job, you lazy, incompetent twat?".

Whilst I know that many people experience those feelings, I don't seem to be able to suppress them. I feel like it's my job to show them the error of their ways, or something (I know that's ridiculous) and stop them from doing it again.

It happens when somebody's repeated balls ups cause significant extra work for me, or when somebody goes off and does something stupid and expects me to clear up the mess without so much as an acknowledgement or a 'please'. I feel utter fury surging through me and it finds an outlet.

Another trigger is when somebody sends me a 'chaser' email copying in other people (paraphrased: "I asked you to do this unimportant thing yesterday and now I'm asking you again, copying in some other people who I think will intimidate you, to make you jump to it because I'm an idiot who has no confidence in my own authority, little self-awareness and no idea how insignificant my stupid request is on your list of priorities")

To avoid drip feeding:

I'm in a senior role in one of the professions and my role is very demanding. I'm very good at my job. The technical aspects, at least. I'd like to be better at the 'managing difficult situations' bit.

I'm somebody who makes sure that I understand all the systems and processes, in order to do my job well, and I'm a bit of a people pleaser, so I end up helping everybody and feeling a bit put upon. I was brought up to think that nobody likes a whinger, so I never complain to my line manager or other people senior to me.

If I feel slighted by somebody I'd never dream of making a complaint, which feels like a pathetic thing to do. I either suck it up or address it with the person directly. I'm surprised by how violently people react when I point out that I'm disappointed by their behaviour and ask why they did it (e.g. "Why did you copy X into that e-mail?"). It's as if they can't face up to their own mean spirited behaviour and become determined to seek vengeance on me for drawing attention to it.

Where somebody comes to me and asks for help, or says, "I think I've made a mess of X, will you help me to fix it?", or when somebody is young or new to their job, then I'm always kind and understanding. I'm generally cheerful and upbeat, but certain things are triggers and I just get the red mist.

I know that I'll always have to deal with people who do silly, selfish things or are a bit incompetent, but I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I'm already acquiring a reputation for 'not exhibiting model behaviours', which I know damages future prospects, but I can't simply not be irritated; you can't switch off an emotion. I know that I'm not dealing with things well, but am I just supposed to sit there and allow people to be useless, incompetent, lazy and spiteful when I'm on the other end of it?

I would really value contributions from others who experience similar feelings but have found ways of controlling their temper and dealing with similar situations. Thanks, and sorry it is so long.

For what it's worth, my own team are very happy and we get on great.

I have come across teams which are happy internally to each other but to others are very adversarial/aggressive. Often they display very similar behaviours and take their lead from the team manager. There is a very strong 'them and us' team atmosphere.

Often these teams work in quite a technical area and are very dismissive of others. Anyone approaching the team may feel attacked or criticised for not knowing the particular technical.

In some organisations these teams get moved around a lot. Basically nobody wants to sit near them. In other organisations they have practically taken root in the carpet in some out of the way part of the building.

I'm already acquiring a reputation for 'not exhibiting model behaviours', which I know damages future prospects

Once you get past the point where technical competence is what is needed to progress in your career then yes, this will damage your career prospects. It can also mean that colleagues wont help you out if you are in a fix.

Even if you are not a bully, and some of your behaviours are exhibiting them, it is only a matter of time before someone, or indeed a collection of people, put a grievance in about you.

You need to be kinder, much less agressive and wind it in a bit. You have had the nod about your approach so best pay heed to it. Not alot to be gained from losing your job and Jobcentre plus staff won't be taking your abusive telephone manner, that's for sure.

Jobcentre plus staff won't be taking your abusive telephone manner, that's for sure.

Jobcentre plus staff don't "take" anyone's viewpoint, whether you're calling them a bunch of cunts or desperately pleading on your knees with them not to sanction you because you didn't attend an appointment due to being in hospital.

Anyway, OP - there's lots of opposing viewpoints in this thread and clearly some things are hitting nerves, according to people's past experience.

