Help with keeping my temper

[Nettletheelf]

Please don't lay into me on this thread. It's taken quite a bit of courage to admit that I have a problem, and to seek help with it.

My problem is that when I get stressed, usually at work, I lose my temper easily. I don't punch people or shout, but I get irritated and it manifests itself like this:

I send pointed emails to people which, although they don't say "I think you're useless", convey that sentiment. This happens when somebody who doesn't report to me repeatedly messes up, refuses to do something that's their responsibility or is wilfully incompetent.

I get irritated on the phone when somebody won't answer a question, or wilfully misunderstands and answers a different question, or is a jobsworth, or doesn't know something that they should know. It shows in my voice, which becomes a bit sneering, and I know that in those circumstances I can be patronising (e.g. saying, "did you understand what I've just told you?" or "repeat back to me what I've just said").

I get so irritated and annoyed, and it's as if I can't control myself. I think, "why not just admit that you made a mistake, and stop bloody prevaricating?" and "why can't you just do your fecking job, you lazy, incompetent twat?".

Whilst I know that many people experience those feelings, I don't seem to be able to suppress them. I feel like it's my job to show them the error of their ways, or something (I know that's ridiculous) and stop them from doing it again.

It happens when somebody's repeated balls ups cause significant extra work for me, or when somebody goes off and does something stupid and expects me to clear up the mess without so much as an acknowledgement or a 'please'. I feel utter fury surging through me and it finds an outlet.

Another trigger is when somebody sends me a 'chaser' email copying in other people (paraphrased: "I asked you to do this unimportant thing yesterday and now I'm asking you again, copying in some other people who I think will intimidate you, to make you jump to it because I'm an idiot who has no confidence in my own authority, little self-awareness and no idea how insignificant my stupid request is on your list of priorities")

To avoid drip feeding:

I'm in a senior role in one of the professions and my role is very demanding. I'm very good at my job. The technical aspects, at least. I'd like to be better at the 'managing difficult situations' bit.

I'm somebody who makes sure that I understand all the systems and processes, in order to do my job well, and I'm a bit of a people pleaser, so I end up helping everybody and feeling a bit put upon. I was brought up to think that nobody likes a whinger, so I never complain to my line manager or other people senior to me.

If I feel slighted by somebody I'd never dream of making a complaint, which feels like a pathetic thing to do. I either suck it up or address it with the person directly. I'm surprised by how violently people react when I point out that I'm disappointed by their behaviour and ask why they did it (e.g. "Why did you copy X into that e-mail?"). It's as if they can't face up to their own mean spirited behaviour and become determined to seek vengeance on me for drawing attention to it.

Where somebody comes to me and asks for help, or says, "I think I've made a mess of X, will you help me to fix it?", or when somebody is young or new to their job, then I'm always kind and understanding. I'm generally cheerful and upbeat, but certain things are triggers and I just get the red mist.

I know that I'll always have to deal with people who do silly, selfish things or are a bit incompetent, but I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I'm already acquiring a reputation for 'not exhibiting model behaviours', which I know damages future prospects, but I can't simply not be irritated; you can't switch off an emotion. I know that I'm not dealing with things well, but am I just supposed to sit there and allow people to be useless, incompetent, lazy and spiteful when I'm on the other end of it?

I would really value contributions from others who experience similar feelings but have found ways of controlling their temper and dealing with similar situations. Thanks, and sorry it is so long.

Ok. You say they "won't" do it. Do you feel they are deliberately refusing then?

What is the culture of your organisation? Some organisations are very 'blamey', for everything that goes wrong a scapegoat has to be found. If you or your organisation are like that then of course people won't admit to making mistakes.

Look for an outlet for your frustration which is outside work. Some people find going to the gym helpful.

Alternatively why not try taking up something you aren't very good at. If you don't currently play, how about going to a driving range and try hitting a basket full of balls. The angrier you are the less good you will be. You might find it insightful.

And no, I am not a teacher. If I were, I wouldn't be posting now. I'd either have spontaneously combusted or I'd be in a padded cell somewhere!

You sound like we'd get on. I'm much the same and trying to control it but don't know how. I have no patience for my family. DH told me today he wants me to "see someone". I think I just need to get away from their toxicity. Good luck OP

Re the 'won't': I'll explain what somebody needs to do in order to make X happen, and because it's a bit hard, or involves effort, the individual sends me half a set of information or a half arsed attempt that doesn't include stuff it needs to include.