What you describe sounds like how to I used to react to things - I became irritated very easily and I took people's laziness and/or incompetence as a personal insult. I would end up becoming so wound up that I'd lose hours of productive time trying to craft the perfect sarcastic email that would put the slacker FIRMLY IN THEIR PLACE but without getting me sacked.

I actually began to turn things around after a totally non-work-related series of events and circumstances in my life. I began to look for solutions rather than problems. I made a conscious effort to always assume that people were doing something from a genuine misunderstanding or an inability to do as asked, rather than them being deliberately obstructive. As a result of this one simply view-shift, my emails and calls became structured very differently. Instead of sending an email saying "I asked you for this information on X date and your SLA is supposed to be 3 days. I can only assume that you have ignored my request" I started phrasing things like "Hi, can I ask where we are with X, which I sent through last week (copy email attached)? Normally you guys are great at turning things around quickly so just wondering if there is more info you need from me on this. I have a deadline on this so would really appreciate an urgent response. Thanks."

If there is a specific department which seems to be perennially causing problems/delays for your team, an approach I have used in the past is to ask the head of for a meeting between the two of us, with the stated aim of "working together in a more mutually beneficial way". If there's a particular process which is problematic, I'll go into the meeting ready to throw out the existing process and create a new one which meets the needs of both teams. (Obviously you'll need to consult with any other stakeholders who may be affected by changing a process, but never be afraid to do this. If something's not working, then change it!)

Lastly, I also don't like whinging to bosses or asking for help. However, approaching your boss and saying "These fuckers are a pain in my arse" is very different to saying "I'm having a problem with this dept. We seem to have constant delays and a lack of communication. How would you recommend I approach this?" Most managers LOVE to be asked for advice on this sort of thing. If you have a manager who doesn't, ask him/her who you could approach for advice instead.

Good luck OP. It's probably worth me mentioning here that I left the corporate world earlier this year and went self-employed as I was sick of dealing with this kind of bullshit...

Your email is utterly unconstructive to someone who has asked for help, northern, and is probably a PA.

Email = post

OP, I feel your pain! Everybody has to be so neutral now in case we cause the slightest offence. And emails are the pits.

I agree whoever suggested earlier some management training/coaching to help you. Dealing with difficult or incompetent people is something all managers have to do, and if its something you struggle with (its not everyone's strength), its something you could benefit from some coaching on. Even a professional coach might be worth looking into? Some general counselling might help you let off steam, find some new tactics and ways of dealing with things.

Thanks for the responses. I was working yesterday, hence the short replies. I didn't expect their length to be used as a diagnosis of my personality though! I wasn't "tutting", as somebody suggested. I was putting together a report.

However, not having much time to log on meant that I missed the deleted post. I assume it was a cracker!!

Thanks for the helpful and constructive stuff though. To add some context to my "clipped" posts from yesterday:

Yes, I asked for help in my OP and no, I didn't expect everyone to memorise the content. I appreciate people taking the time to read it.

However, I did find it rather unfair that by admitting to a weakness and asking for input from other people who had experienced the same thing (and thanks to those who gave it), I became a target for posters who assumed that I must be exactly like somebody they hadn't got on with at work in the past and hence should be given both barrels. I found that pretty upsetting, frankly, when I'd asked for help. Taking the time to read the OP doesn't convey the right to be nasty, does it?

If somebody has access to a small amount of information about you, and says, "oh yes, I have decided that you are like this" based on one element of that information (example, paraphrased: "you are exactly like my former manager who always criticised everybody and treated everybody with disdain"), and that's not what you are like, would you say, "yes, mea culpa, I am exactly as you described, I am that dreadful person you have decided I am"? I don't criticise everybody, and I don't treat everybody with disdain. I'm popular at work, actually, but occasionally I lose it in certain circumstances. Hence the request for help from people who feel similarly. It's not an excuse for a vent about work. I'm trying to do less of that!

I've bought and started 'The chimp paradox', thanks for that suggestion, and I'll check out some NLP.

Thanks also for the 'write the e-mail and don't send it' advice. I know that I should do that, and often I do, but sometimes my judgement fails me.