Because of the type of role I'm in, a lot of things need to be approved by me before going up to somebody else for review (not processes invented by me, incidentally: corporate processes). So they are clearly hoping that I'll finish it for them, or do it for them, when it should be their responsibility. Or they might have made a commitment to a third party that they will have X approved, or in place, by a certain date, then when they realise that they have to do things they haven't planned on, they just send me a load of crap and hope for the best, despite my having explained exactly what is needed!

You sound like someone I worked with, until I asked to be moved away from her projects. She decided what was 'wrong' with my output and could barely hide her disdain of me.

She has now burned through around six staff in the three years since I first began working with her. Enthusiastic, capable staff - some of whom would have been a brilliant asset had they had constructive training on their weak points. Instead new people are having to be trained into the role, losing the acquired knowledge that comes from experience.

Despite her own considerable failings, if I made a mistake she would lose patience out of all proportion with the issue - until eventually it began to affect my work as I had zero confidence that she wouldn't ring me up and criticise me in full hearing of her team.

You need to not cover other people's work for them as it gives mixed messages about your role. You need to take time before you speak to people rather than calling when you're angry or irritated. You need to believe that people are doing their best and aren't a group of incompetents sent to test you. You need to explain how you feel to your own manager so you can open a dialogue. And you need to find more productive ways of coping with people - as PPs have said, NLP would help. It's hard to progress when you make silly errors, but it's even harder to lead people if you are shaming anyone who has made a mistake.

Thanks, but I'm not shaming everybody who makes a mistake. I said in my OP that I'm usually helpful, kind and understanding unless somebody (1) repeatedly fucks up despite having had the process repeatedly explained, (2) is wilfully incompetent and refuses to answer simple questions or (3) presses my buttons by sending 'chaser' emails to me copying in other people. So don't jump to the conclusion that I'm just like your former manager, please.

Also, we all know that not everybody is doing their best.

Pfft! That told you Everdene

Nettle - I think we've all got a pretty good idea what it feels like to work for you, just by the tone of your writing on the thread!

Wow, thanks for your kind words.

I asked for contributions from people who have experienced similar feelings and have found ways of controlling them. I didn't ask to be made the scapegoat for every critical boss you've ever had and are still cherishing resentment for.

For what it's worth, my own team are very happy and we get on great. The people occasionally winding me up are not my direct reports.

@chocolate!

Nettle you sound lovely to work with, I can't see why you think you're a problem. The person I mentioned wasn't my manager or even someone who worked in my company but she used to jump to conclusions just like you

I will preface this by saying I try not to comment on the way someone posts but I think it is relevant here.

Nettletheelf, would you say that the way you have communicated on this thread is fairly typical of the way you communicate at work?

You start with quite a long explanation. People reply, make suggestions, comments. Your further posts are very clipped, short sentences. I can almost hear you tutting!

Everdene made a comment about you sounding like a manager she knew. Your response to her was very abrupt, 9/10s of the way to being rude. You refer back to your OP in a way which seems to imply we should have all of its content readily in mind.

Remember, this is how I am reading your posts. People on this thread owe you nothing but are taking the time to respond thoughtfully.

If this is how you are communicating here then I can only imagine that you are (for want of a better word) worse at work.

If someone has passed on a half finished piece of work to you why do you think that is? Is it that they can't be bothered or is it because they don't know how to finish it?

Are your explanations as clear as you think they are?
Are your further comments supportive or do you tend towards the 'just read my original email' responses?
Do you have a trusted colleague you could ask to look over your shoulder at emails before you hit the 'send' button? I have found this very helpful when I have wanted to send a response and know that I may not be as balanced as I should be.

Ok. There are lazy people around who will half do a job and hope someone else will sort out the rest.

I think it will need to be in the planning. Once you've stated the clear outcome then book in a progress meeting with enough time to send them off to do a lot more if necesssary. You could ask them to create a tick list based on what you feel needs done. It sounds exhausting!!

My DH is in this sort of role. He's an even-tempered sort but he gets fed up with people using him as their vestigial brain (basically him doing all the thinking). But the organisation he works in has also, hitherto, been quite authoritarian and made some of them scared to take responsibilty and make mistakes

The chaser emails are also a familiar story. Pathetic really. He ignores them

Bottom line is that you cannot change anyone else. Ignore your direct reports or take it up with their managers. I still think CBT would help, maybe assertiveness. Also I notice you've not responded to comments about your upsbringing, but I think (like most of us) this may have left some vulnerabilities .

I'd also wonder whether your short fuse and anger might actually be depression in disguise. It can manifest in this way, and can come about as a result of sustained anxiety. Worth looking at other symptoms onlie - sleep, appetite, libido, optimism etc

Sorry - mant igre people who aren't your direct reports

If your tone on here is any guide to your tone at work, I would agree that you need to find ways to change your behaviour. The thing is, I wonder if you didn't really want us to tell you that you're great and everyone else is the problem? Because although you frame your post as a "please help", it's really just a vent about how shit the rest of corporate humanity is, isn't it?

You don't sound like you like people much, to be honest. My experience (I'm also a senior manager in one of the professions) is that 90% of people act in good faith and want to do well. My experience is also that being scathing and over-demanding with people lowers rather than raises their job performance. My experience is further that people who think they're fantastic at work and everyone else is shit generally conform quite startlingly to the norms of the Dunning-Kruger effect.

If you're serious about changing your behaviour rather than that of others, some CBT and NLP might be useful, as others have said.

I wonder if NotYoda has hit on something with the organisational culture about decision making and responsibility. I have worked in organisations to change the culture where people are scared to make decisions or do the minimum because its going to be changed anyway regardless of the quality.

I'd ignore the critical comments in this thread where they faily to acknowledge you know you have a problem and want to deal with it. They aren't helping you. I still think a mentor would be helpful.

I think it's more nuanced than that. Rather than actually feeling superior, I think the OP is desperately scared not to make mistakes herself. To the extent that she needs to cover up and mop up in case someone pins the blame on her. She doesn't trust others to help her. or believe her when false accusations (chaser emails) are thrown around.

I think someone else's voice comes out from you when you are stressed.

^^^

My last post was to Scrubbles

NotYoda I'm sure you're right and I was probably overly harsh. But perhaps it's an object lesson for the OP as regards tone? She may not be aware how she comes across even when she doesn't think she's being abrupt. The word "nightmare" has been used twice in this thread and I have to say I nearly said it too: it may be useful for OP to realise that her normal/neutral doesn't look like most people's.

Nettletheelf would it be the end of the world to let people fail sometimes? It sounds like you're carrying a lot.

My organisation and the people in it drive me bonkers like this too.
I usually deal with this by debriefing with a close colleague, having a vent and getting perspective on it. THEN I decide on an approach. Usually by then I have calmed down from my rage and irritation and am more likely to get a good point across. I don't know if you have anyone like this? I have 2 colleagues and a HR girl. We tend to have a debrief a few times a week even if for 10 mins. We try not to make it personal but I do feel calmer and better placed once I have vented about it

3) presses my buttons by sending 'chaser' emails to me copying in other people.

I have worked with someone like you. The reason I sent her chaser emails (which really fucked her off) was because she didn't respond to emails, or follow up on phone calls, or do things she promised in IM conversations. If you don't reply to emails about a project in a timely fashion, people will send follow up emails, and they will copy in your boss, to cover their own bums. It's sensible of them and if it makes you mad you really need to change your attitude to working with other humans.

Op I hate chaser emails too. They are so rude and patronising. I ignore them or if I have to reply, I just reply to the original sender.

As others have said: save the draft, go,do something else or get a cup of tea, then re read it, making it as neutral as possible.

But most of all: try and believe that most people aren't lazy, useless, out to get you or whatever. Maybe the thing you asked for is the tenth thing they got asked for that day and you weren't their priority.

I know you don't. Want to go to someone's boss, but if you feel some people are consistently missing the point on work,you may need to because (a) it may be a broader problem e.g. They are being given too much to do overall and (b) if you criticise someone else's line report, they will take it less seriously than feedback from their boss.

I too agree that you are reacting quite abruptly to other posters. Maybe it is worth chatting to your boss about business writing courses or similar, to give you some phrases to fall back on?