I'm not an angry person outside work. I never experience road rage, for example, and I'm kind to people. It's only a problem for me at work, and then only occasionally, in certain circumstances and with certain types of people. I'm very popular with the reception staff and the people who work in the canteen, for example, and most people I work with like me and find me helpful.

I'm not depressed, but I do have high standards and when I've given people several chances to meet them, kindly, I do get annoyed.

I think I also need to start involving my line management more. I have resisted doing so because my own line manager has been in a bit of a state (mega stressed, self critical, overworking: at times I have to take him out of the open plan office and tell him to take deep breaths/take his head out of his hands so that the team don't see him in a state of panic and start worrying) for at least a year, so I've been trying to protect him. I'm now wondering whether he should have done more to protect me, since I've just absorbed everything he piles on me uncomplainingly and I haven't felt able to ask him for help because I don't think he's in a state to give it.

Also, I was amused to read that the reason I and my team get on so well is that clearly we are all horrible!

Sounds a really hard position you're in.

I think the annoyance must stem from you feeling they are taking the piss out of you.

Op

I reported northern.

With respect to abruptness - understand that you were posting quickly but I think that shows your style is quite abrupt "naturally" - so I still think some work on stock phrases would be good.

And some of the issues may be that you yourself have too much to do if you are managing your manager - hence more annoying if others delay in sending you things.

I was the poster who commented on your writing style. I think that my comments still stand. You know that you were working so busy so your replies were clipped. I dont. I cant see you so all I have to go on is what you have posted. It's a bit like SHOUTING. The poster may have simply accidentally caught the caps lock button but to the reader it will look like shouting.

Is the style of your replies when you are busy a symptom? You seem to be very task focused. On this thread you saw some of the posts and wanted to get down replies very quickly. To do so you had to be very terse in your comments.

In the setting of MN it would be quite acceptable to say something like:

Thank you for all the comments. I am at work at the moment so I will reply when I have had time to read them through properly

You can do similar in a work context. It buys you time to react in a more measured way. Thank you for sending that report through, I will take a look and reply tomorrow when I have had time to read it through properly. We can then set up a meeting to discuss any revisions you may need to make. or whatever.

Are you sometimes sending a bit of a mixed message when helping people? Too kind up front and then infuriated when you feel that kindness has been taken for granted? A bit firmer at the start might help people to help themselves a bit more.

Honestly, I am not trying to have a go at you. Reading the comments on this thread are helping me. I too suffer with inappropriate anger at work (the least said about the calculator incident the better). Over Christmas I have taken the time to reflect a bit on what has been causing this.

Good post, Gnome.

I can get a bit snappy (verbal not written) when we are severely short staffed at work, I do apologise when things quieten down and I acknowledge that we are all busy and so things not getting done isn't "personal" - which is why I wonder if overwork might also be OP's issue.

In regards to communicating things to be completed. Can you email the list instead so that people can use it as a tick list. Return incompleted work with a list of incomplete areas to the worker. Talk to your manager if it's consistently a problem.

Thanks for the replies, and thanks for reporting the objectionable post. That was nice of you. I have read everything, and I'm not editing or reading selectively. I asked for help, I appreciate your input and I'll be thinking about everything you have said.

I have resisted doing so because my own line manager has been in a bit of a state (mega stressed, self critical, overworking: at times I have to take him out of the open plan office and tell him to take deep breaths/take his head out of his hands so that the team don't see him in a state of panic and start worrying) for at least a year, so I've been trying to protect him. I'm now wondering whether he should have done more to protect me, since I've just absorbed everything he piles on me uncomplainingly and I haven't felt able to ask him for help because I don't think he's in a state to give it.

That is actually a really shitty situation and he is being really unprofessional IMO. If he's not coping with the workload or the work environment, or has some personal crises going on, then he should be taking time out or approaching HIS line manager for help, not dumping shit on you. No wonder you are feeling stressed and it's coming out.

Do you have anyone at work who is at the same level as you (ie not your direct report or your line manager) who you can have a vent with?

I wish you a calmer working environment in 2017!